A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Scared out of my mind but feeling strong

Ok so today is December 31st and last night I finished my list for my 6 month mental health challenge.  I have to tell you that I am happy to have this finished but scared to death about almost every step, especially the first one.  This is the outline of my plan and I will evaluate every month to see if I need to add, change, delete or rearrange any of my steps.  Here goes.

1/10  Tell people I have a blog.  I have only told a few close friends so I am going to do something crazy scary and post it on facebook.  (Did you just hear a scream from across town?  Yes yes you did because I'm terrified.  Its gonna take a lot of coaxing to make my fingers do it.)


1/20  Make a list of fears.  I realized that I'm scared of a lot of things in the baby/pregnant/parent area and I plan to write this down so its at least out of my head and I can start to deal with it.


1/31 Evaluate.


2/10  Say my fears out loud to another person.  AHhH!!!!!!!! Scary.  Again.


2/20  Discuss my fears with someone/people.  I thought maybe a couple different people might be good so I could get some different opinions but I at least need to discuss this with someone.  Out loud.  Scary.


2/28  Evaluate.


3/10  Make a list of questions for TB.  (My husband and I don't really talk about this very much and I know we are both still very hurt from it so we agreed to make a list of questions, sans the BIG 'when' question, and talk to each other.)


3/20  Babysit someone's kid or kids.  I think this would help us, I know it would help me, and I love all my friends' kids.  =)  (looking for volunteers to enjoy an afternoon or evening out alone)


3/31  Evaluate.


4/10  Talk about questions with TB.  We will exchange questions and answer honestly.


4/20  Tell someone new about the miscarriage.  This one scares me but I think its a good idea, my husband is smart.


4/30 Evaluate.


5/10  Talk about my fears with TB.  I think giving myself time to rationalize all my fears is good before I overload my husband with all my craziness.  He has also agreed to talk about his which is HUGE.


5/20  Look into a support group.  I think maybe talking to some other people who have gone through similar medical trauma would help me put mine in better perspective


5/31  Evaluate.


6/10  Get a tattoo.  This is another suggestion from my husband.  I have wanted for a while a tattoo that symbolizes my baby and it would be a nice thing to actually do.


6/14  Assess my mental health, decide on a new 6 month plan and discuss the baby plan with TB. 

Yikes.  Seems to simple and sooooo hard.  Gonna need some help with a few of these.  If you feel like you want to you are welcome, I certainly don't expect you to if you don't want though.

Oh man, this is gonna be tough.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Get a hold of yourself!

What have you gotten yourself into mwc?
Although lists and time lines are something I enjoy and almost require when it comes to projects or ongoing things for some reason when I approach anything around the baby subject I just start to spin out of control and turn into a crazy person.  I am freaking out because I alternately feel like this challenge is too hard and not hard enough.  I constantly go between daily steps and monthly steps and each one feels too much or too little.  The thought was however, that if I put some of my workings onto 'paper' I would hold myself to something instead of flopping around from decision to decision every moment and eventually this would force me to reach a conclusion that is somewhat attainable.  After all if I spend a bunch of time coming up with an intricate and difficult solution that is a lot of work and time I don't have then I won't end up following it and it won't end up doing me any good at all.  So I will strive to be rational.  Man, it is a struggle.

So I think I have decided that I will complete 3 steps a month-a happy medium from the two extremes in my brain-and they will be on the 10th, 20th and last day of every month.  I am also thinking that one of my first steps should be writing down my fears because they are filling my head so full that pretty soon I will not be able to think breathe or move.  (I imagine sometimes my head will eventually be so full that I can no longer pick it up and walk around and I'll spend the rest of my life standing on my head and I'll be similar to the kid on Family Guy that has his head on upside down.  yea.)  Another step should probably be to discuss my fears out loud to someone and go over the ridiculous things in my head and point out the craziness of it all.  In the end I am a pretty rational person and I think that if I see and hear the crazy thoughts they will start to dissipate as I convince myself I am overreacting.  I really think this is the right thing to do I just don't quite know how to start it.  Like I said I become a lunatic when I even get close to any baby related subject.  So yea, feeling pretty screwed right now.  But, it looks like maybe I made some decisions.  Screwed.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Back to Blogging

Although my mission was to cut out unnecessary time wasting for the holidays and focus on budgeting and not being Scroogey I really missed my blog.  I feel like this is a great place for me to put the secret scary thoughts down and process through them.  So I am back to blogging and I am actually going to try blogging from my phone this week.  Yikes.


