Scared out of my mind but feeling strong

Ok so today is December 31st and last night I finished my list for my 6 month mental health challenge.  I have to tell you that I am happy to have this finished but scared to death about almost every step, especially the first one.  This is the outline of my plan and I will evaluate every month to see if I need to add, change, delete or rearrange any of my steps.  Here goes.

1/10  Tell people I have a blog.  I have only told a few close friends so I am going to do something crazy scary and post it on facebook.  (Did you just hear a scream from across town?  Yes yes you did because I'm terrified.  Its gonna take a lot of coaxing to make my fingers do it.)


1/20  Make a list of fears.  I realized that I'm scared of a lot of things in the baby/pregnant/parent area and I plan to write this down so its at least out of my head and I can start to deal with it.


1/31 Evaluate.


2/10  Say my fears out loud to another person.  AHhH!!!!!!!! Scary.  Again.


2/20  Discuss my fears with someone/people.  I thought maybe a couple different people might be good so I could get some different opinions but I at least need to discuss this with someone.  Out loud.  Scary.


2/28  Evaluate.


3/10  Make a list of questions for TB.  (My husband and I don't really talk about this very much and I know we are both still very hurt from it so we agreed to make a list of questions, sans the BIG 'when' question, and talk to each other.)


3/20  Babysit someone's kid or kids.  I think this would help us, I know it would help me, and I love all my friends' kids.  =)  (looking for volunteers to enjoy an afternoon or evening out alone)


3/31  Evaluate.


4/10  Talk about questions with TB.  We will exchange questions and answer honestly.


4/20  Tell someone new about the miscarriage.  This one scares me but I think its a good idea, my husband is smart.


4/30 Evaluate.


5/10  Talk about my fears with TB.  I think giving myself time to rationalize all my fears is good before I overload my husband with all my craziness.  He has also agreed to talk about his which is HUGE.


5/20  Look into a support group.  I think maybe talking to some other people who have gone through similar medical trauma would help me put mine in better perspective. 


5/31  Evaluate.


6/10  Get a tattoo.  This is another suggestion from my husband.  I have wanted for a while a tattoo that symbolizes my baby and it would be a nice thing to actually do.


6/14  Assess my mental health, decide on a new 6 month plan and discuss the baby plan with TB. 

Yikes.  Seems to simple and sooooo hard.  Gonna need some help with a few of these.  If you feel like you want to you are welcome, I certainly don't expect you to if you don't want though.

Oh man, this is gonna be tough.

Get a hold of yourself!

What have you gotten yourself into mwc?
Although lists and time lines are something I enjoy and almost require when it comes to projects or ongoing things for some reason when I approach anything around the baby subject I just start to spin out of control and turn into a crazy person.  I am freaking out because I alternately feel like this challenge is too hard and not hard enough.  I constantly go between daily steps and monthly steps and each one feels too much or too little.  The thought was however, that if I put some of my workings onto 'paper' I would hold myself to something instead of flopping around from decision to decision every moment and eventually this would force me to reach a conclusion that is somewhat attainable.  After all if I spend a bunch of time coming up with an intricate and difficult solution that is a lot of work and time I don't have then I won't end up following it and it won't end up doing me any good at all.  So I will strive to be rational.  Man, it is a struggle.

So I think I have decided that I will complete 3 steps a month-a happy medium from the two extremes in my brain-and they will be on the 10th, 20th and last day of every month.  I am also thinking that one of my first steps should be writing down my fears because they are filling my head so full that pretty soon I will not be able to think breathe or move.  (I imagine sometimes my head will eventually be so full that I can no longer pick it up and walk around and I'll spend the rest of my life standing on my head and I'll be similar to the kid on Family Guy that has his head on upside down.  yea.)  Another step should probably be to discuss my fears out loud to someone and go over the ridiculous things in my head and point out the craziness of it all.  In the end I am a pretty rational person and I think that if I see and hear the crazy thoughts they will start to dissipate as I convince myself I am overreacting.  I really think this is the right thing to do I just don't quite know how to start it.  Like I said I become a lunatic when I even get close to any baby related subject.  So yea, feeling pretty screwed right now.  But, it looks like maybe I made some decisions.  Screwed.

Back to Blogging

Although my mission was to cut out unnecessary time wasting for the holidays and focus on budgeting and not being Scroogey I really missed my blog.  I feel like this is a great place for me to put the secret scary thoughts down and process through them.  So I am back to blogging and I am actually going to try blogging from my phone this week.  Yikes.


To be honest I have not started on my steps that are due by the end the week for my 6 month mental health challenge to myself but I am committed to getting them done on time and not screwing around.  So you should see those soon.  Just wanted to check in.  Thanks guys for your support.

Challenge

Ok first step in my challenge is that by the end of December (yikes coming quick) I will have a monthly goal set for myself in writing for each month until 6/14.  I also think I'll need to plan to do an assesment of my progress at the end of each month so I can revise my goals if need be.
Step one down, thousands more to go towards my recovery.

busy.

I have seriously been slacking in the blog department.  Partially because I have been crazy busy with work and the holidays and partially because I haven't had the terrible dark haunting thoughts that give me the NEED to blog each day. But I still enjoy it so I have been a little disappointed that I haven't been doing it. 
Well my leg pain is back today and it is killing me I can tell my muscles have been leading up to it all week so I'm not surprised but it still sucks.

I had a nice evening talking with my husband, mother in law and brother in law's girlfriend WH last night.  It is funny how similar her and I are and how the things she complains about are the same things I complain about so apparently those brothers are alike as well.  Other than being a short feisty redhead like me, she is strong and opinionated and has a lot of conviction, I see those things in myself.  My mil, AB, made a comment about lots of redheaded grandchildren in the future and I almost leaned in and told her she would be taking care of that because I probably can't.  Then it hit me across the face.  I would be putting the same uncomfortable guilt on her that others put on me sometimes.  It seems that it is easier than I thought to say (almost say in my case) something insensitive without thinking about it.  Why put pressure on a 19 year old girl because I don't want any pressure on me.  Luckily I was thinking clearly and did not open my giant giant mouth and put my equally large foot in it. 

-I have a fancy new phone now so I think I can update on the weekends now even though my comp doesn't work.  Woo!  (I know even less of an excuse for me not writing this week)

Challenge

So in the post http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2010/10/24-going-on-80.html from 1024/10 I decided to challenge myself by my birthday to get a handle on my craziness regarding all the miscarriage/medical crap.   Sooooooo.... my challenge is to be rid of my guilt before my wedding anniversary (picked this day only because it is exactly 6 months from my birthday).  This may be a stretch so things may be modified before then to include a more reasonable goal.  I realized when talking to my husband however, that if we are going to think of trying for a child any time in the next 10 years I am going to have to get things right in my head first.  I need just a little time to figure out the physical steps it will take to get me there so stay tuned for the road map.
Ok guilt, be gone by 6/14/11.  I can beat you!  Wish me luck.

Help me out would ya?

Ok so feeling down and in pain again today, leave me something inspiring on my comments please.
 -please no spiritual/religious/christmas related comments

Thanks for your help guys.

Pain in the ass

So my pain went away for a week or so but its back and its angry.  I have had shooting lightning bolts of pain screeching down my legs all day long and it just sucks.  Not a lot to write about today but I can give you a small update.

