Fine Then....

Posted an article on my FB page and I got the wrong reaction.  I was simply pointing out that it was an interesting article and I thought maybe someone would see it and think about the things they post, not neccesdarily change them but think about it.  The article stresses that these women are not upset with anyone who posts and would even post their own news if they could.  Maybe you'll enjoy it more. 

 

Halloween party tomorrow, putting all my energy into that so there is no time to feel sad this weekend =)

Infertile couples cope with prolific Facebook friends

www.washingtonpost.com

Your children will be evil

Feeling crappy again today and in pain so I thought I'd think about something happier.

We are throwing a big Halloween party this weekend and I am going as Regan from The Exorcist.  This made me think about children's names.  My husband was recently watching Pet Semetary and thought that Gage was short for Gagery  (you know, like Gregory, he says to me lol)  This made me think of children's names again. 
For a while I have always thought if I had kids I would want to name them Damion, Reagan and Gage.  Yes, Damion is the kid from The Omen.  Yes, I want to name my children after creepy/possessed/undead/murderous children from horror movies I love.  Some may think its a little strange but I love those names separate from the movies and also happen to love the movies.  (I'm a big horror movie fan)

So I told my mom this a couple years ago and she laughed and told me if I name my kids that my children will be evil.  Which cracked me up.  I was thinking about that this week and it made me laugh again so I thought I'd share.  My mom named one of her sons after a rapist from a soap opera and he turned out just fine lol.  Actually he turned out better than fine so maybe the reverse psychology thing works with names too.  My mom says it always worked on me since I'm so stubborn lol.

Do you think thats strange?

Sick of this

Feeling exhausted, overstressed and useless this week so far.  We are throwing a big party on Saturday that takes a lot of work to get ready for, but we have everything planned out and with my husband T no longer working nights we have plenty of time to get it all done.  I don't think thats it.  Went to the Dr and the swelling is finally down from my procedure last month which means that my muscles are releasing the last of the steroids and medication that was stored from that time.  So basically just feeling crappy.  All the estrogen they gave me made me get a migraine which sucks, my uterus hurts more than usual today which also sucks and I have not been sleeping which sucks too.  Basically things suck and I am not liking that cause I have a lot to do and focus on.  If this stupid sickness crap keeps screwing up my plans I'm gonna start getting angry and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Everybody but me

I read tarot cards and recently read for several people over the past week and in most of them the idea that someone was gonna have a baby came up.  Whether you believe in that stuff or not is not the point, it just made me think that everybody seems to get a baby but me.  =(
(of course this is an exageration but unfortunately not a large one)

I am happy for the people in my life who are able to create life but it always hits just the right spot to shock my just a little.  It always seems when I am feeling good about myself and my situation something comes along and smacks me in the face.  You can't have what you want, you're sick and tired, you are damaged and unworthy.  It sucks.  I don't like the idea that I feel anything but happy when someone tells me this exciting news.  Of course I am never unhappy with that person, just unhappy with myself.

So I just baby my cats and treat them like my kids and overcompensate to the point where I think I may be a little crazy.

Men miscarry too

So often I have heard people say they are sorry for my loss, but I have heard very few say the same to my husband.  True, he has not had constant medical problems for the last 3 years but he still lost his child.  I think it is important for people to acknowledge his loss and his struggle.  This is unfortunate because it perpetuates the idea that he did not lose and he cannot grieve.

Actually, along that thought process I have come in contact with many who believe NEITHER of us lost or should grieve.  I agree with pro-choice and the idea that in order to make that legal you have to legally decide when a fetus is a child or person.  So I guess technically I lost my unborn child or even my fetus but lets be honest we lost our baby.  I don't even think that is the real reason people brush it off, I think people just don't understand that loss (thankfully)  and don't know how to treat it.  Is it really better to know your child and see them grow before they pass away?  Does that make them more real or more meaningful?  Isn't it just as bad NOT to know your child before you lose them?  Some have given me a hard time or don't understand why I can't move on.  If I had a toddler who was... hit by a car would you ask why it's taking so long for me to move past it?  If my baby died of SIDS would you say at least it happened early?  I didn't think so.  My grief is valid, my husband's grief is valid and I don't have to explain that to anyone.

