Family Vacation

I am coming to the end of a family vacation to the beach at Port Aransas, TX.  We have spent the last 4 nights laughing, talking and hanging out together.  We used to come to this beach as kids with my parents and grandparents and TB and I have been coming the last few years with friends because we like it so much.  This time we came to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday and enjoy time together.  My grandparents came with and all of us 3 kids had a significant other to bring.  Its really fun and sorta weird.  We used to play in the sand and build castles and run in the waves as little kids and instead this year my brother proposed on the beach with the whole family watching.  It was really wonderful.

I haven't lived at my parents' house for 5 years now.  I don't get this big family interaction every day like my brothers do that still live with them.  Being surrounded by all these people and having such a nice time makes me feel full.  I feel like my life is/will be fine without children.  I also can see towards the future when we come back with a brood of my nieces and nephews to show them the beach.  My family is weird/difficult/complicated and so much fun I can barely stand it sometimes.  We are truly a circus sometimes.  But they are my family and I love them with everything I have.  Watching my brothers lovingly dote on their girlfriends, seeing my parents hold hands and listening to stories of when my grandparents were newly married makes me know that these people are my home.  They are my heart.

I know that TB and I may not get to do this with our kids in the future but I know that we will be included when my brothers do it with theirs.  We will have little ones to run around in our lives whether they are ours or not.

Days like these make it easy to think I will never have a traditional family life because I ALREADY have an awesome one.  Kids or no kids, life can be good.  Just like right now.  As everyone starts to wake up and pack to go home because they have other obligations, we get to pack and move to another condo because our friend KA is driving down today and we get a few more days at the beach with friends.  I could not do that if I had kids in tow.  I am grateful for the things in life that show me that it will be ok.

Faith

I have always been very interested in religion, I have spent time in my life researching various religions and reading their various scripts and learning their stories.  I feel like religion is a very personal decision and I like to be informed.  I want to decide that religion is right for me and embrace it.  I want to make the choice where my faith belongs.  I have visited many many different kinds of churches and asked lots of people to share about their religion.  I have found that that just isn't for me.  I respect those that have such a relationship with their god that they are able to ignore those who argue with them or disagree, I respect making a commitment to their god and working to make their life what he would want.  I love to hear about other people's faith and relationship with their religion.  Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith.  Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring.  She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong.  Without saying anything to me or doing anything in particular she has shown me a life filled with faith.  It makes me happy to know she has that faith in these last hours.  I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have that faith, to have a different relationship with god.  Although I still feel like this is not for me and not a life I would lead, putting that thought in my head is powerful.  I think it is important to reaffirm your choices in life.  Making a decision one day and sticking to it just because that is your decision is something I do not agree with.  I think you should question yourself sometimes and makes decisions every day.  You may find that your decision today is the same as yesterday, that's great, that means you are doing what is right for you.  Sometimes you may make a different decision tomorrow, that's good too it means you have changed and your decisions are changing with you.  Choose to have faith every day and you will live an active life with god the way Gitz has.  Choose to have faith one day and then go through the motions and you are not letting yourself live the best life you can.  Find where you want to put your faith and do it.  Put all of it where you find it is best for you.  Do it.  Do not hesitate.  But question yourself throughout your life, ask yourself if your faith is still there because you are still there or if it is still there because its easy.  Faith is powerful and it can be wielded in many different ways.  Gitzen Girl chooses to have faith in her god every single day, every moment in fact.  I respect that she makes that choice constantly and had led her life knowing that her faith is in the right place.

My friend Gitz?