To be honest I have not started on my steps that are due by the end the week for my 6 month mental health challenge to myself but I am committed to getting them done on time and not screwing around.  So you should see those soon.  Just wanted to check in.  Thanks guys for your support.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Challenge

Ok first step in my challenge is that by the end of December (yikes coming quick) I will have a monthly goal set for myself in writing for each month until 6/14.  I also think I'll need to plan to do an assesment of my progress at the end of each month so I can revise my goals if need be.
Step one down, thousands more to go towards my recovery.

Friday, December 17, 2010

busy.

I have seriously been slacking in the blog department.  Partially because I have been crazy busy with work and the holidays and partially because I haven't had the terrible dark haunting thoughts that give me the NEED to blog each day. But I still enjoy it so I have been a little disappointed that I haven't been doing it. 
Well my leg pain is back today and it is killing me I can tell my muscles have been leading up to it all week so I'm not surprised but it still sucks.

I had a nice evening talking with my husband, mother in law and brother in law's girlfriend WH last night.  It is funny how similar her and I are and how the things she complains about are the same things I complain about so apparently those brothers are alike as well.  Other than being a short feisty redhead like me, she is strong and opinionated and has a lot of conviction, I see those things in myself.  My mil, AB, made a comment about lots of redheaded grandchildren in the future and I almost leaned in and told her she would be taking care of that because I probably can't.  Then it hit me across the face.  I would be putting the same uncomfortable guilt on her that others put on me sometimes.  It seems that it is easier than I thought to say (almost say in my case) something insensitive without thinking about it.  Why put pressure on a 19 year old girl because I don't want any pressure on me.  Luckily I was thinking clearly and did not open my giant giant mouth and put my equally large foot in it. 

-I have a fancy new phone now so I think I can update on the weekends now even though my comp doesn't work.  Woo!  (I know even less of an excuse for me not writing this week)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Challenge

So in the post http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2010/10/24-going-on-80.html from 1024/10 I decided to challenge myself by my birthday to get a handle on my craziness regarding all the miscarriage/medical crap.   Sooooooo.... my challenge is to be rid of my guilt before my wedding anniversary (picked this day only because it is exactly 6 months from my birthday).  This may be a stretch so things may be modified before then to include a more reasonable goal.  I realized when talking to my husband however, that if we are going to think of trying for a child any time in the next 10 years I am going to have to get things right in my head first.  I need just a little time to figure out the physical steps it will take to get me there so stay tuned for the road map.
Ok guilt, be gone by 6/14/11.  I can beat you!  Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Help me out would ya?

Ok so feeling down and in pain again today, leave me something inspiring on my comments please.
 -please no spiritual/religious/christmas related comments

Thanks for your help guys.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pain in the ass

So my pain went away for a week or so but its back and its angry.  I have had shooting lightning bolts of pain screeching down my legs all day long and it just sucks.  Not a lot to write about today but I can give you a small update.

  • work is crazy and it drives me nuts
  • my legs are killing me and I just wanna curl up with my cat at home
  • my husband alternately drives me crazy mad and crazy happy and I cannot figure out if thats a good or bad thing
  • at what point do I give up?  when do I tell my doc enough is enough and just cut it all out and put my head in a jar like futurama?
  • All my clothes are too small or too large because my stomach continues to swell and reduce constantly, sometimes several times in the same day
  • All my clothes are also either too cold or too hot, nothing seems to make me comfortable lately
  • I feel myself getting bitter and angry and I'm not sure how to stop it
  • I really don't want to be the person I think my body is making me

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Freak Show

I went to my doc last week for my quarterly check and he told me yet another strange explanation about the things my body is doing.  Bring on the circus freak, mwc has a new issue.

