Back here again

I was thinking about my reflections for this month and I just pretty much have to say the same thing again.  I would like to blog more often and be sure to keep some uplifting things in there as well.  I did think of one other thing today though, what would I do with my blog if I did get pregnant?  What would I do in the future if I had a child?  I wouldn't be 'mother without child' anymore I would be mother with child. 
Then I fell down from realization.
That has to be the first time I had a rational thought about 'when I have kids' that I have had without flipping out from feeling grief, sad, scared or crazy.  It was kinda nice.  It made me think that I have come a ways from when I started.  I have to tell you that just a few months ago when I started this blog I was feeling like a complete wreck.  I was so completely out of my mind insane about the idea of me or anyone else having children and also not having children that I was practically crawling out of my own skin to get away from it.  These last couple of years have been hard because I have not felt like myself.  I have been questioning everything I do and say to see if I am what I want to be and where I want to be because of my loss.  This may seem odd to say but it scared me to not be happy with myself.  I have ALWAYS known who I was.  I have ALWAYS been the same person.  As I kid I was the exact person I am now just with less life experience and less cussing so to feel like I don't know who I am is a real struggle for me.  I feel like I am moving into a positive space now and have calmed down a lot of my crazy.  I have to say that so far, mwc blog is a success for me.  Woot!


-Oh and also, I didn't do anything to make up for not watching anyone's kids.  I could give the reasons why not but you've heard them before and they are still lame.  Feeling pretty unproductive with my challenge this month but I'll be back on track for April for sure.

Month 3 down-3 to go

Evaluate.

Sometimes I think they make this stuff up

I have to say that over these last few years my Dr has said some crazy stuff to me.  I was talking to my aunt LG about what was going on and we both just had to laugh when I tried to explain what they were doing.  Sometimes I wonder if I am on one of those hidden camera shows where they make you do stupid stuff for other people's enjoyment.  If you are watching my show, please stop.

Without explaining the context in which these sentences came you will laugh, but I have to tell you, the explanation of why he said some of this stuff isn't really any better.  Below are specific quotes from my Dr, I couldn't make these up if I tried.

• We are going to inflate your uterus and then scrub it out.  Its kinda like using a kitchen brush when you need to get into the corners of pots and pans while you do the dishes.
• Your uterus twitched and tore one of your fallopian tubes.
• Only half of your uterus is moving.
• We're looking for these pills to start a dance party on the inside.
• I'm going to give you a pill that gives you contractions all weekend.  You will essentially be in mild labor for three days.
• We are going to take sonogram photos of your scars to study them, say cheese.
• This shot will work the same way jumper cables work on a car battery.
• This new pain will be different from the previous pain, which is also different from the pain you will have when we're through.
• After your contractions subside you will feel menopause-like symptoms.
• You're gonna look like The Hulk if we do that.
• You need need three times as much estrogen in your body just to be even with most women.
• Once your uterus contracts back to its regular size you could lose 100 pounds.
• Your arthritis test was a problem, we need to look into this further.
• We will be giving you a shot directly in the uterus.

These are only a few things off the top of my head in the freak show that is my life.  Enjoy.

Voting is cool

I appreciate everyone who has voted on my polls so far, the votes have jumped from 1 to 9 so I'm excited.  You all overwhelmingly agree with the way I feel so far.  All of the votes are for the medical journal in order to help others who may go through the same thing and all the votes are against the court case for a law that I do not feel strongly about.  That is exactly how I feel, kinda nice to get a little reassurance I have to say.  I feel pretty crazy these days.

When I talked to my lawyers Thursday about the case we are working on I let my Doc know that I will be allowing him to write his paper about me and my innards and I also let the law guys know that I wanted them to start considering an alternative to a court case because I really didn't feel like I was up to it but I would like to help in some way if it is important.  I also asked for more information on this law they are trying to change so I can make sure I want to be a part of this before I jump in.  I do feel however, that if a case would truly benefit me the most I would go through with it.  I want those idiots to lose their licenses for what they did.

