Scariest conversation of my life

So my husband, TB, and I had the baby talk 2 nights ago and I'm pretty sure I almost died.  It was without question the scariest conversation of my life and that includes all Dr convos, and the conversation I had with my parents on Wednesday at work on my lunch break.  gross.

For some reason I asked TB how he felt about our future family planning and he gave me 2 very different answers, both of which scared me to death.  Then I told him how I felt and that scared me also.  Ugh, cannot win.

 My recovery will end in 14 months. That puts us around January 2012 which would be 8 years together total and 3 1/2 years married.  So I asked him what his thoughts were about the end of my recovery in respect to thinking about a family. Dialogue is probably the best way to describe this.

mwc-So what do you think?
tb-Probably about 2 years.
mwc-2 years?  From now?
tb-Yea about 2 years from now is a good time to start trying.  Your recovery is over in 14 months and we should wait another 6 just to be sure.  So about 2 years.
mwc-That's 20 months, less than 2 years. Oh my god.  That really scares me.

Scary.  Children in the next 3 years that are mine?  Scary.
But also kinda cool.  I could have children in the next 3 years that are mine.
Wow.  Ok just breathe. Scary. Awesome. Scary. Awesome.  Wow, so scary.

I told him that if that is his thinking I could be ok with that I just need to do a lot of work on myself before then because I am nowhere near ready for that because I am still petrified that losing our baby was all my fault and I'll just do it again and I am not ready to deal with that.  But I need to.  Ugh.  Back to scary.
I proceeded to cry and tell him all about how scared I am (I'll get into specifics in another post its long) but that was a good plan and I would do the work to be ready and if I wasn't there we would just wait.
Then he felt awful cause I cried, even though I tried to explain he did nothing wrong its all me and my 'emotions' and these stupid hormones, so I asked him if that was honestly how he felt.  (he is notorious for saying what he thinks I want to hear and not telling me the truth)
So we started the talk ALL over again. 
tb-Hypothetically when do you want to have kids?
mwc-Well I always thought I'd have my kids young and close together.  I would think 3 to 4 years of marriage would be nice and then think about trying. 
tb-So...
mwc-Oh my god, that's now isn't it? Holy shit it is.
tb-Well yea that would probably be something we would be thinking about.
mwc-I change my mind that is too scary.
tb-It was supposed to be hypothetical.
mwc-Hypothetically it scares me to death and I am no longer alive.
tb-Ok let's start over.
mwc-Ugh. No I'll behave.  What are your honest thoughts?
tb-how about 4 years?
mwc- When I'm 30?
tb- You wouldn't be 30.
mwc-I will be 29 in 4 years and it takes nearly a year to cook the baby so I'd be 30.
tb-Yea I guess you'd be 30. Did you say cook the baby?
mwc-You know like a bun in the oven? 
tb-Ok.....
mwc-Sorry. Waiting til I'm 30 scares me.
tb-You're scared again?
mwc-I know I'm sorry I'm all over the place.
tb-Its ok.
mwc-Once you hit 34 it becomes more dangerous to have children and who knows how long it would take to conceive?  There are already enough negative factors.  Plus I always wanted a big family.  30 to 34 is a small window, especially if I want 3 or 4 children.
tb-True.
mwc-But, I don't want to feel rushed.  I want to make the right decision.
tb-Ok....

So where did we land?  Soon scares me.  Waiting scares me.  Feeling rushed scares me.  Waiting too long scares me.  I'm an emotional wreck.  My husband is pretty great.  I am going to spend a year working on myself and what scares me about having kids.  He is going to spend a year working on being more mature.  We will talk about this again when my recovery is over.
So no progress.
Be mindful that this conversation was only about natural conception, we didn't even get into adoption, fertility treatments, or any of the other trillion options we have to think about.

Scared to death.