PILR and 5/23

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 



While the following is not specifically graphic it may be difficult.

On 5/23/07 TB and I headed to the OBGYN together for the first time.  I had been to previous appointments with other doctors for well check ups and all the prenatal vitamins and things that you do early on but this was the first time that TB was coming with me and the first time at the big clinic with the doctor-who-shall-not-be-named-because-we-are-currently-suing-her.  All indications from the nurses meant that this would be the appointment you think about when you think of pregnancy; hearing the heart beat for the first time together, seeing a sonogram that actually looked kinda like a baby and not just a lump.  We sat forever in the waiting room and giggled and got really excited.  We were about to see and hear our child for the first time and we were just excited.  Once in the exam room we answered more questions (including several not so nice ones about how young we were) and got ready for the sonogram.  The first one didn't work so we tried a different kind and that one showed nothing as well.  My heart just sank as they tried everything they could to find the heartbeat.  There was not movement, no heartbeat and things just started to fall apart.  I was rushed to the hospital portion to see another doctor to see if the pregnancy had become ectopic, which means the egg latches and grows in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus, and if there was any danger.  I spent a long time staring at the ceiling alone waiting for the doctors to decide what was going on.  He began to search for anything unusual and came to the conclusion that the fetus had stopped living very recently.  After I counted the ceiling tiles for the thousandth time through my tears, he eventually was able to ensure that I was not in any danger and we started to talk about how to pass the baby the safest way.  We scheduled an appointment for the morning.
TB and I left the office devastated.  We sat in the car and just cried in the parking lot, neither of us knowing what to say.  We drove over to my parents' house and told them the news and cried some more.  We had no reasons, no answers, no explanations.  We just didn't know what to do.  After a long time talking we decided to go home and rest for the upcoming day.  Both of us fell asleep almost immediately.  I woke up a few hours later, laying on top of the covers and sleeping still in my clothes and shoes.  Something didn't feel right.  I used the restroom and saw the blood that I had been warned might start appearing.  After some time I realized that there was more pain than there should be and my body was passing the fetus and flushing everything out of my uterus.  I sat in the tub by myself for hours and went through the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.  When the contractions slowed down and it looked like things were over I turned on the shower and cried until there were no tears left.  I wrapped myself in robes and towels but could not get warm.  Eventually I crawled back into bed, wet and shivering and curled up next to a sound asleep TB.
The doctor cancelled the procedure the next day since it was no longer necessary and soon after I started to have unusual symptoms and issues that began my long recovery process.  I have since unsuccessfully tried to overcome the guilt, loss, pain and leftover trauma of that experience.  Though I have not yet won those wars, I am winning more battles and am no longer afraid to talk about my experiences throughout the last 5 years.

Timelines

I have been reflecting lately on my state in my life and my future plans.  It seems everyone in the world is having a baby lately.  I have been invited to 3 baby showers in the last month and know of AT LEAST 4 other people who are expecting right now.  Going to BU's first birthday and CR's 2nd birthday were also milestones that make me stop and think.
First of all, where has all of this time gone?  How are my friends and I old enough to have babies and families and all that other stuff?  What has happened?  It feels like we are just not far along on our timelines to be doing that kind of thing.
Second, I am just ridiculously overjoyed that I got to be at BU's birthday party and watch him gnaw on his cake and be adorable.  He is just the cutest thing ever.  I felt like The Grinch when his heart grows too big and breaks that thing when I signed Aunt L on his present.  It's just fun to be referred to as his aunt.  JU (his mom) is one of my closest friends and one of the best people on the planet and I am just in love with her son.  -in the appropriate way clearly
But third, I get this weird little half pang of sadness that I will probably never be on that path.  I am more than happy for my loved ones that are getting that gift but it just twists a little when I realize I just probably never will.  When giggling about baby shower games I made the declaration that MY baby shower would have booze for the guests and strippers so everyone could enjoy themselves properly and not ooh and aaah over tiny baby things.  I had to stop and clarify IF I had a baby shower it would have those things and that took some of the fun out of it.  I really feel like babies are a bad choice at this exact point in my life but it is just a tiny bit difficult to look at these children that other people get to love so much and live with every day and I get nothing.  I guess I have cats, they sure are whiny and spoiled like kids.  They aren't children though, they are cats.  My husband acts like a toddler some days but that's really a different story.  I am so looking forward to my auntly duties as BU gets older and my brothers start having kids and I become Aunt L again and again.  I just need to continue to work on sewing up this hole I feel inside.

Choices

Every single moment of life is a choice, your choice.  Everything that you do has a reason, has a purpose and it is your responsibility to stand behind that.  Maybe you chose to wear red shoes today because the color caught your eye, maybe you chose to buy a new home because this one just isn't what you thought it would be, maybe you chose to start a relationship because the chemistry made you feel happy.  Every moment is a choice and every choice has a reason.  It is all too easy to say 'Oh I don't know why I said that, did that, chose that,' but the truth is you do.  Dig a little deeper and think about the question, then answer honestly.  That answer can be easy, difficult, complicated, terrible or superficial but there is a reason you made that choice.  A wonderful woman chose joy.  Constantly.  Gitzen Girl felt we should all choose joy always.  Every day and every choice was governed by the love and relationship she felt from god.  She stood fiercely behind that reason.  She is missed.  I get a quick heart beat when a post from her friends and family comes up on my blog feed because I love that they are carrying on her love, spirit and joy.  They remind the many many people that read her blog more than a year ago why they frequented her site.  Updates and info are always great to hear and I, personally, especially appreciate the posts where words from Gitz resonate in their lives today.  I have never felt such an impact from someone that I have never met before in such a direct way.  She was part of a group that seems too small most days that felt like it was her purpose to live the way god wanted her to live and that by emphasizing that in a positive way she could spread some of his love around.  I found no judgement, disdain or preaching in the way it has come to mean.  I felt unwavering strength.  Not once did she demean or emphasize how others' choices were wrong or against the teachings she felt very VERY close to, instead she found that people made different choices and she understood and BELIEVED that even those choices stemmed from god's will.  Spreading love and strength and joy was important and somehow effortless for her.  If the fact that those things came from something you didn't agree with bothered you then you clearly were not listening.  It is important that people find a way to respect one another and share how they feel without pushing those things onto others.  It is evident possibly now more than most times with all the defamation of presidential candidates that goes with elections that there is VERY little respect and kindness in every day life.  It is sooooooo easy to turn up your nose, discount someone and gossip with people who only feel the way you do sometimes, but that is not what makes life, people and the world better.  I feel like I am better for 'knowing' Gitz and it would have been nice if she knew that.  But if she is looking down like she truly believed she would be I'm sure she sees it in many faces and that is enough.  In your life, take just one second and be kind, show respect and choose joy.  Choose joy as often as you possibly can but, do it just once and it will start to come easily.

Gitzen Girl is missed by so many and her choices in life have impacted more than she and her family will ever know (which says A LOT because the out pour just on line of people that felt touched by her is inspiring) but the words and choices she has made live in many many people who cherished her words.  I still cannot believe the pain and difficulties she went through with her years of difficult medical issues having seen her words that just dripped with strength and the overwhelming feeling that in the end it would all be ok because she chose joy. 

