I read this article recently and although I do not agree with everything she has to say, it makes a lot of good points that highlight women's issues when it comes to reproduction. I am soo sick of hearing candidates and politicians sound off about various sexual and reproductive rights. It just makes my blood boil to hear the bills that are trying to be passed in some states that require a woman to carry a fetus until it is naturally passed from the body, no matter what. This means that if a fetus dies in the womb a woman must carry around a dead child in her body, a constant reminder of her loss and suffering, a potential medical risk, until the body passes it out. Some bodies don't. Some poor woman could be stuck her whole life with this baby in her, potentially? That just makes me sad. At that point, there is no moral issue that I can see. I get it if you don't want to give people the option to abort because a fetus is a life, I don't necessarily agree but I get that is what you are going for, but once that life is gone what is that point? Fetal cells decay quickly and can become very dangerous to a woman. I can tell you firsthand that the pain and repercussions of those decaying cells can be excruciating. I did not have any extraction procedures and passed my child naturally, the cells left in my uterus dug into the wall linings and produced a very harmful bacteria that has left me scarred and in bad health. My uterus never contracted enough to shrink back to the size its supposed to be so it has helped me gain weight and is putting pressure on my other organs. It has depleted an already messed up immune system and caused soooo many other things that I'm not even going to list. Not to mention the side effects from the meds and procedures I have had since to try and get healthy.
I just don't get what it accomplishes to make a woman continue to carry a fetus that has already died.
I do not understand how a government can try to force a woman to die for her child either. If a pregnancy or an unborn child is specifically life threatening to a woman it should be between her and her doctor. If it is a situation where you can save the baby or the mother, the government should really not be involved. You should not be able to force someone to die for somebody else, that should be your choice.
To be honest, I think the whole controversy with the insurance/contraceptives thing is pretty dumb. If you work for a religiously affiliated institution that does not agree with contraceptives you should probably expect that they won't pay for yours. If your job has nothing to do with religion then their decision should not be based on that person's specific beliefs. I still don't think you have a RIGHT to those contraceptives though. It is wrong for one man in a business to choose not to provide insurance coverage for contraceptives because of his personal beliefs. Insurance companies do not hand out condoms to men so women cannot really expect them to throw free birth control pills their way. I do think there is a middle area as in most issues. If you have a medical need for them then maybe there should be an option for some insurance coverage but it becomes hard to define NEED so I see how that wouldn't be very practical. My doctor requires me to be on the pill because it is potentially life threatening for me to get pregnant right at this time. This is also the best way to get the estrogen and other hormones I need to heal my organs. My doctor deems it is something I need but I could also get these benefits from other things if I had to so that NEED line is blurry. If you choose to use contraceptives then you choose to pay for them. Can't afford them? Don't have sex then. I do believe that prescriptions of all kinds, including birth control, should be more available and lower in price.
It is only a small sect, but it is also wrong to fire a woman because you found out she was using contraceptives, that does not effect her job unless she's getting busy at work and in that case she deserves to get fired.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Brave
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Brave
Brave makes me think about my family right now. My great grandma EE is still recovering from her stroke and we are all working hard to help and support her. Considering she had the worst kind of stroke you can have and she is 94 she is doing just amazingly well. Considering she is the toughest lady I know and can't use her hand, face or leg and now needs help with everything she isn't doing that great. She looks so miserable laying in bed at the nursing home we had to put her in. She is upset that she was sent there and unhappy that she can't move around and do what she wants. See, she lives alone in her 2 story house and does everything for herself and now all of that has changed. I would be unhappy too. Apparently my grandmother BC (EE's daughter) promised EE she would never put her in a retirement home. I am trying to tell her its only temporary, she is only there because she is not ready for a rehab facility yet, they can take the best care of her and start some very light physical therapy until she is ready. She is still unhappy though. She is a very brave woman. She has been through the death of her husband, all of her siblings and one of her daughters. She still sends a birthday card to each and every person she has ever known and her very large extended family. She makes quilts and afghans and rugs and works hard to stay in touch with everyone by spending hours on the phone. She is a brave brave woman to move through the life she has had so far. Yesterday, while she was telling me about dating my late great grandpa and how he used to take her dancing I couldn't help but tear up. She still loves him so much after all the years it has been, it must really hurt not to have him each day.
