A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Faith

I have always been very interested in religion, I have spent time in my life researching various religions and reading their various scripts and learning their stories.  I feel like religion is a very personal decision and I like to be informed.  I want to decide that religion is right for me and embrace it.  I want to make the choice where my faith belongs.  I have visited many many different kinds of churches and asked lots of people to share about their religion.  I have found that that just isn't for me.  I respect those that have such a relationship with their god that they are able to ignore those who argue with them or disagree, I respect making a commitment to their god and working to make their life what he would want.  I love to hear about other people's faith and relationship with their religion.  Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith.  Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring.  She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong.  Without saying anything to me or doing anything in particular she has shown me a life filled with faith.  It makes me happy to know she has that faith in these last hours.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have that faith, to have a different relationship with god.  Although I still feel like this is not for me and not a life I would lead, putting that thought in my head is powerful.  I think it is important to reaffirm your choices in life.  Making a decision one day and sticking to it just because that is your decision is something I do not agree with.  I think you should question yourself sometimes and makes decisions every day.  You may find that your decision today is the same as yesterday, that's great, that means you are doing what is right for you.  Sometimes you may make a different decision tomorrow, that's good too it means you have changed and your decisions are changing with you.  Choose to have faith every day and you will live an active life with god the way Gitz has.  Choose to have faith one day and then go through the motions and you are not letting yourself live the best life you can.  Find where you want to put your faith and do it.  Put all of it where you find it is best for you.  Do it.  Do not hesitate.  But question yourself throughout your life, ask yourself if your faith is still there because you are still there or if it is still there because its easy.  Faith is powerful and it can be wielded in many different ways.  Gitzen Girl chooses to have faith in her god every single day, every moment in fact.  I respect that she makes that choice constantly and had led her life knowing that her faith is in the right place.

4 comments:

  1. "Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith. Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring. She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong." - This. This is a beautiful legacy she has left with you, and it makes me feel so good for my friend. She would be honored. And this is not about you being wrong - it's about all of us looking at faith differently. That Christianity isn't a religion - it's a relationship.

    Can I be honest? I have spent a lot of time over the last year or two just SO burned out on Christians. On church. On all of this mess. The judgment of other Christians and the junk in my own life that makes me want to throw a giant fit and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS, GOD!" I have been angry. I have been bitter.

    But I'm learning how to let go of that. (And I mean, learning recently.) I'm a long ways from done, for sure, but Sara and other friends who are walking with me through this have made me realize that my attitude is childish, selfish.

    Our Creator loves us and is faithful to us even in times of trial. I strive to remember this, to let go of the control I want to have, to be broken and rely on Him. Many times I fail. (Most times I fail!) But I know that I am loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father. And I should praise Him for that the way she did. Bottom line - I am redeemed. I am saved. And I couldn't have done that on my own.

    God doesn't promise us a perfect life. In fact, it can be pretty shitty, actually. (You know!) But understanding that I don't have to be in control of it and that I can praise Him despite my circumstances - there is so much freedom in that.

    And on top of that? The assurance that I'm going to see Sara again someday is worth all of it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you that it is wonderful to be so honest. I love that you can share your doubts and questions. I think that an honest relationship with your faith makes you an awesome person. I have enjoyed getting to know you more/again through your blog lately. =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Me too, Liz!! We seriously still need to scrapbook together.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know!!! We need to do that soon. That would be a lot of fun.

    ReplyDelete