Two of Us

Sometimes I am too independent.  Sometimes I forget that every SINGLE thing that I do can affect TB.  If you don't know me in person then you don't know how fiercely independent I am, and have always been.  I spent a lot of my life figuring things out for myself and taking care of whatever situation I was in on my own.  Doing this means that I don't always think about the other people involved in the choices that I make.  A few weeks ago TB and I went to see our favorite band Night Train at the local bar they usually play at.  This place is a dive bar for sure and the people that hang out there are not always the classiest.  To keep the story short I got into a heated argument with some guy that was in my face and trying to push me around and putting his hands on me.  He was being inappropriate and saying some really nasty things so hothead that I am, I got back in his face and things just escalated.  It took 3 people to keep me from hitting this guy in the face for the crap he was saying.  I will absolutely tell you that is not the best decision or the right choice but in my beer soaked, pissed off moment that's where we were.  I don't pick fights, I tried to stay calm but I eventually felt like I needed to defend myself.

The next day I had a conversation with TB and he let me know he was upset that I had gotten so angry and was scared I would be arrested if I was fighting in the bar with some guy.  All justified concerns.  We worked it out and he wasn't mad at me or anything because he knew I was defending myself myself and it wasn't like I drunkenly took a swing at someone, they legitimately started an incident.  It did take a little while for him to shake off how upset he was at the idea that I might get in a fight or go to jail or anything similar.  This whole thing made me think about the choices that I make.  I am the type of person who really over thinks things and while I am sure whatever I am thinking about is the best choice for me, I don't always remember to think about how TB might feel.  I'm not making crazy life decisions or anything but it would definitely be a good idea to think about the things I do when my temper takes over.

I would think after 8 years together, 6 years living together and 4 years married that we would have a better routine down but it's hard for us to get used to one another.  Living 5 years of our lives in grief and bad health has not helped either.  So goes marriage.

Five Minute Friday-Connect

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)
Connect


Last weekend brought a lot of connections for me.  My husband and I drove down to San Antonio to spend some time with family and celebrate my cousin, RL, graduating from the Air Force Academy.  My grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle, RL's husband and my other cousin were all there.  RL's husband, JL, also brought along his half brother with his wife and two kids.  It was not a small event to say the least.  That side of the family, and the members that came down specifically, are partiers.  We like to laugh and tell stories while we make food and hang out together.  We love to have a good time and there is rarely anything else when we all get together.  We only see my aunt, uncle and cousins every few years so there is a lot to catch up on.  I had never met JL before so it was nice to meet the man that make RL so happy.  Reconnecting with that side of my family fills my heart up.  My uncle got so sad when we had to leave early and my aunt and I spent the whole time wrestling around with my dad and teasing him.  (a tradition of ours)  I am named after her so he yells that the L's are picking on him and runs to tell his mom.  After 50 years he is still telling mommy when his sister bothers him and it just cracks us up.  We only spent about 24 hours with them but it makes me want to spent every weekend with them.  After we left the family we had lunch with some friends of ours that live in San Antonio that we had not seen in several years.  It happened to be NL's daughter's birthday so we had a very nice celebration lunch where I got to meet her 2 year old daughter for the first time.  Soaking in all the fun and conversation from that short lunch visit makes me miss them so much right now.  It also reaffirms that time and distance just doesn't effect some relationships.  Once we got home on Saturday evening I went straight to JU's mom's house because she was in town that weekend.  I got to see her, her husband and their sweet baby BU.  He will be 1 next month and I just can't believe how big he is and I fall completely in love every time I see him again.  We went out that night with old high school friends, some like CZ that I see all the time and some like BZ that I do not.  I reconnected with SO many people that I feel exhausted from the love.

-Quick side note while I still have time left on the clock-

For a split second I got the cold sweat fear that I would have to have the baby discussion with a room full of people I haven't seen in years and therefore aren't completely aware of my situation and some strangers.  JL was playing with his nephew and while hoisting him above his head he asked 'So when are you guys gonna start having kids?'
I nearly dropped to the floor because I was so unprepared, I usually don't get that from family anymore.  I tried to recover and smile while I said 'Oh none for us, I'm just looking forward to being an aunt in a few years.'  And JL made the face everyone makes when I say that so I braced myself.  To my surprise however, he smiled really wide and very proudly said, 'Same for us, we're not having kids.'  Phew!  I was out and it was over in seconds, I panicked for nothing.
This got me thinking though, that is how we connect with new people.  We connect through our shared experiences or discussing our differences.  Asking those 'basic' questions are how we relate and connect. 

Effects of infertility

I came across this article a little while ago and wanted to share it.  While I do not necessarily agree with what some of the experts are saying, I think that its a great way to see that people are highlighting the effects of infertility and just how deep they go.  One expert in particular seems to be using this study to get more funding for IVF, I really feel like if any funding is added it should go towards mental care of the people involved.  Having a baby is a lifestyle choice and the debate about whether money should be set aside from the government to give infertile women the option to conceive is not mine to argue; but the aftershocks of losing a child or having a miscarriage is not a lifestyle choice.  People should at the very least have access to someone or something that can help repair the damage that causes.

As someone who has dealt with alcoholism in my family and mental disorders in myself and other family members I am always glad to see these things in the spotlight of information.  Too often the notions of being 'a drunk' or 'crazy' outweigh the actual facts.  It is difficult to deal with either of these things and I can absolutely see how the internal stress of infertility can cause disorders or drinking.  By no means does every woman turn to alcohol or develop a mental disorder, but this shows that many of them have the potential if they are not helped.  It is difficult to put yourself in that circumstance if you have never been there, so there is little research or information regarding the mental state of an infertile woman.  I like that someone is cataloging some of the results and again just getting the info out there into the world.  The more information there is, the easier it can be to talk about it or know where to turn.  Not everyone knows that those feelings are natural and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist may be the best answer.  Some don't even know or admit to the thoughts and feelings these ladies have talked about and in turn do not know that help is available.  It's there and it helps.  Look for it if you need it.

Character Review: Bethenny Frankel

Looking through things on line while I ate my lunch, I came across this article.  Although I don't watch her on the Housewives show she is on, or really know a lot about her in any other capacity, I immediately felt for what she said in this article.  Her emotions so mirror the ones I had and still have now.  That first flicker of 'Oh no, I wasn't planning this' gives way to the excitement only to have it taken back again.  If you read my blog at all you have seen that I carry a HUGE bag of guilt around with me from my miscarriage, feeling like it was my fault for not protecting the baby better.  Hearing that another woman logically knows it is wrong but still feels that makes me feel a little less crazy.  Oh and that fact that she says that she had a small relief that the ill timed pregnancy difficulties were no more is just wonderful to read.  (obviously wonderful is an odd term here, go with it)  I love to hear a woman be honest about loss and miscarriage because it is really REALLY hard to be honest with yourself and a whole different monster to be honest out loud to other people.  This woman is brave for being able to say these things in an interview and put herself out there.
-I have to say that personally hearing a woman who is financially independent, married, older than me and otherwise in a good place say she felt some relief really makes me pause.  I felt that small relief that I wasn't going to care for a child that I wasn't sure I was ready for and that my then fiance and I had a chance at a regular young married life together and the chance for TB to be stable and secure in a career.  Truthfully it's easier not to have a child with all that is going on in our lives right now.  But maybe that's a little selfish.  I've had some nasty insults from people who say I 'deserved' the miscarriage because we were young and not yet married, its just kinda nice to hear that someone else has been in that mindset.