Checklist

Part of my process to heal and work through my loss and current medical problems is to accept that I probably cannot have children naturally, I have been working on thinking positively and focusing on finding a space where I can accept that.  I am a list person and love to make plans, lists and calendars to see what needs to be done so here goes....

 

Positive things that could happen in a childless future

• My husband and I can travel easily and more often
• We can decorate our house the way we want without thinking about child-proof solutions
• We are able to be more spontaneous and get up and do something without considering a baby sitter
• We can go to concerts, clubs, parties and other late night things we want to
• I don't have to watch my frequent swearing at home
• We can be the fun aunt and uncle who buy presents the parents don't always like (such as giant squirt guns and crayons for the window) to the children our brothers, cousins and friends eventually have
• We don't have to change diapers
• We aren't woken up in the middle of the night
• We can sleep in
• We can spend our time and money doing things we love that we may not have time/money for otherwise
• We can spoil and pamper other children in our lives without guilt
• We can play with and enjoy other people's children but ultimately their parents will have to take them home when they sugar crash
• Maybe we can be the people other children come to when they have an issue they don't want to talk to their parents about and we can help them
• We don't have to worry about disciplining them
• We aren't constantly worried about bullies, college funds, bad influences, school lunches, birthday parties, manners, Internet predators, baby snatchers or kids with cell phones
• We can be a little selfish
• We can have date night (not that that happens now lol)
• My husband promised me years ago that if we cannot have children I can have as many cats as I want =)

Traditions

I spent a great night carving pumpkins with my husband TB and three of my friends.  I am a Halloween junkie and anything to do with the holiday makes me just giddy so carving pumpkins is one of my favorite things to do.  But it really got me thinking this morning as I passed our creations when I left for work, this is a tradition I love that gives me fond memories of my family growing up.  A pang of sadness hit when I thought I'd never get to share this with my own kids.  Growing up we were the kids that insisted on painting easter eggs when we were still in high school and I still come home to do things like that.  We are all pretty creative in my family and loved to paint eggs, carve pumpkins, decorate the tree and shoot fireworks.  We enjoyed seeing who could make the best jack o lantern or the coolest egg or light the biggest firework and pull out the ornaments my mom gives us each year.  I have very happy memories of doing those things every year with them.  What was I gonna do now that I would never be able to pass that along?
I thought however, that this year was the third year we had our friends over to carve pumpkins with our friends.  CZ was the first, then SC last year and this year BZ.  It is fun to put out snacks and each pick which pumpkin we want then comtemplate our designs and tease the one who takes the longest.  A brick might as well have smacked me across the face when I realized that we are continuing the tradition I loved as a kid with the people we love now and that is the important part of a tradition.  Watching how excited CZ gets when hers lights up is what makes it so fun.  When I thought some more I remembered that for 2 years friends have come over to dye easter eggs, and how happy my mother in law was when I helped her decorate her tree each year while her sons were busy and the look on my husband's face when we introduced him to backyard fireworks.  I can keep my traditions alive with the people I love even if those people don't happen to be my kids.  As TB and I grow we will merge ours together and maybe create some new ones and carry on the important part of our traditions.

So when are you gonna have a baby?

This is the question I dread THE most when I am talking to people.  Most of my friends and family are either aware of my medical situation or are aware that I do not want to talk about having children however, 99% of the other people I come into contact with have the same thing to say.  'Oh you're married?  You're so young.'  Well my husband and and I have been together the last 7 years, married for 2 1/2 now so its been a while.  'Wow.  So when are you gonna have a baby?'

I realize that is the usual progression in most people's heads; go to school, get a job, get married, start a family, retire.  To be honest my plan was not too far from this one, but not everyone thinks of this as their lifelong timeline.  I also realize that unless you or someone you know has experienced reproductive problems, you don't know that this can be a hurtful question, and I try to act accordingly.

