A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Life can be hard

TB hurt his back and has been hunched over and barely walking this week and it has been crazy.  It is very difficult to be the able bodied family member when I am in so much pain.  My legs are throbbing, my feet are tingling and my toes are numb.  I cannot sleep and work and everything else has me crazy stressed.  TB cannot lift or bend and can barely walk or move.

I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend.  I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do.  I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday.  My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with.  My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late.  I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car.  I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish.  We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.

I am not sleeping.  I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested.  I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at least pass out get some rest.  IT HAS BEEN WEEKS.  No sleep for weeks makes me cranky and unmotivated.

I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills.  I hate it.  I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office.  It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.

The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now.  I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before.  You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.

TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us).  He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour.  Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels.  I'm getting even less done than usual.

We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run.  The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days.  So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday.  That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around.  We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.

Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.

I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.

I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective.  Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF.  No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough.  Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is.  Things will be ok.  Things will be ok.  Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.

Take a deep breath.

It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.

Take a deep breath.  Take a deep breath.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It Happens

I read a short article here that says Michelle Dugger of 19 Kids and Counting had a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester.  That's a sad thing to hear, but I thought all of the nasty comments after the article were even worst.  It is not anyone's right to tell you when to have kids or how many is enough, telling any mother she 'deserved it' or that 'it was a sign' is just disgusting.  You don't have to agree with what she does but how can you really tell someone its a good thing they lost their child?
People are gross.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Interesting

We were at the office today and TB was having one of those lethargic, burnt out sort of workdays so I suggested he do something other than work and cut up some photos I had printed for a few minutes.  After he was done, I gathered them up, 'Thanks for cutting these for me.  See?  I told you that you wouldn't mess them up.'  He remarked, 'I tend to mess everything up somehow I just figured I could mess those up too.'  I told him, 'I don't think you mess things up, you just keep life interesting.'  And as I said that I turned around to see him leaning waaaay back in his desk chair and then throw a star shaped stress ball straight into his eye.  He yelled that it hurt and doubled over while we both cracked up.  'I think you just made my point for me dear.'

Its the little things that keep life interesting.  It certainly is never dull at my house.  Or work I guess.....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Good Advice

This article has some good advice about how to talk to your childless friends if you are a parent.  I have to agree with all of these things.  =)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Carving Pumpkins

Tonight we are carving pumpkins with my friends, something I just love to so.  We get silly, usually put on random costumes or masks and take a ton of laughing pictures.   I like to see how creative everyone gets and I end up with a huge display of jack o lanterns when we're done.  CZ came the first year, then CA and SC, then CZ, SC and BZ, this year CZ, JF JP and my little brother AG are coming and its gonna be a blast.

In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays.  Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce.  Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them.  These are things I just loved doing.

Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun.  The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning.  I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back.  I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

10-15

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Sounds like a long and sad name, but if you think about it its pretty nice.  A lot of ladies feel like they cannot talk about the loss of a baby or miscarriage.  Many people feel like this is less of a loss because they are not born yet or are alive for such a short time.  I, obviously, feel the opposite of this and want to celebrate the people that have gone through it.  All people should be able to express their grief and should be encouraged to deal with that issue instead of push it away or ignore it.  I hope that everyone has the opportunity in their life to share their joys and pains with someone.  I hope that all of you have someone you can talk to or be with when you are dealing with difficult times, pregnancy related or not.  Take this day of remembrance and hold those close to you that have dealt with difficult times.  It can be embarrassing and confusing.  Give strength to those that need it in your life and don't be afraid to ask when you need a little back.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

4 long/short years

My baby could be turning 4 today.  That just breaks my heart.  I want to badly to be able to hold him and just be with him.  I know that just isn't what was meant to be but I still struggle with it.  Did I do something so wrong that karma took away my ability to have kids?  I just hate to think that my kid could be trailing around behind me, learning things about the world and soaking in the love I know he would get.  I sometimes feel like its hard to miss something that you never really had but those thoughts were there, the life was there and the love was there.  I had my whole world planned and suddenly that ended.  How can I go on to have more children when I feel like that is the wrong thing to do?  How can I tell the difference between my gut feeling telling me what is right for me and my guilt chastising me for what has happened?
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make.  Who would our child be?  I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses?  My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families.  I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like?  Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have.  I want to know what that is like.  I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone.  I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow.  I want to know those things with all of my heart.  But... I know that just may not be what happens for me.  I may not get those experiences.  I might not ever be that person I thought I would be.  I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though.  I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this.  Maybe I can get through it all.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Scarred

Soo.... I got it!  I got my tattoo finally. 

BAAAMMMMM!!  There it is.







I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person.  This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special.  I am so happy with it =)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Family Vacation

I am coming to the end of a family vacation to the beach at Port Aransas, TX.  We have spent the last 4 nights laughing, talking and hanging out together.  We used to come to this beach as kids with my parents and grandparents and TB and I have been coming the last few years with friends because we like it so much.  This time we came to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday and enjoy time together.  My grandparents came with and all of us 3 kids had a significant other to bring.  Its really fun and sorta weird.  We used to play in the sand and build castles and run in the waves as little kids and instead this year my brother proposed on the beach with the whole family watching.  It was really wonderful.

I haven't lived at my parents' house for 5 years now.  I don't get this big family interaction every day like my brothers do that still live with them.  Being surrounded by all these people and having such a nice time makes me feel full.  I feel like my life is/will be fine without children.  I also can see towards the future when we come back with a brood of my nieces and nephews to show them the beach.  My family is weird/difficult/complicated and so much fun I can barely stand it sometimes.  We are truly a circus sometimes.  But they are my family and I love them with everything I have.  Watching my brothers lovingly dote on their girlfriends, seeing my parents hold hands and listening to stories of when my grandparents were newly married makes me know that these people are my home.  They are my heart.

I know that TB and I may not get to do this with our kids in the future but I know that we will be included when my brothers do it with theirs.  We will have little ones to run around in our lives whether they are ours or not.

Days like these make it easy to think I will never have a traditional family life because I ALREADY have an awesome one.  Kids or no kids, life can be good.  Just like right now.  As everyone starts to wake up and pack to go home because they have other obligations, we get to pack and move to another condo because our friend KA is driving down today and we get a few more days at the beach with friends.  I could not do that if I had kids in tow.  I am grateful for the things in life that show me that it will be ok.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Faith

I have always been very interested in religion, I have spent time in my life researching various religions and reading their various scripts and learning their stories.  I feel like religion is a very personal decision and I like to be informed.  I want to decide that religion is right for me and embrace it.  I want to make the choice where my faith belongs.  I have visited many many different kinds of churches and asked lots of people to share about their religion.  I have found that that just isn't for me.  I respect those that have such a relationship with their god that they are able to ignore those who argue with them or disagree, I respect making a commitment to their god and working to make their life what he would want.  I love to hear about other people's faith and relationship with their religion.  Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith.  Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring.  She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong.  Without saying anything to me or doing anything in particular she has shown me a life filled with faith.  It makes me happy to know she has that faith in these last hours.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have that faith, to have a different relationship with god.  Although I still feel like this is not for me and not a life I would lead, putting that thought in my head is powerful.  I think it is important to reaffirm your choices in life.  Making a decision one day and sticking to it just because that is your decision is something I do not agree with.  I think you should question yourself sometimes and makes decisions every day.  You may find that your decision today is the same as yesterday, that's great, that means you are doing what is right for you.  Sometimes you may make a different decision tomorrow, that's good too it means you have changed and your decisions are changing with you.  Choose to have faith every day and you will live an active life with god the way Gitz has.  Choose to have faith one day and then go through the motions and you are not letting yourself live the best life you can.  Find where you want to put your faith and do it.  Put all of it where you find it is best for you.  Do it.  Do not hesitate.  But question yourself throughout your life, ask yourself if your faith is still there because you are still there or if it is still there because its easy.  Faith is powerful and it can be wielded in many different ways.  Gitzen Girl chooses to have faith in her god every single day, every moment in fact.  I respect that she makes that choice constantly and had led her life knowing that her faith is in the right place.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My friend Gitz?