• work is crazy and it drives me nuts
• my legs are killing me and I just wanna curl up with my cat at home
• my husband alternately drives me crazy mad and crazy happy and I cannot figure out if thats a good or bad thing
• at what point do I give up?  when do I tell my doc enough is enough and just cut it all out and put my head in a jar like futurama?
• All my clothes are too small or too large because my stomach continues to swell and reduce constantly, sometimes several times in the same day
• All my clothes are also either too cold or too hot, nothing seems to make me comfortable lately
• I feel myself getting bitter and angry and I'm not sure how to stop it
• I really don't want to be the person I think my body is making me

Freak Show

I went to my doc last week for my quarterly check and he told me yet another strange explanation about the things my body is doing.  Bring on the circus freak, mwc has a new issue.

He tells me that my uterus muscles have been inactive so long now that if they do not contract within the next six months they will be completely atrophied and they will never move again.  So basically I am screwed once again.  I am doing the 'induction' in March but that is 3 months away so if that doesn't work I will have to go through it again immediately and if THAT doesn't work I will just have to live with my swollen muscles and all the pain that comes along with it.  Great.

Bad dreams

Had a terrible dream that I was living with my aunt and uncle in some trailer house and was very large and pregnant.  While standing in the kitchen my stomach starts to bleed and my uncle begins to yell that we need to go to the hospital.  I am too petrified to move and stand there bleeding from what looks like a scar across my lower abdomen.  They are asking me how far along I am and I don't know.  Things begin to swirl and as I hit the ground my body wakes up in a cold sweat. 
Not fun.  This might be my new worst fear.  Move over creepy killer clowns and dolls that talk to you, I have real issues now.

With My Luck Who Needs Enemies?

So found out yesterday that its possible that some of this could have been avoided.  Not really allowed to say what or how yet but yea I'm pretty pissed.

Here goes nothing

Ok, here goes.  Every single day I feel this weight of guilt on my chest because I let me baby die.  I did not protect him and now he is gone.  Maybe if I had taken better care of myself.  Maybe if I hadn't tried to support everyone else.  Maybe if E was still alive.  Things would be different. 

When I think about things logically I KNOW that I didn't do anything to hurt myself or my baby, when I think about it logically I KNOW there is nothing I really could have done differently, and when I think about it logically I KNOW that sometimes things just happen without cause or explanation.
But the problem is, I rarely think about it that way.  I have tried everything to explain to myself that I did nothing wrong but I cannot seem to rationalize it and deep down in my brain a scary voice chants 'you killed your baby.'  You wonder why I'm depressed and on edge?  Well how do you learn to function when every second of every day someone whispers in your ear 'you killed your baby'?  That was not at all sarcastic, if you have a suggestion, please share.  Sometimes I feel like the guy from the Twilight Zone who sees the gremlin on the wing of the plane but no one else can see it.  I see what I've done and I know that karma is after me because of it, but no one else seems to see that gremlin.  The karma thing is a separate issue for my psyche in itself (why else would it take 5+ years of being miserable to cure something that should have been 'routine'?)

So now I sound pretty crazy don't I?  In a previous post I told you about the little toddler ghost that follows me around and now I'm telling you that I have a gremlin that whispers in my ear?  Wow, mwc has finally cracked up.

When we were at the Dr and they were telling me my baby was dead but had not been 'passed out of my system' (is there a colder way to put that?) the nurses tried to explain what happened.  In the next month they seemed to find that nothing was really wrong with my body at the time and they attributed it to stress because there was no real reason I should miscarry.  I think that is the biggest reason I blame myself.  Stress.  Its no secret I live a stressful life and while I have been through some difficult times, I feel like I stress myself out more than necessary sometimes.  I take on other people's problems and feelings because I want to help them and in turn that puts stress on me.  It took a long time for me to learn to be a little selfish when it comes to my feelings.  When E died I asked his mother if there was anything I could do to help her family out and she asked if I would call all of his friends and let them know what happened.  She gave me a list of first names and phone numbers scrawled on a piece of notebook paper in his handwriting.  20+ people I called in 2 days and let them know.  Most of them were people I had never met or heard of and were friends from his high school and college days from years before I knew him.  My husband, TB, was too upset to help and broke down after listening to the first call I made.  I told him to sit with a friend and relax while I made all of the calls out of earshot by myself.  I wanted to protect my husband from his pain.  I should have been protecting my baby.  Each time I introduced myself as one of E's friends and explained that I needed to tell them something serious I had to relive the details of the suicide and listen to them break down and cry and ask me questions.  When it was nighttime and TB has finally fallen asleep I would sneak out on to the patio and cry hysterically.  I didn't want TB to feel like he needed to take care of me, I wanted to support him in his grief and be there for him.  I should have been there for my baby.  For the first few weeks I kept my agony on the inside while we attended the viewing with his family members who had lost touch and wanted stories about him.  I kept it inside when TB couldn't go to work.  I kept it inside at the funeral when it felt awkward.  I did whatever I could to bottle up my feelings and that stress killed my baby.  Its my fault and I am having a tough time living with that.

Almost Almost there

So I think I can write about my guilt tomorrow.  That is my goal.  Wish me some luck.

Everybody but me

Cheers to one of my best friends JB (or I suppose JU now) on her newly minted nuptials.  Congrats darlin, glad to see you so happy.  =)


This made me think about something I mentioned to a dif friend last week.  Everyone I know is married, in a relationship, having kids, working, and generally being happy.  All my friends are happy but me.  I'm the only one left behind now.  I wonder now if that is my fault, am I REFUSING to be happy?  Things could be worst, they HAVE been worst actually.  Maybe I'm stopping myself.  And if I am, then why?  Why would I stop myself?  I don't know how to accept calm and happy?  I don't think I deserve happy?  What is the answer?

Guilty as Charged

So I did something slightly horrendous this past weekend.  It was of course Thanksgiving so we made the rounds to the family members and food and had a good time getting together with everyone.  Everything was great until we started watching football.  Two things you may not know?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE football and usually yell and throw things during the course of the game.  And I cuss all the time.  Constantly.  A friend once told me I could make a sailor blush.  So I'm watching the Cowboys play (play well for a change)  and out comes the f bomb in the crowded living room.  TB's Aunt AS chided me and I immediately felt awful.  His family is really nice and sweet and quiet and I am cussing at the game on TV.  Fail liz, Fail!
What is worst than that?  I did it again later!!  TB's grandfather was saying something to me and I was still worked up from the game and another fuck fell right out of my mouth.  RIGHT TO HIM!!!!   I don't get embarrassed very often but I have to tell you that I was completely mortified!! ugh. 

Well the point to this is that it made me think about my own baby guilt and it has been something I have been trying to work up to for a while now.  So this week, I'm gonna write about it.  Get fucking ready.

Sick and Tired, staying Strong

In slightly less pain today but feeling more sick.  Thats right, I am sick and in pain for Thanksgiving.  A Thanksgiving that encompasses 5, YES 5, dinners with 5 different parts of our families throughout a week.  At least this year they are spread out, the first few years together were spent trecking to 4 locations in one day.  Ugh. 

Parents and grandparents, show some mercy to your children and grandchildren and don't expect them to be present for every second of every holiday when they are living on their own and dating/engaged/married to someone who's family also expects them to be there.