I have not even said anything about my brave grandma BC who is spending all day by her mother's side to feed and help her. BC, by the way, just learned how to walk again after being in the hospital for months with 3 fractures in her back. I come from a line of brave, tough, feisty women. I'm pretty proud of them.
Brave
Brave makes me think about my family right now. My great grandma EE is still recovering from her stroke and we are all working hard to help and support her. Considering she had the worst kind of stroke you can have and she is 94 she is doing just amazingly well. Considering she is the toughest lady I know and can't use her hand, face or leg and now needs help with everything she isn't doing that great. She looks so miserable laying in bed at the nursing home we had to put her in. She is upset that she was sent there and unhappy that she can't move around and do what she wants. See, she lives alone in her 2 story house and does everything for herself and now all of that has changed. I would be unhappy too. Apparently my grandmother BC (EE's daughter) promised EE she would never put her in a retirement home. I am trying to tell her its only temporary, she is only there because she is not ready for a rehab facility yet, they can take the best care of her and start some very light physical therapy until she is ready. She is still unhappy though. She is a very brave woman. She has been through the death of her husband, all of her siblings and one of her daughters. She still sends a birthday card to each and every person she has ever known and her very large extended family. She makes quilts and afghans and rugs and works hard to stay in touch with everyone by spending hours on the phone. She is a brave brave woman to move through the life she has had so far. Yesterday, while she was telling me about dating my late great grandpa and how he used to take her dancing I couldn't help but tear up. She still loves him so much after all the years it has been, it must really hurt not to have him each day.
I have not even said anything about my brave grandma BC who is spending all day by her mother's side to feed and help her. BC, by the way, just learned how to walk again after being in the hospital for months with 3 fractures in her back. I come from a line of brave, tough, feisty women. I'm pretty proud of them.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
My Marriage
You guys, marriage is hard hard work. Sometimes its just hard.
Lately everything seems hard and my marriage falls into that category unwillingly. TB and I have been together 8 years. That's a big chunk of my lifetime so far. We've been married 3 1/2 of those years and let me tell you that there is no 'honeymoon phase' over here. We never got that chance. I don't think there ever was. I lost the baby as we were planning the wedding and the medical ramifications immediately hit my body. I gained A LOT of weight that I had no control over, I got very tired and had pains I didn't understand. I was grieving when I took my husband's name and so was he. We were in a spiral of dark circumstances that had nothing to do with our core relationship but effected everything about it. Years later when I notice that his ring is worn or I lost our marriage certificate (whoops) I think that not a lot has changed. We have certainly worked hard at the grief and the coming years of pain and doctors but we still have a ton of crap thrown at us each and every day that other people have no clue about. Some couples married much longer than us have not been through half of what we have been through in our very short marriage. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to be able to work together against the hard times and not instinctively close up. Somehow the thing I wasn't ready for about marriage was being completely open to another person. I have always been honest and up front but it is a WHOLE other monster to be 100% open with another person. It was hard to let him see me cry, whine and yell when I didn't understand my body or my loss. It was also hard to see him handle things differently than I do. I didn't know how to be there for him because I was so unfamiliar with the territory.
I found a really good man though. He has done a lot for me. He puts up with a lot too. The grief I still haven't worked through. The mounting bills that we have to somehow tackle. The days when my bi polar disorder sneaks in and makes me irrational. Crazy family members. Bad days. Bad attitudes. Angry rants. Ill timed surgeries and trips to the pharmacy. Law suits with my doctors. Endless appointments he has to work around -we only have one car. Through all of those things he still lets me deal with things my own way, no matter what that means for him. When I am too sad to move he gently lifts me up and makes me smile no matter how late he is for whatever he has to do. TB works hard to do the little things that sit on my brain and make my anxiety shoot through the roof. Not once has he ever said no when I have woken him at 3 in the morning to ask if he will rub my throbbing legs. When I know his day has been long he will still drive to get whatever I am craving for dinner when I JUST CAN'T find the energy to cook dinner even though I promised him. He sneaks out of bed on the weekends to let me sleep in and closes the door so the cats won't jump on me, I will find him sitting right next to the TV with it so low its not even a whisper so he doesn't wake me up. He will get out of a perfectly warm bed to make me pancakes and worries that they are 'done right.' If I fall asleep across the bed he will sleep on the couch because I 'just looked so peaceful.'