A wonderful person I sort of know is going through a difficult time.  She has had a long term debilitating medical condition that has kept her from many things in her life.  It has never stopped her from being positive, honest and inspiring though.  She is someone who does not let the things she cannot do get her down.  Her motto Choose Joy is indeed how she lives.  She trusts fully that god has made the right choice for her life and has even found that being isolated in her condo without work or distractions can be a good thing because it lets her be close to god.  She has such incredible faith it is just amazing.  You see, I don't actually know Gitzen Girl in person.  We have never talked on the phone or really even had a direct conversation.  I was introduced to her blog through a friend I do know, Mandy, who showed me a beautiful post with great perspective about not having children and what that brings to her friends that do.  After that post I was hooked.  I found myself reading old posts on my phone while TB drove us home from work.  Her outlook is just so interesting to me, so empowering.  She has the ability to truly 'let go and let god' and although I have heard this for many many years I have yet to see someone fulfill it.  I am surrounded by people this week, when I seem down or start to zone out to think of Gitz and her many many posts that touched me, someone always seems to ask what is wrong.  I find myself saying, 'my friend is dying.'  I feel a little funny saying that considering I do not really know her and have not met.  I also do not want to take away from those who do know her.  But she makes it easy to feel like she is my friend.  She makes it easy to feel like I know her.  She is so open about her life that I feel like we are friends, I have read so many of her words that it feels like a conversation we've had.  Looking at her comments I see all the blog followers, friends and family that have lovely sentiments for her and I know that though she cannot see them she can certainly feel them.  Those that know her are wrapping her in comfort, love and admiration.  I will miss seeing your posts and getting to know you better Gitz.  I will miss you.  I hope that you are no longer in pain and that you can sit with your dad and watch over the ones you love.  You can't know how much your words have inspired me to be more positive and accept the things I have been handed.  My own journey through medical problems, restrictions and procedures has been punctuated with your never ending positive perspective that gives me a different view and sometimes pull me out of my own thoughts.  I am not there yet, I still have a terrible outlook on my recovery, but I am working towards it.  I am trying to get there and you are a large stepping stone.  Thank you for your words, your blog and your life.  Rest peacefully when it is your time and feel no pain.  You will not know how many lives you have touched.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Five Minute Friday-in real life

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

In real life....

In real life you cannot bitch about how things are not fair.  You and I are different and do not deserve the same things.  So just shut up.  Those guys over there have been through things you don't know about.  People you have never even noticed notice you every day.  You just can't complain about whether things are fair or not.  We have all been brought up with positive reinforcement so it makes sense that working hard gets you good things.  That's just not how it always happens.  Sometimes good people get bad stuff.  Sometimes its not a happy ending.  Things don't just go away.

Five Minute Friday-Rest

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

Rest.....


Rest is something that plagues my life.  I'm sure most everyone feels like they don't get enough rest.  I certainly do.  When I am truly at rest I feel so relaxed and light, no heavy problems weighing on my brain for that moment.  I am usually curled into the nook of my husband's arm or laying with a snuggly cat purring on me or just laying in my bed by myself thinking how nice it is to have a moment to myself.  I went to Possum Kingdom last weekend and when people ask about it I excitedly tell them I read a book on the dock for almost 2 hours.  I usually get a strange look.  I am most excited to read my book at the lake?  What about the boat or jet ski or fishing or hiking or fun people?  Well yea, all of those things are nice but I spent a nice chunk of time propped up against the post of the dock reading while the wind flapped my pages and KA read silently nearby.  It was just heaven.  That is the kind of rest I think I crave the most.  I can always sleep if I take a pill or get tired enough.  I can always make it through a sleep deprived day when I am filled to the brim with coffee but that kind of rest where nothing is weighing me down, interrupting me or causing me problems is the kind that truly energizes me to my core.  Hopefully my upcoming vacation will provide similar rest.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Mandy's Question

As a follow up to yesterday and to Mandy's question from her blog post here is my list of things I think I do well.
Ahem....

I am good at listening.  I like to try and listen to a person and what they have to say and give an answer to the questions they ask or not to answer at all if they are not asking me anything.  People are too quick to give unsolicited advice and I like to be sure that I am not one of them if at all possible.  I am the first one to offer advice or a solution if my friends and loved ones ask for my help but most often listening is what people really need.

Not to be contradictory but, I think I give pretty good advice.  I am also good at being unbiased.  I look at things as objectively as possible and answer the question the best way I know how.  My personal feelings rarely have to do with what others should do so I try to keep them out of it.

I am good at being creative.  I like to find new answers to daily puzzles whether its how to fit that last piece of trash in the bag or how to solve an accounting problem at work.  I feel like looking at things from every angle and thinking them through is a strong point of mine.  Finding a new solution that someone else hasn't thought of makes me smile because I could help. 

I am good at my job.  I do collections and accounting at a real estate company that my family owns and have been for a while now.  I really feel like I have found a great niche in this company.  When I was younger my grandmother used to pay me to stick labels onto to flyers and cards to mail out and then to file her papers and later to organize her office.  I have worked on these sorts of projects since I was 12.  In 2002 when I was 17 I started working in the office part doing errands and assistant stuff with my grandmother, after I graduated in 2004 I started working there full time was working on more important projects like processing payments and reports and balancing the checkbook.  I started studying accounting in college and realized I found an area that the company needed help in and slowly worked into the position.  Now I handle collecting money on current and past due accounts as well as customer service, office manager and all of the company taxes.  I handle evictions, court cases and violations.  Basically I am good at being tough when no one else wants to.  My family members are so nice and compassionate that they always want to help and that isn't always what is best for the business.  I am good at separating my compassion from the necessity of the job well enough to be polite and firm.  Being at the company for 11 years doesn't hurt either, it means that I literally grew up learning this business and the people we work with.

I am good at being myself.  I do not feel shy or awkward or feel the need to apologize for myself.  I am up front with my characteristics as well as my flaws and let people decide if they want to deal with me or not.  I am never afraid to speak my mind or do what I think is right.

I can throw a nice right hook.

I am good at protecting the people around me.  Whether something dangerous like being vigilant in a car wreck or something simple like telling someone to back off, I am good at being there for the people who need me.  KA calls me 'the hawk, ca caaaaaa' because I hawk-eye people when we go out that are bothering her.

I am good at looking on the bright side and picking out the positive things.  When someone is down I am the first to find a funny angle or a good spot they may have overlooked.

I am good at scrapbooking, I don't win prizes or anything but I think my pages look nice and document my many memories well.  Others can look at them later and hear my story.

I'm a pretty good wife I think.  I know I cam difficult and demanding sometimes but I really do my best to be good to my husband TB.  I pay the bills and budget our money and work hard to find some extra savings when I know there's something he wants to do.  I try to be encouraging while realistic and express my feelings clearly and not be an emotional mess.  I like to make him laugh and see him smile and do small things to make his life easier.  I try to be tough and remind him to do things when he wants me to keep him on track with something and back off and leave him alone when he wants to do it himself.  I try to find the time money and space to do the things he is passionate about whether together or separate.  I work to make things better for us and to make us better.  I push him to be his best and challenge him to do more.  I spend time being silly and goofy too.  I try to make sure our life is as balanced as possible.  When he cleans the kitchen I make him dinner and when I'm tired I buy it.