BUT OH MY GOD I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS QUESTION!
(I just typed all of that with 9 fingers because I was holding down the shift key then  realized as I was done I should have used the caps button-dumb)

Whether I had problems or not I think I would be sick of this question.  When I want to have a baby is none of your damn business and when people ask me if we're 'trying'  all I can think about is why does this person want to know if I am sleeping with my husband? 

I'm sensitive about this subject so I'm sure I am more irritated than most by this but I mean COME ON!  I have been hearing that since we got engaged which means since I was 20.  20?  Am I seriously the only person who thinks 20 is still pretty young to be planning out their family?  I don't see anything wrong with people who do plan their family young but I think its young for other people to expect that I already have it planned out.  I would probably not want kids for another 5 or more years if all of this had not come up.  I would blissfully tell people I am not planning on having kids soon without the weird tension.  Or at least as much weird tension. 

Just to clarify though, I really don't have a huge problem with people who ask me once nicely as small talk.  If we are just meeting or something similar comes up in conversation and someone says 'When do you plan on having kids?'  or 'Are you and your husband thinking about a baby?'  I generally just try to smile and say we are not thinking about that right now and/or we are young and haven't been married that long.  The people I have a problem with are the ones that ask me EVERY TIME THEY SEE ME or who ask WHEN I am going to have a baby like I'm required to.  Specifically the ones who ask continuous questions after I try to change the subject and do not drop the issue make me boiling mad.  If someone asks and I tell them we are not thinking about it, some of them ask me WHY!  Don't ask me WHY!  How the hell is that any of their business?  I try to stay calm and answer with something about being young and not married long like I said before.  But some people continue to ask questions.  Usually after the third time I have answered a question nicely and tried to change the subject I tell them that I have on going medical issues that prevent me from ever having children of my own and I don't want to talk about it so I would appreciate it if they stopped asking me.  This pretty much shuts everybody up.  Unfortunately some people still ask inappropriate questions. 

Friends and relatives are generally excluded and of course each person feels differently about this issue.  I myself am learning to be more open about my medical problems and less defensive, secretive or ashamed of them.

I hope this doesn't make anyone scared to ask I just hope it makes you think before you ask.  Think about how you ask questions, you never know what someone else is going through.  Think about who you are asking, if you don't know this person should you really be asking about private things if they aren't forthcoming with the information?  Think about why you are asking, are you trying to find the best way to comfort a friend or are you satisfying your own curiosity?  Lastly, pay attention to what a person is saying and not saying and how they respond to the question.  If they change the subject, go with it because they probably don't want to talk about it.  If they give you a generic answer or say something vague, you probably shouldn't dig further unless there is a specific reason.  I know I would appreciate some courtesy from strangers.

Traits

Is it worth not having children because you are scared to pass down traits you dont like about yourself or in a relative?  Does it make sense to pick your mate based on breeding characteristics first?  Is it harder to find someone who has the traits you would want your child to posess or to teach your child to forgo those characteristics they have control over?  Nurture vs Nature?  Should maximum breeding be your priority?  Is that old fashioned?  Why do so many young women have reproductive problems?  Is it the hormones in our meat, milk and water?  Is it the pressure to look and act unhealthy?

My mind is full of questions today, not much else to say.

Disconnected

My computer is dying again so I had no Internet all weekend.  Sucks.  This just means my computer genius brother A will have to come and try to fix it again. Ugh.

As I have said before my husband and I are very different.  We probably couldn't be more different from one another if we tried to be.  This weekend we came upon on a discussion that I just can't get out of my head.  I was on the computer writing (this is shortly before it stopped working) and he was outside grilling steaks for dinner.  YUM!  He peeked his head in and asked how my blog was going.  He knows that I have been struggling with our loss for the last few years and that I started this with trepidation so he has been very sweetly asking me how its going.  I told him that I was enjoying the feeling of getting my thoughts out in some form and the idea that I might share something was stimulating.  He smiled and said thats good cause he has been wondering but had not read it before he went back outside.  I went on the patio and told him that I wanted to make sure that he knew that I was not saying anything bad about him and it was not private and if he wanted to he was welcome to read my thoughts and just as welcome no to.  I just wanted him to know I had no objections or feelings either way.  He told me that reading it might be too hard.  Unfortunately T has been suffering silently in his own head since it happened and his feelings only come up in subject changes ang passive aggressive tendencies. 

