Two birds with one stone

I have a huge list of things to get done lately and I constantly find myself putting them off for the long list of new things that come up or the even longer list of new things I think up for myself.  I am going to take a second and do something that two different ladies urged me to do recently, brag a little.  Now, that is not exactly how they put it, they're eloquent, but that is what I am going to do.

HOLY CRAP!!!  My husband just electrocuted himself with the washer.  Seriously, his whole arm is tingling and he keeps babbling about how he's bad at electricity.  I'm not sure what to do with him.....

Sorry about that.  Well, back to the topic.  I was talking to my therapist in my last visit about how I am having a hard time getting past my miscarriage because I feel like it made me question myself about a lot of things I had never questioned before.  I feel like I am not the person I was always sure that I was.  I have always considered myself very strong and in control of most things in my life and this has just left me feeling so broken and unsure.  Its an odd feeling for me.  I have been sure of myself and my convictions for as long as I remember.  I cannot remember a time when I did not know who I was.  Not being sure of that now has left me feeling very raw and scared.  I would like to note however, that feeling sure and strong does not mean I was not open,  I think it is important to be open to all options and change your mind sometimes.  When I was talking to her she asked me what confidence was made of and what I thought a strong person meant.  She also reminded me that I was not hiding from my feelings or refusing to acknowledge my issues but wading through them and looking for a way out instead of settling.  I was being strong in a different way.  Instead of being a stable rock for myself and others I was something more fluid and malleable that moved through and around the fears and issues.  -btw I just love her she is awesome
My homework from that session was to think of what makes me a strong person and what I like about myself.  I am supposed to make a list of the things about myself that make me happy.

Shortly after that I read a post from Miss Mandy Hornbuckle that was similar.  -she is also pretty awesome
Apparently, someone asked her 'What do you think you're really, really good at? Like, probably better than anybody you know at?' and she was unsure of what to say at first.  But she made a wonderful blog post about the things in her life she is good at doing and I enjoyed reading it very much.  She also challenged people at the end to brag about themselves a little bit and tell what they are good at.  I think I will take her up on that offer and combine that with my list for my therapist. 

This has turned into kind of a long post when it was meant to be an intro to that list so I think I will complete it for tomorrow.  SOOO...... Folks, look for my list of things I am good at tomorrow.  I urge you to make your own and I urge you share it with others.  We should never be scared to point out our strong points as well as our flaws.  A person who does either too often is leading an unfortunate life most likely.

Five Minute Friday-Older

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Older....
I am a year older than my husband and we constantly tease each other about the age difference.  I always ask him if he's old enough to drink and he calls me his sugar mama.  That difference makes a huge difference sometimes though.  When I was starting college he was dating a 'co-ed' and still in high school.  When I was finding a part time job that would filter into my career goals he was aspiring to be a waiter instead of a bus boy.  When he says we can wait a few years for children I start to count how close to 30 that is.  That one short year turns into a very large chasm sometimes.  Others I don't even notice it.  It astonishes me the cultural references he doesn't get because he was too young while I was only a year older and remember is clearly.  That gap can be pretty frustrating when it feels like we have two different maturity levels but I know that the different perspectives are what really matter and help show the other person a different view of things.

Catching up is hard to do

No matter how many times I log into blogspot or how many times I edit what I have started or list what I would like to say, I just can't get started.  Soooooo..... we're gonna just start with a list of stuff I wanted to touch on and if posts come from that later than great if not, I got something out.  I just need somewhere to start.

• That poor little girl and her evil mom in TX, how could that crazy jury let her off?  That just shows you how precious your children are because some people don't deserve them.  Her parents LOVED that child, if she didn't want her she should have let someone else love her.  Give her to your parents and run off and have the life you want.  Give her to an agency that will find her a home that loves her more than you do.  Hell, leave her with a fire station or police station or hospital; TX has made it very easy to give your child up without hurting it.  There are 'Safe Drop' place everywhere that will take a child with no questions asked and get them to the right place.  If you don't love your child, find someone who will.  There are too many options to feel like murder is correct for you.
• I have started back to therapy and am really working through my feelings with my awesome counselor.  I would like to dedicate a post to something she said yesterday about being a strong vs weak person.
• My awesome husband is at home right now cooking so I will have dinner when he is showing property tonight.  I just really love him.
• Vacation is coming up quick, if I can save all the money I need I will have a great time.  If not, we'll still have a good time with friends and family.  CANNOTWAIT.
• I need a new set of goals for myself.  I really feel like I did well with my goals before and having something to work towards makes me feel much less lost.
• I still really REALLY want my tattoo I just can't seem to get it right.  =(

Five Minute Friday-Beauty

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.


