I'm not alone

I found this interesting article about a 'no baby boom' and how many people are electing to be childless.  I think it makes a lot of sense that people are choosing that route and not assuming life comes with love, marriage, children, retirement.  I like to see people are making their own choices and not following blind traditions. 

-I promise I will do some real blog posts very soon, I have just been taking some time for myself. 

A very interesting thought

I know my mom would do this for me in a second if I let her lol.

Thanks to CZ for this neat interview/article

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/w_ParentingResource/daughter-undergo-transplant-mothers-womb/story?id=13830608

Days on my Calendar

1st-  My work calendar starts over again and things get busy.
3rd-  The busiest day of my month.

4th-  I threw a middle school style girlie sleepover for one of my best best friends KA and invited my other best best friend CZ and the three of us had an absolute blast playing MASH and doing each other's hair.  (mine is below)

5th-  Book Club night, we read Snow Crash and had munchies, things got sort of crazy but ended on good notes I think.  Also KA's actual Bday.

6th-  My aunt and uncle took a week off starting this day so they could spend time with their kids who are now out of school.

7th-  Watched the Mavs kill it at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.

9th-  My fil's bday.  Watched the Mavs win again at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.

10th-  Dr visit, then burgers and yummy food at TB's grandparents' house with the whole family for my fil's bday, then saw one of our fave bands Night Train at The Dirty Rooster and rocked late into the night with lots of friends, CZ, RB, TL, TB, KA, DW, AB.  AB and I may have had a little too much fun that night.....

11th-  Bday BBQ with great food for our friend OC.  Had a good time hanging out.

12th-  Mavs took the championship, watched it at Austin Avenue with DW, RB, TL, TF, TB, and AB.

13th-  My littlest bro celebrated the 13th anniversary of his 8th bday, gave him some cash and a big hug.

In the wee hours of the 13th/14th my other brother went to the hospital with some kidney failure-scary.

14th-  TB and I were married 3 yrs ago this day.  Visited my bro CG in the hospital to see how he was doing.

15th-Bro was released from the hospital and told to rest.

16th-slept.

17th- Got a drink with our friends RB and TL.

18th-Went to The Improv for little bro AG's bday celebration.

19th-  Brats and potato salad with the fam for father's day.  My little cousin turned 8 for the 3rd time.

20th-Tried to relax.

Phew!  Thats a lot of stuff.  I'm tired from reading it.

Five Minute Friday-Home

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Home.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

I find myself slipping and calling my office home and my parents' house home as well as my own apartment.  When it comes out I immediately groan because I either work so much that I feel like I live at the office and call it my home or I am so used to living in the same house with the same dynamic for 16 years that I call my childhood home my home now.  Being a part owner of this business gives me a lot of pride and sense of ownership here so I guess its not that bad to spit out home by accident and my parents' place was my home for a huge part of my life and I have only lived on my own for five years and that isn't much compared to the time spent there.
When I call work or my parents' place home I get aggravated because they represent two things in my life that I want very badly to get past.  My family is a group of entrepreneurial people that like to work hard and long hours to make the business they started grow.  On the other side of that, we are all workaholics.  I always swore I would be the type of person that can put work aside while I am on vacation and not take the office home with me each night.  Calling work home just reminds me how hard that is.  Especially when the business does so much for me, I feel obligated to do my best to be flexible even in my off hours.
When I call my parents' house home it reminds me of the often unhealthy situations and family dynamic I grew up in.  Although I love my family very much and have lots of fun and happy memories with them, our day to day lives were a big struggle.  When I go to my actual home I feel sick and out of control because its probably not very clean and I usually curl up in bed tired.

When I'm in a good mood home makes me think of my cats and my husband.

Five Minute Friday-Backwards

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Backwards.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

My baby fears always make me feel like I'm falling backwards.  As soon as I feel like I am strong and moving past my insecurities something stupid happens that makes me feel like I am falling backwards.  My little cousin saying he wants me to babysit him makes me tear up, seeing photos of my friends' kids on facebook, meeting babies for the first time all make feel so out of control.  I had the pleasure of meeting my husband's cousin's kids and they are so cute and adorable, I just didn't know what to do.  Looking at them simultaneously makes my heart ache and swell.  I am so happy to have these kids in my life I just want to be sure I am not clouding that good fortune with my own stupid feelings.  I am finding that since my pain is a little less raw than before I am not sure how to really deal with it.  I don't burst into tears or avoid kids so when I see them I find myself feeling blue and going back to my old thoughts.  I start to question myself and if I"m doing things right.  I start to wonder if I am as strong as I thought I was.

MIA

I know I have been seriously neglecting my blog it has just been crazy in my life lately and I just didn't get to it.  The last REAL post that I put up was on the 6th.  Yikes.  I have some catch up posts to do then a run down of why I've been gone so long and some good news.  Because I'm a dork, they need to be seperate posts.  Enjoy.

Challenge End

Assess mental health, pick a new plan for the next 6 months and talk about timeline with my husband.

Step 11

Get a tattoo.

