Month 5 down-1 to go

Evaluate.

Character Review: Fran and Maxwell Sheffield

The Nanny and her gorgeous employer danced circles around each other and the idea of a relationship for 5 years and and then very quickly admitted their feelings for one another and got married.  Fran finds out soon after the wedding she is pregnant but does not tell Max because he expresses how much he does not want a child yet.  After finally telling him she has an accident and ends up in the hospital to find out that the pregnancy has gone away-which is pretty common.  They spend the next several months trying to get pregnant and are unable to.  It takes a long time and lots of hurt feelings but she eventually gets pregnant with twins and both parents are ecstatic.



-I'm sensing a tv theme here.  I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.

Five Minute Friday-Forgetting

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
On forgetting.....

Forgetting is something that drives me crazy.  I don't like when people forget stuff, I especially don't like it when I forget things.  I have multiple lists and calendars and reminders all over my life to keep my schedule straight, my bills straight and my life straight.  On the other hand though, forgetting drives me crazy when I cannot forget.  Sometimes I look at my dad and all I can think about it the horror of his abusive alcoholic rages.  But you wouldn't know that stuff had ever happened if you look at us now.  I cannot seem to forget the feelings I had when I lost my child.  I cannot seem to forget a moment of that May when I lost not only my baby but my best friend.  I cannot forget looking into my husband's eyes when he tried to tell me EB had killed himself.  I cannot forget my doctor's face when she said I had miscarried or the years of medical crap that ensued after that.  I spend so much time trying not to forget so I can hold my life together that sometimes I forget to relax.  I forget to put myself first and take care of the things I want to do.  I forget that I cannot effectively help others without first helping myself.

Plus, I hate it when people forget stuff.

Getting Excited

I am really looking forward to the next step I have to take for my challenge, getting my memorial tattoo.  I have been looking all over at lots of stuff because while I already have an idea of what I want, I just think it needs a little something extra.  A lot of people have babies with wings, foot or hand prints and I'm just not sure those are right for me.  My idea so far is one of two hearts that look like they were torn out of blue construction paper.  Maybe a date or something to go with it.  I just don't know.  I plan to put it on the inside of my right ankle, opposite from my EB memorial tatt (which is a clover with a halo).  I really like the symbolism of the clover and that it is personal to EB and not generic.  Its fun and interesting.  I have lyrics from Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd on the outside of my right leg above my clover for both my baby and my best friend that I lost in that same month.  So far I am happy with my (8) tattoos and want to be really sure I am happy with this one.  I want it to be just right.  I may need a little time to get it figured out but my deadline is the end of June for sure.  I need to mess around with some design ideas and get the right thing going.  I have an artist I really like and usually he can take my crude cave drawings and turn it into beautiful art.  I just need some more time.

Character Review: Chandler and Monica

These Friends spend years as just friends and then several more years dating before they decide to get married and have children.  They have a slightly unusual situation when they find out that her uterus is inhospitable and his sperm has low motility.  They spend a long time trying conventionally but never get there.  After a while they look into adoption and find a young woman who is willing to give up her baby.  They spend time getting to know her and preparing a new home for the baby only to find out in the delivery room that they are receiving twins.

Five Minute Friday-When Seasons Change

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
When Seasons Change

I feel a little terrible but this instantly makes me think about work.  It makes me think about which seasons are busier than others, what needs to be done in each season regarding tenants and property owners and how much extra work I will  have to do.  I can remember a new assistant marking dates on her calendar and asking me what date we send out letters for spring, summer, fall and winter.  I told her that I didn't know.  We live in Texas where there are no REAL seasons, there is hot, less hot, kinda cold and warm.  (though lately the last few years have been pretty cold at times)  We have to get the letters out before the season starts as a reminder for what needs to be done and it is impossible to know what Texas will decide to do.

