Deafening Silence

I read a very honest post today from Me and Mine that although was about a pretty difficult topic, gave me some joy.  Pregnancy hormones can do so many things to your body, you just don't even know.  Allison, the woman who writes at Me and Mine, went through antepartum depression while she was pregnant.  It is similar to postpartum but (as I'm sure you can guess) happens before you are separated from your child -i e during the pregnancy.  Her post is raw and honest and moved me, but her message is what stuck with me the most.  She urged anyone who felt not quite right or knew someone who may be going through something similar to talk about it openly.  Be honest and let others know how you feel.  Be there for someone who may not know how to bring it up.  That hiss in your head that tells you to keep it quiet, don't let anyone know, can be SO LOUD sometimes.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault.  Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days.  Some days it is just there.  I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too.  No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic.  By the way did I mention my baby died?'  Yea, no one wants to be that person. 
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences.  This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong.  When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in.  After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in.  The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me.  I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing.  People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it.  That was really great.  You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.

Be open and honest with people around you.  Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems.  Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.