Five Minute Friday-Connect

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)
Connect


Last weekend brought a lot of connections for me.  My husband and I drove down to San Antonio to spend some time with family and celebrate my cousin, RL, graduating from the Air Force Academy.  My grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle, RL's husband and my other cousin were all there.  RL's husband, JL, also brought along his half brother with his wife and two kids.  It was not a small event to say the least.  That side of the family, and the members that came down specifically, are partiers.  We like to laugh and tell stories while we make food and hang out together.  We love to have a good time and there is rarely anything else when we all get together.  We only see my aunt, uncle and cousins every few years so there is a lot to catch up on.  I had never met JL before so it was nice to meet the man that make RL so happy.  Reconnecting with that side of my family fills my heart up.  My uncle got so sad when we had to leave early and my aunt and I spent the whole time wrestling around with my dad and teasing him.  (a tradition of ours)  I am named after her so he yells that the L's are picking on him and runs to tell his mom.  After 50 years he is still telling mommy when his sister bothers him and it just cracks us up.  We only spent about 24 hours with them but it makes me want to spent every weekend with them.  After we left the family we had lunch with some friends of ours that live in San Antonio that we had not seen in several years.  It happened to be NL's daughter's birthday so we had a very nice celebration lunch where I got to meet her 2 year old daughter for the first time.  Soaking in all the fun and conversation from that short lunch visit makes me miss them so much right now.  It also reaffirms that time and distance just doesn't effect some relationships.  Once we got home on Saturday evening I went straight to JU's mom's house because she was in town that weekend.  I got to see her, her husband and their sweet baby BU.  He will be 1 next month and I just can't believe how big he is and I fall completely in love every time I see him again.  We went out that night with old high school friends, some like CZ that I see all the time and some like BZ that I do not.  I reconnected with SO many people that I feel exhausted from the love.

-Quick side note while I still have time left on the clock-

For a split second I got the cold sweat fear that I would have to have the baby discussion with a room full of people I haven't seen in years and therefore aren't completely aware of my situation and some strangers.  JL was playing with his nephew and while hoisting him above his head he asked 'So when are you guys gonna start having kids?'
I nearly dropped to the floor because I was so unprepared, I usually don't get that from family anymore.  I tried to recover and smile while I said 'Oh none for us, I'm just looking forward to being an aunt in a few years.'  And JL made the face everyone makes when I say that so I braced myself.  To my surprise however, he smiled really wide and very proudly said, 'Same for us, we're not having kids.'  Phew!  I was out and it was over in seconds, I panicked for nothing.
This got me thinking though, that is how we connect with new people.  We connect through our shared experiences or discussing our differences.  Asking those 'basic' questions are how we relate and connect. 

Effects of infertility

I came across this article a little while ago and wanted to share it.  While I do not necessarily agree with what some of the experts are saying, I think that its a great way to see that people are highlighting the effects of infertility and just how deep they go.  One expert in particular seems to be using this study to get more funding for IVF, I really feel like if any funding is added it should go towards mental care of the people involved.  Having a baby is a lifestyle choice and the debate about whether money should be set aside from the government to give infertile women the option to conceive is not mine to argue; but the aftershocks of losing a child or having a miscarriage is not a lifestyle choice.  People should at the very least have access to someone or something that can help repair the damage that causes.

As someone who has dealt with alcoholism in my family and mental disorders in myself and other family members I am always glad to see these things in the spotlight of information.  Too often the notions of being 'a drunk' or 'crazy' outweigh the actual facts.  It is difficult to deal with either of these things and I can absolutely see how the internal stress of infertility can cause disorders or drinking.  By no means does every woman turn to alcohol or develop a mental disorder, but this shows that many of them have the potential if they are not helped.  It is difficult to put yourself in that circumstance if you have never been there, so there is little research or information regarding the mental state of an infertile woman.  I like that someone is cataloging some of the results and again just getting the info out there into the world.  The more information there is, the easier it can be to talk about it or know where to turn.  Not everyone knows that those feelings are natural and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist may be the best answer.  Some don't even know or admit to the thoughts and feelings these ladies have talked about and in turn do not know that help is available.  It's there and it helps.  Look for it if you need it.

