Five Minute Friday-Together

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)

Together


Thursday night is Game Night and I look forward to it like its a holiday.  Each week I wake up thinking I get to see some of my best friends tonight, just get through a few more hours of work, do the dishes because the guys are coming over.  RM and JH have been close friends with us for 7 or 8 years now, we have been through a lot together and supported one another through it all.  We tell stupid jokes and rag on each other and compete hardcore at whatever we are playing that night.  Heckling is highly encouraged.  We spend hours laughing and giggling over cards, board games, dominoes and beers.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.  I feel so full when I lay down after those nights, all my batteries have been recharged.  JG comes over most nights and having another girl there makes it fun, occasionally someone else comes by or somebody has to work but just knowing that I get to see them each week makes me smile.  These guys are my family, sometimes better than actual family.  I'm a lucky lady to have them.  Nothing is better than seeing RM walk through the door with a hug and container full of cookie dough for me.  Seeing JH's shoes tucked under the coffee table when we leave for work Friday morning because he stayed over makes me smile.
We sit on the balcony in the breeze while the guys smoke and we tell stories about when EB was still alive and HIS game night antics, munch on whatever dessert RM brought to share and try to decide who is making the beer run.  Political discussions, childhood memories, stupid mistakes, bad ex girlfriends, how much we miss EB and our crazy parents are always brought up among the stories we tell and retell and then tell again.  It doesn't hurt that I usually win whichever game we're playing.  ')

Damn Lucky -also I ramble

You know those overbearing, nosy, rude, stereotypical mother in laws that are always on TV and movies (like Monster in Law or Everybody Loves Raymond)?  Well folks, I am so lucky that mine is the opposite of those fictional ladies in every way.  We spent this weekend celebrating a friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend and some friends.

-I have to take a second and explain the odd family dynamics of that party so you get whats going on.  TB met AF at work 7 or 8 years ago when he was a full fledged member of the Starbucks Cult and we all became good friends.  Knowing AF, we soon got to know his dad TF and as he's into the same music and sports and frequented the same bars we went to we got to be very good friends with TF.  AF was MIA for a couple of years and is now back full force.  While he was gone we spent a lot of time with his dad and found out he was getting separated, I thought he'd be great for my MIL and so we got them together so they could become friends.  We invited her to watch the games and see the bands with us that she already liked so they had a good time hanging out with us.  (TF tells us with love sick grin that they met watching game six of the NBA championship last year, obviously the same day they won the title.)  They hit it off and started texting and hanging out and several months later they have plans to move in together when his lease is up.  -aaawwwwwwww

TF and AB are dating, TB and I are married, AF and CS are dating, TF is AF's dad, AB is TB's mom.  To complicate things a little more TF is very good friends with me and TB, AF is good friends with me and TB also and CS is one of our tenants at work.  phew.

Soooo, TB and I went to The Man Cave -aka TF's place- for AF's bday to celebrate with the above mentioned people.  It was a blast, too much fun to even describe here.

But, my original point, my MIL is awesome.  She is sweet and fun to hang out with I am comfortable when its just us or the whole family.  She is always there with helpful advice but has never ever given it to me unless I asked for it.  She is just a wonderful person.  At the party this weekend CS commented that she thought it was sweet that I call her Mom.  She really is my mother, I'm just lucky enough to have two.  It got me thinking however, about the day we told her I was pregnant.  Now if you don't remember, we were engaged but not married yet and it was a big big surprise so we were nervous to let the parents know because we were still pretty young at 20 and 21.  She was surprised but very supportive and excited.  I can remember as we were walking down the path to leave later that night I gave her a big hug and told her thank you using her name.  She put her hands on my small belly and said, ' Well you might as well call me Mom.  You know, if you want to.'  Teary and with a big grin I hugged my new Mom again and I've called her that ever since.

Deafening Silence

I read a very honest post today from Me and Mine that although was about a pretty difficult topic, gave me some joy.  Pregnancy hormones can do so many things to your body, you just don't even know.  Allison, the woman who writes at Me and Mine, went through antepartum depression while she was pregnant.  It is similar to postpartum but (as I'm sure you can guess) happens before you are separated from your child -i e during the pregnancy.  Her post is raw and honest and moved me, but her message is what stuck with me the most.  She urged anyone who felt not quite right or knew someone who may be going through something similar to talk about it openly.  Be honest and let others know how you feel.  Be there for someone who may not know how to bring it up.  That hiss in your head that tells you to keep it quiet, don't let anyone know, can be SO LOUD sometimes.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault.  Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days.  Some days it is just there.  I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too.  No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic.  By the way did I mention my baby died?'  Yea, no one wants to be that person. 
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences.  This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong.  When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in.  After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in.  The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me.  I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing.  People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it.  That was really great.  You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.

