Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Still....
I am still not feeling well.
I am still sick.
I am still not losing weight or allowed to really exercise.
My husband still doesn't get it, though he tries a lot of the time.
I still feel overwhelmed at work.
I still have the best friends and family that literally drop what they are doing if I need them.
I still feel tired all the time and have no energy.
I still may need major surgery, I still don't want it.
There is still a chance that I could be healthy in the future but I still don't believe it.
I cannot sit still at work anymore, it is getting too uncomfortable.
I still can't tell if this treatment is helping my pain, I still feel it.
My house is still messy and my medical bills are still unpaid.
I still have to find the strength to get out of bed every morning and not to cry every night.
Every time I feel like I am scraping the bottom of my inner-strength-barrel I still find a handful when I really need it.
There are still things that terrify me about the future and my health.
There is still no end in sight for my struggles, which also means no end for my husband TB's struggles.
At night my legs ache and hurt I cannot stay still long enough to fall asleep until I am so exhausted from the pain that I drift off.
I still have no idea if I ever even want to put myself through another pregnancy, if I want a baby of my own.
I am still working on my list of positive things about being childless.
I still want my tattoo but I just haven't gotten it right yet.
I still need to finish my next challenge to myself so I can get started.
I did catch up with 5MF but I am still behind on all the posts I want to put up.
I still really wish I could just take a big breath and start to get back on track, I just still feel like I can't.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Five Minute Friday-Full
I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Full...
Full makes me think of my husband immediately. We have a running theme in our lives the last few years and it is my hunger. For whatever reason, meds, bad luck, crazy medical condition, my hunger has been incredible. Some days I literally eat everything in sight and some days I cannot choke down water. Every day is struggle between me and my stomach. If I do not eat within about 20 mins of starting to feel hungry I literally get sick. Do you know how frustrating that is? Most of my medication makes me nauseous while it also makes me hungry. Because I cannot really exercise enough to lose weight I have ballooned to huge huge huge and so then what to eat becomes a struggle. Luckily I crave good food, though my husband who has to cook while I lay in bed moaning does not feel as lucky. We have tried multiple systems and plans and cannot seem to get things on track. I just can't get full. Even if I eat enough to fill the space my mind wants more. Its frustrating.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Full...
Full makes me think of my husband immediately. We have a running theme in our lives the last few years and it is my hunger. For whatever reason, meds, bad luck, crazy medical condition, my hunger has been incredible. Some days I literally eat everything in sight and some days I cannot choke down water. Every day is struggle between me and my stomach. If I do not eat within about 20 mins of starting to feel hungry I literally get sick. Do you know how frustrating that is? Most of my medication makes me nauseous while it also makes me hungry. Because I cannot really exercise enough to lose weight I have ballooned to huge huge huge and so then what to eat becomes a struggle. Luckily I crave good food, though my husband who has to cook while I lay in bed moaning does not feel as lucky. We have tried multiple systems and plans and cannot seem to get things on track. I just can't get full. Even if I eat enough to fill the space my mind wants more. Its frustrating.
Five Minute Friday-Loss
I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Loss....
Loss is something I deal with in my blog every day because it is something that I deal with in life every day. You have no idea how many people ask why I am not 'over it' yet, but loss is not something you get over it is only something you can move through. You have to wade in the loss and the pain and the hardship you have to get in over your head and lose your balance you have to move through it because once you are on the other side you can look back and see what you have accomplished. If you do not feel it you will never deal with it. If you do not work through the pain and problems you will never know life without it. You have to force yourself through the difficult times to enjoy the good ones. Enduring loss is something great and though we are all familiar with the path life takes no one is ever really ready for the loss that comes inevitably at the end of life. Learn from your loss no matter how big or small. Use memories, people and activities to keep you afloat and never apologize for your loss, just work through it.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Loss....
Loss is something I deal with in my blog every day because it is something that I deal with in life every day. You have no idea how many people ask why I am not 'over it' yet, but loss is not something you get over it is only something you can move through. You have to wade in the loss and the pain and the hardship you have to get in over your head and lose your balance you have to move through it because once you are on the other side you can look back and see what you have accomplished. If you do not feel it you will never deal with it. If you do not work through the pain and problems you will never know life without it. You have to force yourself through the difficult times to enjoy the good ones. Enduring loss is something great and though we are all familiar with the path life takes no one is ever really ready for the loss that comes inevitably at the end of life. Learn from your loss no matter how big or small. Use memories, people and activities to keep you afloat and never apologize for your loss, just work through it.
Five Minute Friday-Grateful
I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful ring of supportive family and friends.
The people that bring me dinner when I'm on bed rest, the friends that call to ask how I am, the people who leave funny facebook comments to distract me, my infallible nurse CZ who is ALWAYS there no matter what.
They are all wonderful, the family members who stroke my forehead when I am crying, the people who answer my midnight phone calls that make no sense, the cleaning, cooking and errands that get magically done.
HB who is my ice cream fairy.
The Slurpees, carne guisada and Jack and Coke that I am given that always tastes sooooo good at a bad time.
Sweet TB who massages my tender legs and puts his arms around me when I wake up crying from pain or bad dreams.
My wonderful mama SG who tries to put things in an annoyingly positive perspective.
SC or JBU that commiserate with me when I go through something difficult or painful.
The friends that listen to me ramble endlessly when all they asked was how I'm doing.
NS who politely asks questions privately because she doesn't know whats going on instead of asking other people.