Support Group Searching

I have been looking all week long for some sort of support group or something similar that I can be a part of but have really found nothing that I like.  I figure I have a couple of options: a web site, facebook or in person.  I have to say that al-anon really turned me off of in person support groups.  I know that it helps a lot of people and I usually recommend them as one of the first options for someone dealing with an alcoholic in their life but I just was not a fan.  You meet in a room with people and you say several prayers and mantras that are supposed to help you then each person shares what is on their mind.  I have to say that I tried 8 groups in my area and I did not like any of them.  They were all so churchy that it made it hard to feel supported.  I seemed to get the same message over and over, 'There's nothing you can do about it, God will take care of it.'  I wasn't asking how to cure my father, I was asking how I could handle the situation better.  I just never got much out of it.  Even the ones that did not preach at me had the same thing to say, 'There's nothing you can do, it will work itself out.'  Pointless advice.  If I wanted to hear that God would take care of things isn't a church the right place to go?  If I want help dealing with my reaction to his alcoholism wouldn't you think someone would be able to help me at al-anon?  Nope, apparently not.

Sorry- got sidetracked.

Anyway, I am to busy to spend time in a group anyway and I would rather something on line where I can get help from lots of people or help lots of people in my own time. 
So far however, my search has turned up nothing that I have liked.  I haven't found any web sites that are not selling books or telling a single story, I would like to reach out to people as well.  Facebook I thought would be my best option but it seems that there just aren't very many great options on facebook regarding loss and miscarriage.  Four sites haven't been posted on for a year at least and I want to interact often.  One site had a picture of her miscarried fetus that freaked me out so much I may never sleep again-don't wanna belong to that group.  One site someone wrote in such awful short hand Internet text speak crap that I could barely understand her.  I just can't seem to find what I want.  I have come to the conclusion that I need to continue to look, reach out to anyone who may have a suggestion and possibly, start my own group.  It might be a nice start to my next six month challenge to start a group that also helps other people since my blog posts have helped me so much.  I don't know though.... I need to think about it some more.  I thought before that it might be nice to open my blog up and let guest writers share their stories but I don't know who would actually be interested in anything like that so I just haven't followed through.  I will do some more research and find some sort of answer before the month is up.  If you have any sort of suggestion please let me know, I would love to hear from you.  If you or someone you know has been through reproduction difficulty I would especially like your feedback so I can know what other people are interested in.  Thanks guys.

Step10

Look into a support group.

Steps to mental health

I was thinking about it today and I only have a month left in my six month challenge to myself to go.  I feel like I have definitely grown in the last several months and I feel less crazy than I did before.  I am feeling very anxious lately and I have some things getting wrapped up and decisions to make soon.  I need to start looking into support groups or forums for my deadline on Friday, then comes the best step of them all, I get to get my tattoo on the 10th of next month.  I need to start doing some research and figuring out just what I want.  I have a pretty good idea but I want to be sure about it.  Some days are just overwhelming lately so I'm looking forward to that step.
I need to start thinking about my options for my health, our future together and how we want to proceed with everything.  TB and I seem to have made a decision last week that I don't think people are going to like but I think its right for us.  All I can do is hope they will eventually understand.  Or just ignore them. 

Character Review: Miranda Hobbs and Steve Brady

Miranda and Steve date on and off several times in Sex and the City and in the end live happily married in a lovely home with an adorable redheaded son.  During an off period for their relationship Steve learns he has testicular cancer and Miranda does what she can to comfort her friend.  She even goes with him to look at prosthetic testicles after one of his gets removed.  Miranda has found out previously that she has a 'lazy ovary' and is unlikely to be able to produce an egg for fertilization.  They have unexpected sex one day and Miranda find herself pregnant and worries about what to do.  She goes as far as to schedule an abortion appointment but changes her mind at the last minute.  She decides keeping the baby is what she really wants and becomes a caring mother who, I personally think, is a great role model for other mothers.  She works, spends time with her child, and still enjoys adult conversation with her friends.  She is able to have a child and not let it change her much.  So one ball plus one ovary sometimes equals a baby.