Children and grandchildren, stand your ground and do what it takes not to be exhausted this season.  If you have to tell grandma you don't want seconds because you just ate at someone else house an hour ago, she'll just have to deal with it.  If dad is mad because you left early then too bad.  And if, god forbid, you have to rotate holidays and not see some family members for Thanksgiving, reassure them you will be there for xmas if they don't pout. 

Oh, and don't turn into these guilt-giving family members that everyone seems to have.  Thanks.

Just kill me already

Feeling sick this week and in so much pain I just want to die.  My uterus is throbbing and the radiating pain shoots through my arms, legs and torso.  I ache everywhere from my shoulders to my knees.  Ugh.  Maybe the doc is right and I should move up my procedure.  The money it would cost me to do it in December however, is a big problem.  Ugh.  I hate everything.

Scariest conversation of my life

So my husband, TB, and I had the baby talk 2 nights ago and I'm pretty sure I almost died.  It was without question the scariest conversation of my life and that includes all Dr convos, and the conversation I had with my parents on Wednesday at work on my lunch break.  gross.

For some reason I asked TB how he felt about our future family planning and he gave me 2 very different answers, both of which scared me to death.  Then I told him how I felt and that scared me also.  Ugh, cannot win.

 My recovery will end in 14 months. That puts us around January 2012 which would be 8 years together total and 3 1/2 years married.  So I asked him what his thoughts were about the end of my recovery in respect to thinking about a family. Dialogue is probably the best way to describe this.

mwc-So what do you think?
tb-Probably about 2 years.
mwc-2 years?  From now?
tb-Yea about 2 years from now is a good time to start trying.  Your recovery is over in 14 months and we should wait another 6 just to be sure.  So about 2 years.
mwc-That's 20 months, less than 2 years. Oh my god.  That really scares me.

Scary.  Children in the next 3 years that are mine?  Scary.
But also kinda cool.  I could have children in the next 3 years that are mine.
Wow.  Ok just breathe. Scary. Awesome. Scary. Awesome.  Wow, so scary.

I told him that if that is his thinking I could be ok with that I just need to do a lot of work on myself before then because I am nowhere near ready for that because I am still petrified that losing our baby was all my fault and I'll just do it again and I am not ready to deal with that.  But I need to.  Ugh.  Back to scary.
I proceeded to cry and tell him all about how scared I am (I'll get into specifics in another post its long) but that was a good plan and I would do the work to be ready and if I wasn't there we would just wait.
Then he felt awful cause I cried, even though I tried to explain he did nothing wrong its all me and my 'emotions' and these stupid hormones, so I asked him if that was honestly how he felt.  (he is notorious for saying what he thinks I want to hear and not telling me the truth)
So we started the talk ALL over again. 
tb-Hypothetically when do you want to have kids?
mwc-Well I always thought I'd have my kids young and close together.  I would think 3 to 4 years of marriage would be nice and then think about trying. 
tb-So...
mwc-Oh my god, that's now isn't it? Holy shit it is.
tb-Well yea that would probably be something we would be thinking about.
mwc-I change my mind that is too scary.
tb-It was supposed to be hypothetical.
mwc-Hypothetically it scares me to death and I am no longer alive.
tb-Ok let's start over.
mwc-Ugh. No I'll behave.  What are your honest thoughts?
tb-how about 4 years?
mwc- When I'm 30?
tb- You wouldn't be 30.
mwc-I will be 29 in 4 years and it takes nearly a year to cook the baby so I'd be 30.
tb-Yea I guess you'd be 30. Did you say cook the baby?
mwc-You know like a bun in the oven? 
tb-Ok.....
mwc-Sorry. Waiting til I'm 30 scares me.
tb-You're scared again?
mwc-I know I'm sorry I'm all over the place.
tb-Its ok.
mwc-Once you hit 34 it becomes more dangerous to have children and who knows how long it would take to conceive?  There are already enough negative factors.  Plus I always wanted a big family.  30 to 34 is a small window, especially if I want 3 or 4 children.
tb-True.
mwc-But, I don't want to feel rushed.  I want to make the right decision.
tb-Ok....

So where did we land?  Soon scares me.  Waiting scares me.  Feeling rushed scares me.  Waiting too long scares me.  I'm an emotional wreck.  My husband is pretty great.  I am going to spend a year working on myself and what scares me about having kids.  He is going to spend a year working on being more mature.  We will talk about this again when my recovery is over.
So no progress.
Be mindful that this conversation was only about natural conception, we didn't even get into adoption, fertility treatments, or any of the other trillion options we have to think about.

Scared to death.

I've been telling you I'm crazy......

So last night I think I finally convinced my husband how crazy I am about our cats.  The conversation left him moping and sad but I think he got it.  I've been telling him for years now that the cats are keeping me sane and I've turned a little fanatical about them as my strange way of coping but he hasn't listened or understood or something because he just got it last night.  hm....


Quick shout out to my friend BAM who is sad and in pain but is able to get the problem fixed soon =)
Get well soon!

Feel it coming in the air at night

I can feel the air get colder, I can feel my breath catch, I can feel that overwhelming sadness coming to wrap its shadowy arms around me and pull me silently backwards.  I can feel that scream caught in my throat and feel the eyes on my back.  I can feel that guilt, the envy, the sadness and the overwhelming desire to stop breathing.  I feel it coming.  Its coming for me and I cannot stop it.

Xmas Carols make me HOMICIDAL

That's right guys, I said xmas carols make me homicidal.  As in, they make me want to kill people.  All people near me or said carols. 
It is the 15th of November today and although I am aware that the holidays insist on coming soon and it is getting chillier outside I am NOT ready for xmas carols.  ugh.  I can deal with crowded grocery stores, traveling and the long and expensive list of gifts I want to get for people because those are all things I inflict on myself for one reason or another.  Carols however, I cannot stand.
What did I hear when I came into work this morning (while groggy and not feeling well, I add)  freaking xmas carols!  So I ask, 'What is that noise, are those xmas songs I hear already?, with my nose crinkled and my face frowning.  Our office assistant says, 'Yes,' and I tell her, 'Please listen to them quietly because they make me angry.'  She looks at me with big wide eyes and says, 'But, I love them.'  ugh.  So I'm a scrooge and she hates me. 
Luckily most of the day I don't hear them but when no one is printing and I'm not on the phone, fa la la la la drifts into my cubicle/office thing where my desk is and my blood boils.  I sit and try not to make a big deal out of it and be a grouch but OH MY FREAKING GOD they drive me crazy.

Tis the freaking season I guess.....

Update

Still in pain.  Still screwed.  That is all thanks.

Starting to feel a lot like Frankenstein

My uteran pain is terrible today, doesn't help that today was stressful so my teeth and all my muscles are clenched.  I have this radiating paid from beneath my stomach that shoots into my legs and spreads across my thighs so as I sit at my desk all day long I feel alternately numb and intense pain through them.  By about 2 o'clock on these days I want to chop my legs off to lessen the pain.  But thats not generally the best solution.  The doc tells me its just because everything is pushing against each other because my uterus is still too large so there's pain.  This is different somehow from when I had pain because an infection was attacking my tubes and uterus and also different from the pain I will feel when my uterus starts to contract and shrink.  So basically I'm screwed.