A wonderful person I sort of know is going through a difficult time.  She has had a long term debilitating medical condition that has kept her from many things in her life.  It has never stopped her from being positive, honest and inspiring though.  She is someone who does not let the things she cannot do get her down.  Her motto Choose Joy is indeed how she lives.  She trusts fully that god has made the right choice for her life and has even found that being isolated in her condo without work or distractions can be a good thing because it lets her be close to god.  She has such incredible faith it is just amazing.  You see, I don't actually know Gitzen Girl in person.  We have never talked on the phone or really even had a direct conversation.  I was introduced to her blog through a friend I do know, Mandy, who showed me a beautiful post with great perspective about not having children and what that brings to her friends that do.  After that post I was hooked.  I found myself reading old posts on my phone while TB drove us home from work.  Her outlook is just so interesting to me, so empowering.  She has the ability to truly 'let go and let god' and although I have heard this for many many years I have yet to see someone fulfill it.  I am surrounded by people this week, when I seem down or start to zone out to think of Gitz and her many many posts that touched me, someone always seems to ask what is wrong.  I find myself saying, 'my friend is dying.'  I feel a little funny saying that considering I do not really know her and have not met.  I also do not want to take away from those who do know her.  But she makes it easy to feel like she is my friend.  She makes it easy to feel like I know her.  She is so open about her life that I feel like we are friends, I have read so many of her words that it feels like a conversation we've had.  Looking at her comments I see all the blog followers, friends and family that have lovely sentiments for her and I know that though she cannot see them she can certainly feel them.  Those that know her are wrapping her in comfort, love and admiration.  I will miss seeing your posts and getting to know you better Gitz.  I will miss you.  I hope that you are no longer in pain and that you can sit with your dad and watch over the ones you love.  You can't know how much your words have inspired me to be more positive and accept the things I have been handed.  My own journey through medical problems, restrictions and procedures has been punctuated with your never ending positive perspective that gives me a different view and sometimes pull me out of my own thoughts.  I am not there yet, I still have a terrible outlook on my recovery, but I am working towards it.  I am trying to get there and you are a large stepping stone.  Thank you for your words, your blog and your life.  Rest peacefully when it is your time and feel no pain.  You will not know how many lives you have touched.

Five Minute Friday-in real life

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

In real life....

In real life you cannot bitch about how things are not fair.  You and I are different and do not deserve the same things.  So just shut up.  Those guys over there have been through things you don't know about.  People you have never even noticed notice you every day.  You just can't complain about whether things are fair or not.  We have all been brought up with positive reinforcement so it makes sense that working hard gets you good things.  That's just not how it always happens.  Sometimes good people get bad stuff.  Sometimes its not a happy ending.  Things don't just go away.

Five Minute Friday-Rest

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.

Rest.....


Rest is something that plagues my life.  I'm sure most everyone feels like they don't get enough rest.  I certainly do.  When I am truly at rest I feel so relaxed and light, no heavy problems weighing on my brain for that moment.  I am usually curled into the nook of my husband's arm or laying with a snuggly cat purring on me or just laying in my bed by myself thinking how nice it is to have a moment to myself.  I went to Possum Kingdom last weekend and when people ask about it I excitedly tell them I read a book on the dock for almost 2 hours.  I usually get a strange look.  I am most excited to read my book at the lake?  What about the boat or jet ski or fishing or hiking or fun people?  Well yea, all of those things are nice but I spent a nice chunk of time propped up against the post of the dock reading while the wind flapped my pages and KA read silently nearby.  It was just heaven.  That is the kind of rest I think I crave the most.  I can always sleep if I take a pill or get tired enough.  I can always make it through a sleep deprived day when I am filled to the brim with coffee but that kind of rest where nothing is weighing me down, interrupting me or causing me problems is the kind that truly energizes me to my core.  Hopefully my upcoming vacation will provide similar rest.

Mandy's Question

As a follow up to yesterday and to Mandy's question from her blog post here is my list of things I think I do well.
Ahem....

I am good at listening.  I like to try and listen to a person and what they have to say and give an answer to the questions they ask or not to answer at all if they are not asking me anything.  People are too quick to give unsolicited advice and I like to be sure that I am not one of them if at all possible.  I am the first one to offer advice or a solution if my friends and loved ones ask for my help but most often listening is what people really need.

Not to be contradictory but, I think I give pretty good advice.  I am also good at being unbiased.  I look at things as objectively as possible and answer the question the best way I know how.  My personal feelings rarely have to do with what others should do so I try to keep them out of it.

I am good at being creative.  I like to find new answers to daily puzzles whether its how to fit that last piece of trash in the bag or how to solve an accounting problem at work.  I feel like looking at things from every angle and thinking them through is a strong point of mine.  Finding a new solution that someone else hasn't thought of makes me smile because I could help. 

