Many times I wonder what my life would be like if I had not lost my baby. I think about all the things that might be different. More specifically though, I wonder what my marriage would be like.
You see, I have been with my husband since 2004, about 6 1/2 years now. We were engaged in October of 2006 and got married in June of 2008. In between that time we went through a lot. We moved in together just a month or so before he proposed (which is a hilarious story I wish I could tell you), and at that time he found out that his parents were getting a painful and abrupt divorce. This ended up being very hard for him and took a while to resolve. Just a month before moving in together my father decided to end several years of drinking and self destructing to be sober. Working through the many years of fights, arguments and seeing or hearing things you should never be exposed to as a child was difficult for me and took a long time to work out. I am happy to say that he and I have a very different relationship now and time helped us heal. In very early April of 2007 I found out that I was a couple months pregnant and that was a trial of its own. Being young, unmarried and working minimum wage jobs, getting pregnant was scary and unexpected.
I would just like to say however, that we were using 2 different forms of contraceptives at the time and it still happened. Nothing is a sure thing if you choose to have sex.
Learning I was pregnant caused a big fight and the strain was hard because I felt very isolated. After a couple of weeks he came to terms with everything and was excited to start a family together. For some reason I had a terrible feeling about the pregnancy and did not want to share it with others but his exuberance overtook my fears and we told our families. Both were very happy and excited and I was relieved to see they were supportive and not upset. (we were 20 and 21 after all)
On May 8th, 2007, E, someone my husband and I both consider one of our best friends killed himself unexpectedly. E was planning on spending some time sitting in jail to pay off some court fees so we planned a big party with all of our friends so that he could have a good time before we went away for a while. That afternoon when my husband got home he called E as usual to pick him up and hang out at our place. E spent several nights a week at our apt. When my husband called, E's mom answered the phone and told him that E had hung himself. My poor husband spent a few hours waiting for me to get home trying to surround himself with friends. When I got off work he was at the apt with our friend R and they told me. I just didn't believe them. I never imagined that was possible. We went to E's house and met with his family. They asked us to help them out by calling his friends. They gave us a list of names and numbers scrawled in E's handwriting. I spent the rest of that night and the next day calling the couple dozen people on the list and a few others. I never thought telling a stranger someone they cared about died could be so hard on me. Explaining each and every time what happened and when the funeral was. The funeral was later that week and we attended of course. E's family asked us to give them some memories to read in the eulogy, hearing them from his step mom made them seem so far away. Walking out of the funeral J asked me what that belly was about under my shirt. I took a breath and told my friends I was 4 months along. They were all happy. One of our friend's girlfriends was pregnant also and when we went to the bar we were put in the 'preggo section' which meant they sat far away from us to smoke and came back to drink while we had water. They made it fun.
I had had an initial visit to my regular doctor who gave me vitamins and information and a preliminary test showing I was 3 months along in April. About a week after the funeral I made an appointment with the OBGYN and my husband took some time off work because we were told we might be able to hear the heartbeat that visit. We went to the doctor's office grinning in anticipation of seeing our new life for the first time. When I received the sonogram though, there was no heartbeat. I was checked several times and after running some tests the doctor told us that I had not technically miscarried yet but the baby was no longer alive. Looking at that screen seeing no movement and hearing no heartbeat is when my life truly changed. I really feel like something broke in me at that point that has not been repaired. May never be repaired. We made an appointment to come back the next day for the surgery required to remove what was my child from me. I didn't think I could wait that long, unfortunately I didn't have to. That night I had a natural miscarriage at home. That is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced emotionally and physically. That night led to the infection that took forever to find and even longer to get rid of. I am now in recovery and have a new and strange procedure every 3 months, which comes along with its own set of side effects and circumstances.
Someday I want to look at our first years together and say it eventually made us stronger. I cannot say that yet, but someday.
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