Aside from all that, I just wanted to praise her for her honesty.

Its been a long time been a long time been a long lonely lonely lonely tiiime

I know its been a while guys but man, I have been going through a lot lately.  We've been working like mad to save for our vacation and our cruise deposit for my brother's wedding next year, my MIL was in the hospital and my grandmother and great grandmother were in and out a few times too.  Difficult work stress plus trying to find the energy to live life.  We started a crazy project to clean the WHOLE house out all at once cause I'm smart.  I had an evaluation with the Doc and I have been waiting not so patiently for the results.  I have been stressing about the choices I will need to make very soon and all that comes with that.  And then there's that precarious balance between I need to make my own decision about my body and you're my husband so I want your input.

The biggest thing I have dealt with lately seems to be my meds though.  They are forever tweaking and changing and reevaluating the meds I get since I am in another experimental trial.  I go to the doctor four times a week, twice to get my blood work done and checked and twice to get GIANT shots to pump me full o meds.  Fun.  These things make me SOOOOOOO sick it's just awful.  I hate it.  I have no energy, I get nothing done, I can barely make it to work and back some days.  My immune system is down again so my allergies are killing me and I am staying VERY far away from anyone that may be sick or look sick or seem sick or stood near someone else that seemed sorta sick.  I just can't afford to be wiped out with something stupid like a cold right now.

Well these meds are kicking my ass so the logical next step is to up the dosage.  Yaay.  This is the third week on the new dosage and the first week I looked like the walking dead for five days (that 5x the days I looked shitty on the previous dosage just so you have a reference) but the second week and now today I am feeling surprisingly good.  I have gotten lots of projects done at work and helped clean up the house, I have even had energy to help with dinner which almost never happens anymore.

So I have this theory... it is completely in my own mind and has no actual medical basis, I'm just kinda hoping that I'm right.  So you know when you're in a car accident or something and they give you pain killers?  Well as long as you are in a ton of pain the pain killers just sorta soak that up, and when you take one and you are in less pain they make you kinda high and loopy.  The pills work when there is pain to counteract and they have side effects (whether you see them as good or bad is up to you I guess) when they aren't being used up.  Well I am hoping that the new dosage is actually working and that is why I have the energy to do stuff.  I am hoping that I was feeling bad before when they weren't working and now that I am feeling ok that's a sign they are working.  Makes a little sense right?  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just crazy.

Five Minute Friday-Enough

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)

Enough


I have been absent from my blog for a while now since I have been going through some difficulties in life.  This seems like the perfect topic to jump into where I am at in my recovery process right now. 

I've had enough.

I have just had enough of trying the same meds that are not working and zap all of my energy and make me feel so sick.  I seriously cannot keep water down once a week.  It's not fun.  More than the awful side effects, I am just through sitting around and hoping things will work out.  I trust my doctor very much and I generally take his advice but I just can't sit still any longer.  At my last evaluation visit I told him that when we meet to discuss the results he needs to schedule a little extra time and plan on going through my options with me because I have had enough of all of this.  I am ready to make some decisions and move forward, whichever direction forward takes me.  I have had enough days feeling crappy I have had enough pills and meds and shots.  I have had enough 'wait and see.'

I've just had enough.

I basically have four options and none of them are good, I am not looking forward to any of them but something has to be done.  After five long years dealing with these problems and three years of recovery I have had enough and I need to DO something, anything really, that will change the situation. 

I really feel like I have enough strength to make the right choice for my body and my future.

5 years

Things you can do in five years:

• go through high school
• get through college
• pay off a car
• save to buy a house
• plan a wedding and get married
• get a promotion
• travel the world
• start a family
• make a goal
• reach a goal
• almost anything

What have I done in five years?  Tried to pull myself together.

Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you.  I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD.  That is just insane.  I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed.  I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time.  I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life.  I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into.  I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken.  I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me.  Guys, it is tiring.  It wears me out.  I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes.  I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday.  Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits.  Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point.  Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey.  I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two.  Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.

Character Review: Fran and Maxwell Sheffield

The Nanny and her gorgeous employer danced circles around each other and the idea of a relationship for 5 years and and then very quickly admitted their feelings for one another and got married.  Fran finds out soon after the wedding she is pregnant but does not tell Max because he expresses how much he does not want a child yet.  After finally telling him she has an accident and ends up in the hospital to find out that she was never really pregnant before, there was a false positive.  They spend the next several months trying to get pregnant and are unable to.  It takes a long time and lots of hurt feelings but she eventually gets pregnant with twins and both parents are ecstatic.

-I'm sensing a tv theme here.  I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.

Five Minute Friday-Risk

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)


Risk


Risk is a touchy word.  It can be hard for people.  High risk pops into my head first.  I am at high risk for diseases and infections because of my immune system collapse.  I will certainly have a high risk pregnancy if I ever get pregnant again.  If that happens there is a risk that I may not survive it.  I have potential to be put on a high risk adoption list if we ever decide to do that.  My life on many days feels like it is filled to the brim with numbers, statistics, and risk calculations.  There's a big risk that I will need to get a full hysterectomy very soon.  There is the risk that if I choose to have that surgery now for my health, my husband (or even I) could regret and/or resent it later.  It's too risky to make an incision to farm and freeze some of my eggs.  Every new pill, shot, capsule gives me the risk of busting one of my many scars AGAIN and giving me internal bleeding AGAIN and making me have ANOTHER minor surgery to fix it up.  There is a risk that all of this is for nothing and I may never bear my own children and I may never be healthy again.  There is a risk that all of this will trigger my bi-polar disorder in difficult ways that make it hard to control.  There is a risk that I will look back and think I made the wrong choices.  There is also that chance that anything could happen so it's difficult to believe the statistics every time.  Sometimes my gut can see the risks long before the doctors and doctors and doctors see it.

Wish You Were Here

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd



So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage?

How, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after Year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here



I had the last paragraph (the chorus) tattooed on my leg on the year anniversary of EB's death.  It was a song he had sung many times and we had listened to together over and over again.  It perfectly encompassed the way I was feeling, and still feel, about his passing.  TB and I have been so lost since his death, we go over the memories and places that were important but none of them have the spark they used to without EB.  These lyrics are also for my baby.  While I don't have the personal connection with this song and the baby that that I do with EB and the song, it again is the way I feel we have been since those huge losses that May five years ago.  When I look at those lyrics or hear that song, I feel that they frame my new life after loss so well. 

A Happy Mother's Day

I spent another Mother's Day without my baby.  I spent another year alone.  There was no scribbled card or sweet gift, there was no tiny smile or breakfast in bed for me.  I did not get anything the other mothers get because I have no one to give me anything.  A sad little pang hits me in the morning or when I see the cards at the grocery store for 'The Best Mom.' 

You know what I did do on Mother's Day though?  Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning.  I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together.  I called my MIL and gave her my love.  We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken.  We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game.  I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB.  I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do.  And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself.  I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing.  I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere.  Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom.  I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have.  Freedom.  No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them.  No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me. 

I hate the bittersweet days.  I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days.  Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to.  The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.

But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all.  I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss.  I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger.  Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere.  Just maybe.