I am good at my job.  I do collections and accounting at a real estate company that my family owns and have been for a while now.  I really feel like I have found a great niche in this company.  When I was younger my grandmother used to pay me to stick labels onto to flyers and cards to mail out and then to file her papers and later to organize her office.  I have worked on these sorts of projects since I was 12.  In 2002 when I was 17 I started working in the office part doing errands and assistant stuff with my grandmother, after I graduated in 2004 I started working there full time was working on more important projects like processing payments and reports and balancing the checkbook.  I started studying accounting in college and realized I found an area that the company needed help in and slowly worked into the position.  Now I handle collecting money on current and past due accounts as well as customer service, office manager and all of the company taxes.  I handle evictions, court cases and violations.  Basically I am good at being tough when no one else wants to.  My family members are so nice and compassionate that they always want to help and that isn't always what is best for the business.  I am good at separating my compassion from the necessity of the job well enough to be polite and firm.  Being at the company for 11 years doesn't hurt either, it means that I literally grew up learning this business and the people we work with.

I am good at being myself.  I do not feel shy or awkward or feel the need to apologize for myself.  I am up front with my characteristics as well as my flaws and let people decide if they want to deal with me or not.  I am never afraid to speak my mind or do what I think is right.

I can throw a nice right hook.

I am good at protecting the people around me.  Whether something dangerous like being vigilant in a car wreck or something simple like telling someone to back off, I am good at being there for the people who need me.  KA calls me 'the hawk, ca caaaaaa' because I hawk-eye people when we go out that are bothering her.

I am good at looking on the bright side and picking out the positive things.  When someone is down I am the first to find a funny angle or a good spot they may have overlooked.

I am good at scrapbooking, I don't win prizes or anything but I think my pages look nice and document my many memories well.  Others can look at them later and hear my story.

I'm a pretty good wife I think.  I know I cam difficult and demanding sometimes but I really do my best to be good to my husband TB.  I pay the bills and budget our money and work hard to find some extra savings when I know there's something he wants to do.  I try to be encouraging while realistic and express my feelings clearly and not be an emotional mess.  I like to make him laugh and see him smile and do small things to make his life easier.  I try to be tough and remind him to do things when he wants me to keep him on track with something and back off and leave him alone when he wants to do it himself.  I try to find the time money and space to do the things he is passionate about whether together or separate.  I work to make things better for us and to make us better.  I push him to be his best and challenge him to do more.  I spend time being silly and goofy too.  I try to make sure our life is as balanced as possible.  When he cleans the kitchen I make him dinner and when I'm tired I buy it.

I am getting pretty good at couponing.  I have been using coupons lately to get some great deals and stock up on the essentials.  I try to make smart purchases that we will need and keep them as low as possible.  I have gotten lots of stuff for free or less than a dollar.  Its kind of fun too, like a game.

I'm also good at Halloween.  Just in general.  I am good at thinking up fun decorations and scary costumes and finding a way to transform our house every year for as little money as possible.  -we just started a Halloween Blog together where we can showcase the many crafty things we make and do for this fun holiday.

I try very hard to be a good friend and a good daughter as well as a good sister and sister in law and daughter in law not to mention a good niece and a good grandchild.  I think I am good at these things too.



What are you good at?  What are you proud of?  Tell me in the comments or make your own post and leave me the link.  =)

Two birds with one stone

I have a huge list of things to get done lately and I constantly find myself putting them off for the long list of new things that come up or the even longer list of new things I think up for myself.  I am going to take a second and do something that two different ladies urged me to do recently, brag a little.  Now, that is not exactly how they put it, they're eloquent, but that is what I am going to do.

HOLY CRAP!!!  My husband just electrocuted himself with the washer.  Seriously, his whole arm is tingling and he keeps babbling about how he's bad at electricity.  I'm not sure what to do with him.....