Share our Fears

Part of my challenge was to talk to my husband about our fears, more specifically about our fears regarding babies, no babies and what that means in our future.  It may seem odd that I scheduled this talk months ago but my husband is not very open to talking about these kinds of things and he needed the time to prepare and we both needed the time to be in a healthier place before we started spitting out things that scared us instead of our fears.  There is a difference.  Things scare us every day, small things, big things, uncontrollable things.  Talking about what scares you is pretty pointless most of the time.  Your fears however, are the things that lurk in your mind and distract you.  They are what really makes you nervous, really makes you want to run away.

It turns out that TB and I have exactly the same fears.  We are both nervous that I will never really be healthy we are both afraid that I will always be weak and tired and constantly trudging to doctors.  We are both afraid that family will continue to put pressure on us and not understand the decisions we make.  Being the oldest kids, oldest grand kids and the first married in our families puts some pressure on us.  As does knowing that ALL of our family members are EXPECTING kids.  They don't all necessarily expect these kids to come from us but they expect them from somewhere.  No one else is even close to marriage and children of our siblings and cousins so the eyes naturally fall on us.  -I do have a couple of cousins who just got married (not to each other) but they are younger and in the service and school so I don't think they are thinking babies.-  My family tends to be more 'curious' than his family and I don't think they realize that their questions and concerns can be weighty.  I had to explain for a while that my mom refusing to believe we will not have children is her way of helping.  She believes in positive thinking strongly and feels like as long as she is optimistic and sure it will happen, then it will.  This is perceived as lots of pressure by TB but I think she is just trying to help.

Overall it was a really nice talk to have.  =)

Five Minute Friday-Deep Breath

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Deep Breath.

Deep breath is something I say throughout my entire day.  I'm in pain, take a deep breath.  I'm feeling guilty, take a deep breath.  I just want to crawl into bed and never leave, take a deep breath.  I'm feeling anxious, upset, overwhelmed or excited.  Take a deep breath.

I have always felt that taking that second just to calm yourself and stop that stream of consciousness makes all the difference.  I spend a lot of time in my head, a lot of time thinking and planning and worrying.  That breath saves me every time.  Sometimes I need two.  When my husband or my mom get upset and I want to help calm them, take a deep breath.  Clear your head, think about what you're saying and doing and don't let your emotions rule your life.  Generally my breath is accompanied by 'you can get through this' my secret mantra.  Pushing myself to get through the struggles of medical problems, dr visits, marriage issues, crazy family members and a stressful job is a constant in my life.  I struggle with physical and mental disorders that can keep me depressed or weak and I push myself to get through those things in life with a deep breath.  Sometimes that is all you need to take that first step.  In a life where I constantly spend all of my tainted time and energy on other people that I love, that second of deep breath is the me time I need to realize I can do it, I can get through it and it will be alright somehow.

Step 9

Talk about fears with my husband.

Have I Done the Right Things?

EB died four years ago yesterday.  That just seems wrong.  How can it have been 4 years?  How can he really be dead?  How can only 4 years have gone by?  Why does it feel so long and so short?  Is it wrong to reach out to his family?  Will it hurt more or less to let them know someone else is thinking about him?  Did his mom spend her mother's day crying for him or holding her other kids and grand kids close?  Did anyone else remember?  Am I the only one left that carries the black band on my arm, am I the only one still grieving?  Did I make the right choices?  Have I done the right things?

I find days like this, after the sadness passes and the longing subsides, I find them full of questions.  The question that looms largest in my life is 'Would it be different?'
I find my mind drifting to this question each morning while I get ready for work or when I can't sleep.  I think about it when I have good memories and bad ones.  Would things be different for me if he was alive?  How different would they be?