Black Days

"Fell On Black Days"
       Soundgarden

Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate

Five Years

Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened.  -Dr. Suess

5/8

I don't know my anniversary or my grandmother's bday but May 8th is a day that I can't forget.  Each moment of that day five years ago is burned into my memory.  Coming home to see TB and RM with their heads hanging low, sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home.  Falling back against the door frame and standing there with my mouth open, unable to ask all the questions that sprang into my head.  Hearing them tell me again that EB was gone.  Listening to the slow words as they left their mouths and the scared look in their eyes because they knew which words were coming next.  The shake in TB's voice as he tried to choke out how he spent agonizing hours home alone with the information, unwilling to call me at work.  That sound haunts me.  Eventually we went to EB's mom's house to visit with her and see what we could do.  She handed over a list of names and phone numbers scratched in his handwriting and asked me to tell his friends.  We all stood around, his mom, his dad, his step-mom and his sister, there with me, TB and RM; each of us staring at the carpet and lifting our heads briefly to meet an uncomfortable gaze of another.  That night we told our friends one by one and then I started on his list.  Only first names were listed and I had no clue who I was talking to most of the time.  The calls crossed Texas and more called in, having heard from others.  I gave out instructions, guidance, information and condolences.  We were all hurting.  We were all missing him.  TB drifted off from exhaustion that night while tears dripped down his sleeping face.  I went out on to our balcony after I knew he was asleep and called my mom.  I just needed to talk to someone, I needed to hear her tell me it was ok since I had said that to so many others that day.  After we hung up I sat out there for hours rubbing my small pregnant belly and crying.  When the sky turned pink with dawn, it all seemed so surreal.  Sometimes I still can't believe that he isn't here.  It has been a very long five years.  I honestly didn't know if I would survive without him, he was my best friend and a piece of my soul.  I still feel a hole inside.  I still feel fucked up.

Its easy to judge

Its easy for you to look at me and say I don't understand.  Its easy for you to say I've never cared for a child so I don't know.  Its easy for you to point fingers and tell me what you would do.  Its always easy to make a hypothetical decision when you know you don't have to make it in your actual life.  'Oh, well I would never be able to...blah blah blah'  'Well if I were in that situation I would just.....whatever.'  I am working through this one emotion at a time, its not a quick fix.

When I tell you I am not planning to have kids (because you are a stranger and its easier than telling you the WHOLE ENTIRE story) its really easy to say that I'm lucky, crazy or that I will change my mind.  When I give a less definite answer like 'we aren't thinking about that right now' or 'we haven't made any decisions yet' its rude to comment about how I must not want kids because I'd rather go out and 'party.'  It's easy for you to think that I just wanna go get drunk and stay out all night instead of have a child because I'm young.  You don't know anything about me.

Its very easy for you to say that adoption is 'the best option' for us because you aren't hurting from the loss of your child.  You can tell me how easy it is to decide to go through that when you haven't looked into the time/money/stress/anxiety that goes into waiting for someone to deem you fit enough to have a child.  The idea of replacing my baby with another still hurts right now, let me deal with it before you push me along to the next step.

Asking if I am 'still grieving' BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD is just rude.  It's easy to say five years is enough time to get over it but you are not me and do not know how I am dealing with things.  I am doing my best here.  To be real honest, I may never stop and that's just fine. 

'You're lucky you can't have kids' is never ok.  For any reason.  Finishing the sentence with 'mine drive me crazy' is not helpful.

Telling me my life is relaxing because we don't have kids is also not ok.  You may have children and I am SURE that is draining but I have doctor's appointments, meds, unanswered questions and years (if not a lifetime) of struggles with my health and whether or not I will get another chance.  It is definitely not the same but it is certainly not relaxing.  Saying that you 'wish you had my life' isn't much better.

Your 'helpful suggestions' may mean well but you are not listening to the way they come out of your mouth. 'Can't you just adopt someone else's kid?' 'You can always have another baby.' 'Now you have a lot of information about what not to do when you get pregnant again.' 'That doctor doesn't seem to know what he's doing.' 'You're lucky you didn't have to raise a baby at your age.' 'If you hadn't gotten pregnant before you were married it would have been ok.' 'You better not tell (someone who is pregnant) you'll scare them.'

Think about the things you are going to say, sometimes they don't need to be said.  Sometimes you don't have to say anything.  It may be easy for you to judge me but I am not judging you.  Stop it.

Five Minute Friday-Together

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)

Together


Thursday night is Game Night and I look forward to it like its a holiday.  Each week I wake up thinking I get to see some of my best friends tonight, just get through a few more hours of work, do the dishes because the guys are coming over.  RM and JH have been close friends with us for 7 or 8 years now, we have been through a lot together and supported one another through it all.  We tell stupid jokes and rag on each other and compete hardcore at whatever we are playing that night.  Heckling is highly encouraged.  We spend hours laughing and giggling over cards, board games, dominoes and beers.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.  I feel so full when I lay down after those nights, all my batteries have been recharged.  JG comes over most nights and having another girl there makes it fun, occasionally someone else comes by or somebody has to work but just knowing that I get to see them each week makes me smile.  These guys are my family, sometimes better than actual family.  I'm a lucky lady to have them.  Nothing is better than seeing RM walk through the door with a hug and container full of cookie dough for me.  Seeing JH's shoes tucked under the coffee table when we leave for work Friday morning because he stayed over makes me smile.
We sit on the balcony in the breeze while the guys smoke and we tell stories about when EB was still alive and HIS game night antics, munch on whatever dessert RM brought to share and try to decide who is making the beer run.  Political discussions, childhood memories, stupid mistakes, bad ex girlfriends, how much we miss EB and our crazy parents are always brought up among the stories we tell and retell and then tell again.  It doesn't hurt that I usually win whichever game we're playing.  ')

Damn Lucky -also I ramble

You know those overbearing, nosy, rude, stereotypical mother in laws that are always on TV and movies (like Monster in Law or Everybody Loves Raymond)?  Well folks, I am so lucky that mine is the opposite of those fictional ladies in every way.  We spent this weekend celebrating a friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend and some friends.

-I have to take a second and explain the odd family dynamics of that party so you get whats going on.  TB met AF at work 7 or 8 years ago when he was a full fledged member of the Starbucks Cult and we all became good friends.  Knowing AF, we soon got to know his dad TF and as he's into the same music and sports and frequented the same bars we went to we got to be very good friends with TF.  AF was MIA for a couple of years and is now back full force.  While he was gone we spent a lot of time with his dad and found out he was getting separated, I thought he'd be great for my MIL and so we got them together so they could become friends.  We invited her to watch the games and see the bands with us that she already liked so they had a good time hanging out with us.  (TF tells us with love sick grin that they met watching game six of the NBA championship last year, obviously the same day they won the title.)  They hit it off and started texting and hanging out and several months later they have plans to move in together when his lease is up.  -aaawwwwwwww

TF and AB are dating, TB and I are married, AF and CS are dating, TF is AF's dad, AB is TB's mom.  To complicate things a little more TF is very good friends with me and TB, AF is good friends with me and TB also and CS is one of our tenants at work.  phew.

Soooo, TB and I went to The Man Cave -aka TF's place- for AF's bday to celebrate with the above mentioned people.  It was a blast, too much fun to even describe here.

