Five Minute Friday-Empty

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Empty


Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty.  Its not my baby's room.  Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child.  The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them.  I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are.  That can make things seem pretty empty some days.  These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true.  It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently.  What I could have done to save my child.  That's where it gets bad.  I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to.  A doubt to sneak in on.  Those days are the hardest.  I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out.  Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good.  Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out.  On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it.  I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking.  I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.