I have to say that telling them I 'wasn't up to' the case was pretty hard.  I am classically the one who wants to do for everyone else and not for myself and actually thinking that the personal stress and the already exhausted feeling I get from being in constant pain were enough and more stress and possible pain would just make things worst right now.  I am in the last year of my recovery time and I need to focus on myself.  Man, that's hard to say.

When they initially let me know that I was on a 26 month recovery plan they also let me know that my recovery was akin to that of a stroke, I had a set amount of time to do as much work as possible but that was pretty much it.  After 26 months I probably wouldn't progress anymore and wherever I land at that point was just about where I would stay.  So I have worked hard and listened to every crazy thing they have to say and seen all the drs, specialists and holistic healers they could recommend me to.  I got second, third and sometimes fourth opinions to make sure I was doing the right thing.  I have taken experimental drugs and taken part in medical trials and treatments.  I have changed my diet, my routine and my life.  Why push myself off track now to help some guys do something I'm not sure I agree with?  Well I won't.  So ha.

-Also, keep giving me your feedback.  I love the votes and love to hear how other people feel.

DAMN THESE HORMONES!!!!

I am currently taking hormones to help my healing process, apparently I have always had low estrogen and estrogen helps your uteran muscles stay healthy so pumping me full of hormones like a milking cow seems like the right idea.  I have been on them for a while now, a couple of years aaaaaa

....ahem I'm sorry guys, our cute redheaded locksmith just walked in to talk to me and I got a little distracted.  Let me get back on track.....ok I think I'm good.

I have been taking these hormones for a couple of years actually and although I have definitely evened out since I first started taking them, I can see a marked difference from my emotions now and a few years ago.

The famous story about the first week I started them was when TB made a joke one night about taking my blanket from me and I burst into tears.  He just looked at me wide eyed and stuttered that he didn't know what was going on.

I guess you also have to know, if you don't know me in person, that I am not a very emotional person.  I don't really get mushy or sad or romantic or hurt that easily.  And I rarely cry.  My emotions pretty much range from silly, excited, happy, tired, melancholy, angry and really really pissed.  I'm a simple girl.

-Man, I am full of interruptions today.  Can you tell I am scattered today?

Well.... what this whole post was supposed to be about.....
I have gotten a couple of really nice messages from friends, acquaintances and even one or two from strangers about how much they have liked reading my blog and how they hope I do well and that they are struggling themselves and like to know other people are going through things too.  One theme I seem to get from everyone though, is that I am brave.  Brave.  Ok even typing that makes me get a little glassy eyed.  After these last years of feeling anything but brave, hearing that other people think that about me makes my eyes tear up just a little.  Ugh vomit.  I do not like crying.  But I do like the people who say nice things to me so I guess I'll just blame it on the hormones.  And in case you didn't know, everyone who deals with reproduction trouble and doesn't go on a killing spree is brave as well.  =)

Its worth noting, I think, that I am taking 4 times the generally prescribed amount just to get me to one level higher than most women.  So three of those pills are just to get me to catch up with everyone else.  The last one puts me just ahead.  Ugh vomit some more.

Oh, and you know those SPCA commercials with that awful Sarah McLaughlin song?  Those make me cry too.  TB actually changes the channel when they come on because I sob and try to convince him to go to the shelter and rescue all of the animals.  Yea.  I hate those hormones.

Quick update on my status

Just got a call from the good Doc and seems things are going fairly well.  I went in yesterday for FOUR hours of tests to see if this thing worked over the weekend and it turns out that 55% of my muscles were moving and the other 45% were not.  I got a HUGE and painful steroid shot directly in my uterus to see if that would help and was ordered to go home and rest.  A nice idea but I had 'rested' all weekend and had work to do.
Today I went and had more biopsies and sonograms and tests and he just called me to say that 70% of my muscles were moving.  We decided to give it a week to see what happens and then make a decision on Monday what to do if the moving muscles are not contagious.  -Personally I'm hoping for a dance party in there cause not only will I heal faster but I will lose a substantial part of my belly.  That's right, I'm not just fat, I'm fat and sick.  A large portion of my belly that protrudes, and does make me look sorta pregnant, will be gone soon.  WOO! 