Character Review: Bethenny Frankel

Looking through things on line while I ate my lunch, I came across this article.  Although I don't watch her on the Housewives show she is on, or really know a lot about her in any other capacity, I immediately felt for what she said in this article.  Her emotions so mirror the ones I had and still have now.  That first flicker of 'Oh no, I wasn't planning this' gives way to the excitement only to have it taken back again.  If you read my blog at all you have seen that I carry a HUGE bag of guilt around with me from my miscarriage, feeling like it was my fault for not protecting the baby better.  Hearing that another woman logically knows it is wrong but still feels that makes me feel a little less crazy.  Oh and that fact that she says that she had a small relief that the ill timed pregnancy difficulties were no more is just wonderful to read.  (obviously wonderful is an odd term here, go with it)  I love to hear a woman be honest about loss and miscarriage because it is really REALLY hard to be honest with yourself and a whole different monster to be honest out loud to other people.  This woman is brave for being able to say these things in an interview and put herself out there.
-I have to say that personally hearing a woman who is financially independent, married, older than me and otherwise in a good place say she felt some relief really makes me pause.  I felt that small relief that I wasn't going to care for a child that I wasn't sure I was ready for and that my then fiance and I had a chance at a regular young married life together and the chance for TB to be stable and secure in a career.  Truthfully it's easier not to have a child with all that is going on in our lives right now.  But maybe that's a little selfish.  I've had some nasty insults from people who say I 'deserved' the miscarriage because we were young and not yet married, its just kinda nice to hear that someone else has been in that mindset.

Aside from all that, I just wanted to praise her for her honesty.

Its been a long time been a long time been a long lonely lonely lonely tiiime

I know its been a while guys but man, I have been going through a lot lately.  We've been working like mad to save for our vacation and our cruise deposit for my brother's wedding next year, my MIL was in the hospital and my grandmother and great grandmother were in and out a few times too.  Difficult work stress plus trying to find the energy to live life.  We started a crazy project to clean the WHOLE house out all at once cause I'm smart.  I had an evaluation with the Doc and I have been waiting not so patiently for the results.  I have been stressing about the choices I will need to make very soon and all that comes with that.  And then there's that precarious balance between I need to make my own decision about my body and you're my husband so I want your input.

The biggest thing I have dealt with lately seems to be my meds though.  They are forever tweaking and changing and reevaluating the meds I get since I am in another experimental trial.  I go to the doctor four times a week, twice to get my blood work done and checked and twice to get GIANT shots to pump me full o meds.  Fun.  These things make me SOOOOOOO sick it's just awful.  I hate it.  I have no energy, I get nothing done, I can barely make it to work and back some days.  My immune system is down again so my allergies are killing me and I am staying VERY far away from anyone that may be sick or look sick or seem sick or stood near someone else that seemed sorta sick.  I just can't afford to be wiped out with something stupid like a cold right now.

Well these meds are kicking my ass so the logical next step is to up the dosage.  Yaay.  This is the third week on the new dosage and the first week I looked like the walking dead for five days (that 5x the days I looked shitty on the previous dosage just so you have a reference) but the second week and now today I am feeling surprisingly good.  I have gotten lots of projects done at work and helped clean up the house, I have even had energy to help with dinner which almost never happens anymore.

So I have this theory... it is completely in my own mind and has no actual medical basis, I'm just kinda hoping that I'm right.  So you know when you're in a car accident or something and they give you pain killers?  Well as long as you are in a ton of pain the pain killers just sorta soak that up, and when you take one and you are in less pain they make you kinda high and loopy.  The pills work when there is pain to counteract and they have side effects (whether you see them as good or bad is up to you I guess) when they aren't being used up.  Well I am hoping that the new dosage is actually working and that is why I have the energy to do stuff.  I am hoping that I was feeling bad before when they weren't working and now that I am feeling ok that's a sign they are working.  Makes a little sense right?  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just crazy.

Five Minute Friday-Enough

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)

Enough


I have been absent from my blog for a while now since I have been going through some difficulties in life.  This seems like the perfect topic to jump into where I am at in my recovery process right now. 

I've had enough.

I have just had enough of trying the same meds that are not working and zap all of my energy and make me feel so sick.  I seriously cannot keep water down once a week.  It's not fun.  More than the awful side effects, I am just through sitting around and hoping things will work out.  I trust my doctor very much and I generally take his advice but I just can't sit still any longer.  At my last evaluation visit I told him that when we meet to discuss the results he needs to schedule a little extra time and plan on going through my options with me because I have had enough of all of this.  I am ready to make some decisions and move forward, whichever direction forward takes me.  I have had enough days feeling crappy I have had enough pills and meds and shots.  I have had enough 'wait and see.'