My legs are stiff, my arms ache, I randomly sigh, grunt or yell.  I think these hard knots in my neck are the bolts growing in.

November

I had this theory a couple years ago and after 4 straight years in a row that prove it I think it has become a fact.  When November 1st hits every single year things instantly get craaaazy and they stay that way until February 28th/29th.  March 1st brings me some peace.  on 11/1 my work instantly gets more difficult, less people pay, more people move, we deal with more and more stupid stories about why the rent is late.  Most people seem to get exponentially grumpier and stay that way until lovely 3/1 comes along.  My boss, who is also my grandmother, seems to take this sickness on in heaps.  Though, I admit that as soon as Halloween is over I am grumpy until its warm.  Not because I don't like cool weather, it just seems to go that way.  When I start planning Thanksgiving and winter holidays I feel scrooge-y and alternately happy.  Annoying emotions.  Christmas carols make me homocidal.  We have to clear out files at work and that always lasts from December through January and sometimes beyond.  I have to deal with 1099's, tax forms and all the other end of the year accounting crap that sucks.  I go between blowing everyone off to being upset we can't see everyone and back again.  I feel guilty cause I can't buy all the people I want to all the things I want to get them but then get upset when someone EXPECTS me to spend a certain amount.  Nov-Feb is expensive and a huge hassle all the way around.  It doesn't help that Texas weather is crazy and on xmas eve you have to pick out 2 outfits to wear the next day, one you wore to the beach in August and one that covers every inch of your skin in 8 layers of fleece.  Everything metal, and some things plastic, at my office begin shocking me any time I not only touch them but walk near them. 
It is just crazy around here lately.

Will it never end?

So I heard from the doctor today and pending tests in December and January it looks like I am definitely going to have to be 'induced'  again in March.  Ugh.  NOT looking forward to that feeling.  I had this done in September and basically I will be part of another experimental treatment in a long line of what-new-and-strange-thing-can-we-try-now.  Last time they gave me what equates to a triple dose of Pitocin in a shot and pill form that will make my uterus have contractions for 2 1/2 days every hour or so and put me in miserable pain.  It should be illegal to put a person through labor and not give them a baby after its done!
Last time we decided to do this they told me I couldn't be left alone and I had to take my temperature every 2 hours and I had to be lucid and carefully watched to make sure I don't rupture anything.  Not fun!  Luckily I have a lot of support and other than the pain, the awful awful pain, and the terrible flash back memories of my miscarriage it wasn't that bad.  At least its better than the time they shot medicine directly into my uterus after they INFLATED it, yes inflated it, and I had to lay on my back for 5 days.  I did that twice.  Sounds crazy to you?  Its a freaking circus.

Wicked

I was reading Wicked this weekend and it brought back a memory from a couple years ago.  My husband (then fiance) and I went to go see the musical Wicked because his lovely Aunt MN gave us her tickets when she could not go.  It was a really great musical and we both really enjoyed it.  But the most vivid part of that memory is feeling like a family with my belly protruding and smiles on our faces.
When I found out I was pregnant I was really nervous to tell anyone, not for the usual reasons young unmarried couples are nervous however, we have very supportive families and friends.  I was nervous because I felt from the beginning that something wasn't right and I just didn't want to tell everyone.  I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to go wrong.  So at the time of the Wicked excursion we weren't telling people yet.  When we went though, I ended up wearing a shirt that was kind of tight across my stomach and my cute belly stuck out in that round, high, obviously pregnant way and it was a nice feeling.  We didn't hide it, we felt like we could relax a little.  Some stranger even commented on how happy we looked to be expecting.  It was a nice feeling. 
We ended up losing the baby just a couple weeks after we started telling people so that happy feeling was a rare moment I remember fondly.  I really did enjoy the feeling of being pregnant.  =(

Fun Fun Evenings with no babies and no babysitters

My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago but his present is dinner and a local hockey game with my parents, my husband and me.  We are going to a delicious place called Village Burger Bar in Watters Creek and after that we are going to see the Allen Americans minor league team play.  I have to say that I grew up watching hockey with my dad, who is the biggest Blackhawks fan, and we went to watch the Hawks and Stars play for years.  I guess I'm just a little hockey-snobby because when I went to see this team play for the first time last year I laughed.  I have never seen so many hockey players laying on the ice.  They fell down CONSTANTLY.  lol  They must have been good or had a tiny division because they made it to the playoffs last year.  Either way I'm excited and its gonna be fun.  After the game I am driving to Waco with my friend CZ to see our other friend BAM for the weekend.  I feel slightly bad that I am leaving for the whole weekend one of the first times my husband is home on the weekend since he changed jobs but I'm sure that won't last.  =)  We'll get used to that. 

So since I'm in a pretty positive mood today I was thinking.  I can do all these things fairly easily because I have no children to think about and no babysitter to coordinate.  I can buy tickets with no idea if someone else can watch the kids and leave for the weekend without possible tears from babies.  I get a nice evening and a fun weekend.  Add this to the list of things I can do since I don't have any children.  =)

Memories

My husband did a nice favor yesterday and drove my grandmother to her doctor's appointment since it was rainy here.  He had to take her to the hospital where her Dr practices and drop her off.  Unknowingly he had to go to the same hospital where we found out I was losing the baby.  Now TB does not like to talk about what happened and gets very upset when I say something even close to the subject so you can imagine how surprised I was when at around 11 last night he says he hopes he doesn't have to take her back to the hospital any time soon because it made him really sad.  We haven't been there since our visit with our Dr, we thought we were going to hear the heartbeat and see a sonogram for the first time and instead we found a lifeless body on the screen and silence.  I can remember sitting in the parking lot crying and calling my mom.  She is the most maternal person I know and was soooo happy to hear I was pregnant and although I know she was very sad she was so supportive when we told her what happened.  We drove to my parents' house after the Dr and we cried and hugged and talked, I'm very lucky to have them.  I don't remember all of that evening but I do remember waking in the night to miscarry, that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
My poor husband was sad all day after visiting the site of our disappointment.  Its the little things.

Please god bring back september

It is November.  I do not like November.  Work gets longer, harder and more stressful.  Texas won't decide if its summer, spring, fall or winter.  And then there are the holidays.  I love the idea that I get to see people who I don't necessarily see all year long and I love seeing the looks on people's faces when I give them something special but the holidays are stressful.  And this year seems to loom just a little higher than the others.  Babies.  Christmas cards, gifts, photos, and gatherings thrust other people's children in my face.  I have known this was coming and had hoped I would find myself in a better place when this month began but, unfortunately I'm not.  So I will brace myself for the inevitable.  Wish me luck.

