Back here again

I was thinking about my reflections for this month and I just pretty much have to say the same thing again.  I would like to blog more often and be sure to keep some uplifting things in there as well.  I did think of one other thing today though, what would I do with my blog if I did get pregnant?  What would I do in the future if I had a child?  I wouldn't be 'mother without child' anymore I would be mother with child. 
Then I fell down from realization.
That has to be the first time I had a rational thought about 'when I have kids' that I have had without flipping out from feeling grief, sad, scared or crazy.  It was kinda nice.  It made me think that I have come a ways from when I started.  I have to tell you that just a few months ago when I started this blog I was feeling like a complete wreck.  I was so completely out of my mind insane about the idea of me or anyone else having children and also not having children that I was practically crawling out of my own skin to get away from it.  These last couple of years have been hard because I have not felt like myself.  I have been questioning everything I do and say to see if I am what I want to be and where I want to be because of my loss.  This may seem odd to say but it scared me to not be happy with myself.  I have ALWAYS known who I was.  I have ALWAYS been the same person.  As I kid I was the exact person I am now just with less life experience and less cussing so to feel like I don't know who I am is a real struggle for me.  I feel like I am moving into a positive space now and have calmed down a lot of my crazy.  I have to say that so far, mwc blog is a success for me.  Woot!


-Oh and also, I didn't do anything to make up for not watching anyone's kids.  I could give the reasons why not but you've heard them before and they are still lame.  Feeling pretty unproductive with my challenge this month but I'll be back on track for April for sure.