A little background info....

I have been dealing with medical issues regarding my reproduction capability for the last three and a half years after a very bad miscarriage situation. As I was working through a difficult period one day I realized that more and more people and characters around me seem to be dealing with similar circumstances. TV shows, movies, neighbors and friends are struggling because they cannot or may not have children. This is a place to express my feelings about my situation and hopefully help someone else express theirs.

I may not know what other mothers know, but I am a mother without my child and I do what I can to cope.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Excited/Scared/Excited/then scared again

As you can see from my previous post I figured out how to blog from my phone so yea exciting.  (this one is not from my phone lol)  Its a little odd however because its in the form of a text message so there is no title and no spell check so I'm thinking those will be shorter updates and big posts will be during the week on my lunch break (whenever that happens to be).

Looking at step number 1 on my list that I posted on Friday has been scaring the pants off of me for days.  Seriously my pants just will not stay on I am so scared.  I have shared this blog so far with only close friends, a few family members, people that I trust or thought could get this to someone it may help.  I always told everyone to pass this along and feel free to share it but, other people 'finding' this because someone told them about it is much different to me than if I tell people, 'hey come share my pain and crazy rantings about sad terrible stuff no one wants to talk about.'  So yea, that's about where I am right now.  I think a lot of the reason I don't want to tell people is the immense shame and guilt I feel because I lost my baby.  And although my thinking brain agrees with logic that I did nothing wrong, that voice in my ear tells me every day that I killed my child.  It is a little hard to admit to people you have to look in the face that you 1-lost your child 2-think you killed your child 3-feel sooooo guilty about it you feel it is ruining your life and all the other stuff that goes with it.  I have to announce myself on or before the 10th of the month and I alternately flip between giving myself time to work up to it and waiting until the 10th and getting over my crap and getting ahead on my list and just doing it now.  Still on the fence but I think the days leading up to and around the actual announcement will be filled with my thoughts around the guilt that keeps me from sharing.  Look I am my own shrink.  Take that!

My super sweet and supportive friend CZ is awesome and told me something really amazing this weekend so I just wanted to say how much I appreciate her.  =)
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