So we'll just wait and see, story of my damn life.

In another update note, I also got x rays of my spine and specifically of my lumbar yesterday so maybe I'll have an answer to this leg pain/possible nerve damage issue.

The dog ate my homework again?

This is a continuing theme from http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-questions-my-dog-ate-them.html  although I suppose I cannot say that the non-existent dog ate someone's children.  That's just wrong.  What happened?  Well life happened, and I also chickened out.  As I have told you, I had a procedure on Friday that lasted the weekend.  I also had a painful steroid shot yesterday and still feel crappy.  I had steroid treatments and giant horse pills the weeks leading up the procedure and took on the tasks of deep cleaning my house and helping my lovely MIL AB pack and clean in order to move this last weekend.

So I've been stressed, feeling badly and overwhelmed.  Also, I chickened out.  I decided that asking someone if I could babysit their kids so I could get over my mental insecurities just sounded too weird to say out loud to people who would be trusting their offspring to me.  Yea.  So I didn't do it.  I will however, find an equally important task to complete by the end of this month and my evaluation.  Oops.

If you have any suggestions please let me know cause as of this moment I am blank.  Thanks guys.

Step 6

Babysit someone's kid or kids.

Its here.

So today I have another medical trial where I take the experimental drugs they give me and have contractions all weekend.  I cannot be alone for more than a moment because they are so strong and dangerous and you know, experimental.  If something does happen to me and I go to the ER I'm supposed to call my Dr right away because the EMTs won't even know what I have taken or what is going on.  Wow.  Mwc guinea pig.  So I am incredibly nervous and I want things to go well the first time.  Did I mention that there might be a second round on Monday?  No?  Oh well, there might be a second round on Monday.  If this doesn't work the first time I have to get another pill (that is not in the trial and I have to pay an exorbanent amount for) and do it all over again.  Yea, nervous.  I will be in intense pain every few minutes until Sunday night and I can't have anything other than ibuprofen for it.  I will also be exhausted and irritated most of the rest of the time simply because I am essentially going through labor and not getting a child at the end of the weekend.  FOR THE SECOND TIME.  Yea, I have done this once before so I know whats coming.  I also have to take my temperature every 2 hours which makes sleeping very difficult.  We have to set an alarm to go off every 2 hours and my insomnia does not like that.  I wake up for 3 minutes to take my temp, write it down, then cannot sleep for another hour, wake back up very soon and it just keeps going. 

I have to say though that this really reminds me that I have to be the luckiest lady ever because I have such great support.  My mom SG is coming over Sat morning to sit with me and babysit while TB helps his mom move into her new place.  Then KA is coming over in the afternoon to relieve her and the wonderful CZ will be there in the evening.  CZ will be back on Sunday while TB has an appointment and my grandparents LG and RGS will be there too.  HB is bringing me her amazing curry caserole that I cannot wait for and RBL is bringing dinner over as well.  I am so grateful to have such a wonderful team of people around me.  JBU has already called to try and keep me calm and I know that LG bought new candles to light for me.  My dad RG will be crossing his fingers with everybody else.  LG and SG mentioned they might bring some food too and SG said she plans on bringing posters to color and markers and apparently CZ has a 'bag of random fun' lol.  I have to be the luckiest lady alive.
I hope I deserve all the great people in my life because they certainly deserve someone awesome.  And my sweet husband TB has had such a hard time dealing with all of this but he still managed to stay in on St Patrick's Day while I was at the hockey game to clean the house, wash the sheets and get things ready for today.  He is also depositing our checks and grocery shopping today before my trial and making some food so my babysitters and I have plenty while he isn't there.  It has been hard seeing him so upset and I really want this to work for him almost more than for myself.

