The guilt that consumes me

I think I will start this post and then think about it and come back to it.  So this is just the minimum information for now.  More to come most likely.

I feel incredible, unfaltering guilt because I let my child die.

There.  That right there says it all I think but, maybe a little more info might help.

Every day I walk through my life and small voices whisper to me that my baby is dead and it is my fault.  I killed him, I let him die, it is my fault.

Logically, I know this is not true I did not do anything that put my fetus in danger but, that thought is so strong I can hear it in the ac vents and on the wind at night.  Sometimes I try to rationalize my craziness and tell myself that if I had not taken on so much responsibility when E died maybe I would have been less stressed.  My overwhelming need to protect my husband TB and cushion E's family from the loss made me take on the hard tasks of telling our friends, calling his friends whom I had never met, helping with some of funeral and going to and staying late at all the family/funeral related functions those couple of weeks.  Maybe if I had been more selfish, thought more about my baby and my health, then I would have my child with me physically.  Maybe had I spent every moment thinking only of him he would be here.

I had one non-alcoholic beer after my doctor said that was ok, I ate vegetables and took prenatal pills, I did not lift bend or do anything strenuous even at the very early stages, I stayed away from medicine that was not particularly given the green light from my doctor and did everything I could think of to make sure I was taking care of myself.  When I really really think about it I did everything I could do, I think.  There is still a voice that tells me it was my fault.  And now that guilt is spilling over into my life now and it fills me full of paranoid thoughts.  If I couldn't protect my baby while it was still teeny inside me then how could I protect a child out in the world?  How can I be a good mother when I don't trust myself?  How can I trust myself when I let my child die?