He tells me that my uterus muscles have been inactive so long now that if they do not contract within the next six months they will be completely atrophied and they will never move again.  So basically I am screwed once again.  I am doing the 'induction' in March but that is 3 months away so if that doesn't work I will have to go through it again immediately and if THAT doesn't work I will just have to live with my swollen muscles and all the pain that comes along with it.  Great.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Bad dreams

Had a terrible dream that I was living with my aunt and uncle in some trailer house and was very large and pregnant.  While standing in the kitchen my stomach starts to bleed and my uncle begins to yell that we need to go to the hospital.  I am too petrified to move and stand there bleeding from what looks like a scar across my lower abdomen.  They are asking me how far along I am and I don't know.  Things begin to swirl and as I hit the ground my body wakes up in a cold sweat. 
Not fun.  This might be my new worst fear.  Move over creepy killer clowns and dolls that talk to you, I have real issues now.

Friday, December 3, 2010

With My Luck Who Needs Enemies?

So found out yesterday that its possible that some of this could have been avoided.  Not really allowed to say what or how yet but yea I'm pretty pissed.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Here goes nothing

Ok, here goes.  Every single day I feel this weight of guilt on my chest because I let me baby die.  I did not protect him and now he is gone.  Maybe if I had taken better care of myself.  Maybe if I hadn't tried to support everyone else.  Maybe if E was still alive.  Things would be different. 

When I think about things logically I KNOW that I didn't do anything to hurt myself or my baby, when I think about it logically I KNOW there is nothing I really could have done differently, and when I think about it logically I KNOW that sometimes things just happen without cause or explanation.
But the problem is, I rarely think about it that way.  I have tried everything to explain to myself that I did nothing wrong but I cannot seem to rationalize it and deep down in my brain a scary voice chants 'you killed your baby.'  You wonder why I'm depressed and on edge?  Well how do you learn to function when every second of every day someone whispers in your ear 'you killed your baby'?  That was not at all sarcastic, if you have a suggestion, please share.  Sometimes I feel like the guy from the Twilight Zone who sees the gremlin on the wing of the plane but no one else can see it.  I see what I've done and I know that karma is after me because of it, but no one else seems to see that gremlin.  The karma thing is a separate issue for my psyche in itself (why else would it take 5+ years of being miserable to cure something that should have been 'routine'?)

So now I sound pretty crazy don't I?  In a previous post I told you about the little toddler ghost that follows me around and now I'm telling you that I have a gremlin that whispers in my ear?  Wow, mwc has finally cracked up.

When we were at the Dr and they were telling me my baby was dead but had not been 'passed out of my system' (is there a colder way to put that?) the nurses tried to explain what happened.  In the next month they seemed to find that nothing was really wrong with my body at the time and they attributed it to stress because there was no real reason I should miscarry.  I think that is the biggest reason I blame myself.  Stress.  Its no secret I live a stressful life and while I have been through some difficult times, I feel like I stress myself out more than necessary sometimes.  I take on other people's problems and feelings because I want to help them and in turn that puts stress on me.  It took a long time for me to learn to be a little selfish when it comes to my feelings.  When E died I asked his mother if there was anything I could do to help her family out and she asked if I would call all of his friends and let them know what happened.  She gave me a list of first names and phone numbers scrawled on a piece of notebook paper in his handwriting.  20+ people I called in 2 days and let them know.  Most of them were people I had never met or heard of and were friends from his high school and college days from years before I knew him.  My husband, TB, was too upset to help and broke down after listening to the first call I made.  I told him to sit with a friend and relax while I made all of the calls out of earshot by myself.  I wanted to protect my husband from his pain.  I should have been protecting my baby.  Each time I introduced myself as one of E's friends and explained that I needed to tell them something serious I had to relive the details of the suicide and listen to them break down and cry and ask me questions.  When it was nighttime and TB has finally fallen asleep I would sneak out on to the patio and cry hysterically.  I didn't want TB to feel like he needed to take care of me, I wanted to support him in his grief and be there for him.  I should have been there for my baby.  For the first few weeks I kept my agony on the inside while we attended the viewing with his family members who had lost touch and wanted stories about him.  I kept it inside when TB couldn't go to work.  I kept it inside at the funeral when it felt awkward.  I did whatever I could to bottle up my feelings and that stress killed my baby.  Its my fault and I am having a tough time living with that.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Almost Almost there

So I think I can write about my guilt tomorrow.  That is my goal.  Wish me some luck.