Sorry about that.  Well, back to the topic.  I was talking to my therapist in my last visit about how I am having a hard time getting past my miscarriage because I feel like it made me question myself about a lot of things I had never questioned before.  I feel like I am not the person I was always sure that I was.  I have always considered myself very strong and in control of most things in my life and this has just left me feeling so broken and unsure.  Its an odd feeling for me.  I have been sure of myself and my convictions for as long as I remember.  I cannot remember a time when I did not know who I was.  Not being sure of that now has left me feeling very raw and scared.  I would like to note however, that feeling sure and strong does not mean I was not open,  I think it is important to be open to all options and change your mind sometimes.  When I was talking to her she asked me what confidence was made of and what I thought a strong person meant.  She also reminded me that I was not hiding from my feelings or refusing to acknowledge my issues but wading through them and looking for a way out instead of settling.  I was being strong in a different way.  Instead of being a stable rock for myself and others I was something more fluid and malleable that moved through and around the fears and issues.  -btw I just love her she is awesome
My homework from that session was to think of what makes me a strong person and what I like about myself.  I am supposed to make a list of the things about myself that make me happy.

Shortly after that I read a post from Miss Mandy Hornbuckle that was similar.  -she is also pretty awesome
Apparently, someone asked her 'What do you think you're really, really good at? Like, probably better than anybody you know at?' and she was unsure of what to say at first.  But she made a wonderful blog post about the things in her life she is good at doing and I enjoyed reading it very much.  She also challenged people at the end to brag about themselves a little bit and tell what they are good at.  I think I will take her up on that offer and combine that with my list for my therapist. 

This has turned into kind of a long post when it was meant to be an intro to that list so I think I will complete it for tomorrow.  SOOO...... Folks, look for my list of things I am good at tomorrow.  I urge you to make your own and I urge you share it with others.  We should never be scared to point out our strong points as well as our flaws.  A person who does either too often is leading an unfortunate life most likely.

Five Minute Friday-Older

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Older....
I am a year older than my husband and we constantly tease each other about the age difference.  I always ask him if he's old enough to drink and he calls me his sugar mama.  That difference makes a huge difference sometimes though.  When I was starting college he was dating a 'co-ed' and still in high school.  When I was finding a part time job that would filter into my career goals he was aspiring to be a waiter instead of a bus boy.  When he says we can wait a few years for children I start to count how close to 30 that is.  That one short year turns into a very large chasm sometimes.  Others I don't even notice it.  It astonishes me the cultural references he doesn't get because he was too young while I was only a year older and remember is clearly.  That gap can be pretty frustrating when it feels like we have two different maturity levels but I know that the different perspectives are what really matter and help show the other person a different view of things.

Catching up is hard to do

No matter how many times I log into blogspot or how many times I edit what I have started or list what I would like to say, I just can't get started.  Soooooo..... we're gonna just start with a list of stuff I wanted to touch on and if posts come from that later than great if not, I got something out.  I just need somewhere to start.

• That poor little girl and her evil mom in TX, how could that crazy jury let her off?  That just shows you how precious your children are because some people don't deserve them.  Her parents LOVED that child, if she didn't want her she should have let someone else love her.  Give her to your parents and run off and have the life you want.  Give her to an agency that will find her a home that loves her more than you do.  Hell, leave her with a fire station or police station or hospital; TX has made it very easy to give your child up without hurting it.  There are 'Safe Drop' place everywhere that will take a child with no questions asked and get them to the right place.  If you don't love your child, find someone who will.  There are too many options to feel like murder is correct for you.
• I have started back to therapy and am really working through my feelings with my awesome counselor.  I would like to dedicate a post to something she said yesterday about being a strong vs weak person.
• My awesome husband is at home right now cooking so I will have dinner when he is showing property tonight.  I just really love him.
• Vacation is coming up quick, if I can save all the money I need I will have a great time.  If not, we'll still have a good time with friends and family.  CANNOTWAIT.
• I need a new set of goals for myself.  I really feel like I did well with my goals before and having something to work towards makes me feel much less lost.
• I still really REALLY want my tattoo I just can't seem to get it right.  =(

Five Minute Friday-Beauty

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Beauty....
Thinking of beauty inevitably makes me think of photography and make me miss it.  I love taking photos and would have loved to make that my career in life.  Unfortunately, that was not in my cards and I use it solely as a hobby now.  The beauty you can capture with a lens always makes me hold my breath while I am waiting for the print to develop or the preview to show.  I can make things look better or worst, bigger or smaller and I can keep the beauty I see around me in a small way with my camera. 

Five Minute Friday-Whole

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on weeks I have missed.

