Carving Pumpkins

Tonight we are carving pumpkins with my friends, something I just love to so.  We get silly, usually put on random costumes or masks and take a ton of laughing pictures.   I like to see how creative everyone gets and I end up with a huge display of jack o lanterns when we're done.  CZ came the first year, then CA and SC, then CZ, SC and BZ, this year CZ, JF JP and my little brother AG are coming and its gonna be a blast.

In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays.  Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce.  Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them.  These are things I just loved doing.

Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun.  The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning.  I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back.  I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.

10-15

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Sounds like a long and sad name, but if you think about it its pretty nice.  A lot of ladies feel like they cannot talk about the loss of a baby or miscarriage.  Many people feel like this is less of a loss because they are not born yet or are alive for such a short time.  I, obviously, feel the opposite of this and want to celebrate the people that have gone through it.  All people should be able to express their grief and should be encouraged to deal with that issue instead of push it away or ignore it.  I hope that everyone has the opportunity in their life to share their joys and pains with someone.  I hope that all of you have someone you can talk to or be with when you are dealing with difficult times, pregnancy related or not.  Take this day of remembrance and hold those close to you that have dealt with difficult times.  It can be embarrassing and confusing.  Give strength to those that need it in your life and don't be afraid to ask when you need a little back.

4 long/short years

My baby could be turning 4 today.  That just breaks my heart.  I want to badly to be able to hold him and just be with him.  I know that just isn't what was meant to be but I still struggle with it.  Did I do something so wrong that karma took away my ability to have kids?  I just hate to think that my kid could be trailing around behind me, learning things about the world and soaking in the love I know he would get.  I sometimes feel like its hard to miss something that you never really had but those thoughts were there, the life was there and the love was there.  I had my whole world planned and suddenly that ended.  How can I go on to have more children when I feel like that is the wrong thing to do?  How can I tell the difference between my gut feeling telling me what is right for me and my guilt chastising me for what has happened?
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make.  Who would our child be?  I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses?  My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families.  I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like?  Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have.  I want to know what that is like.  I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone.  I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow.  I want to know those things with all of my heart.  But... I know that just may not be what happens for me.  I may not get those experiences.  I might not ever be that person I thought I would be.  I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though.  I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this.  Maybe I can get through it all.