I've just had enough.

I basically have four options and none of them are good, I am not looking forward to any of them but something has to be done.  After five long years dealing with these problems and three years of recovery I have had enough and I need to DO something, anything really, that will change the situation. 

I really feel like I have enough strength to make the right choice for my body and my future.

5 years

Things you can do in five years:

• go through high school
• get through college
• pay off a car
• save to buy a house
• plan a wedding and get married
• get a promotion
• travel the world
• start a family
• make a goal
• reach a goal
• almost anything

What have I done in five years?  Tried to pull myself together.

Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you.  I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD.  That is just insane.  I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed.  I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time.  I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life.  I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into.  I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken.  I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me.  Guys, it is tiring.  It wears me out.  I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes.  I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday.  Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits.  Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point.  Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey.  I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two.  Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.

Character Review: Fran and Maxwell Sheffield

The Nanny and her gorgeous employer danced circles around each other and the idea of a relationship for 5 years and and then very quickly admitted their feelings for one another and got married.  Fran finds out soon after the wedding she is pregnant but does not tell Max because he expresses how much he does not want a child yet.  After finally telling him she has an accident and ends up in the hospital to find out that she was never really pregnant before, there was a false positive.  They spend the next several months trying to get pregnant and are unable to.  It takes a long time and lots of hurt feelings but she eventually gets pregnant with twins and both parents are ecstatic.

-I'm sensing a tv theme here.  I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.

Five Minute Friday-Risk

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)


Risk


Risk is a touchy word.  It can be hard for people.  High risk pops into my head first.  I am at high risk for diseases and infections because of my immune system collapse.  I will certainly have a high risk pregnancy if I ever get pregnant again.  If that happens there is a risk that I may not survive it.  I have potential to be put on a high risk adoption list if we ever decide to do that.  My life on many days feels like it is filled to the brim with numbers, statistics, and risk calculations.  There's a big risk that I will need to get a full hysterectomy very soon.  There is the risk that if I choose to have that surgery now for my health, my husband (or even I) could regret and/or resent it later.  It's too risky to make an incision to farm and freeze some of my eggs.  Every new pill, shot, capsule gives me the risk of busting one of my many scars AGAIN and giving me internal bleeding AGAIN and making me have ANOTHER minor surgery to fix it up.  There is a risk that all of this is for nothing and I may never bear my own children and I may never be healthy again.  There is a risk that all of this will trigger my bi-polar disorder in difficult ways that make it hard to control.  There is a risk that I will look back and think I made the wrong choices.  There is also that chance that anything could happen so it's difficult to believe the statistics every time.  Sometimes my gut can see the risks long before the doctors and doctors and doctors see it.

Wish You Were Here

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd



So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage?

How, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after Year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here



I had the last paragraph (the chorus) tattooed on my leg on the year anniversary of EB's death.  It was a song he had sung many times and we had listened to together over and over again.  It perfectly encompassed the way I was feeling, and still feel, about his passing.  TB and I have been so lost since his death, we go over the memories and places that were important but none of them have the spark they used to without EB.  These lyrics are also for my baby.  While I don't have the personal connection with this song and the baby that that I do with EB and the song, it again is the way I feel we have been since those huge losses that May five years ago.  When I look at those lyrics or hear that song, I feel that they frame my new life after loss so well. 

A Happy Mother's Day

I spent another Mother's Day without my baby.  I spent another year alone.  There was no scribbled card or sweet gift, there was no tiny smile or breakfast in bed for me.  I did not get anything the other mothers get because I have no one to give me anything.  A sad little pang hits me in the morning or when I see the cards at the grocery store for 'The Best Mom.' 

You know what I did do on Mother's Day though?  Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning.  I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together.  I called my MIL and gave her my love.  We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken.  We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game.  I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB.  I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do.  And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself.  I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing.  I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere.  Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom.  I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have.  Freedom.  No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them.  No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me. 

I hate the bittersweet days.  I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days.  Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to.  The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.

But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all.  I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss.  I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger.  Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere.  Just maybe.