It got me thinking, I have always thought it is best to handle a problem head on, to confront it and push through it until it is no longer a problem.  T feels the opposite way and ignores it until it goes away or becomes something he can handle.  I have tried my way for years and I still break down and cry and get bitter and upset I still have very strong feelings.  Maybe his way is something to try. 

Either way it makes me feel very disconnected from him when he lets me see he hurting but won't let me help.  But thats just me really trying to help and fix everyone and everything.  My way just makes me feel disconnected from the rest of the world.  I guess there's no right answer.

measurements

It has been just about six weeks since my last hospital visit where I took place in an experimental trial program to help some of my problems.  One of the biggest issues has been that when I lost the baby I was at about 4 1/2 months so my uterus had been stretched quite a bit.  Well, After I lost the baby I got an infection that they could not find and then could not kill.  So my uterus did not contract and shrink back to the size it was supposed to, about as big as a fist, it is just squished into a pile of wrinkled muscle.  The fact that it won't shrink down is part of the reason I am not healing as best as I could be so they have tried a couple different things to make it contract.
At the end of August the doctors and I agreed to join an experimental trial that is mostly took place in Tennessee, where my doctor is currently working.  I took some medication that was essentially going to put my through labor.  The idea is that the contractions would jump start my body to contract my uterus.  I spent a weekend in agony having labor pains with no hope of a child at the end of the misery.  Sounds crazy, I know.

Well today they are taking measurements of my stomach (not fun) and my uterus in order to track the progress of contraction.  It is supposedly a very slow process and unfortunately will not cause me to instantly drop several inches.  Damn!
All my biopsies came back and although nothing has changed yet, the swelling around my belly has gone down and the muscles in my uterus itself are 'active'.  Not 100% sure what that means since they stressed that nothing has changed yet.  But it sounds better than 'you're dying'  or 'this might hurt' so what the hell?  I am definitely not going to be tracking my own weight loss or inches loss because I don't do that.  I do have to say however that although I am a big girl since the miscarriage, I wasn't always and maybe this will help that situation.  (that would be a lovely side effect)

Wish me luck!

Can I get a crystal ball?

Many times I wonder what my life would be like if I had not lost my baby.  I think about all the things that might be different.  More specifically though, I wonder what my marriage would be like.
You see, I have been with my husband since 2004, about 6 1/2 years now.  We were engaged in October of 2006 and got married in June of 2008.  In between that time we went through a lot.  We moved in together just a month or so before he proposed (which is a hilarious story I wish I could tell you), and at that time he found out that his parents were getting a painful and abrupt divorce.  This ended up being very hard for him and took a while to resolve.  Just a month before moving in together my father decided to end several years of drinking and self destructing to be sober.  Working through the many years of fights, arguments and seeing or hearing things you should never be exposed to as a child was difficult for me and took a long time to work out.  I am happy to say that he and I have a very different relationship now and time helped us heal.  In very early April of 2007 I found out that I was a couple months pregnant and that was a trial of its own.  Being young, unmarried and working minimum wage jobs, getting pregnant was scary and unexpected.

I would just like to say however, that we were using 2 different forms of contraceptives at the time and it still happened.  Nothing is a sure thing if you choose to have sex.

Learning I was pregnant caused a big fight and the strain was hard because I felt very isolated.  After a couple of weeks he came to terms with everything and was excited to start a family together.  For some reason I had a terrible feeling about the pregnancy and did not want to share it with others but his exuberance overtook my fears and we told our families.  Both were very happy and excited and I was relieved to see they were supportive and not upset.  (we were 20 and 21 after all)