So here goes nothing, the countdown has started and at 3p this afternoon I will be with my doc (that flew in from TN btw) getting the run down of my possible side effects.  Monday I will get tests and biopsies and sonograms and x rays and they will figure out if it worked so keep all of your fingers crossed this weekend.  I'll need them. 
Oh why x rays you ask?  Didn't I tell you?  My doc also thinks there is something wrong with my spine so they are doing x rays to figure out if I have some nerve damage on Monday.  Yay.

If I close my eyes, maybe it won't see me

So... I'm feeling very nervous about Friday so instead of dealing with it head on I am pretending it isn't happening and focusing on the fact that I get to go to the Blackhawks v Stars game tonight with my awesome dad that invited me.  He got tickets from his mom for his bday and is taking me with yay.  I love love love hockey and get extra excited to go to an actual Stars game because they are such a blast.  It is also a ton of fun because my dad is from Chicago and loves the Blackhawks so its fun to tease him since they always seem to lose when we go together.  Since I am a Stars fan first I cheer for them but Hawks come in second for me so no matter how the game turns out it is always fun.  Hockey games are really the only thing him and I do together so its a nice treat when we do it.  Plus he didn't take his mom who gave him the tickets, his wife or father, or either of his sons, he wants to take me and it makes me feel good.  -Seeking my father's approval because I never got it as a child you say?  No no couldn't be.

We have never had the traditional father-daughter relationship, we haven't really gotten along most of our lives and most of our interactions when I lived at home were screaming fights.  You could say I inherited his explosive anger.  I have to say though, I am amazed how good things are between us now.  He drank heavily for a long time and being the oldest child and my father's daughter I felt the need to protect the rest of the family so I jumped in the middle of my parents' fights and constantly challenged him in every way possible.  I spent a lot of time being angry at the the things he did and said.  He stopped drinking and started an AA program about a month before I moved out, I haven't really lived with him sober and I think that is why it took me much longer than the others to come around once he was.  He said something to me however, after I moved out that will forever stick in my head and something I will always cherish especially because I am finding that it is rare.  He told me that he knew I was angry and he did a lot of hurt me and our family and that he wanted us to have a good relationship and knew it would take giving me some space to work on my anger over everything.  He told me to take as long as I needed and not to feel forced into a happy relationship that wasn't there yet and that he would be there for me when I was ready to let him in again.  The fact that he recognized what I was going through and wanted to give me the time and space to work it out means the absolute world to me.  And you know, that is exactly what happened.  He did not force hugs, conversations or family gatherings and let me deal with things and move back into our relationship slowly.  I have to say now that he and I still clash and think very differently so we fight sometimes and I really don't think I could ever live with him again but our relationship is pretty great.  We talk and laugh and joke around when we see each other, we have a special silly kind of humor that has always been a part of our interactions.  We talk about sports and watched the Stanley Cup Championship games together.  (The championship games were about the time he started calling me his 3rd son since I am the only kid who wants to watch sports with him.  I keep telling him since I am the oldest I am the 1st son, which inevitably makes my mom yell from the other room that I am her only daughter and he can"t take that away so don't call me a son.  lol)  I am truly grateful for the gift he gave me when he gave me the time to move past his indiscretions as well as my own.

-Speaking of hockey, he just text me to trash talk about the game tonight lol-

I really love my dad and am so excited for tonight and overall excited that things seem to get better and better between us.

Where did this begin?