Beauty....
Thinking of beauty inevitably makes me think of photography and make me miss it.  I love taking photos and would have loved to make that my career in life.  Unfortunately, that was not in my cards and I use it solely as a hobby now.  The beauty you can capture with a lens always makes me hold my breath while I am waiting for the print to develop or the preview to show.  I can make things look better or worst, bigger or smaller and I can keep the beauty I see around me in a small way with my camera. 

Five Minute Friday-Whole

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
I'm catching up on weeks I have missed.

Whole....
I feel a whole lot better than I did a couple of weeks ago but I am still working on getting completely better.
I have a huge fear that I will never feel whole again.  I worry that my loss has changed me too much and will not let me be the person I was before.  I wonder if I will be happy someday without the thought of what was lost.  I wonder if things will always be weird and funny.  I generally feel good about our decision not to force things though, and I am happy we are talking and taking control of things again.  I want to have a happy home and family, if the children in my life are not included in my home then so be it.  It doesn't make life less full or me less whole.

Walking Dead

Soooooo I have made plans to finish all of my half done posts and catch up on my 5MF and start thoughts on a new set of challenges but I have gotten sick, and I'm talking REALLY sick, every time I start to get it done.  I'm taking some time tonight and just getting it over with.  I will make the time if I have to because I like updating but have gotten out of the habit and feel like I can't put random posts up until I have finished the ones I have started.  I spent the last 3 weeks feeling like a zombie just shuffling around my house and office feeling ridiculously awful.  My wonderful husband TB is very sick of me being sick and has started giving me this super concerned brow furrow every time I say I don't feel well.  I have also had to make up all the time I missed in the office and have been pretty swamped.  Also our house guest JP is a little more time consuming than I thought she would be.  Still happy to have her though.  =)

Alive

I'm not dead, just been a zombie lately.  Sick and busy at work do not mix.  I promise to post again soon soon soon. 

Five Minute Friday-Still

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Still....


I am still not feeling well.
I am still sick.
I am still not losing weight or allowed to really exercise.
My husband still doesn't get it, though he tries a lot of the time.
I still feel overwhelmed at work.
I still have the best friends and family that literally drop what they are doing if I need them.
I still feel  tired all the time and have no energy.
I still may need major surgery, I still don't want it.
There is still a chance that I could be healthy in the future but I still don't believe it.
I cannot sit still at work anymore, it is getting too uncomfortable.
I still can't tell if this treatment is helping my pain, I still feel it.
My house is still messy and my medical bills are still unpaid.
I still have to find the strength to get out of bed every morning and not to cry every night.
Every time I feel like I am scraping the bottom of my inner-strength-barrel I still find a handful when I really need it.
There are still things that terrify me about the future and my health.
There is still no end in sight for my struggles, which also means no end for my husband TB's struggles.
At night my legs ache and hurt I cannot stay still long enough to fall asleep until I am so exhausted from the pain that I drift off.
I still have no idea if I ever even want to put myself through another pregnancy, if I want a baby of my own.
I am still working on my list of positive things about being childless.
I still want my tattoo but I just haven't gotten it right yet.
I still need to finish my next challenge to myself so I can get started.
I did catch up with 5MF but I am still behind on all the posts I want to put up.
I still really wish I could just take a big breath and start to get back on track, I just still feel like I can't.

Five Minute Friday-Full

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Full...

Full makes me think of my husband immediately.  We have a running theme in our lives the last few years and it is my hunger.  For whatever reason, meds, bad luck, crazy medical condition, my hunger has been incredible.  Some days I literally eat everything in sight and some days I cannot choke down water.  Every day is struggle between me and my stomach.  If I do not eat within about 20 mins of starting to feel hungry I literally get sick.  Do you know how frustrating that is?  Most of my medication makes me nauseous while it also makes me hungry.  Because I cannot really exercise enough to lose weight I have ballooned to huge huge huge and so then what to eat becomes a struggle.  Luckily I crave good food, though my husband who has to cook while I lay in bed moaning does not feel as lucky.  We have tried multiple systems and plans and cannot seem to get things on track.  I just can't get full.  Even if I eat enough to fill the space my mind wants more.  Its frustrating.

Five Minute Friday-Loss

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Loss....