TB may have a thousand faults, as we all do, and some days I can see every one of them. He is bad with money, bad under pressure and so clueless that its hilarious sometimes. He really really loves me though and when it is important he quietly does whatever he thinks I need. Stuffed animals dance and he makes bad jokes until I laugh with him. I really lucked into a good one. Oh and he has taught me patience and helped me curb many many of my not so nice tendencies. We are nowhere near perfect apart and definitely not perfect together but we fit. Sometimes the truth is ugly and boys are gross and life is tough to get through. I am ultimately a lucky woman to have this man in my corner, even if some days he's the one I'm fighting with. He lets me be me. That is more important than doing the dishes.
Lately everything seems hard and my marriage falls into that category unwillingly. TB and I have been together 8 years. That's a big chunk of my lifetime so far. We've been married 3 1/2 of those years and let me tell you that there is no 'honeymoon phase' over here. We never got that chance. I don't think there ever was. I lost the baby as we were planning the wedding and the medical ramifications immediately hit my body. I gained A LOT of weight that I had no control over, I got very tired and had pains I didn't understand. I was grieving when I took my husband's name and so was he. We were in a spiral of dark circumstances that had nothing to do with our core relationship but effected everything about it. Years later when I notice that his ring is worn or I lost our marriage certificate (whoops) I think that not a lot has changed. We have certainly worked hard at the grief and the coming years of pain and doctors but we still have a ton of crap thrown at us each and every day that other people have no clue about. Some couples married much longer than us have not been through half of what we have been through in our very short marriage. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to be able to work together against the hard times and not instinctively close up. Somehow the thing I wasn't ready for about marriage was being completely open to another person. I have always been honest and up front but it is a WHOLE other monster to be 100% open with another person. It was hard to let him see me cry, whine and yell when I didn't understand my body or my loss. It was also hard to see him handle things differently than I do. I didn't know how to be there for him because I was so unfamiliar with the territory.
I found a really good man though. He has done a lot for me. He puts up with a lot too. The grief I still haven't worked through. The mounting bills that we have to somehow tackle. The days when my bi polar disorder sneaks in and makes me irrational. Crazy family members. Bad days. Bad attitudes. Angry rants. Ill timed surgeries and trips to the pharmacy. Law suits with my doctors. Endless appointments he has to work around -we only have one car. Through all of those things he still lets me deal with things my own way, no matter what that means for him. When I am too sad to move he gently lifts me up and makes me smile no matter how late he is for whatever he has to do. TB works hard to do the little things that sit on my brain and make my anxiety shoot through the roof. Not once has he ever said no when I have woken him at 3 in the morning to ask if he will rub my throbbing legs. When I know his day has been long he will still drive to get whatever I am craving for dinner when I JUST CAN'T find the energy to cook dinner even though I promised him. He sneaks out of bed on the weekends to let me sleep in and closes the door so the cats won't jump on me, I will find him sitting right next to the TV with it so low its not even a whisper so he doesn't wake me up. He will get out of a perfectly warm bed to make me pancakes and worries that they are 'done right.' If I fall asleep across the bed he will sleep on the couch because I 'just looked so peaceful.'
TB may have a thousand faults, as we all do, and some days I can see every one of them. He is bad with money, bad under pressure and so clueless that its hilarious sometimes. He really really loves me though and when it is important he quietly does whatever he thinks I need. Stuffed animals dance and he makes bad jokes until I laugh with him. I really lucked into a good one. Oh and he has taught me patience and helped me curb many many of my not so nice tendencies. We are nowhere near perfect apart and definitely not perfect together but we fit. Sometimes the truth is ugly and boys are gross and life is tough to get through. I am ultimately a lucky woman to have this man in my corner, even if some days he's the one I'm fighting with. He lets me be me. That is more important than doing the dishes.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
YAY!!!
A quick congrats to one of my biggest supporters, CZ, who in addition to being generally awesome is now officially a freelance designer. YAY! Good for you and congratulations CZ!
Also, hockey for her belated birthday today, so two for one.
