Everybody but me

Cheers to one of my best friends JB (or I suppose JU now) on her newly minted nuptials.  Congrats darlin, glad to see you so happy.  =)


This made me think about something I mentioned to a dif friend last week.  Everyone I know is married, in a relationship, having kids, working, and generally being happy.  All my friends are happy but me.  I'm the only one left behind now.  I wonder now if that is my fault, am I REFUSING to be happy?  Things could be worst, they HAVE been worst actually.  Maybe I'm stopping myself.  And if I am, then why?  Why would I stop myself?  I don't know how to accept calm and happy?  I don't think I deserve happy?  What is the answer?

Guilty as Charged

So I did something slightly horrendous this past weekend.  It was of course Thanksgiving so we made the rounds to the family members and food and had a good time getting together with everyone.  Everything was great until we started watching football.  Two things you may not know?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE football and usually yell and throw things during the course of the game.  And I cuss all the time.  Constantly.  A friend once told me I could make a sailor blush.  So I'm watching the Cowboys play (play well for a change)  and out comes the f bomb in the crowded living room.  TB's Aunt AS chided me and I immediately felt awful.  His family is really nice and sweet and quiet and I am cussing at the game on TV.  Fail liz, Fail!
What is worst than that?  I did it again later!!  TB's grandfather was saying something to me and I was still worked up from the game and another fuck fell right out of my mouth.  RIGHT TO HIM!!!!   I don't get embarrassed very often but I have to tell you that I was completely mortified!! ugh. 

Well the point to this is that it made me think about my own baby guilt and it has been something I have been trying to work up to for a while now.  So this week, I'm gonna write about it.  Get fucking ready.

Sick and Tired, staying Strong

In slightly less pain today but feeling more sick.  Thats right, I am sick and in pain for Thanksgiving.  A Thanksgiving that encompasses 5, YES 5, dinners with 5 different parts of our families throughout a week.  At least this year they are spread out, the first few years together were spent trecking to 4 locations in one day.  Ugh. 

Parents and grandparents, show some mercy to your children and grandchildren and don't expect them to be present for every second of every holiday when they are living on their own and dating/engaged/married to someone who's family also expects them to be there.

Children and grandchildren, stand your ground and do what it takes not to be exhausted this season.  If you have to tell grandma you don't want seconds because you just ate at someone else house an hour ago, she'll just have to deal with it.  If dad is mad because you left early then too bad.  And if, god forbid, you have to rotate holidays and not see some family members for Thanksgiving, reassure them you will be there for xmas if they don't pout. 

Oh, and don't turn into these guilt-giving family members that everyone seems to have.  Thanks.

Just kill me already

Feeling sick this week and in so much pain I just want to die.  My uterus is throbbing and the radiating pain shoots through my arms, legs and torso.  I ache everywhere from my shoulders to my knees.  Ugh.  Maybe the doc is right and I should move up my procedure.  The money it would cost me to do it in December however, is a big problem.  Ugh.  I hate everything.

Scariest conversation of my life

So my husband, TB, and I had the baby talk 2 nights ago and I'm pretty sure I almost died.  It was without question the scariest conversation of my life and that includes all Dr convos, and the conversation I had with my parents on Wednesday at work on my lunch break.  gross.

For some reason I asked TB how he felt about our future family planning and he gave me 2 very different answers, both of which scared me to death.  Then I told him how I felt and that scared me also.  Ugh, cannot win.

 My recovery will end in 14 months. That puts us around January 2012 which would be 8 years together total and 3 1/2 years married.  So I asked him what his thoughts were about the end of my recovery in respect to thinking about a family. Dialogue is probably the best way to describe this.

mwc-So what do you think?
tb-Probably about 2 years.
mwc-2 years?  From now?
tb-Yea about 2 years from now is a good time to start trying.  Your recovery is over in 14 months and we should wait another 6 just to be sure.  So about 2 years.
mwc-That's 20 months, less than 2 years. Oh my god.  That really scares me.

Scary.  Children in the next 3 years that are mine?  Scary.
But also kinda cool.  I could have children in the next 3 years that are mine.
Wow.  Ok just breathe. Scary. Awesome. Scary. Awesome.  Wow, so scary.

