Effects of infertility

I came across this article a little while ago and wanted to share it.  While I do not necessarily agree with what some of the experts are saying, I think that its a great way to see that people are highlighting the effects of infertility and just how deep they go.  One expert in particular seems to be using this study to get more funding for IVF, I really feel like if any funding is added it should go towards mental care of the people involved.  Having a baby is a lifestyle choice and the debate about whether money should be set aside from the government to give infertile women the option to conceive is not mine to argue; but the aftershocks of losing a child or having a miscarriage is not a lifestyle choice.  People should at the very least have access to someone or something that can help repair the damage that causes.

As someone who has dealt with alcoholism in my family and mental disorders in myself and other family members I am always glad to see these things in the spotlight of information.  Too often the notions of being 'a drunk' or 'crazy' outweigh the actual facts.  It is difficult to deal with either of these things and I can absolutely see how the internal stress of infertility can cause disorders or drinking.  By no means does every woman turn to alcohol or develop a mental disorder, but this shows that many of them have the potential if they are not helped.  It is difficult to put yourself in that circumstance if you have never been there, so there is little research or information regarding the mental state of an infertile woman.  I like that someone is cataloging some of the results and again just getting the info out there into the world.  The more information there is, the easier it can be to talk about it or know where to turn.  Not everyone knows that those feelings are natural and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist may be the best answer.  Some don't even know or admit to the thoughts and feelings these ladies have talked about and in turn do not know that help is available.  It's there and it helps.  Look for it if you need it.

Character Review: Bethenny Frankel

Looking through things on line while I ate my lunch, I came across this article.  Although I don't watch her on the Housewives show she is on, or really know a lot about her in any other capacity, I immediately felt for what she said in this article.  Her emotions so mirror the ones I had and still have now.  That first flicker of 'Oh no, I wasn't planning this' gives way to the excitement only to have it taken back again.  If you read my blog at all you have seen that I carry a HUGE bag of guilt around with me from my miscarriage, feeling like it was my fault for not protecting the baby better.  Hearing that another woman logically knows it is wrong but still feels that makes me feel a little less crazy.  Oh and that fact that she says that she had a small relief that the ill timed pregnancy difficulties were no more is just wonderful to read.  (obviously wonderful is an odd term here, go with it)  I love to hear a woman be honest about loss and miscarriage because it is really REALLY hard to be honest with yourself and a whole different monster to be honest out loud to other people.  This woman is brave for being able to say these things in an interview and put herself out there.
-I have to say that personally hearing a woman who is financially independent, married, older than me and otherwise in a good place say she felt some relief really makes me pause.  I felt that small relief that I wasn't going to care for a child that I wasn't sure I was ready for and that my then fiance and I had a chance at a regular young married life together and the chance for TB to be stable and secure in a career.  Truthfully it's easier not to have a child with all that is going on in our lives right now.  But maybe that's a little selfish.  I've had some nasty insults from people who say I 'deserved' the miscarriage because we were young and not yet married, its just kinda nice to hear that someone else has been in that mindset.

Aside from all that, I just wanted to praise her for her honesty.

Its been a long time been a long time been a long lonely lonely lonely tiiime

I know its been a while guys but man, I have been going through a lot lately.  We've been working like mad to save for our vacation and our cruise deposit for my brother's wedding next year, my MIL was in the hospital and my grandmother and great grandmother were in and out a few times too.  Difficult work stress plus trying to find the energy to live life.  We started a crazy project to clean the WHOLE house out all at once cause I'm smart.  I had an evaluation with the Doc and I have been waiting not so patiently for the results.  I have been stressing about the choices I will need to make very soon and all that comes with that.  And then there's that precarious balance between I need to make my own decision about my body and you're my husband so I want your input.

The biggest thing I have dealt with lately seems to be my meds though.  They are forever tweaking and changing and reevaluating the meds I get since I am in another experimental trial.  I go to the doctor four times a week, twice to get my blood work done and checked and twice to get GIANT shots to pump me full o meds.  Fun.  These things make me SOOOOOOO sick it's just awful.  I hate it.  I have no energy, I get nothing done, I can barely make it to work and back some days.  My immune system is down again so my allergies are killing me and I am staying VERY far away from anyone that may be sick or look sick or seem sick or stood near someone else that seemed sorta sick.  I just can't afford to be wiped out with something stupid like a cold right now.

Well these meds are kicking my ass so the logical next step is to up the dosage.  Yaay.  This is the third week on the new dosage and the first week I looked like the walking dead for five days (that 5x the days I looked shitty on the previous dosage just so you have a reference) but the second week and now today I am feeling surprisingly good.  I have gotten lots of projects done at work and helped clean up the house, I have even had energy to help with dinner which almost never happens anymore.

So I have this theory... it is completely in my own mind and has no actual medical basis, I'm just kinda hoping that I'm right.  So you know when you're in a car accident or something and they give you pain killers?  Well as long as you are in a ton of pain the pain killers just sorta soak that up, and when you take one and you are in less pain they make you kinda high and loopy.  The pills work when there is pain to counteract and they have side effects (whether you see them as good or bad is up to you I guess) when they aren't being used up.  Well I am hoping that the new dosage is actually working and that is why I have the energy to do stuff.  I am hoping that I was feeling bad before when they weren't working and now that I am feeling ok that's a sign they are working.  Makes a little sense right?  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just crazy.

Five Minute Friday-Enough

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)

Enough


I have been absent from my blog for a while now since I have been going through some difficulties in life.  This seems like the perfect topic to jump into where I am at in my recovery process right now. 

I've had enough.

I have just had enough of trying the same meds that are not working and zap all of my energy and make me feel so sick.  I seriously cannot keep water down once a week.  It's not fun.  More than the awful side effects, I am just through sitting around and hoping things will work out.  I trust my doctor very much and I generally take his advice but I just can't sit still any longer.  At my last evaluation visit I told him that when we meet to discuss the results he needs to schedule a little extra time and plan on going through my options with me because I have had enough of all of this.  I am ready to make some decisions and move forward, whichever direction forward takes me.  I have had enough days feeling crappy I have had enough pills and meds and shots.  I have had enough 'wait and see.'

I've just had enough.

I basically have four options and none of them are good, I am not looking forward to any of them but something has to be done.  After five long years dealing with these problems and three years of recovery I have had enough and I need to DO something, anything really, that will change the situation. 

I really feel like I have enough strength to make the right choice for my body and my future.

5 years

Things you can do in five years:

• go through high school
• get through college
• pay off a car
• save to buy a house
• plan a wedding and get married
• get a promotion
• travel the world
• start a family
• make a goal
• reach a goal
• almost anything

What have I done in five years?  Tried to pull myself together.

Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you.  I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD.  That is just insane.  I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed.  I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time.  I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life.  I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into.  I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken.  I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me.  Guys, it is tiring.  It wears me out.  I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes.  I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday.  Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits.  Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point.  Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey.  I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two.  Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.