I was thinking the other day about how much I have enjoyed putting my feelings out there with this blog and was remembering some of the reasons I started it.  The biggest reason was really to train my brain and get it in good shape for when we want to try for kids in a while but there were other small reasons.  And the tipping point, the reason that really made me decide yes let's do it, its a pretty dumb reason but I thought I would reflect.  I was watching Friends last night and Ross was trying to convince Chandler to get on their alumni web page and chat and he says, "Great, a faster way to tell people I am unemployed and childless."  It may be stupid but that comment is really what made me think, you know, this is a good idea just do it mwc.  I know it is a tv show but if you look at tv there are a lot of characters that seem to have reproductive issues, you may say its more dramatic and that we have moved away from the Leave it to Beaver type of family on tv but I really think that it has a lot to do with art imitating life.  I think this is more prominent on tv because people are having more trouble in life.  Think about it and name some characters that have had trouble, there are quite a few.

Cross all of your fingers for me

Everyone cross all your fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes and everything else you can think of that my medical trial goes well on Friday.  If it doesn't I have to do it again immediately and 6 days of contractions does not sound like something I want to do.  Thanks.

Getting Nervous

Getting pretty nervous about my med trial on Friday.  Not looking forward to the 3 days of contractions and terrible I went through last time.

I am however, excited about seeing the Stars vs the Blackhawks with my awesome dad on Thursday!  Woo Go Stars!

Did I get my wish?

This week I have been sick with a terrible sinus infection that left me feeling just awful and I spent part of Tuesday and all of Wednesday home sick from work.  While I was home my sweet cats curled up with me and loved on me trying to make me feel better.  The smallest one, Persephone, was actually very angry that I got up and went to work today.
At one point on Wednesday Seph curled up on my chest and fell asleep so sweetly that I spent 20 minutes just looking at how cute she was.  (yes, I AM one of those people obsessed with her cats)  While she was asleep I started to think a very odd thought, what if I already got my wish?  What if I already have a baby?  What if I found my daughter and she's just not a human?  I'm either very crazy or pretty brilliant because this thought gave me some comfort.  What if I don't have to worry about getting a baby because I already have one?  What if a human baby would just be a great bonus?  Yup, sounds crazy to me too but it helps.

My cat Persephone possesses many traits and qualities from my husband and I and acts a lot like us, sometimes I imagine if I had a rowdy little girl she would be just like Seph is.  So, if she has our traits, loves us and we love her, we take care of her and bring each other joy, don't I already have a daughter?  She is one of those cats that never seems to leave the kitten stage so she still very much acts like a baby would.  She wakes me up in the morning when she wants attention and can tell when I don't feel well.  When TB tells the cat (yes, TELLS the cat) "You must have learned that from your mother,"  it makes me kinda happy and always makes me laugh.  When I see her sleeping the same way I do or telling on one of her siblings I wonder if I already have three great furry children and if maybe this isn't just how its supposed to be. 

Maybe fate doesn't have a baby in store for me, but maybe screw fate cause I already have one.

My questions? My dog ate them?

So I'm pretty bad and I'm almost behind on my challenge again.  I will do my best to finish my questions for TB tonight and stay on deadline but it is hard!!  I still have to finish cleaning my house, budget for the next week, make dinner and rest so I can get over the end of my massive sinus infection.  Ugh.
I've been sick so I feel less guilty than I should cause that's not a good excuse.  I need to get going and finish them tonight.

-It doesn't help that cleaning my craft room has uncovered 200000000000000 projects that I want to/need to work on and finish.  Oh man. 

Step 5

Make a list of questions for my husband.

Good news you say?

So, now that I have come to terms with the fact that the doctor has good news for me, I can finally talk about what it is.  Well as you know, I had to have a small surgery last week to fix one of my tubes.
......

Looking back to double check that I had shared that incident with my blog, it seems I haven't.  Here's a quick overview of what has happened.

I had to have mini surgery last Wednesday because one of my fallopian tubes was bleeding.  It wasn't punctured, which is good, but one of my scars ripped open and it was bleeding some.  My doc flew in from Tenn. to do the quick surgery and perform 80,000 tests to see what happened and why.  He told me that if they could not figure out why it started to bleed I could not to the medical trial I am scheduled for later this month.  That would suck because then they would have only 3 months to come up with a WHOLE NEW TRIAL IDEA and test it out and get it to work on me.  (if you are confused, my doctors told me in Dec that I had 6 months before my muscles started to atrophy and quit moving forever, causing me then to have a hysterectomy)  So we were anxious to know what was going on.  The surgery was easy, I did it before work one day and he said it was the same thing as putting a camera in your stomach to burn an ulcer closed, mine just wasn't an ulcer.