Black Days

"Fell On Black Days"
       Soundgarden

Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate

Five Years

Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened.  -Dr. Suess

5/8

I don't know my anniversary or my grandmother's bday but May 8th is a day that I can't forget.  Each moment of that day five years ago is burned into my memory.  Coming home to see TB and RM with their heads hanging low, sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home.  Falling back against the door frame and standing there with my mouth open, unable to ask all the questions that sprang into my head.  Hearing them tell me again that EB was gone.  Listening to the slow words as they left their mouths and the scared look in their eyes because they knew which words were coming next.  The shake in TB's voice as he tried to choke out how he spent agonizing hours home alone with the information, unwilling to call me at work.  That sound haunts me.  Eventually we went to EB's mom's house to visit with her and see what we could do.  She handed over a list of names and phone numbers scratched in his handwriting and asked me to tell his friends.  We all stood around, his mom, his dad, his step-mom and his sister, there with me, TB and RM; each of us staring at the carpet and lifting our heads briefly to meet an uncomfortable gaze of another.  That night we told our friends one by one and then I started on his list.  Only first names were listed and I had no clue who I was talking to most of the time.  The calls crossed Texas and more called in, having heard from others.  I gave out instructions, guidance, information and condolences.  We were all hurting.  We were all missing him.  TB drifted off from exhaustion that night while tears dripped down his sleeping face.  I went out on to our balcony after I knew he was asleep and called my mom.  I just needed to talk to someone, I needed to hear her tell me it was ok since I had said that to so many others that day.  After we hung up I sat out there for hours rubbing my small pregnant belly and crying.  When the sky turned pink with dawn, it all seemed so surreal.  Sometimes I still can't believe that he isn't here.  It has been a very long five years.  I honestly didn't know if I would survive without him, he was my best friend and a piece of my soul.  I still feel a hole inside.  I still feel fucked up.

Its easy to judge

Its easy for you to look at me and say I don't understand.  Its easy for you to say I've never cared for a child so I don't know.  Its easy for you to point fingers and tell me what you would do.  Its always easy to make a hypothetical decision when you know you don't have to make it in your actual life.  'Oh, well I would never be able to...blah blah blah'  'Well if I were in that situation I would just.....whatever.'  I am working through this one emotion at a time, its not a quick fix.

When I tell you I am not planning to have kids (because you are a stranger and its easier than telling you the WHOLE ENTIRE story) its really easy to say that I'm lucky, crazy or that I will change my mind.  When I give a less definite answer like 'we aren't thinking about that right now' or 'we haven't made any decisions yet' its rude to comment about how I must not want kids because I'd rather go out and 'party.'  It's easy for you to think that I just wanna go get drunk and stay out all night instead of have a child because I'm young.  You don't know anything about me.

Its very easy for you to say that adoption is 'the best option' for us because you aren't hurting from the loss of your child.  You can tell me how easy it is to decide to go through that when you haven't looked into the time/money/stress/anxiety that goes into waiting for someone to deem you fit enough to have a child.  The idea of replacing my baby with another still hurts right now, let me deal with it before you push me along to the next step.

Asking if I am 'still grieving' BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD is just rude.  It's easy to say five years is enough time to get over it but you are not me and do not know how I am dealing with things.  I am doing my best here.  To be real honest, I may never stop and that's just fine. 

'You're lucky you can't have kids' is never ok.  For any reason.  Finishing the sentence with 'mine drive me crazy' is not helpful.

Telling me my life is relaxing because we don't have kids is also not ok.  You may have children and I am SURE that is draining but I have doctor's appointments, meds, unanswered questions and years (if not a lifetime) of struggles with my health and whether or not I will get another chance.  It is definitely not the same but it is certainly not relaxing.  Saying that you 'wish you had my life' isn't much better.

Your 'helpful suggestions' may mean well but you are not listening to the way they come out of your mouth. 'Can't you just adopt someone else's kid?' 'You can always have another baby.' 'Now you have a lot of information about what not to do when you get pregnant again.' 'That doctor doesn't seem to know what he's doing.' 'You're lucky you didn't have to raise a baby at your age.' 'If you hadn't gotten pregnant before you were married it would have been ok.' 'You better not tell (someone who is pregnant) you'll scare them.'

Think about the things you are going to say, sometimes they don't need to be said.  Sometimes you don't have to say anything.  It may be easy for you to judge me but I am not judging you.  Stop it.