On May 8th, 2007, E, someone my husband and I both consider one of our best friends killed himself unexpectedly. E was planning on spending some time sitting in jail to pay off some court fees so we planned a big party with all of our friends so that he could have a good time before we went away for a while.  That afternoon when my husband got home he called E as usual to pick him up and hang out at our place.  E spent several nights a week at our apt.  When my husband called, E's mom answered the phone and told him that E had hung himself.  My poor husband spent a few hours waiting for me to get home trying to surround himself with friends.  When I got off work he was at the apt with our friend R and they told me.  I just didn't believe them.  I never imagined that was possible.  We went to E's house and met with his family.  They asked us to help them out by calling his friends.  They gave us a list of names and numbers scrawled in E's handwriting.  I spent the rest of that night and the next day calling the couple dozen people on the list and a few others.  I never thought telling a stranger someone they cared about died could be so hard on me.  Explaining each and every time what happened and when the funeral was.  The funeral was later that week and we attended of course.  E's family asked us to give them some memories to read in the eulogy, hearing them from his step mom made them seem so far away.  Walking out of the funeral J asked me what that belly was about under my shirt.  I took a breath and told my friends I was 4 months along.  They were all happy.  One of our friend's girlfriends was pregnant also and when we went to the bar we were put in the 'preggo section'  which meant they sat far away from us to smoke and came back to drink while we had water.  They made it fun.

I had had an initial visit to my regular doctor who gave me vitamins and information and a preliminary test showing I was 3 months along in April.  About a week after the funeral I made an appointment with the OBGYN and my husband took some time off work because we were told we might be able to hear the heartbeat that visit.  We went to the doctor's office grinning in anticipation of seeing our new life for the first time.  When I received the sonogram though, there was no heartbeat.  I was checked several times and after running some tests the doctor told us that I had not technically miscarried yet but the baby was no longer alive.  Looking at that screen seeing no movement and hearing no heartbeat is when my life truly changed.  I really feel like something broke in me at that point that has not been repaired.  May never be repaired.  We made an appointment to come back the next day for the surgery required to remove what was my child from me.  I didn't think I could wait that long, unfortunately I didn't have to.  That night I had a natural miscarriage at home.  That is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced emotionally and physically.  That night led to the infection that took forever to find and even longer to get rid of.  I am now in recovery and have a new and strange procedure every 3 months, which comes along with its own set of side effects and circumstances.



Someday I want to look at our first years together and say it eventually made us stronger.  I cannot say that yet, but someday.

Its been too long to still be at the beginning of my journey

So today is October 13th.  10/13/07 was supposed to be my due date.  I could potentially have a 3 year old child.  That can't be right can it?  Wow, I think it is.  A three year old.  Damn.
I imagine a little boy with shaggy brown hair just like his dad's running around my apt chasing the cats or getting into something.  He's like a little ghost that lives with me and reminds me of what I don't have.  I only see him once in a while in the corner of my eye or disappearing through a door but I can always feel him around me.  Helping me.  Haunting me.  Keeping me company whether I want it or not.  Peering over my shoulder, I glimpse him sometimes and ask why he stays around.  I never seem to get an external answer but my heart tells me I haven't moved on from the loss.  I sometimes see him in my backseat when I am running an errand just looking back at me with the eyes I get from my father.  I would think his hair would turn strawberry in the summer when we play outside and his smile reminds me of my middle brother.  He is stubborn and goofy and silly and smart.  He is independent and affectionate and loves attention.  He is an amalgam of my family and my husband's family.  He would probably grow up to love sports of some kind, since it is something we enjoy so much, and get excited to see my father in law on TV on the sidelines of a game.  My dad would teach him goofy words and which teams to root for.  Probably buy him a baseball and cap.  It is impossible to tell which of our mothers would spoil him more because both are such nurturing, loving souls.  When I go to the store the tiny Halloween socks and UT jerseys beckon me to buy them for someone I no longer have. 

Of course this is all just in my imagination.  He was never able to experience any of those things.  Neither was I.  Neither was my husband.  Neither was our family.

Sometimes I get upset to feel him around me and guess the things he would love and cherish.  Sometimes it comforts me because for a small moment I can imagine he is with me.  Most often it just makes me sad to think of who he could have been and what he could have done.  I would love to watch him become his own person.  Maybe in mind he will.  Maybe as I grow older so will my ghost.  To be honest I can't tell if I want that to happen or not.  I think the healthy thing would be to accept what has happened and grieve and eventually these delusions will fade away.  But am I not grieving now?  Have I not accepted this already?  Maybe I am kidding myself.  Maybe I haven't processed anything and these thoughts and images are all part of a crazy coping strategy I have come up with to keep myself from feeling worst.  Maybe it has finally happened and I snapped and am so crazy that I see my child running after me throughout my day.