But, my original point, my MIL is awesome.  She is sweet and fun to hang out with I am comfortable when its just us or the whole family.  She is always there with helpful advice but has never ever given it to me unless I asked for it.  She is just a wonderful person.  At the party this weekend CS commented that she thought it was sweet that I call her Mom.  She really is my mother, I'm just lucky enough to have two.  It got me thinking however, about the day we told her I was pregnant.  Now if you don't remember, we were engaged but not married yet and it was a big big surprise so we were nervous to let the parents know because we were still pretty young at 20 and 21.  She was surprised but very supportive and excited.  I can remember as we were walking down the path to leave later that night I gave her a big hug and told her thank you using her name.  She put her hands on my small belly and said, ' Well you might as well call me Mom.  You know, if you want to.'  Teary and with a big grin I hugged my new Mom again and I've called her that ever since.

Deafening Silence

I read a very honest post today from Me and Mine that although was about a pretty difficult topic, gave me some joy.  Pregnancy hormones can do so many things to your body, you just don't even know.  Allison, the woman who writes at Me and Mine, went through antepartum depression while she was pregnant.  It is similar to postpartum but (as I'm sure you can guess) happens before you are separated from your child -i e during the pregnancy.  Her post is raw and honest and moved me, but her message is what stuck with me the most.  She urged anyone who felt not quite right or knew someone who may be going through something similar to talk about it openly.  Be honest and let others know how you feel.  Be there for someone who may not know how to bring it up.  That hiss in your head that tells you to keep it quiet, don't let anyone know, can be SO LOUD sometimes.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault.  Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days.  Some days it is just there.  I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too.  No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic.  By the way did I mention my baby died?'  Yea, no one wants to be that person. 
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences.  This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong.  When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in.  After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in.  The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me.  I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing.  People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it.  That was really great.  You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.

Be open and honest with people around you.  Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems.  Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.

PT Update

I got some pretty awesome news yesterday when I went in for Physical Therapy, good news is not something I'm used to so I was pretty excited.
I started going to physical therapy several months ago to combat some shooting pains in my legs and arms and the constant pain and ache I was feeling in my legs and hips.  My doctor prescribed PT for me after looking at my MRI and x ray results and finding that I have 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs that were the cause of most of my pain.  I started going twice a week and then moved to once a week and yesterday they said they want me to start coming in every 10 days.  Yay!  I'm excited that they feel like I'm getting better, and while I'm definitely not 100% I can tell the pain is lessening and feels different.  When the therapist screened me yesterday she said I was in good shape, that's the first time that happened so far.  I am excited to think that I could really be getting better and dealing with the pain. 

Five Minute Friday-Light

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  =)

Light


Light is something I am not.  I am not happy or sunny or optimistic, I am round and heavy, and I don't do subtle well.  I sometimes forget that others don't know that about me yet when I meet new people, hence the crazy situation with some friends of ours lately.  Long story short, my body language and lack of subtlety led to a situation that got misconstrued and I could have prevented the whole thing with a light touch.  I'd rather be wearing black and in high school I was one of the goth kids.  I still am waaay into horror movies, Halloween decorating and zombie invasion escape plans.  Light has never been my thing.  The bathroom scale would agree.  I've put on a lot of weight from my medical crap and since my restrictions still keep me from most exercise I just can't get rid of that.  So for now I'm pretty heavy, hopefully we can change that.  I'd just like to be a little healthier, the size isn't the issue for me really.  I constantly expect the worst things to happen and my OCD brain gets overactive and plans for every feasible terrible thing that could ever happen.  Good side, this means that when little stuff happens I'm pretty relieved that the crazy in my head was not real, bad side however is that I do this about EVERYTHING so there is always a lot on my mind.  That probably explains some of my insomnia..... also headaches.... also therapist visits..... hmmm maybe I'm rambling now....

Give and Take

All relationships are a system of give and take, I really believe that when you step back and look at the transactions you've had with a person you should be able to see a balance.  Everyone needs to take more than they give sometimes and everyone gives more than they take at times.  That's just how life goes, sometimes you need to ask for a little more.  Last post I talked about all the things my job gave me, since my grandmother BC started the company, gave me the job and trained me she essentially gave me all of those things too.  There are a lot of give and take situations when it comes to BC, we spend a lot of time together for work, we spend time together as family and just enjoy one another.  The push and pull in our relationship is obvious.  Well its been a giving year so far for me in that relationship, she has given me a lot over the years in my job and otherwise and I have given back to her by being there when she needs support through her tough medical times.  (every day work stuff cancels each other out so I don't count that)  She had another set back and is back in the hospital again today unfortunately.  I just can't get these grandmas well!
My great grandmother, EE, has moved from the nursing home where she was getting mild therapy to an in patient rehab facility that is giving her standard physical therapy.  So she is doing better, not great, but is still locked up.  Just as she is starting to have some real improvement, BC gets a serious asthma attack and pneumonia and goes to the hospital late last night.  As soon as one gets a little better the other gets worst.  So we've had another day of shuffling around to get BC's work covered in the office and another day of visiting ladies in the hospital/rehab center.  Unfortunately it looks like BC needs a few days of care and they are in two different cities.  I know it really breaks her spirit to be back there and when I see either of them I just want to hug them a thousand times.
I'm starting to feel a little paranoid though.  This is the first year in the last five years that I am actually feeling a little bit better.  I am working really hard on my physical therapy and trying to change the things I can to make my back/legs better and just when I am getting some relief everyone else around me goes down.  So far this year my uncle had a heat attack, my grandfather had another stroke, BC has been in and out with back fractures, cancer scares and now this, EE had an awful stroke, my brother thinks he has another staff infection which is what led to his kidney failure last time.  Man, it has been hectic.  Is this some weird reverse karma thing where everyone who helps me gets sick or hurt?  What is going on lately?  I'm finally kinda ok and everyone else is having issues.  Maybe everyone saw that I have a little less stress lately and thought they'd fix that. 
Take your vitamins and get checked by your doctor if you've been nice to me in the past half decade because apparently that makes you a target.

Five Minute Friday-Gift

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  =)

Gift

Gifts come in many different forms, I try really really hard to make my obstacles into gifts.  Some days this is nearly impossible but trying does make me look at the situation a little differently and can usually give me a different perspective about what is going on. 
My family makes me nuts, they are loud and crazy and opinionated and so am I.  This makes working with them difficult some days because we all feel so strongly about whatever position it is we are debating that it can turn a meeting into an all day discussion.  But, I have the gift of a family business to work in.  I have a place where I came to run errands for my grandmother, that turned into being her assistant, that gave me a part time desk job, that led to the realization that I was good at the accounting and collection that needed to be done, this gave me the chance to work as a bookkeeper and office manager in the office full time and a part owner of the company.  I got a great gift.  This also gave me the chance to work every day with my aunt, my uncle and my grandmother which has just nourished each of those relationships and made me closer with each of them.  I have the gift that I will not be laid off or let go unexpectedly because of downsizing, as long as I keep working hard and putting everything I have into the company, it will be here for me.  That is a great gift, the idea that I have a stable job and we have a good business is very comforting when others don't always have that.  I have the gift of being able to support my family and do something I enjoy (most of the time).  I can see what comes out of my hard work when the company grows and we retain clients.  I have the gift that my husband has a place to learn to be a realtor and learn from our experience so he can grow a career that he enjoys.  That gave us the gift that we no longer have opposite hours, now we drive to work in the same car and sit across the office from each other.  I have been given a lot of wonderful things from this business and I am very grateful.  I want to spend this year working on giving back by doing everything to make it better.  Fixing my mistakes and working on my flaws while utilizing the skills I have and learning new ones.
The hardest thing to consider a gift is my pain.  That is one that I almost never look at as a gift.  I hurt and ache all day every day.  Some days and hours are better than others but every day I have pain that changes the way I do things.  It sucks.  But you know, this pain has given me the gift to see the loving sides of my friends and family.  There is not a person in my life that has not brought me groceries or cooked us dinner, sat with me after surgeries and procedures, called to see how I was feeling, volunteering to do my dishes or clean up the house, covering my work or scheduling things so they worked best for me.  I could go on forever but I'm almost out of time.  I have seen the very best in the people that I love because my pain has made them want to help me when I needed it.  Even when I didn't want to ask.  I have definitely been given a lot.