My coworkers for being flexible and dealing with my many many many doctor visits.
I just have so much to be grateful for that I cannot possibly put it all here.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful ring of supportive family and friends.
The people that bring me dinner when I'm on bed rest, the friends that call to ask how I am, the people who leave funny facebook comments to distract me, my infallible nurse CZ who is ALWAYS there no matter what.
They are all wonderful, the family members who stroke my forehead when I am crying, the people who answer my midnight phone calls that make no sense, the cleaning, cooking and errands that get magically done.
HB who is my ice cream fairy.
The Slurpees, carne guisada and Jack and Coke that I am given that always tastes sooooo good at a bad time.
Sweet TB who massages my tender legs and puts his arms around me when I wake up crying from pain or bad dreams.
My wonderful mama SG who tries to put things in an annoyingly positive perspective.
SC or JBU that commiserate with me when I go through something difficult or painful.
The friends that listen to me ramble endlessly when all they asked was how I'm doing.
NS who politely asks questions privately because she doesn't know whats going on instead of asking other people.
My coworkers for being flexible and dealing with my many many many doctor visits.
I just have so much to be grateful for that I cannot possibly put it all here.
Five Minute Friday-Wonder
I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Wonder...
I wonder constantly what my life would be like if I had taken other avenues. I think about the obvious ones. Would my child be alive if I had been more careful? Would be marriage be better or worst if we had kids now? Would things be different for me if I just left one day and never looked back for friends or family? I just wonder. I tend to keep my thoughts so bottled up that eventually I get super stressed and all the walls cave in on me and I cannot breathe. I wonder if he thought of me before he kicked the chair, I wonder if TB wishes for a different life or partner, I wonder if all of my wondering is hurting or helping me. I just wonder a lot. My mind floats to better and worst scenarios when I pause at my desk or check my alarm clock. My thoughts drift to new ideas and possibilities when I close my eyes and my muscles ache to think things could be different then they are now. Each and every scenario brings me to the same conclusion, life is hard, life is hard no matter what choices you make or roads you travel. Life is hard so that you don't forget how fleeting it is. Take a deep breath mwc and take the next step forward.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Wonder...
I wonder constantly what my life would be like if I had taken other avenues. I think about the obvious ones. Would my child be alive if I had been more careful? Would be marriage be better or worst if we had kids now? Would things be different for me if I just left one day and never looked back for friends or family? I just wonder. I tend to keep my thoughts so bottled up that eventually I get super stressed and all the walls cave in on me and I cannot breathe. I wonder if he thought of me before he kicked the chair, I wonder if TB wishes for a different life or partner, I wonder if all of my wondering is hurting or helping me. I just wonder a lot. My mind floats to better and worst scenarios when I pause at my desk or check my alarm clock. My thoughts drift to new ideas and possibilities when I close my eyes and my muscles ache to think things could be different then they are now. Each and every scenario brings me to the same conclusion, life is hard, life is hard no matter what choices you make or roads you travel. Life is hard so that you don't forget how fleeting it is. Take a deep breath mwc and take the next step forward.
Friday, July 15, 2011
J J Ju Juuly July? Its July? Why didn't anyone let me know this?
I've been operating under the impression that it is still May BECAUSE THAT IS HOW BEHIND I AM. Not just at work or the house or recovery. In LIFE. I am behind in life. I am so overwhelmed, anxious and crazy lately because I have a crazy schedule of stuff to get done, a crazy pile of stuff at work, tons to do at home, my own health to work out, court case, Dr visits, family craziness, and my own personal crazy that has been weighing me down. I have been putting off the things that make me happy and release my stress because they are not 'necessary' and they can be put off for more sleep or cleaning or working late. I will catch up on my blog this week if it kills me, because I have had posts in my head for weeks and have not done anything about it. I have a working computer at home again, thanks to the lovely and fabulous JP, so I should be able to get back on track.
It seems like most of the blogs I read have had fewer and fewer posts lately because everyone is soooo busy. I am working to get my big projects done and streamline my routine so I can get back to mine. I really enjoy this outlet and I have had enough time off from it.
I wanted to take a little time to myself so I can evaluate what my challenge for myself did and how it helped. I wanted time to reflect on what is next and what I should expect from myself. I think I've had more than enough time to do that. Although I have not made any real decisions about what to do next or how to wrap up what I have done I am anxious to get back to this in some way. So I will get some posts out of the way I have been meaning to finish so I am 'caught up' and then move towards figuring out where to go next with my feelings. I have been emotionally raw lately for reasons I am not 100% sure about but I think this is the best place to let those emotions run wild and get out. So kids, look forward to more of me around here. Bam!
It seems like most of the blogs I read have had fewer and fewer posts lately because everyone is soooo busy. I am working to get my big projects done and streamline my routine so I can get back to mine. I really enjoy this outlet and I have had enough time off from it.
I wanted to take a little time to myself so I can evaluate what my challenge for myself did and how it helped. I wanted time to reflect on what is next and what I should expect from myself. I think I've had more than enough time to do that. Although I have not made any real decisions about what to do next or how to wrap up what I have done I am anxious to get back to this in some way. So I will get some posts out of the way I have been meaning to finish so I am 'caught up' and then move towards figuring out where to go next with my feelings. I have been emotionally raw lately for reasons I am not 100% sure about but I think this is the best place to let those emotions run wild and get out. So kids, look forward to more of me around here. Bam!
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