Five Minute Friday-Together

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)

Together


Thursday night is Game Night and I look forward to it like its a holiday.  Each week I wake up thinking I get to see some of my best friends tonight, just get through a few more hours of work, do the dishes because the guys are coming over.  RM and JH have been close friends with us for 7 or 8 years now, we have been through a lot together and supported one another through it all.  We tell stupid jokes and rag on each other and compete hardcore at whatever we are playing that night.  Heckling is highly encouraged.  We spend hours laughing and giggling over cards, board games, dominoes and beers.  Thursdays are the highlight of my week.  I feel so full when I lay down after those nights, all my batteries have been recharged.  JG comes over most nights and having another girl there makes it fun, occasionally someone else comes by or somebody has to work but just knowing that I get to see them each week makes me smile.  These guys are my family, sometimes better than actual family.  I'm a lucky lady to have them.  Nothing is better than seeing RM walk through the door with a hug and container full of cookie dough for me.  Seeing JH's shoes tucked under the coffee table when we leave for work Friday morning because he stayed over makes me smile.
We sit on the balcony in the breeze while the guys smoke and we tell stories about when EB was still alive and HIS game night antics, munch on whatever dessert RM brought to share and try to decide who is making the beer run.  Political discussions, childhood memories, stupid mistakes, bad ex girlfriends, how much we miss EB and our crazy parents are always brought up among the stories we tell and retell and then tell again.  It doesn't hurt that I usually win whichever game we're playing.  ')

Damn Lucky -also I ramble

You know those overbearing, nosy, rude, stereotypical mother in laws that are always on TV and movies (like Monster in Law or Everybody Loves Raymond)?  Well folks, I am so lucky that mine is the opposite of those fictional ladies in every way.  We spent this weekend celebrating a friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend and some friends.

-I have to take a second and explain the odd family dynamics of that party so you get whats going on.  TB met AF at work 7 or 8 years ago when he was a full fledged member of the Starbucks Cult and we all became good friends.  Knowing AF, we soon got to know his dad TF and as he's into the same music and sports and frequented the same bars we went to we got to be very good friends with TF.  AF was MIA for a couple of years and is now back full force.  While he was gone we spent a lot of time with his dad and found out he was getting separated, I thought he'd be great for my MIL and so we got them together so they could become friends.  We invited her to watch the games and see the bands with us that she already liked so they had a good time hanging out with us.  (TF tells us with love sick grin that they met watching game six of the NBA championship last year, obviously the same day they won the title.)  They hit it off and started texting and hanging out and several months later they have plans to move in together when his lease is up.  -aaawwwwwwww

TF and AB are dating, TB and I are married, AF and CS are dating, TF is AF's dad, AB is TB's mom.  To complicate things a little more TF is very good friends with me and TB, AF is good friends with me and TB also and CS is one of our tenants at work.  phew.

Soooo, TB and I went to The Man Cave -aka TF's place- for AF's bday to celebrate with the above mentioned people.  It was a blast, too much fun to even describe here.

But, my original point, my MIL is awesome.  She is sweet and fun to hang out with I am comfortable when its just us or the whole family.  She is always there with helpful advice but has never ever given it to me unless I asked for it.  She is just a wonderful person.  At the party this weekend CS commented that she thought it was sweet that I call her Mom.  She really is my mother, I'm just lucky enough to have two.  It got me thinking however, about the day we told her I was pregnant.  Now if you don't remember, we were engaged but not married yet and it was a big big surprise so we were nervous to let the parents know because we were still pretty young at 20 and 21.  She was surprised but very supportive and excited.  I can remember as we were walking down the path to leave later that night I gave her a big hug and told her thank you using her name.  She put her hands on my small belly and said, ' Well you might as well call me Mom.  You know, if you want to.'  Teary and with a big grin I hugged my new Mom again and I've called her that ever since.

Deafening Silence

I read a very honest post today from Me and Mine that although was about a pretty difficult topic, gave me some joy.  Pregnancy hormones can do so many things to your body, you just don't even know.  Allison, the woman who writes at Me and Mine, went through antepartum depression while she was pregnant.  It is similar to postpartum but (as I'm sure you can guess) happens before you are separated from your child -i e during the pregnancy.  Her post is raw and honest and moved me, but her message is what stuck with me the most.  She urged anyone who felt not quite right or knew someone who may be going through something similar to talk about it openly.  Be honest and let others know how you feel.  Be there for someone who may not know how to bring it up.  That hiss in your head that tells you to keep it quiet, don't let anyone know, can be SO LOUD sometimes.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault.  Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days.  Some days it is just there.  I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too.  No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic.  By the way did I mention my baby died?'  Yea, no one wants to be that person. 
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences.  This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong.  When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in.  After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in.  The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me.  I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing.  People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it.  That was really great.  You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.

