The doc is coming back to Texas sometime in March and we will be doing the final evaluation (again) to see the progress of my meds and all the procedures on my uterus. When we do this we will have an idea of where things are on the recovery schedule and what is going on. Last time we have a 'final' evaluation (I'd just like to point out how annoyed I am every time he calls it that, I get its at the end of the recovery program but it cannot be final if this is number 2) he decided I could still get better and I was healthy enough for another round. So I guess my options would be, quit, recovery is over, I am healthy enough for another session or I can move on to the ACTUAL final step in this long long long process. It has been like 4 years you guys. Soooo there's that pressure coming.
The pain in my legs and feet has gotten much much worst over the last months so I was sent to get x rays and an MRI. The MRI found 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs, so ouch. I was sent to a back doctor who checked me out and sent me to physical therapy first and decided we'd see how that went. I also got some new meds (yay) and was told to try those. They help my leg pain but I can't keep food down so its a 50/50 sort of thing. Physical therapy however, has really been helping. I have been going to Core Physical Therapy twice a week for almost 2 months now and I can really feel the difference. The doctor laughed when I told him I was excited that although I still have bad pain every day I do not have as much shooting paid or numbness and I could sleep through the night better. I guess pain every day is not a good thing but any improvement is great to me. The ladies at Core are great, they are really gentle and helpful and they listen which is wonderful. A lot of places can get too focused on an end point and push too hard too fast and my body just can't do that. I am very slow going but I am improving. The pain in my feet and calves has moved to my hips, thighs and back which is technically a good thing because it has to move up to move out. I try extra hard to do my stretches at home every day and do anything I can to get better. So more doctors, more pills, more stuff to do but some results. So overall things are going pretty well in that area I'd say.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Catch Up
I haven't posted much since early December and what I have posted has not been very informative so I thought I'd do a little catch up session with what is all going on.
The week before christmas I had to have another last minute micro-surgery to close up the rips in my scar tissue and was not allowed to drive or lift anything. TB was still hunched over and couldn't do much of anything and was at this point using a 'cane' (an upside down golf club) to get around. This meant that our wonderful families chauffeured us around all weekend long. My brother picked us up with ALL of our gifts since we were not able to get back to the house for 2 days and took us to my grandparents' house on my dad's side. We had a very nice holiday with no fighting or craziness. My sweet mother in law AB picked us up and took us down the road to her sister's place for festivities with that side of the family. We spent a nice night eating food and opening gifts and sitting by the fireplace. Mostly, we sat on the couch groaning and everyone else did those things around us, but it worked. We spent the night at AB's and stayed up late watching a really great black and white movie that I don't remember the name of now and had a very nice night before we fell asleep on the couches. We awoke to coffee brewing and the tree twinkling with lights because AB had tiptoed around and made everything extra festive while we were sleeping. -she's so cute. That morning was lovely opening gifts with AB, my brother in law BB and TB. We had a very nice intimate little christmas morning that was just perfect. After getting dressed and piling our haul of goodies in AB's car, she dropped us off at my other grandmother's house on her way out of town. We sat on the couch and enjoyed a much noisier and busier holiday at that house. There are 16 of us on that side and the youngest cousins are still 6 and 8 so there are lots of loud toys and fun stories and 'what did Santa bring you' questions. We had some brunch/lunch and took turns opening our gifts one by one. We have always had a rule over there that you open gifts one at a time going youngest to oldest so everyone can see what everyone else got. This tradition has grown since me, both of my brothers and my cousin now bring their husband/fiances/girlfriend to the get together. So now we sit through 5 or 6 rounds of 16 gifts each and it can take a while lol. Once all the floor had been covered with paper and small toys and gifts everyone was stuffed full, my brother AG and his girlfriend took us home and I paid them for helping us put the gifts away and cleaning up the house a little. We both laid down, took our pain meds and went to sleep. It was a pretty nice time.
This was only supposed to be a small section of my post and has now grown pretty long so I think I will continue the rest next time.