I told him that if that is his thinking I could be ok with that I just need to do a lot of work on myself before then because I am nowhere near ready for that because I am still petrified that losing our baby was all my fault and I'll just do it again and I am not ready to deal with that.  But I need to.  Ugh.  Back to scary.
I proceeded to cry and tell him all about how scared I am (I'll get into specifics in another post its long) but that was a good plan and I would do the work to be ready and if I wasn't there we would just wait.
Then he felt awful cause I cried, even though I tried to explain he did nothing wrong its all me and my 'emotions' and these stupid hormones, so I asked him if that was honestly how he felt.  (he is notorious for saying what he thinks I want to hear and not telling me the truth)
So we started the talk ALL over again. 
tb-Hypothetically when do you want to have kids?
mwc-Well I always thought I'd have my kids young and close together.  I would think 3 to 4 years of marriage would be nice and then think about trying. 
tb-So...
mwc-Oh my god, that's now isn't it? Holy shit it is.
tb-Well yea that would probably be something we would be thinking about.
mwc-I change my mind that is too scary.
tb-It was supposed to be hypothetical.
mwc-Hypothetically it scares me to death and I am no longer alive.
tb-Ok let's start over.
mwc-Ugh. No I'll behave.  What are your honest thoughts?
tb-how about 4 years?
mwc- When I'm 30?
tb- You wouldn't be 30.
mwc-I will be 29 in 4 years and it takes nearly a year to cook the baby so I'd be 30.
tb-Yea I guess you'd be 30. Did you say cook the baby?
mwc-You know like a bun in the oven? 
tb-Ok.....
mwc-Sorry. Waiting til I'm 30 scares me.
tb-You're scared again?
mwc-I know I'm sorry I'm all over the place.
tb-Its ok.
mwc-Once you hit 34 it becomes more dangerous to have children and who knows how long it would take to conceive?  There are already enough negative factors.  Plus I always wanted a big family.  30 to 34 is a small window, especially if I want 3 or 4 children.
tb-True.
mwc-But, I don't want to feel rushed.  I want to make the right decision.
tb-Ok....

So where did we land?  Soon scares me.  Waiting scares me.  Feeling rushed scares me.  Waiting too long scares me.  I'm an emotional wreck.  My husband is pretty great.  I am going to spend a year working on myself and what scares me about having kids.  He is going to spend a year working on being more mature.  We will talk about this again when my recovery is over.
So no progress.
Be mindful that this conversation was only about natural conception, we didn't even get into adoption, fertility treatments, or any of the other trillion options we have to think about.

Scared to death.

I've been telling you I'm crazy......

So last night I think I finally convinced my husband how crazy I am about our cats.  The conversation left him moping and sad but I think he got it.  I've been telling him for years now that the cats are keeping me sane and I've turned a little fanatical about them as my strange way of coping but he hasn't listened or understood or something because he just got it last night.  hm....


Quick shout out to my friend BAM who is sad and in pain but is able to get the problem fixed soon =)
Get well soon!

Feel it coming in the air at night

I can feel the air get colder, I can feel my breath catch, I can feel that overwhelming sadness coming to wrap its shadowy arms around me and pull me silently backwards.  I can feel that scream caught in my throat and feel the eyes on my back.  I can feel that guilt, the envy, the sadness and the overwhelming desire to stop breathing.  I feel it coming.  Its coming for me and I cannot stop it.

Xmas Carols make me HOMICIDAL

That's right guys, I said xmas carols make me homicidal.  As in, they make me want to kill people.  All people near me or said carols. 
It is the 15th of November today and although I am aware that the holidays insist on coming soon and it is getting chillier outside I am NOT ready for xmas carols.  ugh.  I can deal with crowded grocery stores, traveling and the long and expensive list of gifts I want to get for people because those are all things I inflict on myself for one reason or another.  Carols however, I cannot stand.
What did I hear when I came into work this morning (while groggy and not feeling well, I add)  freaking xmas carols!  So I ask, 'What is that noise, are those xmas songs I hear already?, with my nose crinkled and my face frowning.  Our office assistant says, 'Yes,' and I tell her, 'Please listen to them quietly because they make me angry.'  She looks at me with big wide eyes and says, 'But, I love them.'  ugh.  So I'm a scrooge and she hates me. 
Luckily most of the day I don't hear them but when no one is printing and I'm not on the phone, fa la la la la drifts into my cubicle/office thing where my desk is and my blood boils.  I sit and try not to make a big deal out of it and be a grouch but OH MY FREAKING GOD they drive me crazy.

Tis the freaking season I guess.....

Update

Still in pain.  Still screwed.  That is all thanks.