Whole....
I feel a whole lot better than I did a couple of weeks ago but I am still working on getting completely better.
I have a huge fear that I will never feel whole again.  I worry that my loss has changed me too much and will not let me be the person I was before.  I wonder if I will be happy someday without the thought of what was lost.  I wonder if things will always be weird and funny.  I generally feel good about our decision not to force things though, and I am happy we are talking and taking control of things again.  I want to have a happy home and family, if the children in my life are not included in my home then so be it.  It doesn't make life less full or me less whole.

Walking Dead

Soooooo I have made plans to finish all of my half done posts and catch up on my 5MF and start thoughts on a new set of challenges but I have gotten sick, and I'm talking REALLY sick, every time I start to get it done.  I'm taking some time tonight and just getting it over with.  I will make the time if I have to because I like updating but have gotten out of the habit and feel like I can't put random posts up until I have finished the ones I have started.  I spent the last 3 weeks feeling like a zombie just shuffling around my house and office feeling ridiculously awful.  My wonderful husband TB is very sick of me being sick and has started giving me this super concerned brow furrow every time I say I don't feel well.  I have also had to make up all the time I missed in the office and have been pretty swamped.  Also our house guest JP is a little more time consuming than I thought she would be.  Still happy to have her though.  =)

Alive

I'm not dead, just been a zombie lately.  Sick and busy at work do not mix.  I promise to post again soon soon soon. 

Five Minute Friday-Still

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Still....


I am still not feeling well.
I am still sick.
I am still not losing weight or allowed to really exercise.
My husband still doesn't get it, though he tries a lot of the time.
I still feel overwhelmed at work.
I still have the best friends and family that literally drop what they are doing if I need them.
I still feel  tired all the time and have no energy.
I still may need major surgery, I still don't want it.
There is still a chance that I could be healthy in the future but I still don't believe it.
I cannot sit still at work anymore, it is getting too uncomfortable.
I still can't tell if this treatment is helping my pain, I still feel it.
My house is still messy and my medical bills are still unpaid.
I still have to find the strength to get out of bed every morning and not to cry every night.
Every time I feel like I am scraping the bottom of my inner-strength-barrel I still find a handful when I really need it.
There are still things that terrify me about the future and my health.
There is still no end in sight for my struggles, which also means no end for my husband TB's struggles.
At night my legs ache and hurt I cannot stay still long enough to fall asleep until I am so exhausted from the pain that I drift off.
I still have no idea if I ever even want to put myself through another pregnancy, if I want a baby of my own.
I am still working on my list of positive things about being childless.
I still want my tattoo but I just haven't gotten it right yet.
I still need to finish my next challenge to myself so I can get started.
I did catch up with 5MF but I am still behind on all the posts I want to put up.
I still really wish I could just take a big breath and start to get back on track, I just still feel like I can't.

Five Minute Friday-Full

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Full...

Full makes me think of my husband immediately.  We have a running theme in our lives the last few years and it is my hunger.  For whatever reason, meds, bad luck, crazy medical condition, my hunger has been incredible.  Some days I literally eat everything in sight and some days I cannot choke down water.  Every day is struggle between me and my stomach.  If I do not eat within about 20 mins of starting to feel hungry I literally get sick.  Do you know how frustrating that is?  Most of my medication makes me nauseous while it also makes me hungry.  Because I cannot really exercise enough to lose weight I have ballooned to huge huge huge and so then what to eat becomes a struggle.  Luckily I crave good food, though my husband who has to cook while I lay in bed moaning does not feel as lucky.  We have tried multiple systems and plans and cannot seem to get things on track.  I just can't get full.  Even if I eat enough to fill the space my mind wants more.  Its frustrating.

Five Minute Friday-Loss

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Loss....

Loss is something I deal with in my blog every day because it is something that I deal with in life every day.  You have no idea how many people ask why I am not 'over it' yet, but loss is not something you get over it is only something you can move through.  You have to wade in the loss and the pain and the hardship you have to get in over your head and lose your balance you have to move through it because once you are on the other side you can look back and see what you have accomplished.  If you do not feel it you will never deal with it.  If you do not work through the pain and problems you will never know life without it.  You have to force yourself through the difficult times to enjoy the good ones.  Enduring loss is something great and though we are all familiar with the path life takes no one is ever really ready for the loss that comes inevitably at the end of life.  Learn from your loss no matter how big or small.  Use memories, people and activities to keep you afloat and never apologize for your loss, just work through it.