Still Crying

I watched the saddest thing ever on tv last night.  I am still tearing up this evening when I think about it.  More about it later this week.....

growth

I posted a link to my blog on my facebook to celebrate that my restrictions were lifted and I didn't even have a panic attack.  Also it came up in our Book Club meeting last night and I told EF about my problems briefly without breaking into a sweat or turning bright red or feeling completely ashamed of myself.  If nothing else, this last six months and challenge to myself have helped me there.  Before I didn't want to share this or talk to anyone about it other than a few close friends.  I have felt guilt and shame that kept me from expressing how I felt.  I still feel those things a lot of the time but it is getting less and less.  I don't always see a killer when I look in the mirror, sometimes I see a grieving mother and sometimes I just see me.  THAT is a huge step for me.  I've had a little success so far, thanks for being here with me while I've found it.

Thoughts for today

Goal:  8 mins walking, 2 mins sit ups

Excited to start doing a little something to make myself feel healthier.  One of the things about this recovery crap is that I feel very out of control, which is hard for me.  It is frustrating when there isn't a lot I can do to make myself feel better.  I feel like I am sort of stuck with what I have and that's a tough feeling.  Sooo.... even though I hate 'excercising' I am going to look at it as a positive since it was banned before.  When I have a little more flexibility with what/how long I can do stuff I think I'll be able to find more fun things to do and less 'working out.'  I just don't like the idea of setting time aside to lose weight or stay in shape, I like doing active things that I enjoy instead.  We'll work towards that.

I may not have the funds to get my tattoo by the end of the week like my schedule insists but I do plan to at least make the appointment by the end of the month so I can get it done very soon.  I need a little more tweaking to find exactly what I want too and I would never want to get anything that isn't just right.  I really liked some of MH's ideas from what her friends have done.  Specifically, the idea of having several items for children or other family members and having one a different color for the lost child.  I guess I'm just thinking less memorial and more keeping my baby with me sort of a thing.  I dunno, still needs some work.

I am trying to also decide what to do about the support group thing and I just haven't made time to look some more.  I just don't know what to do about that.

My challenge is coming to an end very quickly and I need to decide what my next plan is.  Obviously soon I need to have THE TALK with TB again about where we stand with kids and stuff since that is where this whole thing started and this whole thing was so I would be less of a freak when we talked about it next.  I'm sorta thinking a little time off, the talk, and then a new six month plan with a new goal.  Yea, maybe that will work.

-Damn I have a lot to think about/decide on/get finished.  I'm tired already.

Five Minute Friday-Every Day

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Every day.....


(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)


Every day I wait for more bad news.  Every day I wait to hear that my company is going under, my marriage is getting harder and my medical issues are getting worst.  I wait to hear that my friends and family are having difficulties.  I wait to learn that each day will be more difficult than the last one was.  If I am prepared for this then the hit hurts less and the aftermath easier to take care of.  When I prepare myself for every day I can plan my escape route and my next move.  I know how to save myself and how to help others.  When I prepare myself for what is coming every day I can catch myself off guard with what doesn't.  I can let myself enjoy the unexpected and appreciate it.  Every day I know I will be in pain, so when I am in less pain than yesterday its a nice surprise because I have prepared for the worst.  Each new client, nice gesture from my husband and good news from the Doc is a great new experience for me because I didn't see it coming.  I wouldn't say I am a pessimist, I prefer realist, I just like to be prepared for every thing every day.  I don't like feeling like things are out of control so if I am prepared for the worst scenario I can handle anything that actually happens.  Every day I prepare for battle, for hardship and disaster.  Most days, I am pleasantly surprised that things are better than I prepared for.

Free at last, free at last!!!!!

Its about damn time!!

Soooooo, I am officially off of restrictions.  Woo!  My doc has restricted that though.

I can start to exercise slowly I can start at 10 mins this week and add an additional 10 mins every week until I am at a work out that I am comfortable at.  I can start with things like walking, sit ups and push ups.  I am not supposed to do things like an elliptical machine or jogging (I don't jog anyways) until I get to 40 mins.  I can exercise up to 5 times a week until I hit an hour, then it goes to 3 times a week.  I have a current weight lifting restriction of 20 lbs, I can add 5 lbs to that every week also.  I am supposed to only push myself until it is uncomfortable and rush to the Dr's office if I ever feel cramp like pain or some other awful side effects.

The funniest part?  I am supposed to 'stretch my uterus.'  I am going into the office next week to figure out what the hell that means.  Most likely it includes an odd contraption, new pill or requires 800000 visits to see the doc.  So excited and complicated.  I think I'll celebrate, but how?

Doctor, let my muscles go!!!!

I have been waiting for a week for my doc to decide if he is going to release me of my restrictions and how slowly I can be released from them.
-Isn't telling me that I am off restrictions and then saying, but you have to do it slowly, sort of a restriction also?  Ugh!  Doctors.-

Getting antsy!!!  -I hate ants-

Review of this month

Reviewing this month is positive and negative.  I still have not found a support group that I like and I am just not sure I have the time and dedication to start one of my own.  I didn't receive any feedback from the post I wrote about what others would want to see in a support group either, so I'm just not sure other people out there want to talk about it.  I am continuing my search and trying to decide if I can really be the one who reaches out to start a group for others.
On the plus side of things though, the conversation with my husband went very well.  We talked a lot about our feelings and some of our plans and how we want to handle things.  Getting through to October when this portion of my recovery is over is the best thing we can do now.  We just need to look towards the future and do the hard work to get there.

I do have to say though, that 'THE TALK' thats coming at the end of June does not sound fun.