Also, hockey for her belated birthday today, so two for one.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Empty
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Empty
Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty. Its not my baby's room. Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child. The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them. I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are. That can make things seem pretty empty some days. These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true. It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently. What I could have done to save my child. That's where it gets bad. I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to. A doubt to sneak in on. Those days are the hardest. I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out. Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good. Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out. On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it. I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking. I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.
Empty
Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty. Its not my baby's room. Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child. The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them. I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are. That can make things seem pretty empty some days. These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true. It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently. What I could have done to save my child. That's where it gets bad. I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to. A doubt to sneak in on. Those days are the hardest. I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out. Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good. Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out. On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it. I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking. I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Waiting Waiting
I feel so hazy today. My mind is somewhere else completely. My grandmother, BC, (the one I work with) has been in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months because she has 3 fractures in her back and because of a very long and complicated history I will not bore you with it took a while to find/treat/get her back to any sort of shape to be at home. Well her mother EE has been down here the last month and a half to take care of her. EE is 94. -I think its kinda cute that no matter how old they are her mom still has to rush down from Utah to take care of her daughter
Well BC is finally back home and with physical therapy and some restrictions (we took her keys) she is improving slowly. Thankfully things are healing and she is getting some mobility back (she wasn't 100% to begin with so its hard to gauge where she is exactly)
EE lives by herself in Utah and still sews quilts, crochets blankets and weaves rugs. She pays her own bills and schedules rides to her doctor appointments. Really the only issues she has is that she is starting to lose her sight and she cannot drive. She is healthy, spunky and tells you exactly what is on her mind. She was a 'wild girl in her day' because she insisted on going to college. She does a lot for her church and pushes us to as well and has a lot of friends that come to see her. She is buying endless presents for her great granddaughters that live near her and is always telling stories of her life. I love to pour over old photos with her and ask about relatives and places and things that happened because she has a very clear memory of it all and usually a goofy story to go with it.
EE had a stroke yesterday afternoon. In the 28 years that I have been alive she hasn't even been sick before, that I can remember. It is really hard to see her feeling helpless. The left side of her body did not work at all yesterday, today she is making progress. Her toes and fingers move and she can mostly squeeze your hand. Her mouth and face do not work well on the left but she is not slurring her speech anymore. The doctors thought she was delusional when she was giving orders to my mom and aunt out of the corner of her mouth from the hospital bed when she was talking about her Southwest ticket and eye appointment. We all knew that she was telling us to push her trip back to Salt Lake to Monday instead of Sunday so she could get the shot in her eye that helps her see. (if getting a needle to the eye once a month doesn't make you strong I don't know what does)
Today I got to see her twice and though she is looking much much better and all of the doctors and nurses keep telling us how AMAZED they are at her progress, I can't look at my sweet great grandma without getting tears in my eyes. Its just such a change. Its one of those things that is so large that you can actually feel the world twist to put you on a new path and in a new direction. My poor, crazy, cranky, goofy old grandma is the strongest person I have ever known. My mom always says the ladies on that side of the family are strong because we have great genes from EE and her mother MF. They started a long line of crazy, stubborn, fun loving women. I'm lucky to be one of them (even if my mom also jokes that my genes are more diluted than hers lol)
I have to say that tonight when we picked up BC, seeing my brother CG so upset was almost the hardest part. CG hates hospitals, and almost refuses to talk about anyone he loves that is sick or hurt. He just likes to avoid it, doesn't want to think about it. He was watching through the window while the nurse did strength exercises with EE and to see him tear up made me want to just hug him so badly. -He's not really a huggy person and we don't really have that kind of relationship so I let him sweet fiance comfort him.
I did have to smirk at the similarities when both he and I started to cry a little and when his fiance and my husband moved to comfort us we both turned the other direction said that we're 'fine' and wiped our eyes while the others watched on.
Now we are just waiting to see what the doctors say and what the outcome will be. She has a large blood clot in her neck and the meds she is on to fix it are dangerous and if they don't work she'll have to have surgery. Not good. We're just waiting to see what will happens. If anyone can get through this its her.
