A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Where is the line?

I don't have a lot of time to expand on this right now but I wanted to get it down so I can mull it over.

At what point is your health other people's business?
When does worry and concern become bothersome and intrusive?
What information is appropriate to ask or comment about?

More on this later..... feel free to leave your thoughts.

Month 1 down-5 to go

Evaluate.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Reflection...

So this first month of my challenge has gone well I think, I have the following notes however.


  1. I need to blog more, instead of focusing on my challenge only I need to get my daily thoughts out.  A busy life just distracts me from how I feel, I should not skip this because its easy to skip it.
  2. I need to include some brighter notes on purpose.  Thinking only of the downside and the pain is certainly a way to get it out of my head but is it really helping me the most?  I think a lighter and/or positive post sometimes would be a good addition and a nice relief from the oppressive feelings that tend to linger.
  3. I'm wondering if anyone has any questions or suggestions?  Is there something you'd like to know?  Is there something you're going through that you'd like to discuss or approach?  Are you out there at all?  Let me know, leave a comment or e mail laeonis@hotmail.com and let me know how you feel, what you wanna hear or just say hello.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Yay

I feel so good when I know I am helping someone with my crazy ramblings to shout out MR I am happy to help you out =)  It is inspiring to know that something small and healing for me can be the same for you.  Love you darlin.

Pleased and Confused.

I've been so pleased with my previous list of possible children in my life that I haven't had a lot more to say.  I am happy to see all the people that may get something amazing someday.  =)

I have a lot of big decisions to make in the very near future regarding my court case and medical stuff, they're both very LONG stories and I'm not sure how much of them I am actually ALLOWED to share yet so there is some debate what to share with my blogging public.
BUT, basically they want to turn my small litigation case with a former doctor into a state court case to change some laws.  HUGE.  I'm not sure I'm for it.  I'm also not sure I'm against it.
My doctor wants to put my case in a medical journal and do a big case study.  This means more time at the doctor and more tests, no more money to spend though.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not sure I'm for it.  I'm also not sure I'm against it.  Starting a poll to get a general opinion on the subjects so look to the right hand side and vote if you could.  Thanks.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Lighter List

I thought I would balance out my sad and depressing list from last time with a happier one.

Kids I may/will have in my life if I don't have my own.....

  • nieces and nephews (if our brothers have children)
  • younger cousins (I have 2 cousins still in the single digits right now)
  • our friends' kids  (the ones I know already always give me a smile)
  • any future friends' kids (we're still young I'll bet there will be more)
  • foster children (if we decided to do that)
  • kids in need (any children we volunteer with at hospitals or organizations designed for those kind of relationships)
  • 2nd cousins (I haven't actually met them yet but their facebook pics are soooo cute!)
  • 2nd cousins to come (we have several cousins around our age that may have children someday)
  • blog kids (I follow a blog about a working mother with the most adorable children)
  • random silly children we smile at in stores or restaurants (I still giggle at the toddlers that stand up in the seat and babble to you)

I think that's a pretty nice list.

Monday, January 24, 2011

List of Fears

Sorry about the delay, sick from work + no Internet at home= no blogging  =(

So here's my list of fears.....

I'm scared...
  • that I'm missing something huge in my life.
  • I won't be enough for TB for the rest of our lives.
  • I will be too much for TB for the rest of our lives.
  • TB and I will never be ok again.
  • I will carry this pain with me forever.
  • I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
  • I'll have to rely on other people.
  • I won't be able to protect another child.
  • I might resent the people I love.
  • I will feel lonely forever.
  • TB is more hurt than he lets on.
  • I can't help TB with his pain.
  • I can't help my own pain.
  • TB will get impatient waiting for me to be ready.
  • TB will agree to children before he is ready.
  • someone I don't know will ask why I don't have kids.
  • I'll be rude to people who ask innocent questions.
  • of a life without kids.
  • of having another miscarriage.
  • my body will never really heal.
  • I'll never forgive myself for what happened.
  • I will smother my kids and be overprotective if I do get them.
  • I will never be the same person I was before.
  • I cannot be fixed.
  • I will never be the same person
  • TB is hurting more than I know
  • I am not there for TB because I am preoccupied with myself and my pain.
  • I talk too much about how sad/scared/crazy I am to the few people I talk to that about.
  • I'll get bitter.
  • I'll react the wrong way to my close friends/family when they get children.
  • I'll never have kids.
  • I'll have kids and be a bad mom.
  • TB isn't honest about when he wants kids.
  • I don't know what I want.
  • I won't ever know what I want.
  • I'm too scared to make a real decision.
  • I'll have another miscarriage.
  • I'll get pregnant while I'm sick and have to have an abortion or something.
  • I'll get pregnant while I'm sick and the baby will be effected by that.
  • I'll get pregnant and it will be a threatening situation.
  • We'll have to choose my life or my baby's life.
  • I'll be sick forever.
  • bills will keep us from doing what we want in the future.
  • the law suit won't go well and we won't get any compensation.
  • some stupid Dr screwed me up for the rest of my life because they didn't want to admit they were wrong.
  • I'll forever be asked 'when are you gonna have kids.
  • when I tell people we aren't planning on kids right now they will ask me why.
  • when I tell people we aren't planning on kids right now they will do the stupid 'oh sure you will, you'll change your mind'  crap.
  • my life is revolving around my problems.
  • people are nervous to talk to me about baby related stuff.
  • I'm too nervous to talk about baby stuff.
  • I'm old and sick.
  • TB will be/is overwhelmed by helping me.
  • TB will realize he needs kids and I won't be able to give that to him.
  • that I'm too scared to adopt.
  • I'll have to explain why we didn't adopt if we don't.
  • I'll feel selfish for not adopting if we don't.
  • my chances will go down.
  • one of these trial meds will hurt me more than I am now.
  • I will have irreversible effects from meds.
  • my effects will run TB off.
  • my depression will never go away.
  • no one will ever really understand.
  • I'll never be able to make my family understand.
  • I won't try to because its uncomfortable.
  • I'm relying n other too much.
  • I'll never be ready.
  • I'll feel  guilty for taking time for myself.
  • I'll feel guilty for living a nice lifestyle because I don't have kids to pay for.
  • I will be weird about other people's kids.
  • I'm broken.