Freaking Lifetime

I had a blast at our annual Halloween party on Saturday night and stayed up super late chatting with old friends so Sunday I laid around and watched TV.  During commercials of the epic fail that is the Dallas Cowboys this season I was watching Hush Little Baby on Lifetime.  I don't know if you watch Lifetime movies but they are crazy and a big joke in my family.  They are always about murder or sex or cancer or some strange mystery or mistresses or stalkers or just something crazy.  Many are terrible (Mother, may I sleep with danger?  -actual title) but a lot are not bad, especially the newer ones.  The annoying part is that they suck you in and then you can't stop watching them cause they make no sense.  Yesterday my husband actually told me to stop flipping back to one of the football games so we could finish the end of a particularly crazy movie.  Like I said, they suck you in.
So this movie yesterday is about a mother who's child died when she was very young.  Its starts as she is pregnant with the second baby a while after the death of the first.  Well, after she has the second baby she ends up with postpartum depression which escalates to psychosis which is centered around the idea that she thinks her new baby is a reincarnated version of the first child and wants to kill her because she let her die.  She ends up going really crazy and killing some people and slicing her sister up and going into a mental hospital for a while.  But throughout the movie she keeps seeing this ghostly version of her daughter following her around saying 'you killed me mommy'  which, if you have read previous posts, you know that I have a similar delusion.  So now I think I've gone nuts because I can see my child following me around and although he does not say I killed him, my heart does, and his eyes ask me why.  So yea, I've cracked up.  Psych ward, here I come.

Fine Then....

Posted an article on my FB page and I got the wrong reaction.  I was simply pointing out that it was an interesting article and I thought maybe someone would see it and think about the things they post, not neccesdarily change them but think about it.  The article stresses that these women are not upset with anyone who posts and would even post their own news if they could.  Maybe you'll enjoy it more. 

 

Halloween party tomorrow, putting all my energy into that so there is no time to feel sad this weekend =)

Infertile couples cope with prolific Facebook friends

www.washingtonpost.com

Your children will be evil

Feeling crappy again today and in pain so I thought I'd think about something happier.

We are throwing a big Halloween party this weekend and I am going as Regan from The Exorcist.  This made me think about children's names.  My husband was recently watching Pet Semetary and thought that Gage was short for Gagery  (you know, like Gregory, he says to me lol)  This made me think of children's names again. 
For a while I have always thought if I had kids I would want to name them Damion, Reagan and Gage.  Yes, Damion is the kid from The Omen.  Yes, I want to name my children after creepy/possessed/undead/murderous children from horror movies I love.  Some may think its a little strange but I love those names separate from the movies and also happen to love the movies.  (I'm a big horror movie fan)

So I told my mom this a couple years ago and she laughed and told me if I name my kids that my children will be evil.  Which cracked me up.  I was thinking about that this week and it made me laugh again so I thought I'd share.  My mom named one of her sons after a rapist from a soap opera and he turned out just fine lol.  Actually he turned out better than fine so maybe the reverse psychology thing works with names too.  My mom says it always worked on me since I'm so stubborn lol.

Do you think thats strange?

Sick of this

Feeling exhausted, overstressed and useless this week so far.  We are throwing a big party on Saturday that takes a lot of work to get ready for, but we have everything planned out and with my husband T no longer working nights we have plenty of time to get it all done.  I don't think thats it.  Went to the Dr and the swelling is finally down from my procedure last month which means that my muscles are releasing the last of the steroids and medication that was stored from that time.  So basically just feeling crappy.  All the estrogen they gave me made me get a migraine which sucks, my uterus hurts more than usual today which also sucks and I have not been sleeping which sucks too.  Basically things suck and I am not liking that cause I have a lot to do and focus on.  If this stupid sickness crap keeps screwing up my plans I'm gonna start getting angry and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Everybody but me

I read tarot cards and recently read for several people over the past week and in most of them the idea that someone was gonna have a baby came up.  Whether you believe in that stuff or not is not the point, it just made me think that everybody seems to get a baby but me.  =(
(of course this is an exageration but unfortunately not a large one)

I am happy for the people in my life who are able to create life but it always hits just the right spot to shock my just a little.  It always seems when I am feeling good about myself and my situation something comes along and smacks me in the face.  You can't have what you want, you're sick and tired, you are damaged and unworthy.  It sucks.  I don't like the idea that I feel anything but happy when someone tells me this exciting news.  Of course I am never unhappy with that person, just unhappy with myself.

So I just baby my cats and treat them like my kids and overcompensate to the point where I think I may be a little crazy.

Men miscarry too

So often I have heard people say they are sorry for my loss, but I have heard very few say the same to my husband.  True, he has not had constant medical problems for the last 3 years but he still lost his child.  I think it is important for people to acknowledge his loss and his struggle.  This is unfortunate because it perpetuates the idea that he did not lose and he cannot grieve.

Actually, along that thought process I have come in contact with many who believe NEITHER of us lost or should grieve.  I agree with pro-choice and the idea that in order to make that legal you have to legally decide when a fetus is a child or person.  So I guess technically I lost my unborn child or even my fetus but lets be honest we lost our baby.  I don't even think that is the real reason people brush it off, I think people just don't understand that loss (thankfully)  and don't know how to treat it.  Is it really better to know your child and see them grow before they pass away?  Does that make them more real or more meaningful?  Isn't it just as bad NOT to know your child before you lose them?  Some have given me a hard time or don't understand why I can't move on.  If I had a toddler who was... hit by a car would you ask why it's taking so long for me to move past it?  If my baby died of SIDS would you say at least it happened early?  I didn't think so.  My grief is valid, my husband's grief is valid and I don't have to explain that to anyone.

Checklist

Part of my process to heal and work through my loss and current medical problems is to accept that I probably cannot have children naturally, I have been working on thinking positively and focusing on finding a space where I can accept that.  I am a list person and love to make plans, lists and calendars to see what needs to be done so here goes....

 

Positive things that could happen in a childless future

• My husband and I can travel easily and more often
• We can decorate our house the way we want without thinking about child-proof solutions
• We are able to be more spontaneous and get up and do something without considering a baby sitter
• We can go to concerts, clubs, parties and other late night things we want to
• I don't have to watch my frequent swearing at home
• We can be the fun aunt and uncle who buy presents the parents don't always like (such as giant squirt guns and crayons for the window) to the children our brothers, cousins and friends eventually have
• We don't have to change diapers
• We aren't woken up in the middle of the night
• We can sleep in
• We can spend our time and money doing things we love that we may not have time/money for otherwise
• We can spoil and pamper other children in our lives without guilt
• We can play with and enjoy other people's children but ultimately their parents will have to take them home when they sugar crash
• Maybe we can be the people other children come to when they have an issue they don't want to talk to their parents about and we can help them
• We don't have to worry about disciplining them
• We aren't constantly worried about bullies, college funds, bad influences, school lunches, birthday parties, manners, Internet predators, baby snatchers or kids with cell phones
• We can be a little selfish
• We can have date night (not that that happens now lol)
• My husband promised me years ago that if we cannot have children I can have as many cats as I want =)

Traditions

I spent a great night carving pumpkins with my husband TB and three of my friends.  I am a Halloween junkie and anything to do with the holiday makes me just giddy so carving pumpkins is one of my favorite things to do.  But it really got me thinking this morning as I passed our creations when I left for work, this is a tradition I love that gives me fond memories of my family growing up.  A pang of sadness hit when I thought I'd never get to share this with my own kids.  Growing up we were the kids that insisted on painting easter eggs when we were still in high school and I still come home to do things like that.  We are all pretty creative in my family and loved to paint eggs, carve pumpkins, decorate the tree and shoot fireworks.  We enjoyed seeing who could make the best jack o lantern or the coolest egg or light the biggest firework and pull out the ornaments my mom gives us each year.  I have very happy memories of doing those things every year with them.  What was I gonna do now that I would never be able to pass that along?
I thought however, that this year was the third year we had our friends over to carve pumpkins with our friends.  CZ was the first, then SC last year and this year BZ.  It is fun to put out snacks and each pick which pumpkin we want then comtemplate our designs and tease the one who takes the longest.  A brick might as well have smacked me across the face when I realized that we are continuing the tradition I loved as a kid with the people we love now and that is the important part of a tradition.  Watching how excited CZ gets when hers lights up is what makes it so fun.  When I thought some more I remembered that for 2 years friends have come over to dye easter eggs, and how happy my mother in law was when I helped her decorate her tree each year while her sons were busy and the look on my husband's face when we introduced him to backyard fireworks.  I can keep my traditions alive with the people I love even if those people don't happen to be my kids.  As TB and I grow we will merge ours together and maybe create some new ones and carry on the important part of our traditions.

