Scarred

Soo.... I got it!  I got my tattoo finally. 

BAAAMMMMM!!  There it is.

I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person.  This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special.  I am so happy with it =)

Family Vacation

I am coming to the end of a family vacation to the beach at Port Aransas, TX.  We have spent the last 4 nights laughing, talking and hanging out together.  We used to come to this beach as kids with my parents and grandparents and TB and I have been coming the last few years with friends because we like it so much.  This time we came to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday and enjoy time together.  My grandparents came with and all of us 3 kids had a significant other to bring.  Its really fun and sorta weird.  We used to play in the sand and build castles and run in the waves as little kids and instead this year my brother proposed on the beach with the whole family watching.  It was really wonderful.

I haven't lived at my parents' house for 5 years now.  I don't get this big family interaction every day like my brothers do that still live with them.  Being surrounded by all these people and having such a nice time makes me feel full.  I feel like my life is/will be fine without children.  I also can see towards the future when we come back with a brood of my nieces and nephews to show them the beach.  My family is weird/difficult/complicated and so much fun I can barely stand it sometimes.  We are truly a circus sometimes.  But they are my family and I love them with everything I have.  Watching my brothers lovingly dote on their girlfriends, seeing my parents hold hands and listening to stories of when my grandparents were newly married makes me know that these people are my home.  They are my heart.

I know that TB and I may not get to do this with our kids in the future but I know that we will be included when my brothers do it with theirs.  We will have little ones to run around in our lives whether they are ours or not.

Days like these make it easy to think I will never have a traditional family life because I ALREADY have an awesome one.  Kids or no kids, life can be good.  Just like right now.  As everyone starts to wake up and pack to go home because they have other obligations, we get to pack and move to another condo because our friend KA is driving down today and we get a few more days at the beach with friends.  I could not do that if I had kids in tow.  I am grateful for the things in life that show me that it will be ok.

Faith

I have always been very interested in religion, I have spent time in my life researching various religions and reading their various scripts and learning their stories.  I feel like religion is a very personal decision and I like to be informed.  I want to decide that religion is right for me and embrace it.  I want to make the choice where my faith belongs.  I have visited many many different kinds of churches and asked lots of people to share about their religion.  I have found that that just isn't for me.  I respect those that have such a relationship with their god that they are able to ignore those who argue with them or disagree, I respect making a commitment to their god and working to make their life what he would want.  I love to hear about other people's faith and relationship with their religion.  Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith.  Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring.  She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong.  Without saying anything to me or doing anything in particular she has shown me a life filled with faith.  It makes me happy to know she has that faith in these last hours.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have that faith, to have a different relationship with god.  Although I still feel like this is not for me and not a life I would lead, putting that thought in my head is powerful.  I think it is important to reaffirm your choices in life.  Making a decision one day and sticking to it just because that is your decision is something I do not agree with.  I think you should question yourself sometimes and makes decisions every day.  You may find that your decision today is the same as yesterday, that's great, that means you are doing what is right for you.  Sometimes you may make a different decision tomorrow, that's good too it means you have changed and your decisions are changing with you.  Choose to have faith every day and you will live an active life with god the way Gitz has.  Choose to have faith one day and then go through the motions and you are not letting yourself live the best life you can.  Find where you want to put your faith and do it.  Put all of it where you find it is best for you.  Do it.  Do not hesitate.  But question yourself throughout your life, ask yourself if your faith is still there because you are still there or if it is still there because its easy.  Faith is powerful and it can be wielded in many different ways.  Gitzen Girl chooses to have faith in her god every single day, every moment in fact.  I respect that she makes that choice constantly and had led her life knowing that her faith is in the right place.

My friend Gitz?