Loss is something I deal with in my blog every day because it is something that I deal with in life every day.  You have no idea how many people ask why I am not 'over it' yet, but loss is not something you get over it is only something you can move through.  You have to wade in the loss and the pain and the hardship you have to get in over your head and lose your balance you have to move through it because once you are on the other side you can look back and see what you have accomplished.  If you do not feel it you will never deal with it.  If you do not work through the pain and problems you will never know life without it.  You have to force yourself through the difficult times to enjoy the good ones.  Enduring loss is something great and though we are all familiar with the path life takes no one is ever really ready for the loss that comes inevitably at the end of life.  Learn from your loss no matter how big or small.  Use memories, people and activities to keep you afloat and never apologize for your loss, just work through it.

Five Minute Friday-Grateful

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

I am so incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful ring of supportive family and friends.
The people that bring me dinner when I'm on bed rest, the friends that call to ask how I am, the people who leave funny facebook comments to distract me, my infallible nurse CZ who is ALWAYS there no matter what.
They are all wonderful, the family members who stroke my forehead when I am crying, the people who answer my midnight phone calls that make no sense, the cleaning, cooking and errands that get magically done. 
HB who is my ice cream fairy.
The Slurpees, carne guisada and Jack and Coke that I am given that always tastes sooooo good at a bad time.
Sweet TB who massages my tender legs and puts his arms around me when I wake up crying from pain or bad dreams.
My wonderful mama SG who tries to put things in an annoyingly positive perspective.
SC or JBU that commiserate with me when I go through something difficult or painful.
The friends that listen to me ramble endlessly when all they asked was how I'm doing.
NS who politely asks questions privately because she doesn't know whats going on instead of asking other people.
My coworkers for being flexible and dealing with my many many many doctor visits.
I just have so much to be grateful for that I cannot possibly put it all here.

Five Minute Friday-Wonder

I am catching up on the Fridays that I have missed in the last month.

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)

Wonder...

I wonder constantly what my life would be like if I had taken other avenues.  I think about the obvious ones.  Would my child be alive if I had been more careful?  Would be marriage be better or worst if we had kids now?  Would things be different for me if I just left one day and never looked back for friends or family?  I just wonder.  I tend to keep my thoughts so bottled up that eventually I get super stressed and all the walls cave in on me and I cannot breathe.  I wonder if he thought of me before he kicked the chair, I wonder if TB wishes for a different life or partner, I wonder if all of my wondering is hurting or helping me.  I just wonder a lot.  My mind floats to better and worst scenarios when I pause at my desk or check my alarm clock.  My thoughts drift to new ideas and possibilities when I close my eyes and my muscles ache to think things could be different then they are now.  Each and every scenario brings me to the same conclusion, life is hard, life is hard no matter what choices you make or roads you travel.  Life is hard so that you don't forget how fleeting it is.  Take a deep breath mwc and take the next step forward.

J J Ju Juuly July? Its July? Why didn't anyone let me know this?

I've been operating under the impression that it is still May BECAUSE THAT IS HOW BEHIND I AM.  Not just at work or the house or recovery.  In LIFE.  I am behind in life.  I am so overwhelmed, anxious and crazy lately because I have a crazy schedule of stuff to get done, a crazy pile of stuff at work, tons to do at home, my own health to work out, court case, Dr visits, family craziness, and my own personal crazy that has been weighing me down.  I have been putting off the things that make me happy and release my stress because they are not 'necessary' and they can be put off for more sleep or cleaning or working late.  I will catch up on my blog this week if it kills me, because I have had posts in my head for weeks and have not done anything about it.  I have a working computer at home again, thanks to the lovely and fabulous JP, so I should be able to get back on track. 
It seems like most of the blogs I read have had fewer and fewer posts lately because everyone is soooo busy.  I am working to get my big projects done and streamline my routine so I can get back to mine.  I really enjoy this outlet and I have had enough time off from it.
I wanted to take a little time to myself so I can evaluate what my challenge for myself did and how it helped.  I wanted time to reflect on what is next and what I should expect from myself.  I think I've had more than enough time to do that.  Although I have not made any real decisions about what to do next or how to wrap up what I have done I am anxious to get back to this in some way.  So I will get some posts out of the way I have been meaning to finish so I am 'caught up' and then move towards figuring out where to go next with my feelings.  I have been emotionally raw lately for reasons I am not 100% sure about but I think this is the best place to let those emotions run wild and get out.  So kids, look forward to more of me around here.  Bam!

I'm not alone

I found this interesting article about a 'no baby boom' and how many people are electing to be childless.  I think it makes a lot of sense that people are choosing that route and not assuming life comes with love, marriage, children, retirement.  I like to see people are making their own choices and not following blind traditions. 

-I promise I will do some real blog posts very soon, I have just been taking some time for myself. 

A very interesting thought

I know my mom would do this for me in a second if I let her lol.