Be open and honest with people around you.  Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems.  Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.

PT Update

I got some pretty awesome news yesterday when I went in for Physical Therapy, good news is not something I'm used to so I was pretty excited.
I started going to physical therapy several months ago to combat some shooting pains in my legs and arms and the constant pain and ache I was feeling in my legs and hips.  My doctor prescribed PT for me after looking at my MRI and x ray results and finding that I have 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs that were the cause of most of my pain.  I started going twice a week and then moved to once a week and yesterday they said they want me to start coming in every 10 days.  Yay!  I'm excited that they feel like I'm getting better, and while I'm definitely not 100% I can tell the pain is lessening and feels different.  When the therapist screened me yesterday she said I was in good shape, that's the first time that happened so far.  I am excited to think that I could really be getting better and dealing with the pain. 

Five Minute Friday-Light

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  =)

Light


Light is something I am not.  I am not happy or sunny or optimistic, I am round and heavy, and I don't do subtle well.  I sometimes forget that others don't know that about me yet when I meet new people, hence the crazy situation with some friends of ours lately.  Long story short, my body language and lack of subtlety led to a situation that got misconstrued and I could have prevented the whole thing with a light touch.  I'd rather be wearing black and in high school I was one of the goth kids.  I still am waaay into horror movies, Halloween decorating and zombie invasion escape plans.  Light has never been my thing.  The bathroom scale would agree.  I've put on a lot of weight from my medical crap and since my restrictions still keep me from most exercise I just can't get rid of that.  So for now I'm pretty heavy, hopefully we can change that.  I'd just like to be a little healthier, the size isn't the issue for me really.  I constantly expect the worst things to happen and my OCD brain gets overactive and plans for every feasible terrible thing that could ever happen.  Good side, this means that when little stuff happens I'm pretty relieved that the crazy in my head was not real, bad side however is that I do this about EVERYTHING so there is always a lot on my mind.  That probably explains some of my insomnia..... also headaches.... also therapist visits..... hmmm maybe I'm rambling now....

Give and Take

All relationships are a system of give and take, I really believe that when you step back and look at the transactions you've had with a person you should be able to see a balance.  Everyone needs to take more than they give sometimes and everyone gives more than they take at times.  That's just how life goes, sometimes you need to ask for a little more.  Last post I talked about all the things my job gave me, since my grandmother BC started the company, gave me the job and trained me she essentially gave me all of those things too.  There are a lot of give and take situations when it comes to BC, we spend a lot of time together for work, we spend time together as family and just enjoy one another.  The push and pull in our relationship is obvious.  Well its been a giving year so far for me in that relationship, she has given me a lot over the years in my job and otherwise and I have given back to her by being there when she needs support through her tough medical times.  (every day work stuff cancels each other out so I don't count that)  She had another set back and is back in the hospital again today unfortunately.  I just can't get these grandmas well!
My great grandmother, EE, has moved from the nursing home where she was getting mild therapy to an in patient rehab facility that is giving her standard physical therapy.  So she is doing better, not great, but is still locked up.  Just as she is starting to have some real improvement, BC gets a serious asthma attack and pneumonia and goes to the hospital late last night.  As soon as one gets a little better the other gets worst.  So we've had another day of shuffling around to get BC's work covered in the office and another day of visiting ladies in the hospital/rehab center.  Unfortunately it looks like BC needs a few days of care and they are in two different cities.  I know it really breaks her spirit to be back there and when I see either of them I just want to hug them a thousand times.
I'm starting to feel a little paranoid though.  This is the first year in the last five years that I am actually feeling a little bit better.  I am working really hard on my physical therapy and trying to change the things I can to make my back/legs better and just when I am getting some relief everyone else around me goes down.  So far this year my uncle had a heat attack, my grandfather had another stroke, BC has been in and out with back fractures, cancer scares and now this, EE had an awful stroke, my brother thinks he has another staff infection which is what led to his kidney failure last time.  Man, it has been hectic.  Is this some weird reverse karma thing where everyone who helps me gets sick or hurt?  What is going on lately?  I'm finally kinda ok and everyone else is having issues.  Maybe everyone saw that I have a little less stress lately and thought they'd fix that. 
Take your vitamins and get checked by your doctor if you've been nice to me in the past half decade because apparently that makes you a target.