The anniversary fills me with thoughts of him, the day after is full of thoughts of his influence.  It may be coincidence and it may be true but it seems to me that things started to go really wrong when he died.  TB and I were happily engaged and had gotten very excited about the pregnancy.  We were looking at wedding venues and trying to decide to put the money into a wedding or a house together.  Our parents were happy and our friends were excited.  He seemed happy for us and I was looking forward to that baby calling him Uncle E.  When he took his life I took all of the stress on my shoulders to shelter TB, I spent hours making phone calls to people I didn't know to let them know their friend had passed away.  I wrote stories and memories for his family to read in the eulogy and worked hard to comfort TB and those around me.  After he would fall asleep at night I would sneak on to the balcony and bawl for hours until the sun came up and then sneak back into bed.  I just couldn't believe he had done it.  Couldn't believe he was gone.  We coordinated friends at the services and held a small memorial at our apt for friends who didn't feel comfortable with his family and the church they picked for our severely atheist friend.  For weeks after I fielded calls from his friends who wanted answers, comfort or to take their own lives.  I took all of their stress on myself so I could shield them and protect them like I always try to do.  Later in the month I lost my baby.  There is no medical reason that I lost it, the best suggestion was too much stress.  Stress.  All that stress that I took on to myself, all of that hurt and pain that I hid and ignored, did that do it?  Did that kill my baby?  How could I choose not to take care of myself in such a bad situation?  How could I not protect my child?  How can I get rid of the guilt that still haunts me years later?

How do you know if you made the right decisions?  How will I ever trick myself into believing what happened wasn't my fault?

The stress from losing EB took my baby.
The stress from losing the baby almost took my marriage.
The stress from my marriage almost took me.

Where does it all end and how do you stop it?


I wonder if things would be different if he had never died all the time.  Would some other stress have caused my body to lose the baby?  Would my marriage be better?  Would my child have been born?  Have I done the right things?

Character Review: Frank and Alice Buffay

Frank and Alice meet as student and teacher in high school and later decide to get married.  Although Frank's sister Phoebe and all of the Friends think this is unwise initially, by the end of the episode they are all supportive and happy.  Once the couple gets married they reveal that they have been trying to have a baby since they got engaged and are unable to.  They then, ask Phoebe to be the surrogate for their baby.  After a lot of thought and conferring with her birth mother who also gave birth and then gave up the baby, she decides to do it to make them happy.  She ends up pregnant with only one in vitro session and finds out she is having triplets.  In the end its hard to give them up but she is happy that she did it.  Later in the season however, you find out that Frank and Alice are completely overwhelmed with three children and are having a very tough time.

-side note-
My mom has already volunteered to be my surrogate mother and I know if I ever said yes she would be at the doctor in a second. lol

Five Minute Friday-Motherhood Should Come With

Today I'm trying something new.  I was shown this post below by my friend MH and I think it is a great attitude towards motherhood and the lack there of.
5 min fri on motherhood


I have been watching MH use this format a couple of times and I am going to try my best to do this every Friday as well.
Gypsy Mama chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes.
Only five minutes.

And the rule is that whatever she writes about in that five minutes is what she posts. No editing her thoughts.
Today, her topic choice is "Motherhood should come with…"
So I'm going to set the timer, write some thoughts, and then I'm going to stop.


Motherhood should come with..... classes, an etiquette book and an instructional video.

You should have to pass some classes to become a parent, some people in the world mistreat and take advantage of their children in the worst ways.  Physical, sexual and emotional abuse runs rampant and those poor kids live their life in that situation or move into foster care or some sort of orphanage and hopefully get to find a life with a new parent.  Not all do though.

Etiquette books about what is appropriate should be handed out with pregnancy tests so you can start studying early.  People don't usually mean to but can be so rude and/or inappropriate about their children.  I think it comes from engrossing your entire life with your child, you forget other people don't think your poop story is cute or the screaming is funny.  I get it, you get lost in your kid.  Good, you should you have a great gift.  But someone should be there to lightly tap you on the shoulder and remind you that although this is the kid's fave song, I don't need you to hand the phone over to them so I can hear it unless I am asking.

An instructional video about what is appropriate to others without children is also needed.  Telling me your horror stories so I rethink trying?  Rude.  Telling me how much I will like it when I am STILL trying.  Also kinda rude.  I don't think parents think about what comes out of their mouths, there are 2 reasons for this theory.  You are so caught up in the child's life that you forget other people are not.  and/or  You are so starved for adult conversation that everything you have thought since the last time you had one just sort of tumbles out when you open your mouth.  Neither one is bad and parents that do this should never feel ashamed or anything, I just think some reference material would help the rest of us out.  Thanks.