So when are you gonna have a baby?

This is the question I dread THE most when I am talking to people.  Most of my friends and family are either aware of my medical situation or are aware that I do not want to talk about having children however, 99% of the other people I come into contact with have the same thing to say.  'Oh you're married?  You're so young.'  Well my husband and and I have been together the last 7 years, married for 2 1/2 now so its been a while.  'Wow.  So when are you gonna have a baby?'

I realize that is the usual progression in most people's heads; go to school, get a job, get married, start a family, retire.  To be honest my plan was not too far from this one, but not everyone thinks of this as their lifelong timeline.  I also realize that unless you or someone you know has experienced reproductive problems, you don't know that this can be a hurtful question, and I try to act accordingly.

BUT OH MY GOD I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS QUESTION!
(I just typed all of that with 9 fingers because I was holding down the shift key then  realized as I was done I should have used the caps button-dumb)

Whether I had problems or not I think I would be sick of this question.  When I want to have a baby is none of your damn business and when people ask me if we're 'trying'  all I can think about is why does this person want to know if I am sleeping with my husband? 

I'm sensitive about this subject so I'm sure I am more irritated than most by this but I mean COME ON!  I have been hearing that since we got engaged which means since I was 20.  20?  Am I seriously the only person who thinks 20 is still pretty young to be planning out their family?  I don't see anything wrong with people who do plan their family young but I think its young for other people to expect that I already have it planned out.  I would probably not want kids for another 5 or more years if all of this had not come up.  I would blissfully tell people I am not planning on having kids soon without the weird tension.  Or at least as much weird tension. 

Just to clarify though, I really don't have a huge problem with people who ask me once nicely as small talk.  If we are just meeting or something similar comes up in conversation and someone says 'When do you plan on having kids?'  or 'Are you and your husband thinking about a baby?'  I generally just try to smile and say we are not thinking about that right now and/or we are young and haven't been married that long.  The people I have a problem with are the ones that ask me EVERY TIME THEY SEE ME or who ask WHEN I am going to have a baby like I'm required to.  Specifically the ones who ask continuous questions after I try to change the subject and do not drop the issue make me boiling mad.  If someone asks and I tell them we are not thinking about it, some of them ask me WHY!  Don't ask me WHY!  How the hell is that any of their business?  I try to stay calm and answer with something about being young and not married long like I said before.  But some people continue to ask questions.  Usually after the third time I have answered a question nicely and tried to change the subject I tell them that I have on going medical issues that prevent me from ever having children of my own and I don't want to talk about it so I would appreciate it if they stopped asking me.  This pretty much shuts everybody up.  Unfortunately some people still ask inappropriate questions. 

Friends and relatives are generally excluded and of course each person feels differently about this issue.  I myself am learning to be more open about my medical problems and less defensive, secretive or ashamed of them.

I hope this doesn't make anyone scared to ask I just hope it makes you think before you ask.  Think about how you ask questions, you never know what someone else is going through.  Think about who you are asking, if you don't know this person should you really be asking about private things if they aren't forthcoming with the information?  Think about why you are asking, are you trying to find the best way to comfort a friend or are you satisfying your own curiosity?  Lastly, pay attention to what a person is saying and not saying and how they respond to the question.  If they change the subject, go with it because they probably don't want to talk about it.  If they give you a generic answer or say something vague, you probably shouldn't dig further unless there is a specific reason.  I know I would appreciate some courtesy from strangers.

Traits

Is it worth not having children because you are scared to pass down traits you dont like about yourself or in a relative?  Does it make sense to pick your mate based on breeding characteristics first?  Is it harder to find someone who has the traits you would want your child to posess or to teach your child to forgo those characteristics they have control over?  Nurture vs Nature?  Should maximum breeding be your priority?  Is that old fashioned?  Why do so many young women have reproductive problems?  Is it the hormones in our meat, milk and water?  Is it the pressure to look and act unhealthy?

My mind is full of questions today, not much else to say.

Disconnected

My computer is dying again so I had no Internet all weekend.  Sucks.  This just means my computer genius brother A will have to come and try to fix it again. Ugh.

As I have said before my husband and I are very different.  We probably couldn't be more different from one another if we tried to be.  This weekend we came upon on a discussion that I just can't get out of my head.  I was on the computer writing (this is shortly before it stopped working) and he was outside grilling steaks for dinner.  YUM!  He peeked his head in and asked how my blog was going.  He knows that I have been struggling with our loss for the last few years and that I started this with trepidation so he has been very sweetly asking me how its going.  I told him that I was enjoying the feeling of getting my thoughts out in some form and the idea that I might share something was stimulating.  He smiled and said thats good cause he has been wondering but had not read it before he went back outside.  I went on the patio and told him that I wanted to make sure that he knew that I was not saying anything bad about him and it was not private and if he wanted to he was welcome to read my thoughts and just as welcome no to.  I just wanted him to know I had no objections or feelings either way.  He told me that reading it might be too hard.  Unfortunately T has been suffering silently in his own head since it happened and his feelings only come up in subject changes ang passive aggressive tendencies. 

It got me thinking, I have always thought it is best to handle a problem head on, to confront it and push through it until it is no longer a problem.  T feels the opposite way and ignores it until it goes away or becomes something he can handle.  I have tried my way for years and I still break down and cry and get bitter and upset I still have very strong feelings.  Maybe his way is something to try. 

Either way it makes me feel very disconnected from him when he lets me see he hurting but won't let me help.  But thats just me really trying to help and fix everyone and everything.  My way just makes me feel disconnected from the rest of the world.  I guess there's no right answer.

measurements

It has been just about six weeks since my last hospital visit where I took place in an experimental trial program to help some of my problems.  One of the biggest issues has been that when I lost the baby I was at about 4 1/2 months so my uterus had been stretched quite a bit.  Well, After I lost the baby I got an infection that they could not find and then could not kill.  So my uterus did not contract and shrink back to the size it was supposed to, about as big as a fist, it is just squished into a pile of wrinkled muscle.  The fact that it won't shrink down is part of the reason I am not healing as best as I could be so they have tried a couple different things to make it contract.
At the end of August the doctors and I agreed to join an experimental trial that is mostly took place in Tennessee, where my doctor is currently working.  I took some medication that was essentially going to put my through labor.  The idea is that the contractions would jump start my body to contract my uterus.  I spent a weekend in agony having labor pains with no hope of a child at the end of the misery.  Sounds crazy, I know.