A wonderful person I sort of know is going through a difficult time.  She has had a long term debilitating medical condition that has kept her from many things in her life.  It has never stopped her from being positive, honest and inspiring though.  She is someone who does not let the things she cannot do get her down.  Her motto Choose Joy is indeed how she lives.  She trusts fully that god has made the right choice for her life and has even found that being isolated in her condo without work or distractions can be a good thing because it lets her be close to god.  She has such incredible faith it is just amazing.  You see, I don't actually know Gitzen Girl in person.  We have never talked on the phone or really even had a direct conversation.  I was introduced to her blog through a friend I do know, Mandy, who showed me a beautiful post with great perspective about not having children and what that brings to her friends that do.  After that post I was hooked.  I found myself reading old posts on my phone while TB drove us home from work.  Her outlook is just so interesting to me, so empowering.  She has the ability to truly 'let go and let god' and although I have heard this for many many years I have yet to see someone fulfill it.  I am surrounded by people this week, when I seem down or start to zone out to think of Gitz and her many many posts that touched me, someone always seems to ask what is wrong.  I find myself saying, 'my friend is dying.'  I feel a little funny saying that considering I do not really know her and have not met.  I also do not want to take away from those who do know her.  But she makes it easy to feel like she is my friend.  She makes it easy to feel like I know her.  She is so open about her life that I feel like we are friends, I have read so many of her words that it feels like a conversation we've had.  Looking at her comments I see all the blog followers, friends and family that have lovely sentiments for her and I know that though she cannot see them she can certainly feel them.  Those that know her are wrapping her in comfort, love and admiration.  I will miss seeing your posts and getting to know you better Gitz.  I will miss you.  I hope that you are no longer in pain and that you can sit with your dad and watch over the ones you love.  You can't know how much your words have inspired me to be more positive and accept the things I have been handed.  My own journey through medical problems, restrictions and procedures has been punctuated with your never ending positive perspective that gives me a different view and sometimes pull me out of my own thoughts.  I am not there yet, I still have a terrible outlook on my recovery, but I am working towards it.  I am trying to get there and you are a large stepping stone.  Thank you for your words, your blog and your life.  Rest peacefully when it is your time and feel no pain.  You will not know how many lives you have touched.

Five Minute Friday-in real life

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

In real life....

In real life you cannot bitch about how things are not fair.  You and I are different and do not deserve the same things.  So just shut up.  Those guys over there have been through things you don't know about.  People you have never even noticed notice you every day.  You just can't complain about whether things are fair or not.  We have all been brought up with positive reinforcement so it makes sense that working hard gets you good things.  That's just not how it always happens.  Sometimes good people get bad stuff.  Sometimes its not a happy ending.  Things don't just go away.

Five Minute Friday-Rest

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

Rest.....


Rest is something that plagues my life.  I'm sure most everyone feels like they don't get enough rest.  I certainly do.  When I am truly at rest I feel so relaxed and light, no heavy problems weighing on my brain for that moment.  I am usually curled into the nook of my husband's arm or laying with a snuggly cat purring on me or just laying in my bed by myself thinking how nice it is to have a moment to myself.  I went to Possum Kingdom last weekend and when people ask about it I excitedly tell them I read a book on the dock for almost 2 hours.  I usually get a strange look.  I am most excited to read my book at the lake?  What about the boat or jet ski or fishing or hiking or fun people?  Well yea, all of those things are nice but I spent a nice chunk of time propped up against the post of the dock reading while the wind flapped my pages and KA read silently nearby.  It was just heaven.  That is the kind of rest I think I crave the most.  I can always sleep if I take a pill or get tired enough.  I can always make it through a sleep deprived day when I am filled to the brim with coffee but that kind of rest where nothing is weighing me down, interrupting me or causing me problems is the kind that truly energizes me to my core.  Hopefully my upcoming vacation will provide similar rest.

Mandy's Question

As a follow up to yesterday and to Mandy's question from her blog post here is my list of things I think I do well.
Ahem....

I am good at listening.  I like to try and listen to a person and what they have to say and give an answer to the questions they ask or not to answer at all if they are not asking me anything.  People are too quick to give unsolicited advice and I like to be sure that I am not one of them if at all possible.  I am the first one to offer advice or a solution if my friends and loved ones ask for my help but most often listening is what people really need.