I am getting pretty good at couponing.  I have been using coupons lately to get some great deals and stock up on the essentials.  I try to make smart purchases that we will need and keep them as low as possible.  I have gotten lots of stuff for free or less than a dollar.  Its kind of fun too, like a game.

I'm also good at Halloween.  Just in general.  I am good at thinking up fun decorations and scary costumes and finding a way to transform our house every year for as little money as possible.  -we just started a Halloween Blog together where we can showcase the many crafty things we make and do for this fun holiday.

I try very hard to be a good friend and a good daughter as well as a good sister and sister in law and daughter in law not to mention a good niece and a good grandchild.  I think I am good at these things too.



What are you good at?  What are you proud of?  Tell me in the comments or make your own post and leave me the link.  =)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Two birds with one stone

I have a huge list of things to get done lately and I constantly find myself putting them off for the long list of new things that come up or the even longer list of new things I think up for myself.  I am going to take a second and do something that two different ladies urged me to do recently, brag a little.  Now, that is not exactly how they put it, they're eloquent, but that is what I am going to do.

HOLY CRAP!!!  My husband just electrocuted himself with the washer.  Seriously, his whole arm is tingling and he keeps babbling about how he's bad at electricity.  I'm not sure what to do with him.....

Sorry about that.  Well, back to the topic.  I was talking to my therapist in my last visit about how I am having a hard time getting past my miscarriage because I feel like it made me question myself about a lot of things I had never questioned before.  I feel like I am not the person I was always sure that I was.  I have always considered myself very strong and in control of most things in my life and this has just left me feeling so broken and unsure.  Its an odd feeling for me.  I have been sure of myself and my convictions for as long as I remember.  I cannot remember a time when I did not know who I was.  Not being sure of that now has left me feeling very raw and scared.  I would like to note however, that feeling sure and strong does not mean I was not open,  I think it is important to be open to all options and change your mind sometimes.  When I was talking to her she asked me what confidence was made of and what I thought a strong person meant.  She also reminded me that I was not hiding from my feelings or refusing to acknowledge my issues but wading through them and looking for a way out instead of settling.  I was being strong in a different way.  Instead of being a stable rock for myself and others I was something more fluid and malleable that moved through and around the fears and issues.  -btw I just love her she is awesome
My homework from that session was to think of what makes me a strong person and what I like about myself.  I am supposed to make a list of the things about myself that make me happy.

Shortly after that I read a post from Miss Mandy Hornbuckle that was similar.  -she is also pretty awesome
Apparently, someone asked her 'What do you think you're really, really good at? Like, probably better than anybody you know at?' and she was unsure of what to say at first.  But she made a wonderful blog post about the things in her life she is good at doing and I enjoyed reading it very much.  She also challenged people at the end to brag about themselves a little bit and tell what they are good at.  I think I will take her up on that offer and combine that with my list for my therapist. 

This has turned into kind of a long post when it was meant to be an intro to that list so I think I will complete it for tomorrow.  SOOO...... Folks, look for my list of things I am good at tomorrow.  I urge you to make your own and I urge you share it with others.  We should never be scared to point out our strong points as well as our flaws.  A person who does either too often is leading an unfortunate life most likely.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Older

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Older....
I am a year older than my husband and we constantly tease each other about the age difference.  I always ask him if he's old enough to drink and he calls me his sugar mama.  That difference makes a huge difference sometimes though.  When I was starting college he was dating a 'co-ed' and still in high school.  When I was finding a part time job that would filter into my career goals he was aspiring to be a waiter instead of a bus boy.  When he says we can wait a few years for children I start to count how close to 30 that is.  That one short year turns into a very large chasm sometimes.  Others I don't even notice it.  It astonishes me the cultural references he doesn't get because he was too young while I was only a year older and remember is clearly.  That gap can be pretty frustrating when it feels like we have two different maturity levels but I know that the different perspectives are what really matter and help show the other person a different view of things.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Catching up is hard to do

No matter how many times I log into blogspot or how many times I edit what I have started or list what I would like to say, I just can't get started.  Soooooo..... we're gonna just start with a list of stuff I wanted to touch on and if posts come from that later than great if not, I got something out.  I just need somewhere to start.

  • That poor little girl and her evil mom in TX, how could that crazy jury let her off?  That just shows you how precious your children are because some people don't deserve them.  Her parents LOVED that child, if she didn't want her she should have let someone else love her.  Give her to your parents and run off and have the life you want.  Give her to an agency that will find her a home that loves her more than you do.  Hell, leave her with a fire station or police station or hospital; TX has made it very easy to give your child up without hurting it.  There are 'Safe Drop' place everywhere that will take a child with no questions asked and get them to the right place.  If you don't love your child, find someone who will.  There are too many options to feel like murder is correct for you.
  • I have started back to therapy and am really working through my feelings with my awesome counselor.  I would like to dedicate a post to something she said yesterday about being a strong vs weak person.
  • My awesome husband is at home right now cooking so I will have dinner when he is showing property tonight.  I just really love him.
  • Vacation is coming up quick, if I can save all the money I need I will have a great time.  If not, we'll still have a good time with friends and family.  CANNOTWAIT.
  • I need a new set of goals for myself.  I really feel like I did well with my goals before and having something to work towards makes me feel much less lost.
  • I still really REALLY want my tattoo I just can't seem to get it right.  =(

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Beauty

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Beauty....
Thinking of beauty inevitably makes me think of photography and make me miss it.  I love taking photos and would have loved to make that my career in life.  Unfortunately, that was not in my cards and I use it solely as a hobby now.  The beauty you can capture with a lens always makes me hold my breath while I am waiting for the print to develop or the preview to show.  I can make things look better or worst, bigger or smaller and I can keep the beauty I see around me in a small way with my camera. 

Five Minute Friday-Whole

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on weeks I have missed.

Whole....
I feel a whole lot better than I did a couple of weeks ago but I am still working on getting completely better.
I have a huge fear that I will never feel whole again.  I worry that my loss has changed me too much and will not let me be the person I was before.  I wonder if I will be happy someday without the thought of what was lost.  I wonder if things will always be weird and funny.  I generally feel good about our decision not to force things though, and I am happy we are talking and taking control of things again.  I want to have a happy home and family, if the children in my life are not included in my home then so be it.  It doesn't make life less full or me less whole.

Walking Dead

Soooooo I have made plans to finish all of my half done posts and catch up on my 5MF and start thoughts on a new set of challenges but I have gotten sick, and I'm talking REALLY sick, every time I start to get it done.  I'm taking some time tonight and just getting it over with.  I will make the time if I have to because I like updating but have gotten out of the habit and feel like I can't put random posts up until I have finished the ones I have started.  I spent the last 3 weeks feeling like a zombie just shuffling around my house and office feeling ridiculously awful.  My wonderful husband TB is very sick of me being sick and has started giving me this super concerned brow furrow every time I say I don't feel well.  I have also had to make up all the time I missed in the office and have been pretty swamped.  Also our house guest JP is a little more time consuming than I thought she would be.  Still happy to have her though.  =)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Alive

I'm not dead, just been a zombie lately.  Sick and busy at work do not mix.  I promise to post again soon soon soon. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Still

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Still....