The week before christmas I had to have another last minute micro-surgery to close up the rips in my scar tissue and was not allowed to drive or lift anything. TB was still hunched over and couldn't do much of anything and was at this point using a 'cane' (an upside down golf club) to get around. This meant that our wonderful families chauffeured us around all weekend long. My brother picked us up with ALL of our gifts since we were not able to get back to the house for 2 days and took us to my grandparents' house on my dad's side. We had a very nice holiday with no fighting or craziness. My sweet mother in law AB picked us up and took us down the road to her sister's place for festivities with that side of the family. We spent a nice night eating food and opening gifts and sitting by the fireplace. Mostly, we sat on the couch groaning and everyone else did those things around us, but it worked. We spent the night at AB's and stayed up late watching a really great black and white movie that I don't remember the name of now and had a very nice night before we fell asleep on the couches. We awoke to coffee brewing and the tree twinkling with lights because AB had tiptoed around and made everything extra festive while we were sleeping. -she's so cute. That morning was lovely opening gifts with AB, my brother in law BB and TB. We had a very nice intimate little christmas morning that was just perfect. After getting dressed and piling our haul of goodies in AB's car, she dropped us off at my other grandmother's house on her way out of town. We sat on the couch and enjoyed a much noisier and busier holiday at that house. There are 16 of us on that side and the youngest cousins are still 6 and 8 so there are lots of loud toys and fun stories and 'what did Santa bring you' questions. We had some brunch/lunch and took turns opening our gifts one by one. We have always had a rule over there that you open gifts one at a time going youngest to oldest so everyone can see what everyone else got. This tradition has grown since me, both of my brothers and my cousin now bring their husband/fiances/girlfriend to the get together. So now we sit through 5 or 6 rounds of 16 gifts each and it can take a while lol. Once all the floor had been covered with paper and small toys and gifts everyone was stuffed full, my brother AG and his girlfriend took us home and I paid them for helping us put the gifts away and cleaning up the house a little. We both laid down, took our pain meds and went to sleep. It was a pretty nice time.
This was only supposed to be a small section of my post and has now grown pretty long so I think I will continue the rest next time.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Ache
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Ache
Ache is a word I know very well. The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems. The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason. The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs. The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around. That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery. The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently. The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it. That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father. That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have. Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend. The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart. Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun. Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine. Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about. Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age. Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was. Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts. Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger. I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it. Ache is what I know. Ache is constant. Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of. The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away. Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there. For now, I am working on lessening my aches. Maybe someday that will change.
Ache
Ache is a word I know very well. The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems. The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason. The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs. The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around. That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery. The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently. The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it. That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father. That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have. Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend. The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart. Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun. Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine. Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about. Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age. Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was. Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts. Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger. I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it. Ache is what I know. Ache is constant. Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of. The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away. Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there. For now, I am working on lessening my aches. Maybe someday that will change.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Grit
Thanks MH for the encouragement, I AM going to make a 5 minute Friday post today. Ignoring it because it didn't come from Gitz is not really the best choice. I also for some reason have it in my head that I need to do all the ones I missed and when I looked back I found that I have not posted one since September and have missed 22 of them. Well damn. Thats quite a lot. Maybe it will get me back in the habit of posting though.... stay tuned.
Ok Here goes.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Grit
Grit makes me think of determination. It makes me think of the internal motivation and want that must be strong to go for the goal you really want to accomplish. It also makes me think of sports, but most things make me think of sports so that part is a little irrelevant. Mostly flag football games played at the park and the snowy games in Green Bay that are fun to watch or the loud smack you hear when the hockey players check each other into the glass. Man, I love hockey. Those guys must have to stick through a lot to get what they really really want. I mean yea, eventually when you are the pro you get lots of perks and goodies and its fun to be a celebrity. (Darryl Johnston is still the only person who ever rendered me speechless when I met him) But think of all the dieting and flying and training and work and rules and curfews and unrealistic expectations you must live up to in order to actually be a pro athlete. How it must feel to want something sooo badly. I don't know that I have a specific goal like that. I have regular goals, get healthy, be happy and protect my family but I don't know if I have anything that I have spent my life working towards. I wonder if its too late for something like that to appear. I don't think you can really go looking for those kinds of things, something that so moves you has to find you. It cannot be found. Or tried. Or looked for.
Hmmm.... that didn't really go where I thought it would.... I guess thats the point of these things though.
Ok Here goes.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Grit
Grit makes me think of determination. It makes me think of the internal motivation and want that must be strong to go for the goal you really want to accomplish. It also makes me think of sports, but most things make me think of sports so that part is a little irrelevant. Mostly flag football games played at the park and the snowy games in Green Bay that are fun to watch or the loud smack you hear when the hockey players check each other into the glass. Man, I love hockey. Those guys must have to stick through a lot to get what they really really want. I mean yea, eventually when you are the pro you get lots of perks and goodies and its fun to be a celebrity. (Darryl Johnston is still the only person who ever rendered me speechless when I met him) But think of all the dieting and flying and training and work and rules and curfews and unrealistic expectations you must live up to in order to actually be a pro athlete. How it must feel to want something sooo badly. I don't know that I have a specific goal like that. I have regular goals, get healthy, be happy and protect my family but I don't know if I have anything that I have spent my life working towards. I wonder if its too late for something like that to appear. I don't think you can really go looking for those kinds of things, something that so moves you has to find you. It cannot be found. Or tried. Or looked for.
