24 going on 80

My mom reminded me this week while she was consoling me that I'm turning 25 in about two months.  That seems like such a small number compared to the other numbers in my life.  Its definitely smaller than the number of doctor visits I've had this year.  Its smaller than the times I've cried myself to sleep this year.  Its smaller than the number of people who have asked me why we haven't decided to have kids this year.  Its smaller than the number of times I thought my marriage would fall apart this year.  Its smaller than the milligrams of medication I take every day.  Its smaller than the number of times I have had to see the empty sonogram screen when they examine my uterus since it happened.  It is way too small an age to deal with the problems I am currently dealing with.  Can I really only be 25?  I feel like I'm 80 and it sucks.

I'm finally off the steroid injections so I am starting to get some of my energy back but I'm still so tired.  Some days I cannot will myself into the kitchen to heat up a frozen dinner.  I just lay in my bed with my cat and think or cry or watch bad TV.  (most of which reminds me that I'm all alone btw)

I'm tired and cranky and depressed.  That is not how I thought my 80th.. I mean 25th birthday would look.  I feel very old.  I feel like I could have lived 8 lives in my short 24.8 years.  Somehow while I was taking care of everyone else around me that asked for it (and some that didn't) I forgot how to take care of myself.  I always felt that some of the things I have experienced in my life are unfortunate but that my life has helped me be who I am.  I don't think I could be as strong and outspoken about my convictions if I had lived a life not wanting.  I feel like my life is mine and I own the experiences 100% good or bad.  However, this time feels different.  I feel very broken and exposed.  I don't ever think I will be the same person I was before.  That is a very uncomfortable and unusual feeling for me.  Through all the other trials in my life I have felt I was always the same core person and each new proceeding gave me another layer of armor, took away a layer, gave me a new perspective or idea or in some way enhanced the thoughts and feelings I already had.  I guess the distinction is previous things shaped me this seems to have changed me completely.  I was the 10 year old who told everyone I wanted to be a lawyer because I thought I could argue my case well.  Strong willed and stubborn are understated descriptions.  Suddenly I feel like there is no path in front of me and while in the past I have made my own, today I find myself wandering aimlessly trying to fight my way through the brush of everyday life. It shouldn't be such a struggle just to exist.

Putting my thoughts 'on paper' makes me see I need to find an avenue of change.  So.... I will be challenging myself to think a little differently before my birthday actually comes around and I can start my year off in a better place.  What that challenge is just now, I'm not sure.  Suggestions could be helpful.