No matter which is true, I still find it unsettling even when I don't mind that he is around.

How can someone truly feel happiness with a ghost staring at them with eyes that ask them why?  How can you laugh and smile honestly when your heart is so heavy?  How can you look through your child and know you will never know who they were and get out of bed in the morning?  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I lay in my bed curled in a ball feeling cold and alone.  Sometimes I fake it.  Sometimes I try to push it out of my mind and pay attention to something easier.  Sometimes I trick myself.  Sometimes I almost feel like things are gonna be ok.  But every time I do I catch that little ghost boy out of the corner of my eye with hair like his dad and a smirk on his face and I collapse all over again.  I feel it all over again.  I fall backwards into my depression and sit there until I find the strength to climb my way back out.  It is a slow, difficult cycle that drains my emotions and pulls at my fibers until I feel like I have been unraveled on the floor and I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering what would have been.

I am at least lucky to have friends and family who are loving and supportive when I reach out to them.

Restrictions

My doctor has put me under some restrictions that are supposed to help me optimize my healing efforts.  I am not allowed to lift anything over 20 lbs (up from 10 six months ago), I cannot do any cardio or raise my heart rate significantly and I cannot participate in any contact sports.  The sports thing is pretty easy to do since I haven't played mud football since I was in middle school but cardio kinda sucks cause that makes it hard to lose any weight.  The worst thing is that I can't lift much.  Today my husband and I went to the store and bought some Halloween decorations and he wouldn't let me carry the giant ghoul-monster thing we got.  Its only made of fabric so I felt kinda dumb even though he was being nice.  =( 

Its the little things.....

I love you guys

I just wanna say that I have very supportive and wonderful friends and family members =)


btw-happy coming out day =)

Envy and Bitterness

My mom said something interesting to me the other day.  She told me that she's afraid if either of my brothers had a baby any time soon she thinks I would be upset, sad and resentful.  Considering both of my brothers are younger than I am ( 20 and 22), I don't think they will have kids right now but you never really know.  I have been insisting that my youngest brother is 8 for many years now because I just don't want them to grow up)  I'm pretty sure that I would be happy for them however, I can see why she may be concerned.  When I think about it I have only had a difficult time accepting two people I know becoming pregnant and believe me there have been many more than that over the last three years that have been.  In both cases where it was hard I had a specific issue with that person that made it difficult.  Any other times I have been very happy and even organized or participated in their baby showers.  Sure I'm gonna be just a little sad, but the people I love deserve children and happiness (not that one denotes the other) and I always smile to hear they are lucky enough to procreate.

If you are in a similar position how do you feel?  Are you upset when someone near you gets pregnant?  Is it only specific people or situations?  How do you handle other people's perceptions of your feelings?

Zombie Moans

In incredible pain today and cannot seem to soothe it.  I have constant, daily pain but its usually dull or at least I'm used to it enough to deal with it.  Some days it is better and some days, like today, its much worst.  I have been laying in my bed moaning like a zombie for two days now and not much has helped.  Hopefully it will calm down when I go to work tomorrow because I am too busy to call in and my co-workers will probably not appreciate my random swears and yells when I get frustrated with the pain.   Wish me luck.

24 going on 80

My mom reminded me this week while she was consoling me that I'm turning 25 in about two months.  That seems like such a small number compared to the other numbers in my life.  Its definitely smaller than the number of doctor visits I've had this year.  Its smaller than the times I've cried myself to sleep this year.  Its smaller than the number of people who have asked me why we haven't decided to have kids this year.  Its smaller than the number of times I thought my marriage would fall apart this year.  Its smaller than the milligrams of medication I take every day.  Its smaller than the number of times I have had to see the empty sonogram screen when they examine my uterus since it happened.  It is way too small an age to deal with the problems I am currently dealing with.  Can I really only be 25?  I feel like I'm 80 and it sucks.