Hmmm.... that didn't really go where I thought it would.... I guess thats the point of these things though.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday is upon us once again....
Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday. -Obviously
This also means that Gypsy Mama will post a 5 minute Friday post. See, I started doing 5 minute Fridays after MH showed me a blog by Gitzen Girl that had a great 5 minute Friday post about parents having childless friends. (are you following me through that crazy sentence?)
Well since Gitz is gone I've found it kinda hard to keep the 5 minute Friday updates coming. First of all, I always got the prompts from her blog. Second, it makes me sad when I get the blog update on my phone from Gypsy Mama and I don't have one from Gitz. Each Friday I read the post from GM and think about it and then never blog because it makes me sad. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Let's see.....
This also means that Gypsy Mama will post a 5 minute Friday post. See, I started doing 5 minute Fridays after MH showed me a blog by Gitzen Girl that had a great 5 minute Friday post about parents having childless friends. (are you following me through that crazy sentence?)
Well since Gitz is gone I've found it kinda hard to keep the 5 minute Friday updates coming. First of all, I always got the prompts from her blog. Second, it makes me sad when I get the blog update on my phone from Gypsy Mama and I don't have one from Gitz. Each Friday I read the post from GM and think about it and then never blog because it makes me sad. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Let's see.....
Monday, February 20, 2012
Big Breath
I know its been a while guys, I have a million excuses but mostly I've just been overwhelmed. I am trying to get back to this because its something I really like doing.
I've been going to physical therapy lately and have added TWO more doctors to the ones I already see so it has been a little nuts. My new meds make me feel awful and work has been busy and everyone I know is sick or hurt so I have been running around all kinds of crazy and getting nothing done. Its times like those that I feel like a 'sick person,' I don't have energy to clean my house or make dinner, I don't have the strength to help my great grandmother out of the car and I just don't have the patience for poor TB who is stuck doing it all. Ugh. I don't like feeling at all helpless and thats what bouts like this feel like. I am working really hard at PT though and feel like its helping a lot so I plan to have more energy soon.
On the other hand, TB has been pretty jerky lately so as an I'm sorry he has been cleaning our apartment. Really cleaning it. Cleaning it the way I used to clean it. I am pretty OCD and any spec or spot bothers me, I don't like things out of place or unorganized and I find joy in throwin things away and having a clean space. TB, not so much. If it does not smell awful, the house is clean. Needless to say we are different and I do not force him to clean the way I want to when I can't do it. Our house is pretty spotless right now. It is a very nice gesture to see him work so hard when I know it isn't important to him. He even scrubbed the baseboards.
Seeing the clean house lets me exhale a little and feel a little more in control and supported. Its hard to be the spouse of someone sick all of the time, he sure puts up with a lot.
I've been going to physical therapy lately and have added TWO more doctors to the ones I already see so it has been a little nuts. My new meds make me feel awful and work has been busy and everyone I know is sick or hurt so I have been running around all kinds of crazy and getting nothing done. Its times like those that I feel like a 'sick person,' I don't have energy to clean my house or make dinner, I don't have the strength to help my great grandmother out of the car and I just don't have the patience for poor TB who is stuck doing it all. Ugh. I don't like feeling at all helpless and thats what bouts like this feel like. I am working really hard at PT though and feel like its helping a lot so I plan to have more energy soon.
On the other hand, TB has been pretty jerky lately so as an I'm sorry he has been cleaning our apartment. Really cleaning it. Cleaning it the way I used to clean it. I am pretty OCD and any spec or spot bothers me, I don't like things out of place or unorganized and I find joy in throwin things away and having a clean space. TB, not so much. If it does not smell awful, the house is clean. Needless to say we are different and I do not force him to clean the way I want to when I can't do it. Our house is pretty spotless right now. It is a very nice gesture to see him work so hard when I know it isn't important to him. He even scrubbed the baseboards.
Seeing the clean house lets me exhale a little and feel a little more in control and supported. Its hard to be the spouse of someone sick all of the time, he sure puts up with a lot.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Life can be hard
TB hurt his back and has been hunched over and barely walking this week and it has been crazy. It is very difficult to be the able bodied family member when I am in so much pain. My legs are throbbing, my feet are tingling and my toes are numb. I cannot sleep and work and everything else has me crazy stressed. TB cannot lift or bend and can barely walk or move.
I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend. I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do. I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday. My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with. My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late. I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car. I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish. We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.