Five Minute Friday-Loud

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  =)

Loud


I am small but loud.  I come from loud, I create loud and I just can't help it.  I laugh loudly and tell loud stories about how we were being loud that one time.  I am loud happy and loud mad, I am loud when I'm not either one.  Not everyone else enjoys it or understands it, but there's not a lot I can do.  My parents are loud, my grandparents are loud and most other family members, also loud.  I usually describe my family as passionate when asked, good or bad they are passionate about whatever is going on at the moment.  A lot of time passion comes out loudly and abruptly.  Sometimes I forget about this and that other families are nice and quiet, I forget not everyone makes as much noise as we do.  My husband asks me constantly why I am so loud, making so many noises and exclamations.  I like loud music and loud TV.  I like the loud noises of game night or the band we like, I like the loud laughter that is always at my parents house and the loud work that is always at my job (which also involves my family).  I live in loud every single day.  I enjoy it, I can't help it.  Loud debates about random preferences and opinions are a must with friends.  Loud conversations about movies, books and music can last hours.  My cats are loud.  I am surrounded by loud.  I do really like my quiet apartment after a long day though. 

Where are my rights?

I read this article recently and although I do not agree with everything she has to say, it makes a lot of good points that highlight women's issues when it comes to reproduction.  I am soo sick of hearing candidates and politicians sound off about various sexual and reproductive rights.  It just makes my blood boil to hear the bills that are trying to be passed in some states that require a woman to carry a fetus until it is naturally passed from the body, no matter what.  This means that if a fetus dies in the womb a woman must carry around a dead child in her body, a constant reminder of her loss and suffering, a potential medical risk, until the body passes it out.  Some bodies don't.  Some poor woman could be stuck her whole life with this baby in her, potentially?  That just makes me sad.  At that point, there is no moral issue that I can see.  I get it if you don't want to give people the option to abort because a fetus is a life, I don't necessarily agree but I get that is what you are going for, but once that life is gone what is that point?  Fetal cells decay quickly and can become very dangerous to a woman.  I can tell you firsthand that the pain and repercussions of those decaying cells can be excruciating.  I did not have any extraction procedures and passed my child naturally, the cells left in my uterus dug into the wall linings and produced a very harmful bacteria that has left me scarred and in bad health.  My uterus never contracted enough to shrink back to the size its supposed to be so it has helped me gain weight and is putting pressure on my other organs.  It has depleted an already messed up immune system and caused soooo many other things that I'm not even going to list.  Not to mention the side effects from the meds and procedures I have had since to try and get healthy.

I just don't get what it accomplishes to make a woman continue to carry a fetus that has already died.

I do not understand how a government can try to force a woman to die for her child either.  If a pregnancy or an unborn child is specifically life threatening to a woman it should be between her and her doctor.  If it is a situation where you can save the baby or the mother, the government should really not be involved.  You should not be able to force someone to die for somebody else, that should be your choice.

To be honest, I think the whole controversy with the insurance/contraceptives thing is pretty dumb.  If you work for a religiously affiliated institution that does not agree with contraceptives you should probably expect that they won't pay for yours.  If your job has nothing to do with religion then their decision should not be based on that person's specific beliefs.  I still don't think you have a RIGHT to those contraceptives though.  It is wrong for one man in a business to choose not to provide insurance coverage for contraceptives because of his personal beliefs.   Insurance companies do not hand out condoms to men so women cannot really expect them to throw free birth control pills their way.  I do think there is a middle area as in most issues.  If you have a medical need for them then maybe there should be an option for some insurance coverage but it becomes hard to define NEED so I see how that wouldn't be very practical.  My doctor requires me to be on the pill because it is potentially life threatening for me to get pregnant right at this time.  This is also the best way to get the estrogen and other hormones I need to heal my organs.  My doctor deems it is something I need but I could also get these benefits from other things if I had to so that NEED line is blurry.  If you choose to use contraceptives then you choose to pay for them.  Can't afford them?  Don't have sex then.  I do believe that prescriptions of all kinds, including birth control, should be more available and lower in price.

It is only a small sect, but it is also wrong to fire a woman because you found out she was using contraceptives, that does not effect her job unless she's getting busy at work and in that case she deserves to get fired.

Five Minute Friday-Brave

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Brave


Brave makes me think about my family right now.  My great grandma EE is still recovering from her stroke and we are all working hard to help and support her.  Considering she had the worst kind of stroke you can have and she is 94 she is doing just amazingly well.  Considering she is the toughest lady I know and can't use her hand, face or leg and now needs help with everything she isn't doing that great.  She looks so miserable laying in bed at the nursing home we had to put her in.  She is upset that she was sent there and unhappy that she can't move around and do what she wants.  See, she lives alone in her 2 story house and does everything for herself and now all of that has changed.  I would be unhappy too.  Apparently my grandmother BC (EE's daughter) promised EE she would never put her in a retirement home.  I am trying to tell her its only temporary, she is only there because she is not ready for a rehab facility yet, they can take the best care of her and start some very light physical therapy until she is ready.  She is still unhappy though.  She is a very brave woman.  She has been through the death of her husband, all of her siblings and one of her daughters.  She still sends a birthday card to each and every person she has ever known and her very large extended family.  She makes quilts and afghans and rugs and works hard to stay in touch with everyone by spending hours on the phone.  She is a brave brave woman to move through the life she has had so far.  Yesterday, while she was telling me about dating my late great grandpa and how he used to take her dancing I couldn't help but tear up.  She still loves him so much after all the years it has been, it must really hurt not to have him each day.
I have not even said anything about my brave grandma BC who is spending all day by her mother's side to feed and help her.  BC, by the way, just learned how to walk again after being in the hospital for months with 3 fractures in her back.  I come from a line of brave, tough, feisty women.  I'm pretty proud of them.

My Marriage

You guys, marriage is hard hard work.  Sometimes its just hard.
Lately everything seems hard and my marriage falls into that category unwillingly.  TB and I have been together 8 years.  That's a big chunk of my lifetime so far.  We've been married 3 1/2 of those years and let me tell you that there is no 'honeymoon phase' over here.  We never got that chance.  I don't think there ever was.  I lost the baby as we were planning the wedding and the medical ramifications immediately hit my body.  I gained A LOT of weight that I had no control over, I got very tired and had pains I didn't understand.  I was grieving when I took my husband's name and so was he.  We were in a spiral of dark circumstances that had nothing to do with our core relationship but effected everything about it.  Years later when I notice that his ring is worn or I lost our marriage certificate (whoops) I think that not a lot has changed.  We have certainly worked hard at the grief and the coming years of pain and doctors but we still have a ton of crap thrown at us each and every day that other people have no clue about.  Some couples married much longer than us have not been through half of what we have been through in our very short marriage.  It has taken a long time and a lot of work to be able to work together against the hard times and not instinctively close up.  Somehow the thing I wasn't ready for about marriage was being completely open to another person.  I have always been honest and up front but it is a WHOLE other monster to be 100% open with another person.  It was hard to let him see me cry, whine and yell when I didn't understand my body or my loss.  It was also hard to see him handle things differently than I do.  I didn't know how to be there for him because I was so unfamiliar with the territory.