I'm finally off the steroid injections so I am starting to get some of my energy back but I'm still so tired.  Some days I cannot will myself into the kitchen to heat up a frozen dinner.  I just lay in my bed with my cat and think or cry or watch bad TV.  (most of which reminds me that I'm all alone btw)

I'm tired and cranky and depressed.  That is not how I thought my 80th.. I mean 25th birthday would look.  I feel very old.  I feel like I could have lived 8 lives in my short 24.8 years.  Somehow while I was taking care of everyone else around me that asked for it (and some that didn't) I forgot how to take care of myself.  I always felt that some of the things I have experienced in my life are unfortunate but that my life has helped me be who I am.  I don't think I could be as strong and outspoken about my convictions if I had lived a life not wanting.  I feel like my life is mine and I own the experiences 100% good or bad.  However, this time feels different.  I feel very broken and exposed.  I don't ever think I will be the same person I was before.  That is a very uncomfortable and unusual feeling for me.  Through all the other trials in my life I have felt I was always the same core person and each new proceeding gave me another layer of armor, took away a layer, gave me a new perspective or idea or in some way enhanced the thoughts and feelings I already had.  I guess the distinction is previous things shaped me this seems to have changed me completely.  I was the 10 year old who told everyone I wanted to be a lawyer because I thought I could argue my case well.  Strong willed and stubborn are understated descriptions.  Suddenly I feel like there is no path in front of me and while in the past I have made my own, today I find myself wandering aimlessly trying to fight my way through the brush of everyday life. It shouldn't be such a struggle just to exist.

Putting my thoughts 'on paper' makes me see I need to find an avenue of change.  So.... I will be challenging myself to think a little differently before my birthday actually comes around and I can start my year off in a better place.  What that challenge is just now, I'm not sure.  Suggestions could be helpful.

Everyday tasks

This week I freaked out and had a mini meltdown in Target.  They just rearranged the one by my place so I don't know where everything is and I was looking at the neat Nick and Nora pajamas with the dancing skeletons on them when I accidentally wandered into the kids section.  I suddenly found myself surrounded by tiny Longhorns jerseys, baby onesies and Halloween costumes that were so cute.  I was tearing up touching all the soft fabric and the teeny clothes that fit in my hand and wondered if I would ever get to shop in that section for myself. 
In a moment of clarity I decided to get away from those items and look at something that would make me happier, shoes.
I considered buying a pair of super tall black heels that I would probably rarely wear and tried to decide if i wanted rain boots that were big enough to fit over my sneakers or not.  Then as I turned to walk down the next aisle with a small smile starting on my face, I was face to face with the tiniest Converse shoes I had ever seen and it all started again.  I sat on the floor between the shoe aisles and cried like an idiot at Target.

I find it is the everyday tasks I try to do that hurt the most.  When I am working or laughing or doing something mundane and unexpectedly I am reminded that the thing most people take for granted as an inevitable part of their life may never be mine.  Or worst, a specific situation or expression from my husband will sit in my brain and force me to relive something I never wanted to go through.

Its the little things....

Where to start?

Ok....... I am brand new to this thing and have never posted a web site or blog before so bare with me.

In 2007 I had a miscarriage in my second trimester and the complications that caused have left me with a damaged uterus and fallopian tubes as well as multiple side effects.  The infection after the miscarriage was strange and rare and took more than a year to find and diagnose and another year to cure.  I am now in month 11 of my recovery out of 26 months total.

Its hard to say what has effected me most but what I can definitely say that it has effected me.  This process has taken a toll on my marriage, my bank account, my health, my friendships, my family members, my work, my self esteem and nearly every other part of my life.  I am the type of person who handles situation, solves problems and takes control of the difficult things; having something I cannot control and cannot change or move past has been an unusual feeling.

More than anything else I hope that some of what I say helps somebody who comes across this and is in a similar situation or knows someone who is.  Airing my wounds and issues might help someone who is feeling alone or uncertain.  I know it is hard for me to ask for help.

I consider myself a mother without a child so stay tuned to see me work through that...

Please feel free to comment and pass this along to friends and family.