Its always been a tough thing for me to actually say but its true.  I'm scared.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Listing some more

I'm scared...
  • that I'm missing something huge in my life.
  • I won't be enough for TB for the rest of our lives.
  • I will be too much for TB for the rest of our lives.
  • TB and I will never be ok again.
  • I will carry this pain with me forever.
  • I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
  • I'll have to rely on other people.
  • I won't be able to protect another child.
  • I might resent the people I love.
  • I will feel lonely forever.
  • TB is more hurt than he lets on.
  • I can't help TB with his pain.
  • I can't help my own pain.
  • TB will get impatient waiting for me to be ready.
  • TB will agree to children before he is ready.
  • someone I don't know will ask why I don't have kids.
  • I'll be rude to people who ask innocent questions.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I thought I'd start my list today.
I'm scared of a life without kids.
I'm scared of having another miscarriage.
I'm scared my body will never really heal.
I'm scared I'll never forgive myself for what happened.
I'm scared I will smother my kids and be overprotective if I do get them.
I'm scared I will never be the same person I was before.

>note<
Sorry about the crazy posts yesterday, APPARENTLY, I can only update my blog a text at a time and each text is a new entry soooooo yea.  craziness.

All fixed.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Working Mothers

I still haven't slept well and I still haven't started my list, looks like I'll be working on it the next couple of days.

I saw an article today on corporette.com that was about working women and their families, I was equally offended and intrigued by an article talking about working mothers.  There is a comment about how women self sabotage their careers because they are 'baby minded'  instead of 'reality minded.'  Oookkkkkkkkkkk, so we're all wrecking our futures because we're so crazy to have children?  Hmm.... I can't say I agree.  It does in the same article however, ask professional mothers to give professional women without children advice about what to plan for, what not to plan for and what benefits and working essentials are key.  There were some really great comments.

But aside from this strange article, I started to wonder how I would juggle a child and full time work if that ever happened for me.  I work in an office with only about 6 employees and while everyone else has showings, appointments and errands to run for work I am the sole office employee that stays at my desk from 9:30-5:30 every day.  Once in a while in a pinch I drive to the bank or make a personal errand twice a year but for the most part I am in the office taking care of things and getting my work done because it all is in the office, unlike some portions of other jobs.  So what would I do if my child had a sudden cold at school and I am the only one in the office?  Close the office?  Make my child wait?  Those are things I've never really thought of.  Everyone else has a legitimate reason not to be in the office full time and many work out of other spaces as well so its not as easy as asking someone to come in or change their schedule.  They have kids and appointments just like I might.  I am part owner of our business so although it is possible, it is more difficult to find something else if things did not work out with my schedule.  And I don't think I would want to leave, I love working with my family, I like my job and have relationships with all the owners and tenants we work with that would be hard to learn somewhere else and would be hard to replace here.

I always thought my mom had a great idea, she worked from home as a seamstress running her own business.  She was always at home when we came home from school, she was available if we needed her or got sick, she could work late if she needed to without problem because she could stop for dinner then continue and she had the ability to say its slow today I'm gonna watch a movie with my kids.  I don't foresee that option in my future at this job though.  So a little planning would be in order if I ever found a way to have my own child.  Just one more bittersweet part of my extensive journey.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Soooooooooo tired and unmotivated today....