Well today they are taking measurements of my stomach (not fun) and my uterus in order to track the progress of contraction.  It is supposedly a very slow process and unfortunately will not cause me to instantly drop several inches.  Damn!
All my biopsies came back and although nothing has changed yet, the swelling around my belly has gone down and the muscles in my uterus itself are 'active'.  Not 100% sure what that means since they stressed that nothing has changed yet.  But it sounds better than 'you're dying'  or 'this might hurt' so what the hell?  I am definitely not going to be tracking my own weight loss or inches loss because I don't do that.  I do have to say however that although I am a big girl since the miscarriage, I wasn't always and maybe this will help that situation.  (that would be a lovely side effect)

Wish me luck!

Can I get a crystal ball?

Many times I wonder what my life would be like if I had not lost my baby.  I think about all the things that might be different.  More specifically though, I wonder what my marriage would be like.
You see, I have been with my husband since 2004, about 6 1/2 years now.  We were engaged in October of 2006 and got married in June of 2008.  In between that time we went through a lot.  We moved in together just a month or so before he proposed (which is a hilarious story I wish I could tell you), and at that time he found out that his parents were getting a painful and abrupt divorce.  This ended up being very hard for him and took a while to resolve.  Just a month before moving in together my father decided to end several years of drinking and self destructing to be sober.  Working through the many years of fights, arguments and seeing or hearing things you should never be exposed to as a child was difficult for me and took a long time to work out.  I am happy to say that he and I have a very different relationship now and time helped us heal.  In very early April of 2007 I found out that I was a couple months pregnant and that was a trial of its own.  Being young, unmarried and working minimum wage jobs, getting pregnant was scary and unexpected.

I would just like to say however, that we were using 2 different forms of contraceptives at the time and it still happened.  Nothing is a sure thing if you choose to have sex.

Learning I was pregnant caused a big fight and the strain was hard because I felt very isolated.  After a couple of weeks he came to terms with everything and was excited to start a family together.  For some reason I had a terrible feeling about the pregnancy and did not want to share it with others but his exuberance overtook my fears and we told our families.  Both were very happy and excited and I was relieved to see they were supportive and not upset.  (we were 20 and 21 after all)

On May 8th, 2007, E, someone my husband and I both consider one of our best friends killed himself unexpectedly. E was planning on spending some time sitting in jail to pay off some court fees so we planned a big party with all of our friends so that he could have a good time before we went away for a while.  That afternoon when my husband got home he called E as usual to pick him up and hang out at our place.  E spent several nights a week at our apt.  When my husband called, E's mom answered the phone and told him that E had hung himself.  My poor husband spent a few hours waiting for me to get home trying to surround himself with friends.  When I got off work he was at the apt with our friend R and they told me.  I just didn't believe them.  I never imagined that was possible.  We went to E's house and met with his family.  They asked us to help them out by calling his friends.  They gave us a list of names and numbers scrawled in E's handwriting.  I spent the rest of that night and the next day calling the couple dozen people on the list and a few others.  I never thought telling a stranger someone they cared about died could be so hard on me.  Explaining each and every time what happened and when the funeral was.  The funeral was later that week and we attended of course.  E's family asked us to give them some memories to read in the eulogy, hearing them from his step mom made them seem so far away.  Walking out of the funeral J asked me what that belly was about under my shirt.  I took a breath and told my friends I was 4 months along.  They were all happy.  One of our friend's girlfriends was pregnant also and when we went to the bar we were put in the 'preggo section'  which meant they sat far away from us to smoke and came back to drink while we had water.  They made it fun.

I had had an initial visit to my regular doctor who gave me vitamins and information and a preliminary test showing I was 3 months along in April.  About a week after the funeral I made an appointment with the OBGYN and my husband took some time off work because we were told we might be able to hear the heartbeat that visit.  We went to the doctor's office grinning in anticipation of seeing our new life for the first time.  When I received the sonogram though, there was no heartbeat.  I was checked several times and after running some tests the doctor told us that I had not technically miscarried yet but the baby was no longer alive.  Looking at that screen seeing no movement and hearing no heartbeat is when my life truly changed.  I really feel like something broke in me at that point that has not been repaired.  May never be repaired.  We made an appointment to come back the next day for the surgery required to remove what was my child from me.  I didn't think I could wait that long, unfortunately I didn't have to.  That night I had a natural miscarriage at home.  That is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced emotionally and physically.  That night led to the infection that took forever to find and even longer to get rid of.  I am now in recovery and have a new and strange procedure every 3 months, which comes along with its own set of side effects and circumstances.



Someday I want to look at our first years together and say it eventually made us stronger.  I cannot say that yet, but someday.

Its been too long to still be at the beginning of my journey

So today is October 13th.  10/13/07 was supposed to be my due date.  I could potentially have a 3 year old child.  That can't be right can it?  Wow, I think it is.  A three year old.  Damn.
I imagine a little boy with shaggy brown hair just like his dad's running around my apt chasing the cats or getting into something.  He's like a little ghost that lives with me and reminds me of what I don't have.  I only see him once in a while in the corner of my eye or disappearing through a door but I can always feel him around me.  Helping me.  Haunting me.  Keeping me company whether I want it or not.  Peering over my shoulder, I glimpse him sometimes and ask why he stays around.  I never seem to get an external answer but my heart tells me I haven't moved on from the loss.  I sometimes see him in my backseat when I am running an errand just looking back at me with the eyes I get from my father.  I would think his hair would turn strawberry in the summer when we play outside and his smile reminds me of my middle brother.  He is stubborn and goofy and silly and smart.  He is independent and affectionate and loves attention.  He is an amalgam of my family and my husband's family.  He would probably grow up to love sports of some kind, since it is something we enjoy so much, and get excited to see my father in law on TV on the sidelines of a game.  My dad would teach him goofy words and which teams to root for.  Probably buy him a baseball and cap.  It is impossible to tell which of our mothers would spoil him more because both are such nurturing, loving souls.  When I go to the store the tiny Halloween socks and UT jerseys beckon me to buy them for someone I no longer have. 

Of course this is all just in my imagination.  He was never able to experience any of those things.  Neither was I.  Neither was my husband.  Neither was our family.

Sometimes I get upset to feel him around me and guess the things he would love and cherish.  Sometimes it comforts me because for a small moment I can imagine he is with me.  Most often it just makes me sad to think of who he could have been and what he could have done.  I would love to watch him become his own person.  Maybe in mind he will.  Maybe as I grow older so will my ghost.  To be honest I can't tell if I want that to happen or not.  I think the healthy thing would be to accept what has happened and grieve and eventually these delusions will fade away.  But am I not grieving now?  Have I not accepted this already?  Maybe I am kidding myself.  Maybe I haven't processed anything and these thoughts and images are all part of a crazy coping strategy I have come up with to keep myself from feeling worst.  Maybe it has finally happened and I snapped and am so crazy that I see my child running after me throughout my day.

No matter which is true, I still find it unsettling even when I don't mind that he is around.

How can someone truly feel happiness with a ghost staring at them with eyes that ask them why?  How can you laugh and smile honestly when your heart is so heavy?  How can you look through your child and know you will never know who they were and get out of bed in the morning?  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I lay in my bed curled in a ball feeling cold and alone.  Sometimes I fake it.  Sometimes I try to push it out of my mind and pay attention to something easier.  Sometimes I trick myself.  Sometimes I almost feel like things are gonna be ok.  But every time I do I catch that little ghost boy out of the corner of my eye with hair like his dad and a smirk on his face and I collapse all over again.  I feel it all over again.  I fall backwards into my depression and sit there until I find the strength to climb my way back out.  It is a slow, difficult cycle that drains my emotions and pulls at my fibers until I feel like I have been unraveled on the floor and I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what would have been.

