- go through high school
- get through college
- pay off a car
- save to buy a house
- plan a wedding and get married
- get a promotion
- travel the world
- start a family
- make a goal
- reach a goal
- almost anything
What have I done in five years? Tried to pull myself together.
Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you. I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD. That is just insane. I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed. I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time. I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life. I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into. I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken. I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me. Guys, it is tiring. It wears me out. I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes. I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday. Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits. Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point. Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey. I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two. Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.
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