I am not sleeping. I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested. I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at leastpass out get some rest. IT HAS BEEN WEEKS. No sleep for weeks makes me cranky and unmotivated.
I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills. I hate it. I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office. It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.
The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now. I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before. You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.
TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us). He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour. Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels. I'm getting even less done than usual.
We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run. The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days. So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday. That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around. We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.
Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.
I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.
I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective. Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF. No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough. Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is. Things will be ok. Things will be ok. Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend. I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do. I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday. My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with. My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late. I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car. I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish. We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.
I am not sleeping. I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested. I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at least
I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills. I hate it. I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office. It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.
The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now. I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before. You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.
TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us). He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour. Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels. I'm getting even less done than usual.
We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run. The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days. So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday. That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around. We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.
Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.
I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.
I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective. Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF. No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough. Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is. Things will be ok. Things will be ok. Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It Happens
I read a short article here that says Michelle Dugger of 19 Kids and Counting had a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester. That's a sad thing to hear, but I thought all of the nasty comments after the article were even worst. It is not anyone's right to tell you when to have kids or how many is enough, telling any mother she 'deserved it' or that 'it was a sign' is just disgusting. You don't have to agree with what she does but how can you really tell someone its a good thing they lost their child?
People are gross.
People are gross.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Interesting
We were at the office today and TB was having one of those lethargic, burnt out sort of workdays so I suggested he do something other than work and cut up some photos I had printed for a few minutes. After he was done, I gathered them up, 'Thanks for cutting these for me. See? I told you that you wouldn't mess them up.' He remarked, 'I tend to mess everything up somehow I just figured I could mess those up too.' I told him, 'I don't think you mess things up, you just keep life interesting.' And as I said that I turned around to see him leaning waaaay back in his desk chair and then throw a star shaped stress ball straight into his eye. He yelled that it hurt and doubled over while we both cracked up. 'I think you just made my point for me dear.'
Its the little things that keep life interesting. It certainly is never dull at my house. Or work I guess.....
Its the little things that keep life interesting. It certainly is never dull at my house. Or work I guess.....
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Good Advice
This article has some good advice about how to talk to your childless friends if you are a parent. I have to agree with all of these things. =)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Carving Pumpkins
Tonight we are carving pumpkins with my friends, something I just love to so. We get silly, usually put on random costumes or masks and take a ton of laughing pictures. I like to see how creative everyone gets and I end up with a huge display of jack o lanterns when we're done. CZ came the first year, then CA and SC, then CZ, SC and BZ, this year CZ, JF JP and my little brother AG are coming and its gonna be a blast.
In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays. Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce. Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them. These are things I just loved doing.
Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun. The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning. I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back. I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.
In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays. Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce. Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them. These are things I just loved doing.
Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun. The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning. I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back. I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
10-15
Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sounds like a long and sad name, but if you think about it its pretty nice. A lot of ladies feel like they cannot talk about the loss of a baby or miscarriage. Many people feel like this is less of a loss because they are not born yet or are alive for such a short time. I, obviously, feel the opposite of this and want to celebrate the people that have gone through it. All people should be able to express their grief and should be encouraged to deal with that issue instead of push it away or ignore it. I hope that everyone has the opportunity in their life to share their joys and pains with someone. I hope that all of you have someone you can talk to or be with when you are dealing with difficult times, pregnancy related or not. Take this day of remembrance and hold those close to you that have dealt with difficult times. It can be embarrassing and confusing. Give strength to those that need it in your life and don't be afraid to ask when you need a little back.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
4 long/short years
My baby could be turning 4 today. That just breaks my heart. I want to badly to be able to hold him and just be with him. I know that just isn't what was meant to be but I still struggle with it. Did I do something so wrong that karma took away my ability to have kids? I just hate to think that my kid could be trailing around behind me, learning things about the world and soaking in the love I know he would get. I sometimes feel like its hard to miss something that you never really had but those thoughts were there, the life was there and the love was there. I had my whole world planned and suddenly that ended. How can I go on to have more children when I feel like that is the wrong thing to do? How can I tell the difference between my gut feeling telling me what is right for me and my guilt chastising me for what has happened?
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make. Who would our child be? I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses? My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families. I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like? Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have. I want to know what that is like. I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone. I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow. I want to know those things with all of my heart. But... I know that just may not be what happens for me. I may not get those experiences. I might not ever be that person I thought I would be. I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though. I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through it all.
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make. Who would our child be? I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses? My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families. I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like? Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have. I want to know what that is like. I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone. I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow. I want to know those things with all of my heart. But... I know that just may not be what happens for me. I may not get those experiences. I might not ever be that person I thought I would be. I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though. I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through it all.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Scarred
Soo.... I got it! I got my tattoo finally.