I am still not feeling well.
I am still sick.
I am still not losing weight or allowed to really exercise.
My husband still doesn't get it, though he tries a lot of the time.
I still feel overwhelmed at work.
I still have the best friends and family that literally drop what they are doing if I need them.
I still feel  tired all the time and have no energy.
I still may need major surgery, I still don't want it.
There is still a chance that I could be healthy in the future but I still don't believe it.
I cannot sit still at work anymore, it is getting too uncomfortable.
I still can't tell if this treatment is helping my pain, I still feel it.
My house is still messy and my medical bills are still unpaid.
I still have to find the strength to get out of bed every morning and not to cry every night.
Every time I feel like I am scraping the bottom of my inner-strength-barrel I still find a handful when I really need it.
There are still things that terrify me about the future and my health.
There is still no end in sight for my struggles, which also means no end for my husband TB's struggles.
At night my legs ache and hurt I cannot stay still long enough to fall asleep until I am so exhausted from the pain that I drift off.
I still have no idea if I ever even want to put myself through another pregnancy, if I want a baby of my own.
I am still working on my list of positive things about being childless.
I still want my tattoo but I just haven't gotten it right yet.
I still need to finish my next challenge to myself so I can get started.
I did catch up with 5MF but I am still behind on all the posts I want to put up.
I still really wish I could just take a big breath and start to get back on track, I just still feel like I can't.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Full

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Full...

Full makes me think of my husband immediately.  We have a running theme in our lives the last few years and it is my hunger.  For whatever reason, meds, bad luck, crazy medical condition, my hunger has been incredible.  Some days I literally eat everything in sight and some days I cannot choke down water.  Every day is struggle between me and my stomach.  If I do not eat within about 20 mins of starting to feel hungry I literally get sick.  Do you know how frustrating that is?  Most of my medication makes me nauseous while it also makes me hungry.  Because I cannot really exercise enough to lose weight I have ballooned to huge huge huge and so then what to eat becomes a struggle.  Luckily I crave good food, though my husband who has to cook while I lay in bed moaning does not feel as lucky.  We have tried multiple systems and plans and cannot seem to get things on track.  I just can't get full.  Even if I eat enough to fill the space my mind wants more.  Its frustrating.

Five Minute Friday-Loss

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Loss....

Loss is something I deal with in my blog every day because it is something that I deal with in life every day.  You have no idea how many people ask why I am not 'over it' yet, but loss is not something you get over it is only something you can move through.  You have to wade in the loss and the pain and the hardship you have to get in over your head and lose your balance you have to move through it because once you are on the other side you can look back and see what you have accomplished.  If you do not feel it you will never deal with it.  If you do not work through the pain and problems you will never know life without it.  You have to force yourself through the difficult times to enjoy the good ones.  Enduring loss is something great and though we are all familiar with the path life takes no one is ever really ready for the loss that comes inevitably at the end of life.  Learn from your loss no matter how big or small.  Use memories, people and activities to keep you afloat and never apologize for your loss, just work through it.

Five Minute Friday-Grateful

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful ring of supportive family and friends.
The people that bring me dinner when I'm on bed rest, the friends that call to ask how I am, the people who leave funny facebook comments to distract me, my infallible nurse CZ who is ALWAYS there no matter what.
They are all wonderful, the family members who stroke my forehead when I am crying, the people who answer my midnight phone calls that make no sense, the cleaning, cooking and errands that get magically done. 
HB who is my ice cream fairy.
The Slurpees, carne guisada and Jack and Coke that I am given that always tastes sooooo good at a bad time.
Sweet TB who massages my tender legs and puts his arms around me when I wake up crying from pain or bad dreams.
My wonderful mama SG who tries to put things in an annoyingly positive perspective.
SC or JBU that commiserate with me when I go through something difficult or painful.
The friends that listen to me ramble endlessly when all they asked was how I'm doing.
NS who politely asks questions privately because she doesn't know whats going on instead of asking other people.
My coworkers for being flexible and dealing with my many many many doctor visits.
I just have so much to be grateful for that I cannot possibly put it all here.

Five Minute Friday-Wonder

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Wonder...

I wonder constantly what my life would be like if I had taken other avenues.  I think about the obvious ones.  Would my child be alive if I had been more careful?  Would be marriage be better or worst if we had kids now?  Would things be different for me if I just left one day and never looked back for friends or family?  I just wonder.  I tend to keep my thoughts so bottled up that eventually I get super stressed and all the walls cave in on me and I cannot breathe.  I wonder if he thought of me before he kicked the chair, I wonder if TB wishes for a different life or partner, I wonder if all of my wondering is hurting or helping me.  I just wonder a lot.  My mind floats to better and worst scenarios when I pause at my desk or check my alarm clock.  My thoughts drift to new ideas and possibilities when I close my eyes and my muscles ache to think things could be different then they are now.  Each and every scenario brings me to the same conclusion, life is hard, life is hard no matter what choices you make or roads you travel.  Life is hard so that you don't forget how fleeting it is.  Take a deep breath mwc and take the next step forward.

Friday, July 15, 2011

J J Ju Juuly July? Its July? Why didn't anyone let me know this?

I've been operating under the impression that it is still May BECAUSE THAT IS HOW BEHIND I AM.  Not just at work or the house or recovery.  In LIFE.  I am behind in life.  I am so overwhelmed, anxious and crazy lately because I have a crazy schedule of stuff to get done, a crazy pile of stuff at work, tons to do at home, my own health to work out, court case, Dr visits, family craziness, and my own personal crazy that has been weighing me down.  I have been putting off the things that make me happy and release my stress because they are not 'necessary' and they can be put off for more sleep or cleaning or working late.  I will catch up on my blog this week if it kills me, because I have had posts in my head for weeks and have not done anything about it.  I have a working computer at home again, thanks to the lovely and fabulous JP, so I should be able to get back on track. 
It seems like most of the blogs I read have had fewer and fewer posts lately because everyone is soooo busy.  I am working to get my big projects done and streamline my routine so I can get back to mine.  I really enjoy this outlet and I have had enough time off from it.
I wanted to take a little time to myself so I can evaluate what my challenge for myself did and how it helped.  I wanted time to reflect on what is next and what I should expect from myself.  I think I've had more than enough time to do that.  Although I have not made any real decisions about what to do next or how to wrap up what I have done I am anxious to get back to this in some way.  So I will get some posts out of the way I have been meaning to finish so I am 'caught up' and then move towards figuring out where to go next with my feelings.  I have been emotionally raw lately for reasons I am not 100% sure about but I think this is the best place to let those emotions run wild and get out.  So kids, look forward to more of me around here.  Bam!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'm not alone

I found this interesting article about a 'no baby boom' and how many people are electing to be childless.  I think it makes a lot of sense that people are choosing that route and not assuming life comes with love, marriage, children, retirement.  I like to see people are making their own choices and not following blind traditions. 

-I promise I will do some real blog posts very soon, I have just been taking some time for myself. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Days on my Calendar

1st-  My work calendar starts over again and things get busy.
3rd-  The busiest day of my month.
4th-  I threw a middle school style girlie sleepover for one of my best best friends KA and invited my other best best friend CZ and the three of us had an absolute blast playing MASH and doing each other's hair.  (mine is below)

5th-  Book Club night, we read Snow Crash and had munchies, things got sort of crazy but ended on good notes I think.  Also KA's actual Bday.
6th-  My aunt and uncle took a week off starting this day so they could spend time with their kids who are now out of school.
7th-  Watched the Mavs kill it at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.
9th-  My fil's bday.  Watched the Mavs win again at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.
10th-  Dr visit, then burgers and yummy food at TB's grandparents' house with the whole family for my fil's bday, then saw one of our fave bands Night Train at The Dirty Rooster and rocked late into the night with lots of friends, CZ, RB, TL, TB, KA, DW, AB.  AB and I may have had a little too much fun that night.....
11th-  Bday BBQ with great food for our friend OC.  Had a good time hanging out.
12th-  Mavs took the championship, watched it at Austin Avenue with DW, RB, TL, TF, TB, and AB.
13th-  My littlest bro celebrated the 13th anniversary of his 8th bday, gave him some cash and a big hug.
In the wee hours of the 13th/14th my other brother went to the hospital with some kidney failure-scary.
14th-  TB and I were married 3 yrs ago this day.  Visited my bro CG in the hospital to see how he was doing.
15th-Bro was released from the hospital and told to rest.
16th-slept.
17th- Got a drink with our friends RB and TL.
18th-Went to The Improv for little bro AG's bday celebration.
19th-  Brats and potato salad with the fam for father's day.  My little cousin turned 8 for the 3rd time.
20th-Tried to relax.

