I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend. I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do. I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday. My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with. My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late. I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car. I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish. We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.
I am not sleeping. I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested. I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at least
I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills. I hate it. I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office. It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.
The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now. I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before. You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.
TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us). He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour. Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels. I'm getting even less done than usual.
We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run. The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days. So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday. That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around. We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.
Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.
I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.
I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective. Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF. No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough. Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is. Things will be ok. Things will be ok. Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