Five Minute Friday-Grateful

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful ring of supportive family and friends.
The people that bring me dinner when I'm on bed rest, the friends that call to ask how I am, the people who leave funny facebook comments to distract me, my infallible nurse CZ who is ALWAYS there no matter what.
They are all wonderful, the family members who stroke my forehead when I am crying, the people who answer my midnight phone calls that make no sense, the cleaning, cooking and errands that get magically done. 
HB who is my ice cream fairy.
The Slurpees, carne guisada and Jack and Coke that I am given that always tastes sooooo good at a bad time.
Sweet TB who massages my tender legs and puts his arms around me when I wake up crying from pain or bad dreams.
My wonderful mama SG who tries to put things in an annoyingly positive perspective.
SC or JBU that commiserate with me when I go through something difficult or painful.
The friends that listen to me ramble endlessly when all they asked was how I'm doing.
NS who politely asks questions privately because she doesn't know whats going on instead of asking other people.
My coworkers for being flexible and dealing with my many many many doctor visits.
I just have so much to be grateful for that I cannot possibly put it all here.

Five Minute Friday-Wonder

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Wonder...

I wonder constantly what my life would be like if I had taken other avenues.  I think about the obvious ones.  Would my child be alive if I had been more careful?  Would be marriage be better or worst if we had kids now?  Would things be different for me if I just left one day and never looked back for friends or family?  I just wonder.  I tend to keep my thoughts so bottled up that eventually I get super stressed and all the walls cave in on me and I cannot breathe.  I wonder if he thought of me before he kicked the chair, I wonder if TB wishes for a different life or partner, I wonder if all of my wondering is hurting or helping me.  I just wonder a lot.  My mind floats to better and worst scenarios when I pause at my desk or check my alarm clock.  My thoughts drift to new ideas and possibilities when I close my eyes and my muscles ache to think things could be different then they are now.  Each and every scenario brings me to the same conclusion, life is hard, life is hard no matter what choices you make or roads you travel.  Life is hard so that you don't forget how fleeting it is.  Take a deep breath mwc and take the next step forward.

J J Ju Juuly July? Its July? Why didn't anyone let me know this?

I've been operating under the impression that it is still May BECAUSE THAT IS HOW BEHIND I AM.  Not just at work or the house or recovery.  In LIFE.  I am behind in life.  I am so overwhelmed, anxious and crazy lately because I have a crazy schedule of stuff to get done, a crazy pile of stuff at work, tons to do at home, my own health to work out, court case, Dr visits, family craziness, and my own personal crazy that has been weighing me down.  I have been putting off the things that make me happy and release my stress because they are not 'necessary' and they can be put off for more sleep or cleaning or working late.  I will catch up on my blog this week if it kills me, because I have had posts in my head for weeks and have not done anything about it.  I have a working computer at home again, thanks to the lovely and fabulous JP, so I should be able to get back on track. 
It seems like most of the blogs I read have had fewer and fewer posts lately because everyone is soooo busy.  I am working to get my big projects done and streamline my routine so I can get back to mine.  I really enjoy this outlet and I have had enough time off from it.
I wanted to take a little time to myself so I can evaluate what my challenge for myself did and how it helped.  I wanted time to reflect on what is next and what I should expect from myself.  I think I've had more than enough time to do that.  Although I have not made any real decisions about what to do next or how to wrap up what I have done I am anxious to get back to this in some way.  So I will get some posts out of the way I have been meaning to finish so I am 'caught up' and then move towards figuring out where to go next with my feelings.  I have been emotionally raw lately for reasons I am not 100% sure about but I think this is the best place to let those emotions run wild and get out.  So kids, look forward to more of me around here.  Bam!

I'm not alone

I found this interesting article about a 'no baby boom' and how many people are electing to be childless.  I think it makes a lot of sense that people are choosing that route and not assuming life comes with love, marriage, children, retirement.  I like to see people are making their own choices and not following blind traditions. 

-I promise I will do some real blog posts very soon, I have just been taking some time for myself.