Not to be contradictory but, I think I give pretty good advice.  I am also good at being unbiased.  I look at things as objectively as possible and answer the question the best way I know how.  My personal feelings rarely have to do with what others should do so I try to keep them out of it.

I am good at being creative.  I like to find new answers to daily puzzles whether its how to fit that last piece of trash in the bag or how to solve an accounting problem at work.  I feel like looking at things from every angle and thinking them through is a strong point of mine.  Finding a new solution that someone else hasn't thought of makes me smile because I could help. 

I am good at my job.  I do collections and accounting at a real estate company that my family owns and have been for a while now.  I really feel like I have found a great niche in this company.  When I was younger my grandmother used to pay me to stick labels onto to flyers and cards to mail out and then to file her papers and later to organize her office.  I have worked on these sorts of projects since I was 12.  In 2002 when I was 17 I started working in the office part doing errands and assistant stuff with my grandmother, after I graduated in 2004 I started working there full time was working on more important projects like processing payments and reports and balancing the checkbook.  I started studying accounting in college and realized I found an area that the company needed help in and slowly worked into the position.  Now I handle collecting money on current and past due accounts as well as customer service, office manager and all of the company taxes.  I handle evictions, court cases and violations.  Basically I am good at being tough when no one else wants to.  My family members are so nice and compassionate that they always want to help and that isn't always what is best for the business.  I am good at separating my compassion from the necessity of the job well enough to be polite and firm.  Being at the company for 11 years doesn't hurt either, it means that I literally grew up learning this business and the people we work with.

I am good at being myself.  I do not feel shy or awkward or feel the need to apologize for myself.  I am up front with my characteristics as well as my flaws and let people decide if they want to deal with me or not.  I am never afraid to speak my mind or do what I think is right.

I can throw a nice right hook.

I am good at protecting the people around me.  Whether something dangerous like being vigilant in a car wreck or something simple like telling someone to back off, I am good at being there for the people who need me.  KA calls me 'the hawk, ca caaaaaa' because I hawk-eye people when we go out that are bothering her.

I am good at looking on the bright side and picking out the positive things.  When someone is down I am the first to find a funny angle or a good spot they may have overlooked.

I am good at scrapbooking, I don't win prizes or anything but I think my pages look nice and document my many memories well.  Others can look at them later and hear my story.

I'm a pretty good wife I think.  I know I cam difficult and demanding sometimes but I really do my best to be good to my husband TB.  I pay the bills and budget our money and work hard to find some extra savings when I know there's something he wants to do.  I try to be encouraging while realistic and express my feelings clearly and not be an emotional mess.  I like to make him laugh and see him smile and do small things to make his life easier.  I try to be tough and remind him to do things when he wants me to keep him on track with something and back off and leave him alone when he wants to do it himself.  I try to find the time money and space to do the things he is passionate about whether together or separate.  I work to make things better for us and to make us better.  I push him to be his best and challenge him to do more.  I spend time being silly and goofy too.  I try to make sure our life is as balanced as possible.  When he cleans the kitchen I make him dinner and when I'm tired I buy it.

I am getting pretty good at couponing.  I have been using coupons lately to get some great deals and stock up on the essentials.  I try to make smart purchases that we will need and keep them as low as possible.  I have gotten lots of stuff for free or less than a dollar.  Its kind of fun too, like a game.

I'm also good at Halloween.  Just in general.  I am good at thinking up fun decorations and scary costumes and finding a way to transform our house every year for as little money as possible.  -we just started a Halloween Blog together where we can showcase the many crafty things we make and do for this fun holiday.

I try very hard to be a good friend and a good daughter as well as a good sister and sister in law and daughter in law not to mention a good niece and a good grandchild.  I think I am good at these things too.



What are you good at?  What are you proud of?  Tell me in the comments or make your own post and leave me the link.  =)