I found a really good man though.  He has done a lot for me.  He puts up with a lot too.  The grief I still haven't worked through.  The mounting bills that we have to somehow tackle.  The days when my bi polar disorder sneaks in and makes me irrational.  Crazy family members.  Bad days.  Bad attitudes.  Angry rants.  Ill timed surgeries and trips to the pharmacy.  Law suits with my doctors.  Endless appointments he has to work around -we only have one car.  Through all of those things he still lets me deal with things my own way, no matter what that means for him.  When I am too sad to move he gently lifts me up and makes me smile no matter how late he is for whatever he has to do.  TB works hard to do the little things that sit on my brain and make my anxiety shoot through the roof.  Not once has he ever said no when I have woken him at 3 in the morning to ask if he will rub my throbbing legs.  When I know his day has been long he will still drive to get whatever I am craving for dinner when I JUST CAN'T find the energy to cook dinner even though I promised him.  He sneaks out of bed on the weekends to let me sleep in and closes the door so the cats won't jump on me, I will find him sitting right next to the TV with it so low its not even a whisper so he doesn't wake me up.  He will get out of a perfectly warm bed to make me pancakes and worries that they are 'done right.'  If I fall asleep across the bed he will sleep on the couch because I 'just looked so peaceful.'

TB may have a thousand faults, as we all do, and some days I can see every one of them.  He is bad with money, bad under pressure and so clueless that its hilarious sometimes.  He really really loves me though and when it is important he quietly does whatever he thinks I need.  Stuffed animals dance and he makes bad jokes until I laugh with him.  I really lucked into a good one.  Oh and he has taught me patience and helped me curb many many of my not so nice tendencies.  We are nowhere near perfect apart and definitely not perfect together but we fit.  Sometimes the truth is ugly and boys are gross and life is tough to get through.  I am ultimately a lucky woman to have this man in my corner, even if some days he's the one I'm fighting with.  He lets me be me.  That is more important than doing the dishes.

YAY!!!

A quick congrats to one of my biggest supporters, CZ, who in addition to being generally awesome is now officially a freelance designer.  YAY!  Good for you and congratulations CZ!

Also, hockey for her belated birthday today, so two for one.

Five Minute Friday-Empty

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Empty


Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty.  Its not my baby's room.  Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child.  The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them.  I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are.  That can make things seem pretty empty some days.  These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true.  It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently.  What I could have done to save my child.  That's where it gets bad.  I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to.  A doubt to sneak in on.  Those days are the hardest.  I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out.  Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good.  Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out.  On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it.  I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking.  I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.

Waiting Waiting

I feel so hazy today.  My mind is somewhere else completely.  My grandmother, BC, (the one I work with) has been in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months because she has 3 fractures in her back and because of a very long and complicated history I will not bore you with it took a while to find/treat/get her back to any sort of shape to be at home.  Well her mother EE has been down here the last month and a half to take care of her.  EE is 94.  -I think its kinda cute that no matter how old they are her mom still has to rush down from Utah to take care of her daughter

Well BC is finally back home and with physical therapy and some restrictions (we took her keys) she is improving slowly.  Thankfully things are healing and she is getting some mobility back (she wasn't 100% to begin with so its hard to gauge where she is exactly)

EE lives by herself in Utah and still sews quilts, crochets blankets and weaves rugs.  She pays her own bills and schedules rides to her doctor appointments.  Really the only issues she has is that she is starting to lose her sight and she cannot drive.  She is healthy, spunky and tells you exactly what is on her mind.  She was a 'wild girl in her day' because she insisted on going to college.  She does a lot for her church and pushes us to as well and has a lot of friends that come to see her.  She is buying endless presents for her great granddaughters that live near her and is always telling stories of her life.  I love to pour over old photos with her and ask about relatives and places and things that happened because she has a very clear memory of it all and usually a goofy story to go with it.

EE had a stroke yesterday afternoon.  In the 28 years that I have been alive she hasn't even been sick before, that I can remember.  It is really hard to see her feeling helpless.  The left side of her body did not work at all yesterday, today she is making progress.  Her toes and fingers move and she can mostly squeeze your hand.  Her mouth and face do not work well on the left but she is not slurring her speech anymore.  The doctors thought she was delusional when she was giving orders to my mom and aunt out of the corner of her mouth from the hospital bed when she was talking about her Southwest ticket and eye appointment.  We all knew that she was telling us to push her trip back to Salt Lake to Monday instead of Sunday so she could get the shot in her eye that helps her see.  (if getting a needle to the eye once a month doesn't make you strong I don't know what does)

Today I got to see her twice and though she is looking much much better and all of the doctors and nurses keep telling us how AMAZED they are at her progress, I can't look at my sweet great grandma without getting tears in my eyes.  Its just such a change.  Its one of those things that is so large that you can actually feel the world twist to put you on a new path and in a new direction.  My poor, crazy, cranky, goofy old grandma is the strongest person I have ever known.  My mom always says the ladies on that side of the family are strong because we have great genes from EE and her mother MF.  They started a long line of crazy, stubborn, fun loving women.  I'm lucky to be one of them  (even if my mom also jokes that my genes are more diluted than hers lol) 

I have to say that tonight when we picked up BC, seeing my brother CG so upset was almost the hardest part.  CG hates hospitals, and almost refuses to talk about anyone he loves that is sick or hurt.  He just likes to avoid it, doesn't want to think about it.  He was watching through the window while the nurse did strength exercises with EE and to see him tear up made me want to just hug him so badly.   -He's not really a huggy person and we don't really have that kind of relationship so I let him sweet fiance comfort him.
I did have to smirk at the similarities when both he and I started to cry a little and when his fiance and my husband moved to comfort us we both turned the other direction said that we're 'fine' and wiped our eyes while the others watched on. 

Now we are just waiting to see what the doctors say and what the outcome will be.  She has a large blood clot in her neck and the meds she is on to fix it are dangerous and if they don't work she'll have to have surgery.  Not good.  We're just waiting to see what will happens.  If anyone can get through this its her.

Some More Catching Up

The doc is coming back to Texas sometime in March and we will be doing the final evaluation (again) to see the progress of my meds and all the procedures on my uterus.  When we do this we will have an idea of where things are on the recovery schedule and what is going on.  Last time we have a 'final' evaluation (I'd just like to point out how annoyed I am every time he calls it that, I get its at the end of the recovery program but it cannot be final if this is number 2) he decided I could still get better and I was healthy enough for another round.  So I guess my options would be, quit, recovery is over, I am healthy enough for another session or I can move on to the ACTUAL final step in this long long long process.  It has been like 4 years you guys.  Soooo there's that pressure coming. 