Well BC is finally back home and with physical therapy and some restrictions (we took her keys) she is improving slowly. Thankfully things are healing and she is getting some mobility back (she wasn't 100% to begin with so its hard to gauge where she is exactly)
EE lives by herself in Utah and still sews quilts, crochets blankets and weaves rugs. She pays her own bills and schedules rides to her doctor appointments. Really the only issues she has is that she is starting to lose her sight and she cannot drive. She is healthy, spunky and tells you exactly what is on her mind. She was a 'wild girl in her day' because she insisted on going to college. She does a lot for her church and pushes us to as well and has a lot of friends that come to see her. She is buying endless presents for her great granddaughters that live near her and is always telling stories of her life. I love to pour over old photos with her and ask about relatives and places and things that happened because she has a very clear memory of it all and usually a goofy story to go with it.
EE had a stroke yesterday afternoon. In the 28 years that I have been alive she hasn't even been sick before, that I can remember. It is really hard to see her feeling helpless. The left side of her body did not work at all yesterday, today she is making progress. Her toes and fingers move and she can mostly squeeze your hand. Her mouth and face do not work well on the left but she is not slurring her speech anymore. The doctors thought she was delusional when she was giving orders to my mom and aunt out of the corner of her mouth from the hospital bed when she was talking about her Southwest ticket and eye appointment. We all knew that she was telling us to push her trip back to Salt Lake to Monday instead of Sunday so she could get the shot in her eye that helps her see. (if getting a needle to the eye once a month doesn't make you strong I don't know what does)
Today I got to see her twice and though she is looking much much better and all of the doctors and nurses keep telling us how AMAZED they are at her progress, I can't look at my sweet great grandma without getting tears in my eyes. Its just such a change. Its one of those things that is so large that you can actually feel the world twist to put you on a new path and in a new direction. My poor, crazy, cranky, goofy old grandma is the strongest person I have ever known. My mom always says the ladies on that side of the family are strong because we have great genes from EE and her mother MF. They started a long line of crazy, stubborn, fun loving women. I'm lucky to be one of them (even if my mom also jokes that my genes are more diluted than hers lol)
I have to say that tonight when we picked up BC, seeing my brother CG so upset was almost the hardest part. CG hates hospitals, and almost refuses to talk about anyone he loves that is sick or hurt. He just likes to avoid it, doesn't want to think about it. He was watching through the window while the nurse did strength exercises with EE and to see him tear up made me want to just hug him so badly. -He's not really a huggy person and we don't really have that kind of relationship so I let him sweet fiance comfort him.
I did have to smirk at the similarities when both he and I started to cry a little and when his fiance and my husband moved to comfort us we both turned the other direction said that we're 'fine' and wiped our eyes while the others watched on.
Now we are just waiting to see what the doctors say and what the outcome will be. She has a large blood clot in her neck and the meds she is on to fix it are dangerous and if they don't work she'll have to have surgery. Not good. We're just waiting to see what will happens. If anyone can get through this its her.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Some More Catching Up
The doc is coming back to Texas sometime in March and we will be doing the final evaluation (again) to see the progress of my meds and all the procedures on my uterus. When we do this we will have an idea of where things are on the recovery schedule and what is going on. Last time we have a 'final' evaluation (I'd just like to point out how annoyed I am every time he calls it that, I get its at the end of the recovery program but it cannot be final if this is number 2) he decided I could still get better and I was healthy enough for another round. So I guess my options would be, quit, recovery is over, I am healthy enough for another session or I can move on to the ACTUAL final step in this long long long process. It has been like 4 years you guys. Soooo there's that pressure coming.
The pain in my legs and feet has gotten much much worst over the last months so I was sent to get x rays and an MRI. The MRI found 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs, so ouch. I was sent to a back doctor who checked me out and sent me to physical therapy first and decided we'd see how that went. I also got some new meds (yay) and was told to try those. They help my leg pain but I can't keep food down so its a 50/50 sort of thing. Physical therapy however, has really been helping. I have been going to Core Physical Therapy twice a week for almost 2 months now and I can really feel the difference. The doctor laughed when I told him I was excited that although I still have bad pain every day I do not have as much shooting paid or numbness and I could sleep through the night better. I guess pain every day is not a good thing but any improvement is great to me. The ladies at Core are great, they are really gentle and helpful and they listen which is wonderful. A lot of places can get too focused on an end point and push too hard too fast and my body just can't do that. I am very slow going but I am improving. The pain in my feet and calves has moved to my hips, thighs and back which is technically a good thing because it has to move up to move out. I try extra hard to do my stretches at home every day and do anything I can to get better. So more doctors, more pills, more stuff to do but some results. So overall things are going pretty well in that area I'd say.