Phew!  Thats a lot of stuff.  I'm tired from reading it.

Five Minute Friday-Home

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Home.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

I find myself slipping and calling my office home and my parents' house home as well as my own apartment.  When it comes out I immediately groan because I either work so much that I feel like I live at the office and call it my home or I am so used to living in the same house with the same dynamic for 16 years that I call my childhood home my home now.  Being a part owner of this business gives me a lot of pride and sense of ownership here so I guess its not that bad to spit out home by accident and my parents' place was my home for a huge part of my life and I have only lived on my own for five years and that isn't much compared to the time spent there.
When I call work or my parents' place home I get aggravated because they represent two things in my life that I want very badly to get past.  My family is a group of entrepreneurial people that like to work hard and long hours to make the business they started grow.  On the other side of that, we are all workaholics.  I always swore I would be the type of person that can put work aside while I am on vacation and not take the office home with me each night.  Calling work home just reminds me how hard that is.  Especially when the business does so much for me, I feel obligated to do my best to be flexible even in my off hours.
When I call my parents' house home it reminds me of the often unhealthy situations and family dynamic I grew up in.  Although I love my family very much and have lots of fun and happy memories with them, our day to day lives were a big struggle.  When I go to my actual home I feel sick and out of control because its probably not very clean and I usually curl up in bed tired.

When I'm in a good mood home makes me think of my cats and my husband.

Five Minute Friday-Backwards

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Backwards.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

My baby fears always make me feel like I'm falling backwards.  As soon as I feel like I am strong and moving past my insecurities something stupid happens that makes me feel like I am falling backwards.  My little cousin saying he wants me to babysit him makes me tear up, seeing photos of my friends' kids on facebook, meeting babies for the first time all make feel so out of control.  I had the pleasure of meeting my husband's cousin's kids and they are so cute and adorable, I just didn't know what to do.  Looking at them simultaneously makes my heart ache and swell.  I am so happy to have these kids in my life I just want to be sure I am not clouding that good fortune with my own stupid feelings.  I am finding that since my pain is a little less raw than before I am not sure how to really deal with it.  I don't burst into tears or avoid kids so when I see them I find myself feeling blue and going back to my old thoughts.  I start to question myself and if I"m doing things right.  I start to wonder if I am as strong as I thought I was.

MIA

I know I have been seriously neglecting my blog it has just been crazy in my life lately and I just didn't get to it.  The last REAL post that I put up was on the 6th.  Yikes.  I have some catch up posts to do then a run down of why I've been gone so long and some good news.  Because I'm a dork, they need to be seperate posts.  Enjoy.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Challenge End

Assess mental health, pick a new plan for the next 6 months and talk about timeline with my husband.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Still Crying

I watched the saddest thing ever on tv last night.  I am still tearing up this evening when I think about it.  More about it later this week.....

Monday, June 6, 2011

growth

I posted a link to my blog on my facebook to celebrate that my restrictions were lifted and I didn't even have a panic attack.  Also it came up in our Book Club meeting last night and I told EF about my problems briefly without breaking into a sweat or turning bright red or feeling completely ashamed of myself.  If nothing else, this last six months and challenge to myself have helped me there.  Before I didn't want to share this or talk to anyone about it other than a few close friends.  I have felt guilt and shame that kept me from expressing how I felt.  I still feel those things a lot of the time but it is getting less and less.  I don't always see a killer when I look in the mirror, sometimes I see a grieving mother and sometimes I just see me.  THAT is a huge step for me.  I've had a little success so far, thanks for being here with me while I've found it.

Thoughts for today

Goal:  8 mins walking, 2 mins sit ups

Excited to start doing a little something to make myself feel healthier.  One of the things about this recovery crap is that I feel very out of control, which is hard for me.  It is frustrating when there isn't a lot I can do to make myself feel better.  I feel like I am sort of stuck with what I have and that's a tough feeling.  Sooo.... even though I hate 'excercising' I am going to look at it as a positive since it was banned before.  When I have a little more flexibility with what/how long I can do stuff I think I'll be able to find more fun things to do and less 'working out.'  I just don't like the idea of setting time aside to lose weight or stay in shape, I like doing active things that I enjoy instead.  We'll work towards that.

I may not have the funds to get my tattoo by the end of the week like my schedule insists but I do plan to at least make the appointment by the end of the month so I can get it done very soon.  I need a little more tweaking to find exactly what I want too and I would never want to get anything that isn't just right.  I really liked some of MH's ideas from what her friends have done.  Specifically, the idea of having several items for children or other family members and having one a different color for the lost child.  I guess I'm just thinking less memorial and more keeping my baby with me sort of a thing.  I dunno, still needs some work.

I am trying to also decide what to do about the support group thing and I just haven't made time to look some more.  I just don't know what to do about that.

My challenge is coming to an end very quickly and I need to decide what my next plan is.  Obviously soon I need to have THE TALK with TB again about where we stand with kids and stuff since that is where this whole thing started and this whole thing was so I would be less of a freak when we talked about it next.  I'm sorta thinking a little time off, the talk, and then a new six month plan with a new goal.  Yea, maybe that will work.

-Damn I have a lot to think about/decide on/get finished.  I'm tired already.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Every Day

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Every day.....


(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)


Every day I wait for more bad news.  Every day I wait to hear that my company is going under, my marriage is getting harder and my medical issues are getting worst.  I wait to hear that my friends and family are having difficulties.  I wait to learn that each day will be more difficult than the last one was.  If I am prepared for this then the hit hurts less and the aftermath easier to take care of.  When I prepare myself for every day I can plan my escape route and my next move.  I know how to save myself and how to help others.  When I prepare myself for what is coming every day I can catch myself off guard with what doesn't.  I can let myself enjoy the unexpected and appreciate it.  Every day I know I will be in pain, so when I am in less pain than yesterday its a nice surprise because I have prepared for the worst.  Each new client, nice gesture from my husband and good news from the Doc is a great new experience for me because I didn't see it coming.  I wouldn't say I am a pessimist, I prefer realist, I just like to be prepared for every thing every day.  I don't like feeling like things are out of control so if I am prepared for the worst scenario I can handle anything that actually happens.  Every day I prepare for battle, for hardship and disaster.  Most days, I am pleasantly surprised that things are better than I prepared for.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Free at last, free at last!!!!!

Its about damn time!!

Soooooo, I am officially off of restrictions.  Woo!  My doc has restricted that though.

I can start to exercise slowly I can start at 10 mins this week and add an additional 10 mins every week until I am at a work out that I am comfortable at.  I can start with things like walking, sit ups and push ups.  I am not supposed to do things like an elliptical machine or jogging (I don't jog anyways) until I get to 40 mins.  I can exercise up to 5 times a week until I hit an hour, then it goes to 3 times a week.  I have a current weight lifting restriction of 20 lbs, I can add 5 lbs to that every week also.  I am supposed to only push myself until it is uncomfortable and rush to the Dr's office if I ever feel cramp like pain or some other awful side effects.

The funniest part?  I am supposed to 'stretch my uterus.'  I am going into the office next week to figure out what the hell that means.  Most likely it includes an odd contraption, new pill or requires 800000 visits to see the doc.  So excited and complicated.  I think I'll celebrate, but how?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Doctor, let my muscles go!!!!

