A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Why is abortion a tragedy when miscarriage should be kept quiet?

Disqualified Grief

This article above was posted on facebook by a friend/family member of mine and I thought it really meant a lot.  This woman fights and grieves for abortion reform with other pro lifers but when she honors her child taht was lost they are tense, weird, uncomfortable and discount her feelings.  We ALL should recognize that grief is not something we should ignore and losing your child at any age, at any time is difficult.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Beyonce miscarriage

I'm not one who usually follows celebrities and their lives but I do think that I will be watching this show about Beyonce.  I like that she keeps herself private and doesn't do everything for show and I admire anyone who is strong enough to talk about their miscarriage and what that felt like to such a large audience.

Monday, October 15, 2012

PILR and 5/23

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

While the following is not specifically graphic it may be difficult.

On 5/23/07 TB and I headed to the OBGYN together for the first time.  I had been to previous appointments with other doctors for well check ups and all the prenatal vitamins and things that you do early on but this was the first time that TB was coming with me and the first time at the big clinic with the doctor-who-shall-not-be-named-because-we-are-currently-suing-her.  All indications from the nurses meant that this would be the appointment you think about when you think of pregnancy; hearing the heart beat for the first time together, seeing a sonogram that actually looked kinda like a baby and not just a lump.  We sat forever in the waiting room and giggled and got really excited.  We were about to see and hear our child for the first time and we were just excited.  Once in the exam room we answered more questions (including several not so nice ones about how young we were) and got ready for the sonogram.  The first one didn't work so we tried a different kind and that one showed nothing as well.  My heart just sank as they tried everything they could to find the heartbeat.  There was not movement, no heartbeat and things just started to fall apart.  I was rushed to the hospital portion to see another doctor to see if the pregnancy had become ectopic, which means the egg latches and grows in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus, and if there was any danger.  I spent a long time staring at the ceiling alone waiting for the doctors to decide what was going on.  He began to search for anything unusual and came to the conclusion that the fetus had stopped living very recently.  After I counted the ceiling tiles for the thousandth time through my tears, he eventually was able to ensure that I was not in any danger and we started to talk about how to pass the baby the safest way.  We scheduled an appointment for the morning.
TB and I left the office devastated.  We sat in the car and just cried in the parking lot, neither of us knowing what to say.  We drove over to my parents' house and told them the news and cried some more.  We had no reasons, no answers, no explanations.  We just didn't know what to do.  After a long time talking we decided to go home and rest for the upcoming day.  Both of us fell asleep almost immediately.  I woke up a few hours later, laying on top of the covers and sleeping still in my clothes and shoes.  Something didn't feel right.  I used the restroom and saw the blood that I had been warned might start appearing.  After some time I realized that there was more pain than there should be and my body was passing the fetus and flushing everything out of my uterus.  I sat in the tub by myself for hours and went through the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.  When the contractions slowed down and it looked like things were over I turned on the shower and cried until there were no tears left.  I wrapped myself in robes and towels but could not get warm.  Eventually I crawled back into bed, wet and shivering and curled up next to a sound asleep TB.
The doctor cancelled the procedure the next day since it was no longer necessary and soon after I started to have unusual symptoms and issues that began my long recovery process.  I have since unsuccessfully tried to overcome the guilt, loss, pain and leftover trauma of that experience.  Though I have not yet won those wars, I am winning more battles and am no longer afraid to talk about my experiences throughout the last 5 years.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


I have been reflecting lately on my state in my life and my future plans.  It seems everyone in the world is having a baby lately.  I have been invited to 3 baby showers in the last month and know of AT LEAST 4 other people who are expecting right now.  Going to BU's first birthday and CR's 2nd birthday were also milestones that make me stop and think.
First of all, where has all of this time gone?  How are my friends and I old enough to have babies and families and all that other stuff?  What has happened?  It feels like we are just not far along on our timelines to be doing that kind of thing.
Second, I am just ridiculously overjoyed that I got to be at BU's birthday party and watch him gnaw on his cake and be adorable.  He is just the cutest thing ever.  I felt like The Grinch when his heart grows too big and breaks that thing when I signed Aunt L on his present.  It's just fun to be referred to as his aunt.  JU (his mom) is one of my closest friends and one of the best people on the planet and I am just in love with her son.  -in the appropriate way clearly
But third, I get this weird little half pang of sadness that I will probably never be on that path.  I am more than happy for my loved ones that are getting that gift but it just twists a little when I realize I just probably never will.  When giggling about baby shower games I made the declaration that MY baby shower would have booze for the guests and strippers so everyone could enjoy themselves properly and not ooh and aaah over tiny baby things.  I had to stop and clarify IF I had a baby shower it would have those things and that took some of the fun out of it.  I really feel like babies are a bad choice at this exact point in my life but it is just a tiny bit difficult to look at these children that other people get to love so much and live with every day and I get nothing.  I guess I have cats, they sure are whiny and spoiled like kids.  They aren't children though, they are cats.  My husband acts like a toddler some days but that's really a different story.  I am so looking forward to my auntly duties as BU gets older and my brothers start having kids and I become Aunt L again and again.  I just need to continue to work on sewing up this hole I feel inside.