Five Minute Friday-Ache

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Ache


Ache is a word I know very well.  The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems.  The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason.  The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs.  The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around.  That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery.  The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently.  The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it.  That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father.  That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have.  Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend.  The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart.  Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun.  Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine.  Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about.  Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age.  Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was.  Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts.  Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger.  I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it.  Ache is what I know.  Ache is constant.  Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of.  The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away.  Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there.  For now, I am working on lessening my aches.  Maybe someday that will change.