I have been waiting for a week for my doc to decide if he is going to release me of my restrictions and how slowly I can be released from them.
-Isn't telling me that I am off restrictions and then saying, but you have to do it slowly, sort of a restriction also?  Ugh!  Doctors.-

Getting antsy!!!  -I hate ants-

Review of this month

Reviewing this month is positive and negative.  I still have not found a support group that I like and I am just not sure I have the time and dedication to start one of my own.  I didn't receive any feedback from the post I wrote about what others would want to see in a support group either, so I'm just not sure other people out there want to talk about it.  I am continuing my search and trying to decide if I can really be the one who reaches out to start a group for others.
On the plus side of things though, the conversation with my husband went very well.  We talked a lot about our feelings and some of our plans and how we want to handle things.  Getting through to October when this portion of my recovery is over is the best thing we can do now.  We just need to look towards the future and do the hard work to get there.

I do have to say though, that 'THE TALK' thats coming at the end of June does not sound fun.  

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Character Review: Fran and Maxwell Sheffield

The Nanny and her gorgeous employer danced circles around each other and the idea of a relationship for 5 years and and then very quickly admitted their feelings for one another and got married.  Fran finds out soon after the wedding she is pregnant but does not tell Max because he expresses how much he does not want a child yet.  After finally telling him she has an accident and ends up in the hospital to find out that the pregnancy has gone away-which is pretty common.  They spend the next several months trying to get pregnant and are unable to.  It takes a long time and lots of hurt feelings but she eventually gets pregnant with twins and both parents are ecstatic.



-I'm sensing a tv theme here.  I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Forgetting

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
On forgetting.....

Forgetting is something that drives me crazy.  I don't like when people forget stuff, I especially don't like it when I forget things.  I have multiple lists and calendars and reminders all over my life to keep my schedule straight, my bills straight and my life straight.  On the other hand though, forgetting drives me crazy when I cannot forget.  Sometimes I look at my dad and all I can think about it the horror of his abusive alcoholic rages.  But you wouldn't know that stuff had ever happened if you look at us now.  I cannot seem to forget the feelings I had when I lost my child.  I cannot seem to forget a moment of that May when I lost not only my baby but my best friend.  I cannot forget looking into my husband's eyes when he tried to tell me EB had killed himself.  I cannot forget my doctor's face when she said I had miscarried or the years of medical crap that ensued after that.  I spend so much time trying not to forget so I can hold my life together that sometimes I forget to relax.  I forget to put myself first and take care of the things I want to do.  I forget that I cannot effectively help others without first helping myself.

Plus, I hate it when people forget stuff.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Getting Excited

I am really looking forward to the next step I have to take for my challenge, getting my memorial tattoo.  I have been looking all over at lots of stuff because while I already have an idea of what I want, I just think it needs a little something extra.  A lot of people have babies with wings, foot or hand prints and I'm just not sure those are right for me.  My idea so far is one of two hearts that look like they were torn out of blue construction paper.  Maybe a date or something to go with it.  I just don't know.  I plan to put it on the inside of my right ankle, opposite from my EB memorial tatt (which is a clover with a halo).  I really like the symbolism of the clover and that it is personal to EB and not generic.  Its fun and interesting.  I have lyrics from Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd on the outside of my right leg above my clover for both my baby and my best friend that I lost in that same month.  So far I am happy with my (8) tattoos and want to be really sure I am happy with this one.  I want it to be just right.  I may need a little time to get it figured out but my deadline is the end of June for sure.  I need to mess around with some design ideas and get the right thing going.  I have an artist I really like and usually he can take my crude cave drawings and turn it into beautiful art.  I just need some more time.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Character Review: Chandler and Monica

These Friends spend years as just friends and then several more years dating before they decide to get married and have children.  They have a slightly unusual situation when they find out that her uterus is inhospitable and his sperm has low motility.  They spend a long time trying conventionally but never get there.  After a while they look into adoption and find a young woman who is willing to give up her baby.  They spend time getting to know her and preparing a new home for the baby only to find out in the delivery room that they are receiving twins.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Five Minute Friday-When Seasons Change

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
When Seasons Change

I feel a little terrible but this instantly makes me think about work.  It makes me think about which seasons are busier than others, what needs to be done in each season regarding tenants and property owners and how much extra work I will  have to do.  I can remember a new assistant marking dates on her calendar and asking me what date we send out letters for spring, summer, fall and winter.  I told her that I didn't know.  We live in Texas where there are no REAL seasons, there is hot, less hot, kinda cold and warm.  (though lately the last few years have been pretty cold at times)  We have to get the letters out before the season starts as a reminder for what needs to be done and it is impossible to know what Texas will decide to do.

Support Group Searching

I have been looking all week long for some sort of support group or something similar that I can be a part of but have really found nothing that I like.  I figure I have a couple of options: a web site, facebook or in person.  I have to say that al-anon really turned me off of in person support groups.  I know that it helps a lot of people and I usually recommend them as one of the first options for someone dealing with an alcoholic in their life but I just was not a fan.  You meet in a room with people and you say several prayers and mantras that are supposed to help you then each person shares what is on their mind.  I have to say that I tried 8 groups in my area and I did not like any of them.  They were all so churchy that it made it hard to feel supported.  I seemed to get the same message over and over, 'There's nothing you can do about it, God will take care of it.'  I wasn't asking how to cure my father, I was asking how I could handle the situation better.  I just never got much out of it.  Even the ones that did not preach at me had the same thing to say, 'There's nothing you can do, it will work itself out.'  Pointless advice.  If I wanted to hear that God would take care of things isn't a church the right place to go?  If I want help dealing with my reaction to his alcoholism wouldn't you think someone would be able to help me at al-anon?  Nope, apparently not.

Sorry- got sidetracked.

Anyway, I am to busy to spend time in a group anyway and I would rather something on line where I can get help from lots of people or help lots of people in my own time. 
So far however, my search has turned up nothing that I have liked.  I haven't found any web sites that are not selling books or telling a single story, I would like to reach out to people as well.  Facebook I thought would be my best option but it seems that there just aren't very many great options on facebook regarding loss and miscarriage.  Four sites haven't been posted on for a year at least and I want to interact often.  One site had a picture of her miscarried fetus that freaked me out so much I may never sleep again-don't wanna belong to that group.  One site someone wrote in such awful short hand Internet text speak crap that I could barely understand her.  I just can't seem to find what I want.  I have come to the conclusion that I need to continue to look, reach out to anyone who may have a suggestion and possibly, start my own group.  It might be a nice start to my next six month challenge to start a group that also helps other people since my blog posts have helped me so much.  I don't know though.... I need to think about it some more.  I thought before that it might be nice to open my blog up and let guest writers share their stories but I don't know who would actually be interested in anything like that so I just haven't followed through.  I will do some more research and find some sort of answer before the month is up.  If you have any sort of suggestion please let me know, I would love to hear from you.  If you or someone you know has been through reproduction difficulty I would especially like your feedback so I can know what other people are interested in.  Thanks guys.

