Review of this month

My only real note for this month is that I need to push hard to make my deadlines in May.  I set these for myself so that I force myself to grow and heal and I think it is important that I meet them no matter what happens.  I recommit myself to the blog and the challenge and will work to make sure I am healing and growing. 

Month 4 down-2 to go

Evaluate.

Character Review: Cauliflower

Nope, I'm not kidding.  Cauliflower cannot have children.  (not the traditional way at least)  Cauliflower is a hybrid and a genetic mutation from Broccoli and Cabbage.  I learned on Good Eats (in love with Alton Brown) that the buds on the heads of Cauliflower are actually called 'aborted seedlings'.  The vegetable has a chemical imbalance that aborts its seeds and keeps it from flowering.  It does carry a different kind of seed deep in the center of the stem that lets it spread but there are no traditional seeds and it will never bloom.  So Cauliflower, no wonder we like each other so much, we are in the same boat.

Bent the rules......

So I mentioned before that I was going to talk to my friend JBU about my feelings about wanting to quit my medical treatments and just see what happens.  I didn't end up doing that but I did talk to the wonderful SC and she had the exact opposite feeling than I thought she would.  She has been through some similar medical issues before I was close with her and the last few years have been spent slowly sharing our experiences with one another.  As much as I wish things like this had never happened to her it is indescribable how much easier it is to talk to her than other friends who haven't been there.  It is definitely nice to talk to someone who knows.  She made a great point to me while we were talking, I have great doctors and lots of support and the flexibility at work and home to do whats needed to get me to the healthiest place I can get to.  She regrets quitting her treatments and is in a sort of difficult spot now because its really hard to start over.
So thanks again SC, you are a great friend and a huge help.  Love you.

Character Review: Charlotte York from Sex and the City

A theme I seem to see around me, and something I have brought up here before, is that more and more characters on tv and in movies are having reproductive issues.  I thought I would highlight some of those characters throughout my blog just to show how many there really are.  I will start with perky, poised Charlotte from Sex and the City.

Charlotte wanted nothing more than to find a perfect husband, have a perfect baby and live a perfect Park Avenue life.  When she met Trey, a handsome and cultured doctor, she knew she was on the right track.  Although their sex life was an initial problem that caused a separation, eventually they both wanted to try for a baby.  They tried for a while and had trouble conceiving so then looked into fertility testing.  They found out that Charlotte had a very low chance of ever having a baby and most likely would not be able to conceive on her own.  They tried hormones and fertility techniques that inevitably pushed Trey away.  His desire was not great enough to endure the hardships that came with having a baby for them.  This is what ended their marriage.  Charlotte's divorce lawyer however, was full of desire for Charlotte and they started a fling.  Their fling turned to dating and then into love.  They try for a baby naturally and get pregnant only to lose the baby shortly after.  They work hard at adoption and after many disappointments they receive a little girl.  And later on she gave birth to another little girl. 

Tell somebody new

So this post may be late but I did meet my challenge deadline of telling someone new about my miscarriage and what has happened since.  I explained what happened to someone that I haven't talked to about it before, my brother in law's girlfriend WH.  She was not aware of why I am sick and what happened so I let her know and its nice not to feel so awkward about it.  I for some reason feel very very strange when my sick stuff comes up and someone doesn't know where it comes from.  So yay, I actually made this one and broke the late cycle I have been living.

Step 8

Tell someone new about the miscarriage.

Behind again

Once again I did not complete my challenge objective on time.  I will do it before the week is out however.  I promise.  AND!!!! And and AND!!!! I have figured out something to do instead of babysitting someone's kids.

After a terribly busy week of Dr appointments, feeling sick and missing work for both of those reasons I burst into tears in the middle of the night and told TB I was just done and refused to go to the Dr again.  For any reason.
He explained to me calmly that I was just upset and I should really think about it before I made such a large decision.  He also urged me to talk to someone who has been through what I am going through which is a smart thing to do.  I mentioned before that he was smart didn't I?  ' )
Well the two people I could think of to talk to will have very different answers I'm sure, one is currently semi-hiding from her Dr and the other is my preggy friend that I am going to see this weekend.  I have decided to talk to them about how I am feeling and see how I feel about the whole situation after that.  It helps that my fabulous friend CZ will be with me this weekend and I am get her opinion as well because she has probably seen me go through most of my issues.  For a long time I couldn't really open up to anyone but her and because she tends to play nursemaid to her friends, she has seen my crying and yelling in pain and really been there for the worst.  I imagine she would understand some of why I wanna quit cause she's been there. 

In the back of my head I know that giving up is not really the answer but at this point the bad out weighs the good and its a viable option.

Oh, and these new pills give me hot flashes.  I think I'm might kill someone. 

Step 7

Talk about questions with my husband.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Otherwise known as JBU, mwc and my uterus.


So my awesome friend JBU is having a baby, I'm sure you've seen that here before, she announced it to everyone on her facebook and posted a sonogram photo.  It was pretty cool looking.  I have never seen one where the baby is so clear so early, she's at 3 months now.  It filled me full of emotional juices and warmth that tried leaking out my eyes but I would not let it!  I instead suppressed my hormonal need to cry at how excited I was for her and instead ate my sushi.

Oddly enough I had a sonogram the same day she did though my results looked much different.  Seeing her picture reminded me of my own and how strange it was.  They take periodic sonograms so they can see how my uterus has changed and if is shifting and just to double check that there aren't any new infections.  I usually get at least two, the first one is just my uterus as is all scrunched up and folded and crazy looking.  It sort of looks like a long slab of beef that has been balled up and left out on the counter.  The second sonogram is one of my inflated uterus so they can see everything.  Strangely enough, this looks every more odd.  You know those bouncy balls they have in big bins at like Wal-mart?  And the balls all look like someone half ass spray painted stripes onto them?  No?  Hmmm....  It sort of looks like a large zebra striped balloon in shades of pink and red.  When my uterus is inflated you can see large striations everywhere and you can see tons of scars and scar tissue masses.  I imagine this is what mars looks like sometimes.  So while JBU was looking at her hiccuping baby I was looking at the wasteland that is my empty uterus.  Aggravating how life syncs up sometimes.  Ugh!  There go my juices again.  Suck it up mwc, you're on the road to recovery.

Good news so far

So not much has changed since Monday but I am happy to report that 89% of my muscles are moving.  That is huge!!!! I was at zero for, oh, three years. 

Once the muscles start to move they will start to shrink and go back to how they are supposed to.  This will help my scars heal, help my body reposition my organs that have been scrunched up for too long and help me lose some weight.  This also paves the way for a higher chance of kids naturally and possibly removing some of my scar tissue so everything can get fixed.  More than anything else I am excited because this means I will start to get better faster and we can take some real steps towards clearing everything up instead of getting stopped every 2 seconds because something isn't working.  So good news oveall but still exhausted and feeling pretty shitty so I'm not gonna write down the thousands of entries I have composed in my head.  Sorry guys.

Falling Down on the Job

I'm pissed, tired, sick, exhausted, hungry and busy.  I have not updated in forever but it will just have to wait.  Back later, mwc.