Be open and honest with people around you.  Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems.  Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.

PT Update

I got some pretty awesome news yesterday when I went in for Physical Therapy, good news is not something I'm used to so I was pretty excited.
I started going to physical therapy several months ago to combat some shooting pains in my legs and arms and the constant pain and ache I was feeling in my legs and hips.  My doctor prescribed PT for me after looking at my MRI and x ray results and finding that I have 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs that were the cause of most of my pain.  I started going twice a week and then moved to once a week and yesterday they said they want me to start coming in every 10 days.  Yay!  I'm excited that they feel like I'm getting better, and while I'm definitely not 100% I can tell the pain is lessening and feels different.  When the therapist screened me yesterday she said I was in good shape, that's the first time that happened so far.  I am excited to think that I could really be getting better and dealing with the pain. 

Five Minute Friday-Light

I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri.  You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself.  After five minutes post what you have.  You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic.  =)

Light


Light is something I am not.  I am not happy or sunny or optimistic, I am round and heavy, and I don't do subtle well.  I sometimes forget that others don't know that about me yet when I meet new people, hence the crazy situation with some friends of ours lately.  Long story short, my body language and lack of subtlety led to a situation that got misconstrued and I could have prevented the whole thing with a light touch.  I'd rather be wearing black and in high school I was one of the goth kids.  I still am waaay into horror movies, Halloween decorating and zombie invasion escape plans.  Light has never been my thing.  The bathroom scale would agree.  I've put on a lot of weight from my medical crap and since my restrictions still keep me from most exercise I just can't get rid of that.  So for now I'm pretty heavy, hopefully we can change that.  I'd just like to be a little healthier, the size isn't the issue for me really.  I constantly expect the worst things to happen and my OCD brain gets overactive and plans for every feasible terrible thing that could ever happen.  Good side, this means that when little stuff happens I'm pretty relieved that the crazy in my head was not real, bad side however is that I do this about EVERYTHING so there is always a lot on my mind.  That probably explains some of my insomnia..... also headaches.... also therapist visits..... hmmm maybe I'm rambling now....

Give and Take

All relationships are a system of give and take, I really believe that when you step back and look at the transactions you've had with a person you should be able to see a balance.  Everyone needs to take more than they give sometimes and everyone gives more than they take at times.  That's just how life goes, sometimes you need to ask for a little more.  Last post I talked about all the things my job gave me, since my grandmother BC started the company, gave me the job and trained me she essentially gave me all of those things too.  There are a lot of give and take situations when it comes to BC, we spend a lot of time together for work, we spend time together as family and just enjoy one another.  The push and pull in our relationship is obvious.  Well its been a giving year so far for me in that relationship, she has given me a lot over the years in my job and otherwise and I have given back to her by being there when she needs support through her tough medical times.  (every day work stuff cancels each other out so I don't count that)  She had another set back and is back in the hospital again today unfortunately.  I just can't get these grandmas well!
My great grandmother, EE, has moved from the nursing home where she was getting mild therapy to an in patient rehab facility that is giving her standard physical therapy.  So she is doing better, not great, but is still locked up.  Just as she is starting to have some real improvement, BC gets a serious asthma attack and pneumonia and goes to the hospital late last night.  As soon as one gets a little better the other gets worst.  So we've had another day of shuffling around to get BC's work covered in the office and another day of visiting ladies in the hospital/rehab center.  Unfortunately it looks like BC needs a few days of care and they are in two different cities.  I know it really breaks her spirit to be back there and when I see either of them I just want to hug them a thousand times.
I'm starting to feel a little paranoid though.  This is the first year in the last five years that I am actually feeling a little bit better.  I am working really hard on my physical therapy and trying to change the things I can to make my back/legs better and just when I am getting some relief everyone else around me goes down.  So far this year my uncle had a heat attack, my grandfather had another stroke, BC has been in and out with back fractures, cancer scares and now this, EE had an awful stroke, my brother thinks he has another staff infection which is what led to his kidney failure last time.  Man, it has been hectic.  Is this some weird reverse karma thing where everyone who helps me gets sick or hurt?  What is going on lately?  I'm finally kinda ok and everyone else is having issues.  Maybe everyone saw that I have a little less stress lately and thought they'd fix that. 
Take your vitamins and get checked by your doctor if you've been nice to me in the past half decade because apparently that makes you a target.