Starting to feel a lot like Frankenstein

My uteran pain is terrible today, doesn't help that today was stressful so my teeth and all my muscles are clenched.  I have this radiating paid from beneath my stomach that shoots into my legs and spreads across my thighs so as I sit at my desk all day long I feel alternately numb and intense pain through them.  By about 2 o'clock on these days I want to chop my legs off to lessen the pain.  But thats not generally the best solution.  The doc tells me its just because everything is pushing against each other because my uterus is still too large so there's pain.  This is different somehow from when I had pain because an infection was attacking my tubes and uterus and also different from the pain I will feel when my uterus starts to contract and shrink.  So basically I'm screwed.

My legs are stiff, my arms ache, I randomly sigh, grunt or yell.  I think these hard knots in my neck are the bolts growing in.

November

I had this theory a couple years ago and after 4 straight years in a row that prove it I think it has become a fact.  When November 1st hits every single year things instantly get craaaazy and they stay that way until February 28th/29th.  March 1st brings me some peace.  on 11/1 my work instantly gets more difficult, less people pay, more people move, we deal with more and more stupid stories about why the rent is late.  Most people seem to get exponentially grumpier and stay that way until lovely 3/1 comes along.  My boss, who is also my grandmother, seems to take this sickness on in heaps.  Though, I admit that as soon as Halloween is over I am grumpy until its warm.  Not because I don't like cool weather, it just seems to go that way.  When I start planning Thanksgiving and winter holidays I feel scrooge-y and alternately happy.  Annoying emotions.  Christmas carols make me homocidal.  We have to clear out files at work and that always lasts from December through January and sometimes beyond.  I have to deal with 1099's, tax forms and all the other end of the year accounting crap that sucks.  I go between blowing everyone off to being upset we can't see everyone and back again.  I feel guilty cause I can't buy all the people I want to all the things I want to get them but then get upset when someone EXPECTS me to spend a certain amount.  Nov-Feb is expensive and a huge hassle all the way around.  It doesn't help that Texas weather is crazy and on xmas eve you have to pick out 2 outfits to wear the next day, one you wore to the beach in August and one that covers every inch of your skin in 8 layers of fleece.  Everything metal, and some things plastic, at my office begin shocking me any time I not only touch them but walk near them. 
It is just crazy around here lately.

Will it never end?

So I heard from the doctor today and pending tests in December and January it looks like I am definitely going to have to be 'induced'  again in March.  Ugh.  NOT looking forward to that feeling.  I had this done in September and basically I will be part of another experimental treatment in a long line of what-new-and-strange-thing-can-we-try-now.  Last time they gave me what equates to a triple dose of Pitocin in a shot and pill form that will make my uterus have contractions for 2 1/2 days every hour or so and put me in miserable pain.  It should be illegal to put a person through labor and not give them a baby after its done!
Last time we decided to do this they told me I couldn't be left alone and I had to take my temperature every 2 hours and I had to be lucid and carefully watched to make sure I don't rupture anything.  Not fun!  Luckily I have a lot of support and other than the pain, the awful awful pain, and the terrible flash back memories of my miscarriage it wasn't that bad.  At least its better than the time they shot medicine directly into my uterus after they INFLATED it, yes inflated it, and I had to lay on my back for 5 days.  I did that twice.  Sounds crazy to you?  Its a freaking circus.

Wicked

I was reading Wicked this weekend and it brought back a memory from a couple years ago.  My husband (then fiance) and I went to go see the musical Wicked because his lovely Aunt MN gave us her tickets when she could not go.  It was a really great musical and we both really enjoyed it.  But the most vivid part of that memory is feeling like a family with my belly protruding and smiles on our faces.
When I found out I was pregnant I was really nervous to tell anyone, not for the usual reasons young unmarried couples are nervous however, we have very supportive families and friends.  I was nervous because I felt from the beginning that something wasn't right and I just didn't want to tell everyone.  I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to go wrong.  So at the time of the Wicked excursion we weren't telling people yet.  When we went though, I ended up wearing a shirt that was kind of tight across my stomach and my cute belly stuck out in that round, high, obviously pregnant way and it was a nice feeling.  We didn't hide it, we felt like we could relax a little.  Some stranger even commented on how happy we looked to be expecting.  It was a nice feeling. 
We ended up losing the baby just a couple weeks after we started telling people so that happy feeling was a rare moment I remember fondly.  I really did enjoy the feeling of being pregnant.  =(