BAAAMMMMM!! There it is.
I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person. This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special. I am so happy with it =)
BAAAMMMMM!! There it is.
I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person. This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special. I am so happy with it =)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Family Vacation
I am coming to the end of a family vacation to the beach at Port Aransas, TX. We have spent the last 4 nights laughing, talking and hanging out together. We used to come to this beach as kids with my parents and grandparents and TB and I have been coming the last few years with friends because we like it so much. This time we came to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday and enjoy time together. My grandparents came with and all of us 3 kids had a significant other to bring. Its really fun and sorta weird. We used to play in the sand and build castles and run in the waves as little kids and instead this year my brother proposed on the beach with the whole family watching. It was really wonderful.
I haven't lived at my parents' house for 5 years now. I don't get this big family interaction every day like my brothers do that still live with them. Being surrounded by all these people and having such a nice time makes me feel full. I feel like my life is/will be fine without children. I also can see towards the future when we come back with a brood of my nieces and nephews to show them the beach. My family is weird/difficult/complicated and so much fun I can barely stand it sometimes. We are truly a circus sometimes. But they are my family and I love them with everything I have. Watching my brothers lovingly dote on their girlfriends, seeing my parents hold hands and listening to stories of when my grandparents were newly married makes me know that these people are my home. They are my heart.
I know that TB and I may not get to do this with our kids in the future but I know that we will be included when my brothers do it with theirs. We will have little ones to run around in our lives whether they are ours or not.
Days like these make it easy to think I will never have a traditional family life because I ALREADY have an awesome one. Kids or no kids, life can be good. Just like right now. As everyone starts to wake up and pack to go home because they have other obligations, we get to pack and move to another condo because our friend KA is driving down today and we get a few more days at the beach with friends. I could not do that if I had kids in tow. I am grateful for the things in life that show me that it will be ok.
I haven't lived at my parents' house for 5 years now. I don't get this big family interaction every day like my brothers do that still live with them. Being surrounded by all these people and having such a nice time makes me feel full. I feel like my life is/will be fine without children. I also can see towards the future when we come back with a brood of my nieces and nephews to show them the beach. My family is weird/difficult/complicated and so much fun I can barely stand it sometimes. We are truly a circus sometimes. But they are my family and I love them with everything I have. Watching my brothers lovingly dote on their girlfriends, seeing my parents hold hands and listening to stories of when my grandparents were newly married makes me know that these people are my home. They are my heart.
I know that TB and I may not get to do this with our kids in the future but I know that we will be included when my brothers do it with theirs. We will have little ones to run around in our lives whether they are ours or not.
Days like these make it easy to think I will never have a traditional family life because I ALREADY have an awesome one. Kids or no kids, life can be good. Just like right now. As everyone starts to wake up and pack to go home because they have other obligations, we get to pack and move to another condo because our friend KA is driving down today and we get a few more days at the beach with friends. I could not do that if I had kids in tow. I am grateful for the things in life that show me that it will be ok.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Faith
I have always been very interested in religion, I have spent time in my life researching various religions and reading their various scripts and learning their stories. I feel like religion is a very personal decision and I like to be informed. I want to decide that religion is right for me and embrace it. I want to make the choice where my faith belongs. I have visited many many different kinds of churches and asked lots of people to share about their religion. I have found that that just isn't for me. I respect those that have such a relationship with their god that they are able to ignore those who argue with them or disagree, I respect making a commitment to their god and working to make their life what he would want. I love to hear about other people's faith and relationship with their religion. Reading Gitzen Girl's blog shows me someone with incredible faith. Her faith through all her obstacles is inspiring. She is the only person I have ever 'known' who has made me wonder if I am wrong. Without saying anything to me or doing anything in particular she has shown me a life filled with faith. It makes me happy to know she has that faith in these last hours. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have that faith, to have a different relationship with god. Although I still feel like this is not for me and not a life I would lead, putting that thought in my head is powerful. I think it is important to reaffirm your choices in life. Making a decision one day and sticking to it just because that is your decision is something I do not agree with. I think you should question yourself sometimes and makes decisions every day. You may find that your decision today is the same as yesterday, that's great, that means you are doing what is right for you. Sometimes you may make a different decision tomorrow, that's good too it means you have changed and your decisions are changing with you. Choose to have faith every day and you will live an active life with god the way Gitz has. Choose to have faith one day and then go through the motions and you are not letting yourself live the best life you can. Find where you want to put your faith and do it. Put all of it where you find it is best for you. Do it. Do not hesitate. But question yourself throughout your life, ask yourself if your faith is still there because you are still there or if it is still there because its easy. Faith is powerful and it can be wielded in many different ways. Gitzen Girl chooses to have faith in her god every single day, every moment in fact. I respect that she makes that choice constantly and had led her life knowing that her faith is in the right place.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
My friend Gitz?