Step10

Look into a support group.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Steps to mental health

I was thinking about it today and I only have a month left in my six month challenge to myself to go.  I feel like I have definitely grown in the last several months and I feel less crazy than I did before.  I am feeling very anxious lately and I have some things getting wrapped up and decisions to make soon.  I need to start looking into support groups or forums for my deadline on Friday, then comes the best step of them all, I get to get my tattoo on the 10th of next month.  I need to start doing some research and figuring out just what I want.  I have a pretty good idea but I want to be sure about it.  Some days are just overwhelming lately so I'm looking forward to that step.
I need to start thinking about my options for my health, our future together and how we want to proceed with everything.  TB and I seem to have made a decision last week that I don't think people are going to like but I think its right for us.  All I can do is hope they will eventually understand.  Or just ignore them. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Character Review: Miranda Hobbs and Steve Brady

Miranda and Steve date on and off several times in Sex and the City and in the end live happily married in a lovely home with an adorable redheaded son.  During an off period for their relationship Steve learns he has testicular cancer and Miranda does what she can to comfort her friend.  She even goes with him to look at prosthetic testicles after one of his gets removed.  Miranda has found out previously that she has a 'lazy ovary' and is unlikely to be able to produce an egg for fertilization.  They have unexpected sex one day and Miranda find herself pregnant and worries about what to do.  She goes as far as to schedule an abortion appointment but changes her mind at the last minute.  She decides keeping the baby is what she really wants and becomes a caring mother who, I personally think, is a great role model for other mothers.  She works, spends time with her child, and still enjoys adult conversation with her friends.  She is able to have a child and not let it change her much.  So one ball plus one ovary sometimes equals a baby.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Share our Fears

Part of my challenge was to talk to my husband about our fears, more specifically about our fears regarding babies, no babies and what that means in our future.  It may seem odd that I scheduled this talk months ago but my husband is not very open to talking about these kinds of things and he needed the time to prepare and we both needed the time to be in a healthier place before we started spitting out things that scared us instead of our fears.  There is a difference.  Things scare us every day, small things, big things, uncontrollable things.  Talking about what scares you is pretty pointless most of the time.  Your fears however, are the things that lurk in your mind and distract you.  They are what really makes you nervous, really makes you want to run away.

It turns out that TB and I have exactly the same fears.  We are both nervous that I will never really be healthy we are both afraid that I will always be weak and tired and constantly trudging to doctors.  We are both afraid that family will continue to put pressure on us and not understand the decisions we make.  Being the oldest kids, oldest grand kids and the first married in our families puts some pressure on us.  As does knowing that ALL of our family members are EXPECTING kids.  They don't all necessarily expect these kids to come from us but they expect them from somewhere.  No one else is even close to marriage and children of our siblings and cousins so the eyes naturally fall on us.  -I do have a couple of cousins who just got married (not to each other) but they are younger and in the service and school so I don't think they are thinking babies.-  My family tends to be more 'curious' than his family and I don't think they realize that their questions and concerns can be weighty.  I had to explain for a while that my mom refusing to believe we will not have children is her way of helping.  She believes in positive thinking strongly and feels like as long as she is optimistic and sure it will happen, then it will.  This is perceived as lots of pressure by TB but I think she is just trying to help.

Overall it was a really nice talk to have.  =)

Five Minute Friday-Deep Breath

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Deep Breath.

Deep breath is something I say throughout my entire day.  I'm in pain, take a deep breath.  I'm feeling guilty, take a deep breath.  I just want to crawl into bed and never leave, take a deep breath.  I'm feeling anxious, upset, overwhelmed or excited.  Take a deep breath.

I have always felt that taking that second just to calm yourself and stop that stream of consciousness makes all the difference.  I spend a lot of time in my head, a lot of time thinking and planning and worrying.  That breath saves me every time.  Sometimes I need two.  When my husband or my mom get upset and I want to help calm them, take a deep breath.  Clear your head, think about what you're saying and doing and don't let your emotions rule your life.  Generally my breath is accompanied by 'you can get through this' my secret mantra.  Pushing myself to get through the struggles of medical problems, dr visits, marriage issues, crazy family members and a stressful job is a constant in my life.  I struggle with physical and mental disorders that can keep me depressed or weak and I push myself to get through those things in life with a deep breath.  Sometimes that is all you need to take that first step.  In a life where I constantly spend all of my tainted time and energy on other people that I love, that second of deep breath is the me time I need to realize I can do it, I can get through it and it will be alright somehow.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Have I Done the Right Things?

EB died four years ago yesterday.  That just seems wrong.  How can it have been 4 years?  How can he really be dead?  How can only 4 years have gone by?  Why does it feel so long and so short?  Is it wrong to reach out to his family?  Will it hurt more or less to let them know someone else is thinking about him?  Did his mom spend her mother's day crying for him or holding her other kids and grand kids close?  Did anyone else remember?  Am I the only one left that carries the black band on my arm, am I the only one still grieving?  Did I make the right choices?  Have I done the right things?

I find days like this, after the sadness passes and the longing subsides, I find them full of questions.  The question that looms largest in my life is 'Would it be different?'
I find my mind drifting to this question each morning while I get ready for work or when I can't sleep.  I think about it when I have good memories and bad ones.  Would things be different for me if he was alive?  How different would they be?

The anniversary fills me with thoughts of him, the day after is full of thoughts of his influence.  It may be coincidence and it may be true but it seems to me that things started to go really wrong when he died.  TB and I were happily engaged and had gotten very excited about the pregnancy.  We were looking at wedding venues and trying to decide to put the money into a wedding or a house together.  Our parents were happy and our friends were excited.  He seemed happy for us and I was looking forward to that baby calling him Uncle E.  When he took his life I took all of the stress on my shoulders to shelter TB, I spent hours making phone calls to people I didn't know to let them know their friend had passed away.  I wrote stories and memories for his family to read in the eulogy and worked hard to comfort TB and those around me.  After he would fall asleep at night I would sneak on to the balcony and bawl for hours until the sun came up and then sneak back into bed.  I just couldn't believe he had done it.  Couldn't believe he was gone.  We coordinated friends at the services and held a small memorial at our apt for friends who didn't feel comfortable with his family and the church they picked for our severely atheist friend.  For weeks after I fielded calls from his friends who wanted answers, comfort or to take their own lives.  I took all of their stress on myself so I could shield them and protect them like I always try to do.  Later in the month I lost my baby.  There is no medical reason that I lost it, the best suggestion was too much stress.  Stress.  All that stress that I took on to myself, all of that hurt and pain that I hid and ignored, did that do it?  Did that kill my baby?  How could I choose not to take care of myself in such a bad situation?  How could I not protect my child?  How can I get rid of the guilt that still haunts me years later?

How do you know if you made the right decisions?  How will I ever trick myself into believing what happened wasn't my fault?

The stress from losing EB took my baby.
The stress from losing the baby almost took my marriage.
The stress from my marriage almost took me.

Where does it all end and how do you stop it?


I wonder if things would be different if he had never died all the time.  Would some other stress have caused my body to lose the baby?  Would my marriage be better?  Would my child have been born?  Have I done the right things?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Character Review: Frank and Alice Buffay

Frank and Alice meet as student and teacher in high school and later decide to get married.  Although Frank's sister Phoebe and all of the Friends think this is unwise initially, by the end of the episode they are all supportive and happy.  Once the couple gets married they reveal that they have been trying to have a baby since they got engaged and are unable to.  They then, ask Phoebe to be the surrogate for their baby.  After a lot of thought and conferring with her birth mother who also gave birth and then gave up the baby, she decides to do it to make them happy.  She ends up pregnant with only one in vitro session and finds out she is having triplets.  In the end its hard to give them up but she is happy that she did it.  Later in the season however, you find out that Frank and Alice are completely overwhelmed with three children and are having a very tough time.

-side note-
My mom has already volunteered to be my surrogate mother and I know if I ever said yes she would be at the doctor in a second. lol

Friday, May 6, 2011

Five Minute Friday-Motherhood Should Come With

Today I'm trying something new.  I was shown this post below by my friend MH and I think it is a great attitude towards motherhood and the lack there of.
5 min fri on motherhood


I have been watching MH use this format a couple of times and I am going to try my best to do this every Friday as well.
Gypsy Mama chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes.
Only five minutes.