Thanks to CZ for this neat interview/article

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/w_ParentingResource/daughter-undergo-transplant-mothers-womb/story?id=13830608

Days on my Calendar

1st-  My work calendar starts over again and things get busy.
3rd-  The busiest day of my month.

4th-  I threw a middle school style girlie sleepover for one of my best best friends KA and invited my other best best friend CZ and the three of us had an absolute blast playing MASH and doing each other's hair.  (mine is below)

5th-  Book Club night, we read Snow Crash and had munchies, things got sort of crazy but ended on good notes I think.  Also KA's actual Bday.

6th-  My aunt and uncle took a week off starting this day so they could spend time with their kids who are now out of school.

7th-  Watched the Mavs kill it at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.

9th-  My fil's bday.  Watched the Mavs win again at Austin Avenue with TF and TB.

10th-  Dr visit, then burgers and yummy food at TB's grandparents' house with the whole family for my fil's bday, then saw one of our fave bands Night Train at The Dirty Rooster and rocked late into the night with lots of friends, CZ, RB, TL, TB, KA, DW, AB.  AB and I may have had a little too much fun that night.....

11th-  Bday BBQ with great food for our friend OC.  Had a good time hanging out.

12th-  Mavs took the championship, watched it at Austin Avenue with DW, RB, TL, TF, TB, and AB.

13th-  My littlest bro celebrated the 13th anniversary of his 8th bday, gave him some cash and a big hug.

In the wee hours of the 13th/14th my other brother went to the hospital with some kidney failure-scary.

14th-  TB and I were married 3 yrs ago this day.  Visited my bro CG in the hospital to see how he was doing.

15th-Bro was released from the hospital and told to rest.

16th-slept.

17th- Got a drink with our friends RB and TL.

18th-Went to The Improv for little bro AG's bday celebration.

19th-  Brats and potato salad with the fam for father's day.  My little cousin turned 8 for the 3rd time.

20th-Tried to relax.

Phew!  Thats a lot of stuff.  I'm tired from reading it.

Five Minute Friday-Home

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Home.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

I find myself slipping and calling my office home and my parents' house home as well as my own apartment.  When it comes out I immediately groan because I either work so much that I feel like I live at the office and call it my home or I am so used to living in the same house with the same dynamic for 16 years that I call my childhood home my home now.  Being a part owner of this business gives me a lot of pride and sense of ownership here so I guess its not that bad to spit out home by accident and my parents' place was my home for a huge part of my life and I have only lived on my own for five years and that isn't much compared to the time spent there.
When I call work or my parents' place home I get aggravated because they represent two things in my life that I want very badly to get past.  My family is a group of entrepreneurial people that like to work hard and long hours to make the business they started grow.  On the other side of that, we are all workaholics.  I always swore I would be the type of person that can put work aside while I am on vacation and not take the office home with me each night.  Calling work home just reminds me how hard that is.  Especially when the business does so much for me, I feel obligated to do my best to be flexible even in my off hours.
When I call my parents' house home it reminds me of the often unhealthy situations and family dynamic I grew up in.  Although I love my family very much and have lots of fun and happy memories with them, our day to day lives were a big struggle.  When I go to my actual home I feel sick and out of control because its probably not very clean and I usually curl up in bed tired.

When I'm in a good mood home makes me think of my cats and my husband.

Five Minute Friday-Backwards

Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  =)
Backwards.....

(I am aware I'm late and its not Friday)

My baby fears always make me feel like I'm falling backwards.  As soon as I feel like I am strong and moving past my insecurities something stupid happens that makes me feel like I am falling backwards.  My little cousin saying he wants me to babysit him makes me tear up, seeing photos of my friends' kids on facebook, meeting babies for the first time all make feel so out of control.  I had the pleasure of meeting my husband's cousin's kids and they are so cute and adorable, I just didn't know what to do.  Looking at them simultaneously makes my heart ache and swell.  I am so happy to have these kids in my life I just want to be sure I am not clouding that good fortune with my own stupid feelings.  I am finding that since my pain is a little less raw than before I am not sure how to really deal with it.  I don't burst into tears or avoid kids so when I see them I find myself feeling blue and going back to my old thoughts.  I start to question myself and if I"m doing things right.  I start to wonder if I am as strong as I thought I was.

MIA

I know I have been seriously neglecting my blog it has just been crazy in my life lately and I just didn't get to it.  The last REAL post that I put up was on the 6th.  Yikes.  I have some catch up posts to do then a run down of why I've been gone so long and some good news.  Because I'm a dork, they need to be seperate posts.  Enjoy.

Challenge End

Assess mental health, pick a new plan for the next 6 months and talk about timeline with my husband.