I am at least lucky to have friends and family who are loving and supportive when I reach out to them.

Restrictions

My doctor has put me under some restrictions that are supposed to help me optimize my healing efforts.  I am not allowed to lift anything over 20 lbs (up from 10 six months ago), I cannot do any cardio or raise my heart rate significantly and I cannot participate in any contact sports.  The sports thing is pretty easy to do since I haven't played mud football since I was in middle school but cardio kinda sucks cause that makes it hard to lose any weight.  The worst thing is that I can't lift much.  Today my husband and I went to the store and bought some Halloween decorations and he wouldn't let me carry the giant ghoul-monster thing we got.  Its only made of fabric so I felt kinda dumb even though he was being nice.  =( 

Its the little things.....

I love you guys

I just wanna say that I have very supportive and wonderful friends and family members =)


btw-happy coming out day =)

Envy and Bitterness

My mom said something interesting to me the other day.  She told me that she's afraid if either of my brothers had a baby any time soon she thinks I would be upset, sad and resentful.  Considering both of my brothers are younger than I am ( 20 and 22), I don't think they will have kids right now but you never really know.  I have been insisting that my youngest brother is 8 for many years now because I just don't want them to grow up)  I'm pretty sure that I would be happy for them however, I can see why she may be concerned.  When I think about it I have only had a difficult time accepting two people I know becoming pregnant and believe me there have been many more than that over the last three years that have been.  In both cases where it was hard I had a specific issue with that person that made it difficult.  Any other times I have been very happy and even organized or participated in their baby showers.  Sure I'm gonna be just a little sad, but the people I love deserve children and happiness (not that one denotes the other) and I always smile to hear they are lucky enough to procreate.

If you are in a similar position how do you feel?  Are you upset when someone near you gets pregnant?  Is it only specific people or situations?  How do you handle other people's perceptions of your feelings?

Zombie Moans

In incredible pain today and cannot seem to soothe it.  I have constant, daily pain but its usually dull or at least I'm used to it enough to deal with it.  Some days it is better and some days, like today, its much worst.  I have been laying in my bed moaning like a zombie for two days now and not much has helped.  Hopefully it will calm down when I go to work tomorrow because I am too busy to call in and my co-workers will probably not appreciate my random swears and yells when I get frustrated with the pain.   Wish me luck.

24 going on 80

My mom reminded me this week while she was consoling me that I'm turning 25 in about two months.  That seems like such a small number compared to the other numbers in my life.  Its definitely smaller than the number of doctor visits I've had this year.  Its smaller than the times I've cried myself to sleep this year.  Its smaller than the number of people who have asked me why we haven't decided to have kids this year.  Its smaller than the number of times I thought my marriage would fall apart this year.  Its smaller than the milligrams of medication I take every day.  Its smaller than the number of times I have had to see the empty sonogram screen when they examine my uterus since it happened.  It is way too small an age to deal with the problems I am currently dealing with.  Can I really only be 25?  I feel like I'm 80 and it sucks.

I'm finally off the steroid injections so I am starting to get some of my energy back but I'm still so tired.  Some days I cannot will myself into the kitchen to heat up a frozen dinner.  I just lay in my bed with my cat and think or cry or watch bad TV.  (most of which reminds me that I'm all alone btw)

I'm tired and cranky and depressed.  That is not how I thought my 80th.. I mean 25th birthday would look.  I feel very old.  I feel like I could have lived 8 lives in my short 24.8 years.  Somehow while I was taking care of everyone else around me that asked for it (and some that didn't) I forgot how to take care of myself.  I always felt that some of the things I have experienced in my life are unfortunate but that my life has helped me be who I am.  I don't think I could be as strong and outspoken about my convictions if I had lived a life not wanting.  I feel like my life is mine and I own the experiences 100% good or bad.  However, this time feels different.  I feel very broken and exposed.  I don't ever think I will be the same person I was before.  That is a very uncomfortable and unusual feeling for me.  Through all the other trials in my life I have felt I was always the same core person and each new proceeding gave me another layer of armor, took away a layer, gave me a new perspective or idea or in some way enhanced the thoughts and feelings I already had.  I guess the distinction is previous things shaped me this seems to have changed me completely.  I was the 10 year old who told everyone I wanted to be a lawyer because I thought I could argue my case well.  Strong willed and stubborn are understated descriptions.  Suddenly I feel like there is no path in front of me and while in the past I have made my own, today I find myself wandering aimlessly trying to fight my way through the brush of everyday life. It shouldn't be such a struggle just to exist.

Putting my thoughts 'on paper' makes me see I need to find an avenue of change.  So.... I will be challenging myself to think a little differently before my birthday actually comes around and I can start my year off in a better place.  What that challenge is just now, I'm not sure.  Suggestions could be helpful.

Everyday tasks

This week I freaked out and had a mini meltdown in Target.  They just rearranged the one by my place so I don't know where everything is and I was looking at the neat Nick and Nora pajamas with the dancing skeletons on them when I accidentally wandered into the kids section.  I suddenly found myself surrounded by tiny Longhorns jerseys, baby onesies and Halloween costumes that were so cute.  I was tearing up touching all the soft fabric and the teeny clothes that fit in my hand and wondered if I would ever get to shop in that section for myself. 
In a moment of clarity I decided to get away from those items and look at something that would make me happier, shoes.
I considered buying a pair of super tall black heels that I would probably rarely wear and tried to decide if i wanted rain boots that were big enough to fit over my sneakers or not.  Then as I turned to walk down the next aisle with a small smile starting on my face, I was face to face with the tiniest Converse shoes I had ever seen and it all started again.  I sat on the floor between the shoe aisles and cried like an idiot at Target.

I find it is the everyday tasks I try to do that hurt the most.  When I am working or laughing or doing something mundane and unexpectedly I am reminded that the thing most people take for granted as an inevitable part of their life may never be mine.  Or worst, a specific situation or expression from my husband will sit in my brain and force me to relive something I never wanted to go through.

Its the little things....

Where to start?

Ok....... I am brand new to this thing and have never posted a web site or blog before so bare with me.

In 2007 I had a miscarriage in my second trimester and the complications that caused have left me with a damaged uterus and fallopian tubes as well as multiple side effects.  The infection after the miscarriage was strange and rare and took more than a year to find and diagnose and another year to cure.  I am now in month 11 of my recovery out of 26 months total.

Its hard to say what has effected me most but what I can definitely say that it has effected me.  This process has taken a toll on my marriage, my bank account, my health, my friendships, my family members, my work, my self esteem and nearly every other part of my life.  I am the type of person who handles situation, solves problems and takes control of the difficult things; having something I cannot control and cannot change or move past has been an unusual feeling.

More than anything else I hope that some of what I say helps somebody who comes across this and is in a similar situation or knows someone who is.  Airing my wounds and issues might help someone who is feeling alone or uncertain.  I know it is hard for me to ask for help.

I consider myself a mother without a child so stay tuned to see me work through that...

Please feel free to comment and pass this along to friends and family.