And the rule is that whatever she writes about in that five minutes is what she posts. No editing her thoughts.
Today, her topic choice is "Motherhood should come with…"
So I'm going to set the timer, write some thoughts, and then I'm going to stop.


Motherhood should come with..... classes, an etiquette book and an instructional video.

You should have to pass some classes to become a parent, some people in the world mistreat and take advantage of their children in the worst ways.  Physical, sexual and emotional abuse runs rampant and those poor kids live their life in that situation or move into foster care or some sort of orphanage and hopefully get to find a life with a new parent.  Not all do though.

Etiquette books about what is appropriate should be handed out with pregnancy tests so you can start studying early.  People don't usually mean to but can be so rude and/or inappropriate about their children.  I think it comes from engrossing your entire life with your child, you forget other people don't think your poop story is cute or the screaming is funny.  I get it, you get lost in your kid.  Good, you should you have a great gift.  But someone should be there to lightly tap you on the shoulder and remind you that although this is the kid's fave song, I don't need you to hand the phone over to them so I can hear it unless I am asking.

An instructional video about what is appropriate to others without children is also needed.  Telling me your horror stories so I rethink trying?  Rude.  Telling me how much I will like it when I am STILL trying.  Also kinda rude.  I don't think parents think about what comes out of their mouths, there are 2 reasons for this theory.  You are so caught up in the child's life that you forget other people are not.  and/or  You are so starved for adult conversation that everything you have thought since the last time you had one just sort of tumbles out when you open your mouth.  Neither one is bad and parents that do this should never feel ashamed or anything, I just think some reference material would help the rest of us out.  Thanks.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Review of this month

My only real note for this month is that I need to push hard to make my deadlines in May.  I set these for myself so that I force myself to grow and heal and I think it is important that I meet them no matter what happens.  I recommit myself to the blog and the challenge and will work to make sure I am healing and growing. 

Month 4 down-2 to go

Evaluate.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Character Review: Cauliflower

Nope, I'm not kidding.  Cauliflower cannot have children.  (not the traditional way at least)  Cauliflower is a hybrid and a genetic mutation from Broccoli and Cabbage.  I learned on Good Eats (in love with Alton Brown) that the buds on the heads of Cauliflower are actually called 'aborted seedlings'.  The vegetable has a chemical imbalance that aborts its seeds and keeps it from flowering.  It does carry a different kind of seed deep in the center of the stem that lets it spread but there are no traditional seeds and it will never bloom.  So Cauliflower, no wonder we like each other so much, we are in the same boat.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bent the rules......

So I mentioned before that I was going to talk to my friend JBU about my feelings about wanting to quit my medical treatments and just see what happens.  I didn't end up doing that but I did talk to the wonderful SC and she had the exact opposite feeling than I thought she would.  She has been through some similar medical issues before I was close with her and the last few years have been spent slowly sharing our experiences with one another.  As much as I wish things like this had never happened to her it is indescribable how much easier it is to talk to her than other friends who haven't been there.  It is definitely nice to talk to someone who knows.  She made a great point to me while we were talking, I have great doctors and lots of support and the flexibility at work and home to do whats needed to get me to the healthiest place I can get to.  She regrets quitting her treatments and is in a sort of difficult spot now because its really hard to start over.
So thanks again SC, you are a great friend and a huge help.  Love you.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Character Review: Charlotte York from Sex and the City

A theme I seem to see around me, and something I have brought up here before, is that more and more characters on tv and in movies are having reproductive issues.  I thought I would highlight some of those characters throughout my blog just to show how many there really are.  I will start with perky, poised Charlotte from Sex and the City.

Charlotte wanted nothing more than to find a perfect husband, have a perfect baby and live a perfect Park Avenue life.  When she met Trey, a handsome and cultured doctor, she knew she was on the right track.  Although their sex life was an initial problem that caused a separation, eventually they both wanted to try for a baby.  They tried for a while and had trouble conceiving so then looked into fertility testing.  They found out that Charlotte had a very low chance of ever having a baby and most likely would not be able to conceive on her own.  They tried hormones and fertility techniques that inevitably pushed Trey away.  His desire was not great enough to endure the hardships that came with having a baby for them.  This is what ended their marriage.  Charlotte's divorce lawyer however, was full of desire for Charlotte and they started a fling.  Their fling turned to dating and then into love.  They try for a baby naturally and get pregnant only to lose the baby shortly after.  They work hard at adoption and after many disappointments they receive a little girl.  And later on she gave birth to another little girl. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tell somebody new

So this post may be late but I did meet my challenge deadline of telling someone new about my miscarriage and what has happened since.  I explained what happened to someone that I haven't talked to about it before, my brother in law's girlfriend WH.  She was not aware of why I am sick and what happened so I let her know and its nice not to feel so awkward about it.  I for some reason feel very very strange when my sick stuff comes up and someone doesn't know where it comes from.  So yay, I actually made this one and broke the late cycle I have been living.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Behind again

Once again I did not complete my challenge objective on time.  I will do it before the week is out however.  I promise.  AND!!!! And and AND!!!! I have figured out something to do instead of babysitting someone's kids.

After a terribly busy week of Dr appointments, feeling sick and missing work for both of those reasons I burst into tears in the middle of the night and told TB I was just done and refused to go to the Dr again.  For any reason.
He explained to me calmly that I was just upset and I should really think about it before I made such a large decision.  He also urged me to talk to someone who has been through what I am going through which is a smart thing to do.  I mentioned before that he was smart didn't I?  ' )
Well the two people I could think of to talk to will have very different answers I'm sure, one is currently semi-hiding from her Dr and the other is my preggy friend that I am going to see this weekend.  I have decided to talk to them about how I am feeling and see how I feel about the whole situation after that.  It helps that my fabulous friend CZ will be with me this weekend and I am get her opinion as well because she has probably seen me go through most of my issues.  For a long time I couldn't really open up to anyone but her and because she tends to play nursemaid to her friends, she has seen my crying and yelling in pain and really been there for the worst.  I imagine she would understand some of why I wanna quit cause she's been there. 

In the back of my head I know that giving up is not really the answer but at this point the bad out weighs the good and its a viable option.

Oh, and these new pills give me hot flashes.  I think I'm might kill someone. 

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Otherwise known as JBU, mwc and my uterus.


So my awesome friend JBU is having a baby, I'm sure you've seen that here before, she announced it to everyone on her facebook and posted a sonogram photo.  It was pretty cool looking.  I have never seen one where the baby is so clear so early, she's at 3 months now.  It filled me full of emotional juices and warmth that tried leaking out my eyes but I would not let it!  I instead suppressed my hormonal need to cry at how excited I was for her and instead ate my sushi.

Oddly enough I had a sonogram the same day she did though my results looked much different.  Seeing her picture reminded me of my own and how strange it was.  They take periodic sonograms so they can see how my uterus has changed and if is shifting and just to double check that there aren't any new infections.  I usually get at least two, the first one is just my uterus as is all scrunched up and folded and crazy looking.  It sort of looks like a long slab of beef that has been balled up and left out on the counter.  The second sonogram is one of my inflated uterus so they can see everything.  Strangely enough, this looks every more odd.  You know those bouncy balls they have in big bins at like Wal-mart?  And the balls all look like someone half ass spray painted stripes onto them?  No?  Hmmm....  It sort of looks like a large zebra striped balloon in shades of pink and red.  When my uterus is inflated you can see large striations everywhere and you can see tons of scars and scar tissue masses.  I imagine this is what mars looks like sometimes.  So while JBU was looking at her hiccuping baby I was looking at the wasteland that is my empty uterus.  Aggravating how life syncs up sometimes.  Ugh!  There go my juices again.  Suck it up mwc, you're on the road to recovery.