I think I will put my list off until tomorrow because I did not sleep and do not feel well and cannot seem to get anything done.  In some pain today and moving forward with my lawsuit.  All clear on the western front.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Yea yea

In pain again today but I am told its 'good pain.'  Bite me.  Good pain is still pain and when I cannot concentrate at work or do the things I planned on it still hinders me.

Well I spoke to my doc and am especially mad today.  Since we have formally filed suit I can let you in on what has been going on since November.  A little background info first though.
When I was initially pregnant I went to my obgyn and  well the day my husband TB and I went together to hear a heart beat for the first time was the day she told me my fetus had died and I would have to have surgery.  We scheduled a D&C for the next day.  That night I had a natural miscarriage at home and expelled my uterine contents.  When I talked with my doctor the next day to ask about the D&C she told me that since it already happened naturally and I was so far along a D&C was not necessary.  So I didn't do it.  I was 4 1/2 months along and it is not the norm to have that procedure after a miscarriage at that late stage in a pregnancy.
When I started having pain and other complications I started seeing a specialist, Dr. Rodriguez, whom I love.  He has helped me for the past 3 years go through some tough stuff and worked hard to give me hope even when I am being cynical.  Things went from bad to worst and it took a year to find the infection I had and another year or more to kill it.  Now my uterus is 93% scar tissue from all of the damage and never fully contracted to its usual size so it is kind of like a big beach ball with no air in my body, flat and deflated.  About a year ago when we were trying to cure the infection we requested my records from the first doctor, she would never give them to us.  We finally had to subpoena them from her a few months ago and the shock I had when we finally got them you wouldn't believe.  My medical records had been forged.  To be fair, it is alleged at this time since we have only filed against them but we have an analyst who can show that it was done so I'm gonna go with forged until I am proven otherwise.  There are test results that have been changed on one report and a document stating I was choosing not to have a D&C procedure even though the doctor wanted me to and it was my name at the bottom in someone else's handwriting.  Somebody in that office forged my signature.  I sign literally a dozen letters every single day at work, I know what my signature looks like and that loopy feminine signature was not mine.  So yea, I am working on suing them for part of my medical bills and trying to get their license revoked.  A medical analyst says that if we had the correct records when we first asked for them we could have prevented up to 40% of my medical problems.  I could have been better 40% faster, I could have been in 40% less pain.  I could just kill someone for doing that to me.  My life has been upside down for 3 years and some of it could have been prevented.  Well, onward to court I suppose.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

That wasn't so bad

So after all of my crazy nervous scared thoughts I posted my blog on facebook and got a couple very nice responses and then not much else.  Which is what I really wanted.  Sharing a part of myself shouldn't be a big declaration but it should be available for those who want it.  A couple of acquaintance-friends reached out and said some great things or offered some help which is wonderful.  It always feels nice to know someone is around if I need them.  Of course I did not post about it for support or compliments I just wanted to get it out and off my chest.  So now it is out in the universe of my facebook and somewhere someone might get a little help and someone might get a little laugh.  I'm sure I will get both, and that's what matters most to me.

I do have to admit that I had a small heart attack when I saw that my last posts were about feeling guilt and shame.  That's just not who I am usually and thinking some old school friends or someone I haven't been in touch with for a while saw that first was a little annoying.  I guess that's just not a very good introduction and I don't feel it fits me.

I did see that my page views quadrupled since before I posted so its nice to know some people looked. =)

Well now I am looking forward to the next step.  I'm the type of person that believes in getting the demons out of your head and letting them go so I think getting all my fears on paper will help me look at them and rationalize some of them.  Maybe when I see something written down like 'my ghost child follows me around'  I will see how delusional I am and find a way to do something about it.  (newcomers, for more info check an older post Its been too long to still be at the beginning of my journey
 about the 'ghost' that follows me around.)

I also feel like some weight has been lifted, letting the link out for my blog means it isn't a secret, means it isn't hidden anymore.  I could potentially speak to other people besides CZ and SC about it without feeling the immense need to run for my Xanez Rx.

So deep breath, big sign mwc, this was a good decision.  Onward.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Today is the day....I guess

So I was just about to type 'I have a blog' into my facebook status and I had a mini freak out.  Needed a second to procrastinate so here I am.  Deep breath mwc, you can do this.

For all of you joining me through said post (coming soon I promise) today, welcome and you might need to read a few back posts to get the gist of where I am but basically you'll get it.  This is not a blog meant for other people, meant to look on the bright side or leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.  This is about me and how I feel and how I want to feel.  Join me on my journey to through recovery and my mental health challenge.  Yikes.