A wonderful person I sort of know is going through a difficult time. She has had a long term debilitating medical condition that has kept her from many things in her life. It has never stopped her from being positive, honest and inspiring though. She is someone who does not let the things she cannot do get her down. Her motto Choose Joy is indeed how she lives. She trusts fully that god has made the right choice for her life and has even found that being isolated in her condo without work or distractions can be a good thing because it lets her be close to god. She has such incredible faith it is just amazing. You see, I don't actually know Gitzen Girl in person. We have never talked on the phone or really even had a direct conversation. I was introduced to her blog through a friend I do know, Mandy, who showed me a beautiful post with great perspective about not having children and what that brings to her friends that do. After that post I was hooked. I found myself reading old posts on my phone while TB drove us home from work. Her outlook is just so interesting to me, so empowering. She has the ability to truly 'let go and let god' and although I have heard this for many many years I have yet to see someone fulfill it. I am surrounded by people this week, when I seem down or start to zone out to think of Gitz and her many many posts that touched me, someone always seems to ask what is wrong. I find myself saying, 'my friend is dying.' I feel a little funny saying that considering I do not really know her and have not met. I also do not want to take away from those who do know her. But she makes it easy to feel like she is my friend. She makes it easy to feel like I know her. She is so open about her life that I feel like we are friends, I have read so many of her words that it feels like a conversation we've had. Looking at her comments I see all the blog followers, friends and family that have lovely sentiments for her and I know that though she cannot see them she can certainly feel them. Those that know her are wrapping her in comfort, love and admiration. I will miss seeing your posts and getting to know you better Gitz. I will miss you. I hope that you are no longer in pain and that you can sit with your dad and watch over the ones you love. You can't know how much your words have inspired me to be more positive and accept the things I have been handed. My own journey through medical problems, restrictions and procedures has been punctuated with your never ending positive perspective that gives me a different view and sometimes pull me out of my own thoughts. I am not there yet, I still have a terrible outlook on my recovery, but I am working towards it. I am trying to get there and you are a large stepping stone. Thank you for your words, your blog and your life. Rest peacefully when it is your time and feel no pain. You will not know how many lives you have touched.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Five Minute Friday-in real life
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.
In real life....
In real life you cannot bitch about how things are not fair. You and I are different and do not deserve the same things. So just shut up. Those guys over there have been through things you don't know about. People you have never even noticed notice you every day. You just can't complain about whether things are fair or not. We have all been brought up with positive reinforcement so it makes sense that working hard gets you good things. That's just not how it always happens. Sometimes good people get bad stuff. Sometimes its not a happy ending. Things don't just go away.
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.
In real life....
In real life you cannot bitch about how things are not fair. You and I are different and do not deserve the same things. So just shut up. Those guys over there have been through things you don't know about. People you have never even noticed notice you every day. You just can't complain about whether things are fair or not. We have all been brought up with positive reinforcement so it makes sense that working hard gets you good things. That's just not how it always happens. Sometimes good people get bad stuff. Sometimes its not a happy ending. Things don't just go away.
Five Minute Friday-Rest
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.
Rest.....
Rest is something that plagues my life. I'm sure most everyone feels like they don't get enough rest. I certainly do. When I am truly at rest I feel so relaxed and light, no heavy problems weighing on my brain for that moment. I am usually curled into the nook of my husband's arm or laying with a snuggly cat purring on me or just laying in my bed by myself thinking how nice it is to have a moment to myself. I went to Possum Kingdom last weekend and when people ask about it I excitedly tell them I read a book on the dock for almost 2 hours. I usually get a strange look. I am most excited to read my book at the lake? What about the boat or jet ski or fishing or hiking or fun people? Well yea, all of those things are nice but I spent a nice chunk of time propped up against the post of the dock reading while the wind flapped my pages and KA read silently nearby. It was just heaven. That is the kind of rest I think I crave the most. I can always sleep if I take a pill or get tired enough. I can always make it through a sleep deprived day when I am filled to the brim with coffee but that kind of rest where nothing is weighing me down, interrupting me or causing me problems is the kind that truly energizes me to my core. Hopefully my upcoming vacation will provide similar rest.
I'm catching up on ones I have missed.
Rest.....