Fun Fun Evenings with no babies and no babysitters

My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago but his present is dinner and a local hockey game with my parents, my husband and me.  We are going to a delicious place called Village Burger Bar in Watters Creek and after that we are going to see the Allen Americans minor league team play.  I have to say that I grew up watching hockey with my dad, who is the biggest Blackhawks fan, and we went to watch the Hawks and Stars play for years.  I guess I'm just a little hockey-snobby because when I went to see this team play for the first time last year I laughed.  I have never seen so many hockey players laying on the ice.  They fell down CONSTANTLY.  lol  They must have been good or had a tiny division because they made it to the playoffs last year.  Either way I'm excited and its gonna be fun.  After the game I am driving to Waco with my friend CZ to see our other friend BAM for the weekend.  I feel slightly bad that I am leaving for the whole weekend one of the first times my husband is home on the weekend since he changed jobs but I'm sure that won't last.  =)  We'll get used to that. 

So since I'm in a pretty positive mood today I was thinking.  I can do all these things fairly easily because I have no children to think about and no babysitter to coordinate.  I can buy tickets with no idea if someone else can watch the kids and leave for the weekend without possible tears from babies.  I get a nice evening and a fun weekend.  Add this to the list of things I can do since I don't have any children.  =)

Memories

My husband did a nice favor yesterday and drove my grandmother to her doctor's appointment since it was rainy here.  He had to take her to the hospital where her Dr practices and drop her off.  Unknowingly he had to go to the same hospital where we found out I was losing the baby.  Now TB does not like to talk about what happened and gets very upset when I say something even close to the subject so you can imagine how surprised I was when at around 11 last night he says he hopes he doesn't have to take her back to the hospital any time soon because it made him really sad.  We haven't been there since our visit with our Dr, we thought we were going to hear the heartbeat and see a sonogram for the first time and instead we found a lifeless body on the screen and silence.  I can remember sitting in the parking lot crying and calling my mom.  She is the most maternal person I know and was soooo happy to hear I was pregnant and although I know she was very sad she was so supportive when we told her what happened.  We drove to my parents' house after the Dr and we cried and hugged and talked, I'm very lucky to have them.  I don't remember all of that evening but I do remember waking in the night to miscarry, that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
My poor husband was sad all day after visiting the site of our disappointment.  Its the little things.

Please god bring back september

It is November.  I do not like November.  Work gets longer, harder and more stressful.  Texas won't decide if its summer, spring, fall or winter.  And then there are the holidays.  I love the idea that I get to see people who I don't necessarily see all year long and I love seeing the looks on people's faces when I give them something special but the holidays are stressful.  And this year seems to loom just a little higher than the others.  Babies.  Christmas cards, gifts, photos, and gatherings thrust other people's children in my face.  I have known this was coming and had hoped I would find myself in a better place when this month began but, unfortunately I'm not.  So I will brace myself for the inevitable.  Wish me luck.

Freaking Lifetime

I had a blast at our annual Halloween party on Saturday night and stayed up super late chatting with old friends so Sunday I laid around and watched TV.  During commercials of the epic fail that is the Dallas Cowboys this season I was watching Hush Little Baby on Lifetime.  I don't know if you watch Lifetime movies but they are crazy and a big joke in my family.  They are always about murder or sex or cancer or some strange mystery or mistresses or stalkers or just something crazy.  Many are terrible (Mother, may I sleep with danger?  -actual title) but a lot are not bad, especially the newer ones.  The annoying part is that they suck you in and then you can't stop watching them cause they make no sense.  Yesterday my husband actually told me to stop flipping back to one of the football games so we could finish the end of a particularly crazy movie.  Like I said, they suck you in.
So this movie yesterday is about a mother who's child died when she was very young.  Its starts as she is pregnant with the second baby a while after the death of the first.  Well, after she has the second baby she ends up with postpartum depression which escalates to psychosis which is centered around the idea that she thinks her new baby is a reincarnated version of the first child and wants to kill her because she let her die.  She ends up going really crazy and killing some people and slicing her sister up and going into a mental hospital for a while.  But throughout the movie she keeps seeing this ghostly version of her daughter following her around saying 'you killed me mommy'  which, if you have read previous posts, you know that I have a similar delusion.  So now I think I've gone nuts because I can see my child following me around and although he does not say I killed him, my heart does, and his eyes ask me why.  So yea, I've cracked up.  Psych ward, here I come.