The pain in my legs and feet has gotten much much worst over the last months so I was sent to get x rays and an MRI.  The MRI found 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs, so ouch.  I was sent to a back doctor who checked me out and sent me to physical therapy first and decided we'd see how that went.  I also got some new meds (yay) and was told to try those.  They help my leg pain but I can't keep food down so its a 50/50 sort of thing.  Physical therapy however, has really been helping.  I have been going to Core Physical Therapy twice a week for almost 2 months now and I can really feel the difference.  The doctor laughed when I told him I was excited that although I still have bad pain every day I do not have as much shooting paid or numbness and I could sleep through the night better.  I guess pain every day is not a good thing but any improvement is great to me.  The ladies at Core are great, they are really gentle and helpful and they listen which is wonderful.  A lot of places can get too focused on an end point and push too hard too fast and my body just can't do that.  I am very slow going but I am improving.  The pain in my feet and calves has moved to my hips, thighs and back which is technically a good thing because it has to move up to move out.  I try extra hard to do my stretches at home every day and do anything I can to get better.    So more doctors, more pills, more stuff to do but some results.  So overall things are going pretty well in that area I'd say.

Catch Up

I haven't posted much since early December and what I have posted has not been very informative so I thought I'd do a little catch up session with what is all going on.

The week before christmas I had to have another last minute micro-surgery to close up the rips in my scar tissue and was not allowed to drive or lift anything.  TB was still hunched over and couldn't do much of anything and was at this point using a 'cane' (an upside down golf club) to get around.  This meant that our wonderful families chauffeured us around all weekend long.  My brother picked us up with ALL of our gifts since we were not able to get back to the house for 2 days and took us to my grandparents' house on my dad's side.  We had a very nice holiday with no fighting or craziness.  My sweet mother in law AB picked us up and took us down the road to her sister's place for festivities with that side of the family.  We spent a nice night eating food and opening gifts and sitting by the fireplace.  Mostly, we sat on the couch groaning and everyone else did those things around us, but it worked.  We spent the night at AB's and stayed up late watching a really great black and white movie that I don't remember the name of now and had a very nice night before we fell asleep on the couches.  We awoke to coffee brewing and the tree twinkling with lights because AB had tiptoed around and made everything extra festive while we were sleeping.  -she's so cute.  That morning was lovely opening gifts with AB, my brother in law BB and TB.  We had a very nice intimate little christmas morning that was just perfect.  After getting dressed and piling our haul of goodies in AB's car, she dropped us off at my other grandmother's house on her way out of town.  We sat on the couch and enjoyed a much noisier and busier holiday at that house.  There are 16 of us on that side and the youngest cousins are still 6 and 8 so there are lots of loud toys and fun stories and 'what did Santa bring you' questions.  We had some brunch/lunch and took turns opening our gifts one by one.  We have always had a rule over there that you open gifts one at a time going youngest to oldest so everyone can see what everyone else got.  This tradition has grown since me, both of my brothers and my cousin now bring their husband/fiances/girlfriend to the get together.  So now we sit through 5 or 6 rounds of 16 gifts each and it can take a while lol.  Once all the floor had been covered with paper and small toys and gifts everyone was stuffed full, my brother AG and his girlfriend took us home and I paid them for helping us put the gifts away and cleaning up the house a little.  We both laid down, took our pain meds and went to sleep.  It was a pretty nice time.

This was only supposed to be a small section of my post and has now grown pretty long so I think I will continue the rest next time.

Five Minute Friday-Ache

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Ache


Ache is a word I know very well.  The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems.  The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason.  The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs.  The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around.  That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery.  The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently.  The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it.  That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father.  That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have.  Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend.  The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart.  Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun.  Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine.  Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about.  Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age.  Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was.  Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts.  Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger.  I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it.  Ache is what I know.  Ache is constant.  Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of.  The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away.  Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there.  For now, I am working on lessening my aches.  Maybe someday that will change.

Five Minute Friday-Grit

Thanks MH for the encouragement, I AM going to make a 5 minute Friday post today.  Ignoring it because it didn't come from Gitz is not really the best choice.  I also for some reason have it in my head that I need to do all the ones I missed and when I looked back I found that I have not posted one since September and have missed 22 of them.  Well damn.  Thats quite a lot.  Maybe it will get me back in the habit of posting though.... stay tuned.


Ok Here goes.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)


Grit

Grit makes me think of determination.  It makes me think of the internal motivation and want that must be strong to go for the goal you really want to accomplish.  It also makes me think of sports, but most things make me think of sports so that part is a little irrelevant.  Mostly flag football games played at the park and the snowy games in Green Bay that are fun to watch or the loud smack you hear when the hockey players check each other into the glass.  Man, I love hockey.  Those guys must have to stick through a lot to get what they really really want.  I mean yea, eventually when you are the pro you get lots of perks and goodies and its fun to be a celebrity. (Darryl Johnston is still the only person who ever rendered me speechless when I met him)  But think of all the dieting and flying and training and work and rules and curfews and unrealistic expectations you must live up to in order to actually be a pro athlete.  How it must feel to want something sooo badly.  I don't know that I have a specific goal like that.  I have regular goals, get healthy, be happy and protect my family but I don't know if I have anything that I have spent my life working towards.  I wonder if its too late for something like that to appear.  I don't think you can really go looking for those kinds of things, something that so moves you has to find you.  It cannot be found.  Or tried.  Or looked for. 


Hmmm.... that didn't really go where I thought it would.... I guess thats the point of these things though.

Friday is upon us once again....

Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday.  -Obviously
This also means that Gypsy Mama will post a 5 minute Friday post.  See, I started doing 5 minute Fridays after MH showed me a blog by Gitzen Girl that had a great 5 minute Friday post about parents having childless friends.  (are you following me through that crazy sentence?)
Well since Gitz is gone I've found it kinda hard to keep the 5 minute Friday updates coming.  First of all, I always got the prompts from her blog.  Second, it makes me sad when I get the blog update on my phone from Gypsy Mama and I don't have one from Gitz.  Each Friday I read the post from GM and think about it and then never blog because it makes me sad.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Let's see.....

Big Breath

I know its been a while guys, I have a million excuses but mostly I've just been overwhelmed.  I am trying to get back to this because its something I really like doing.

I've been going to physical therapy lately and have added TWO more doctors to the ones I already see so it has been a little nuts.  My new meds make me feel awful and work has been busy and everyone I know is sick or hurt so I have been running around all kinds of crazy and getting nothing done.  Its times like those that I feel like a 'sick person,' I don't have energy to clean my house or make dinner, I don't have the strength to help my great grandmother out of the car and I just don't have the patience for poor TB who is stuck doing it all.  Ugh.  I don't like feeling at all helpless and thats what bouts like this feel like.  I am working really hard at PT though and feel like its helping a lot so I plan to have more energy soon.

On the other hand, TB has been pretty jerky lately so as an I'm sorry he has been cleaning our apartment.  Really cleaning it.  Cleaning it the way I used to clean it.  I am pretty OCD and any spec or spot bothers me, I don't like things out of place or unorganized and I find joy in throwin things away and having a clean space.  TB, not so much.  If it does not smell awful, the house is clean.  Needless to say we are different and I do not force him to clean the way I want to when I can't do it.  Our house is pretty spotless right now.  It is a very nice gesture to see him work so hard when I know it isn't important to him.  He even scrubbed the baseboards.

Seeing the clean house lets me exhale a little and feel a little more in control and supported.  Its hard to be the spouse of someone sick all of the time, he sure puts up with a lot.