Rest is something that plagues my life. I'm sure most everyone feels like they don't get enough rest. I certainly do. When I am truly at rest I feel so relaxed and light, no heavy problems weighing on my brain for that moment. I am usually curled into the nook of my husband's arm or laying with a snuggly cat purring on me or just laying in my bed by myself thinking how nice it is to have a moment to myself. I went to Possum Kingdom last weekend and when people ask about it I excitedly tell them I read a book on the dock for almost 2 hours. I usually get a strange look. I am most excited to read my book at the lake? What about the boat or jet ski or fishing or hiking or fun people? Well yea, all of those things are nice but I spent a nice chunk of time propped up against the post of the dock reading while the wind flapped my pages and KA read silently nearby. It was just heaven. That is the kind of rest I think I crave the most. I can always sleep if I take a pill or get tired enough. I can always make it through a sleep deprived day when I am filled to the brim with coffee but that kind of rest where nothing is weighing me down, interrupting me or causing me problems is the kind that truly energizes me to my core. Hopefully my upcoming vacation will provide similar rest.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Mandy's Question
As a follow up to yesterday and to Mandy's question from her blog post here is my list of things I think I do well.
Ahem....
I am good at listening. I like to try and listen to a person and what they have to say and give an answer to the questions they ask or not to answer at all if they are not asking me anything. People are too quick to give unsolicited advice and I like to be sure that I am not one of them if at all possible. I am the first one to offer advice or a solution if my friends and loved ones ask for my help but most often listening is what people really need.
Not to be contradictory but, I think I give pretty good advice. I am also good at being unbiased. I look at things as objectively as possible and answer the question the best way I know how. My personal feelings rarely have to do with what others should do so I try to keep them out of it.
I am good at being creative. I like to find new answers to daily puzzles whether its how to fit that last piece of trash in the bag or how to solve an accounting problem at work. I feel like looking at things from every angle and thinking them through is a strong point of mine. Finding a new solution that someone else hasn't thought of makes me smile because I could help.
I am good at my job. I do collections and accounting at a real estate company that my family owns and have been for a while now. I really feel like I have found a great niche in this company. When I was younger my grandmother used to pay me to stick labels onto to flyers and cards to mail out and then to file her papers and later to organize her office. I have worked on these sorts of projects since I was 12. In 2002 when I was 17 I started working in the office part doing errands and assistant stuff with my grandmother, after I graduated in 2004 I started working there full time was working on more important projects like processing payments and reports and balancing the checkbook. I started studying accounting in college and realized I found an area that the company needed help in and slowly worked into the position. Now I handle collecting money on current and past due accounts as well as customer service, office manager and all of the company taxes. I handle evictions, court cases and violations. Basically I am good at being tough when no one else wants to. My family members are so nice and compassionate that they always want to help and that isn't always what is best for the business. I am good at separating my compassion from the necessity of the job well enough to be polite and firm. Being at the company for 11 years doesn't hurt either, it means that I literally grew up learning this business and the people we work with.
I am good at being myself. I do not feel shy or awkward or feel the need to apologize for myself. I am up front with my characteristics as well as my flaws and let people decide if they want to deal with me or not. I am never afraid to speak my mind or do what I think is right.
I can throw a nice right hook.
I am good at protecting the people around me. Whether something dangerous like being vigilant in a car wreck or something simple like telling someone to back off, I am good at being there for the people who need me. KA calls me 'the hawk, ca caaaaaa' because I hawk-eye people when we go out that are bothering her.
I am good at looking on the bright side and picking out the positive things. When someone is down I am the first to find a funny angle or a good spot they may have overlooked.
I am good at scrapbooking, I don't win prizes or anything but I think my pages look nice and document my many memories well. Others can look at them later and hear my story.
I'm a pretty good wife I think. I know I cam difficult and demanding sometimes but I really do my best to be good to my husband TB. I pay the bills and budget our money and work hard to find some extra savings when I know there's something he wants to do. I try to be encouraging while realistic and express my feelings clearly and not be an emotional mess. I like to make him laugh and see him smile and do small things to make his life easier. I try to be tough and remind him to do things when he wants me to keep him on track with something and back off and leave him alone when he wants to do it himself. I try to find the time money and space to do the things he is passionate about whether together or separate. I work to make things better for us and to make us better. I push him to be his best and challenge him to do more. I spend time being silly and goofy too. I try to make sure our life is as balanced as possible. When he cleans the kitchen I make him dinner and when I'm tired I buy it.
I am getting pretty good at couponing. I have been using coupons lately to get some great deals and stock up on the essentials. I try to make smart purchases that we will need and keep them as low as possible. I have gotten lots of stuff for free or less than a dollar. Its kind of fun too, like a game.