Ok, let's try this again. 
So I got good news, it turns out that my tube started to bleed last week because my muscles are trying to move!!!!  So they are finally doing what we want them to do.  Sort of.  It seems that the scar was torn because my muscles were twitching instead of contracting like we want.

Yes yes, my uterus was twitching.  I heard it, I know its crazy but it is unfortunately true.

We figured out why I started to bleed and I can continue with my trial this month.  Yay!  -wait, did I just cheer because I get to have 3 days worth of pain and suffering?  Wow, I need to get this medical stuff over with I am getting crazy guys.

I'm sorry, I am not familar with that term...

Ggg go gooo gooo d gooo d good news?  Excuse me Doc, I seem to be hallucinating.  Its bad news right?  Something crazy that has never been seen before has happened again right?  No?  No?  You have gooood news for me?  You mean bad right?  NO?  No its good news you say?  Hmm... I'm not really sure what to say to that.  It seems I am unable to process that right now, just write it down and I'll deal with it later.

Interogation tactics

Each month when I evaluate I tell myself I want to blog a little more and get a little more out but each day when I decide to sit down and do it three new projects fall in my lap.  Seeing that I don't have a computer at home I have to find time during my work hours to blog and there just isn't a lot of wiggle room there.  So again, its been 4-5 days with no posts and I can't seem to remember what I wanted to say yesterday, today so then I just lose patience.


Enough of that.

My next challenge goal is to make a list of questions for my husband by the 10th, which is a week from today.  Because I think my TB deserves a little privacy I don't think I will list my questions on this blog.  I think I will make a regular paper list and just use that for our discussion.  Some of our questions will probably be personal and I think he may not want all of that broadcasted, especially since he doesn't read this and has a wild imagination and who knows what he'll think I put up if he knows I put SOMETHING up here.  Gotta love my husband but he sure is crazy.  I have been thinking a lot about the best way to discuss our questions for each other when we get to that point though, I think I may express that part here.  Should one person get it all out?  Should we match up similar questions and address those together at once?  Should we switch off and each throw out one question then answer another?  Would it be best to treat this as a conversation or a q & a?  What would work for us?  Difficult stuff if I over think and over analyze it into a million damn pieces and stress myself about what we are doing and why and what it will accomplish.

And on that subject, loving my husband that is, things seem to be going pretty well lately.  Since being required to hold my hand any time I was standing, walking or moving when the ice storm hit us, he has enjoyed holding my hand since the temp rose.  He holds my hand to the car each night after we lock up the office and gives me a big grin and tells me, 'You know, I like holding your hand when you're not threatening to fall down.'  I'm telling you word for word he says that every day and I can even tell you which sidewalk square he grabs my hand at and which one he turns to me to say that on as well.  He is definitely predictable.  But its really sweet.  Sometimes I think he forgets marriage can be fun and not all hard terrible awful work and sacrifice.  So we've been working on being nicer to one another and it has been good.
I'm sure it seems odd to TRY to be nice to your significant other but once you are together for years, live together, and/or get married, sometimes you take it for granted and get too comfortable.  Making an effort to be nice makes things a little easier when life is not nice.  It has also helped immensely that we are on similar schedules now and we get to see each other a lot so there is not guilt or requirement on our choices about our time.  Learning to be your own person but take in account that your life directly affects someone's else CONSTANTLY can be hard.  Seeing a pin hole of light at the end of my LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG medical tunnel we've been going through is helpful as well.  I seem to be getting better overall (even if it minute and oh so slow) less shots, less meds and less pain is helping us both.

I guess I'm feeling pretty positive today.