Step 1

Tell people I have a blog.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The shame that consumes me

Previously, I explained some of my guilt about the miscarriage and how that is affecting my first step in my challenge and keeps me from sharing my blog with others in my life.  Well there is another part to the nagging feeling that has so far kept me from posting anything about my blog or divulging it to but a few friends and family members.  That would be my shame.  I am completely ashamed of myself for a few reasons and I think that has played a big part in my feet dragging.

I am ashamed that I could not protect my baby.
I am ashamed that I may never bear a child.
I am ashamed that I feel so emotionally fragile now.
I am ashamed that the smallest things can make me upset.
I am ashamed to be weak, soft or unstable.
I am ashamed to feel the twinge of sadness in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy.
I am ashamed that my mind thinks only of me when someone else is getting what I want.
I am ashamed that I have not gotten through this.
I am ashamed to ask others for help with a problem I feel like I should be able to handle.
I am ashamed that I am a different person now than I once was.
I am ashamed because I feel like I will never be the same again.

I have never felt ashamed for anything I have done in my life, I have always owned my mistakes and used them as tools.  Regrets mean you are not learning from your situation.  This new painful feeling is not me and it sucks.  I don't know how to get rid of it.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The guilt that consumes me

I think I will start this post and then think about it and come back to it.  So this is just the minimum information for now.  More to come most likely.

I feel incredible, unfaltering guilt because I let my child die.

There.  That right there says it all I think but, maybe a little more info might help.

Every day I walk through my life and small voices whisper to me that my baby is dead and it is my fault.  I killed him, I let him die, it is my fault.

Logically, I know this is not true I did not do anything that put my fetus in danger but, that thought is so strong I can hear it in the ac vents and on the wind at night.  Sometimes I try to rationalize my craziness and tell myself that if I had not taken on so much responsibility when E died maybe I would have been less stressed.  My overwhelming need to protect my husband TB and cushion E's family from the loss made me take on the hard tasks of telling our friends, calling his friends whom I had never met, helping with some of funeral and going to and staying late at all the family/funeral related functions those couple of weeks.  Maybe if I had been more selfish, thought more about my baby and my health, then I would have my child with me physically.  Maybe had I spent every moment thinking only of him he would be here.

I had one non-alcoholic beer after my doctor said that was ok, I ate vegetables and took prenatal pills, I did not lift bend or do anything strenuous even at the very early stages, I stayed away from medicine that was not particularly given the green light from my doctor and did everything I could think of to make sure I was taking care of myself.  When I really really think about it I did everything I could do, I think.  There is still a voice that tells me it was my fault.  And now that guilt is spilling over into my life now and it fills me full of paranoid thoughts.  If I couldn't protect my baby while it was still teeny inside me then how could I protect a child out in the world?  How can I be a good mother when I don't trust myself?  How can I trust myself when I let my child die?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Not quite there yet

Couldn't quite muster the time or the guts to post about my blog on facebook yet.  Also did not find the time or the guts to post on my blog about my guilt that is scaring me out of posting about my blog.  Thought I'd share this though.

Wish me luck cause we are 5 days from my goal and I am NOT five days from being ok with it. 

Scared again.  -giant giant sigh

Monday, January 3, 2011

Excited/Scared/Excited/then scared again

As you can see from my previous post I figured out how to blog from my phone so yea exciting.  (this one is not from my phone lol)  Its a little odd however because its in the form of a text message so there is no title and no spell check so I'm thinking those will be shorter updates and big posts will be during the week on my lunch break (whenever that happens to be).

Looking at step number 1 on my list that I posted on Friday has been scaring the pants off of me for days.  Seriously my pants just will not stay on I am so scared.  I have shared this blog so far with only close friends, a few family members, people that I trust or thought could get this to someone it may help.  I always told everyone to pass this along and feel free to share it but, other people 'finding' this because someone told them about it is much different to me than if I tell people, 'hey come share my pain and crazy rantings about sad terrible stuff no one wants to talk about.'  So yea, that's about where I am right now.  I think a lot of the reason I don't want to tell people is the immense shame and guilt I feel because I lost my baby.  And although my thinking brain agrees with logic that I did nothing wrong, that voice in my ear tells me every day that I killed my child.  It is a little hard to admit to people you have to look in the face that you 1-lost your child 2-think you killed your child 3-feel sooooo guilty about it you feel it is ruining your life and all the other stuff that goes with it.  I have to announce myself on or before the 10th of the month and I alternately flip between giving myself time to work up to it and waiting until the 10th and getting over my crap and getting ahead on my list and just doing it now.  Still on the fence but I think the days leading up to and around the actual announcement will be filled with my thoughts around the guilt that keeps me from sharing.  Look I am my own shrink.  Take that!

My super sweet and supportive friend CZ is awesome and told me something really amazing this weekend so I just wanted to say how much I appreciate her.  =)
Updating my blog from my phone!