I'm also good at Halloween. Just in general. I am good at thinking up fun decorations and scary costumes and finding a way to transform our house every year for as little money as possible. -we just started a Halloween Blog together where we can showcase the many crafty things we make and do for this fun holiday.
I try very hard to be a good friend and a good daughter as well as a good sister and sister in law and daughter in law not to mention a good niece and a good grandchild. I think I am good at these things too.
What are you good at? What are you proud of? Tell me in the comments or make your own post and leave me the link. =)
Ahem....
I am good at listening. I like to try and listen to a person and what they have to say and give an answer to the questions they ask or not to answer at all if they are not asking me anything. People are too quick to give unsolicited advice and I like to be sure that I am not one of them if at all possible. I am the first one to offer advice or a solution if my friends and loved ones ask for my help but most often listening is what people really need.
Not to be contradictory but, I think I give pretty good advice. I am also good at being unbiased. I look at things as objectively as possible and answer the question the best way I know how. My personal feelings rarely have to do with what others should do so I try to keep them out of it.
I am good at being creative. I like to find new answers to daily puzzles whether its how to fit that last piece of trash in the bag or how to solve an accounting problem at work. I feel like looking at things from every angle and thinking them through is a strong point of mine. Finding a new solution that someone else hasn't thought of makes me smile because I could help.
I am good at my job. I do collections and accounting at a real estate company that my family owns and have been for a while now. I really feel like I have found a great niche in this company. When I was younger my grandmother used to pay me to stick labels onto to flyers and cards to mail out and then to file her papers and later to organize her office. I have worked on these sorts of projects since I was 12. In 2002 when I was 17 I started working in the office part doing errands and assistant stuff with my grandmother, after I graduated in 2004 I started working there full time was working on more important projects like processing payments and reports and balancing the checkbook. I started studying accounting in college and realized I found an area that the company needed help in and slowly worked into the position. Now I handle collecting money on current and past due accounts as well as customer service, office manager and all of the company taxes. I handle evictions, court cases and violations. Basically I am good at being tough when no one else wants to. My family members are so nice and compassionate that they always want to help and that isn't always what is best for the business. I am good at separating my compassion from the necessity of the job well enough to be polite and firm. Being at the company for 11 years doesn't hurt either, it means that I literally grew up learning this business and the people we work with.
I am good at being myself. I do not feel shy or awkward or feel the need to apologize for myself. I am up front with my characteristics as well as my flaws and let people decide if they want to deal with me or not. I am never afraid to speak my mind or do what I think is right.
I can throw a nice right hook.
I am good at protecting the people around me. Whether something dangerous like being vigilant in a car wreck or something simple like telling someone to back off, I am good at being there for the people who need me. KA calls me 'the hawk, ca caaaaaa' because I hawk-eye people when we go out that are bothering her.
I am good at looking on the bright side and picking out the positive things. When someone is down I am the first to find a funny angle or a good spot they may have overlooked.
I am good at scrapbooking, I don't win prizes or anything but I think my pages look nice and document my many memories well. Others can look at them later and hear my story.
I'm a pretty good wife I think. I know I cam difficult and demanding sometimes but I really do my best to be good to my husband TB. I pay the bills and budget our money and work hard to find some extra savings when I know there's something he wants to do. I try to be encouraging while realistic and express my feelings clearly and not be an emotional mess. I like to make him laugh and see him smile and do small things to make his life easier. I try to be tough and remind him to do things when he wants me to keep him on track with something and back off and leave him alone when he wants to do it himself. I try to find the time money and space to do the things he is passionate about whether together or separate. I work to make things better for us and to make us better. I push him to be his best and challenge him to do more. I spend time being silly and goofy too. I try to make sure our life is as balanced as possible. When he cleans the kitchen I make him dinner and when I'm tired I buy it.
I am getting pretty good at couponing. I have been using coupons lately to get some great deals and stock up on the essentials. I try to make smart purchases that we will need and keep them as low as possible. I have gotten lots of stuff for free or less than a dollar. Its kind of fun too, like a game.
I'm also good at Halloween. Just in general. I am good at thinking up fun decorations and scary costumes and finding a way to transform our house every year for as little money as possible. -we just started a Halloween Blog together where we can showcase the many crafty things we make and do for this fun holiday.
I try very hard to be a good friend and a good daughter as well as a good sister and sister in law and daughter in law not to mention a good niece and a good grandchild. I think I am good at these things too.
What are you good at? What are you proud of? Tell me in the comments or make your own post and leave me the link. =)
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