The pain in my legs and feet has gotten much much worst over the last months so I was sent to get x rays and an MRI. The MRI found 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs, so ouch. I was sent to a back doctor who checked me out and sent me to physical therapy first and decided we'd see how that went. I also got some new meds (yay) and was told to try those. They help my leg pain but I can't keep food down so its a 50/50 sort of thing. Physical therapy however, has really been helping. I have been going to Core Physical Therapy twice a week for almost 2 months now and I can really feel the difference. The doctor laughed when I told him I was excited that although I still have bad pain every day I do not have as much shooting paid or numbness and I could sleep through the night better. I guess pain every day is not a good thing but any improvement is great to me. The ladies at Core are great, they are really gentle and helpful and they listen which is wonderful. A lot of places can get too focused on an end point and push too hard too fast and my body just can't do that. I am very slow going but I am improving. The pain in my feet and calves has moved to my hips, thighs and back which is technically a good thing because it has to move up to move out. I try extra hard to do my stretches at home every day and do anything I can to get better. So more doctors, more pills, more stuff to do but some results. So overall things are going pretty well in that area I'd say.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Catch Up
I haven't posted much since early December and what I have posted has not been very informative so I thought I'd do a little catch up session with what is all going on.
The week before christmas I had to have another last minute micro-surgery to close up the rips in my scar tissue and was not allowed to drive or lift anything. TB was still hunched over and couldn't do much of anything and was at this point using a 'cane' (an upside down golf club) to get around. This meant that our wonderful families chauffeured us around all weekend long. My brother picked us up with ALL of our gifts since we were not able to get back to the house for 2 days and took us to my grandparents' house on my dad's side. We had a very nice holiday with no fighting or craziness. My sweet mother in law AB picked us up and took us down the road to her sister's place for festivities with that side of the family. We spent a nice night eating food and opening gifts and sitting by the fireplace. Mostly, we sat on the couch groaning and everyone else did those things around us, but it worked. We spent the night at AB's and stayed up late watching a really great black and white movie that I don't remember the name of now and had a very nice night before we fell asleep on the couches. We awoke to coffee brewing and the tree twinkling with lights because AB had tiptoed around and made everything extra festive while we were sleeping. -she's so cute. That morning was lovely opening gifts with AB, my brother in law BB and TB. We had a very nice intimate little christmas morning that was just perfect. After getting dressed and piling our haul of goodies in AB's car, she dropped us off at my other grandmother's house on her way out of town. We sat on the couch and enjoyed a much noisier and busier holiday at that house. There are 16 of us on that side and the youngest cousins are still 6 and 8 so there are lots of loud toys and fun stories and 'what did Santa bring you' questions. We had some brunch/lunch and took turns opening our gifts one by one. We have always had a rule over there that you open gifts one at a time going youngest to oldest so everyone can see what everyone else got. This tradition has grown since me, both of my brothers and my cousin now bring their husband/fiances/girlfriend to the get together. So now we sit through 5 or 6 rounds of 16 gifts each and it can take a while lol. Once all the floor had been covered with paper and small toys and gifts everyone was stuffed full, my brother AG and his girlfriend took us home and I paid them for helping us put the gifts away and cleaning up the house a little. We both laid down, took our pain meds and went to sleep. It was a pretty nice time.
This was only supposed to be a small section of my post and has now grown pretty long so I think I will continue the rest next time.
The week before christmas I had to have another last minute micro-surgery to close up the rips in my scar tissue and was not allowed to drive or lift anything. TB was still hunched over and couldn't do much of anything and was at this point using a 'cane' (an upside down golf club) to get around. This meant that our wonderful families chauffeured us around all weekend long. My brother picked us up with ALL of our gifts since we were not able to get back to the house for 2 days and took us to my grandparents' house on my dad's side. We had a very nice holiday with no fighting or craziness. My sweet mother in law AB picked us up and took us down the road to her sister's place for festivities with that side of the family. We spent a nice night eating food and opening gifts and sitting by the fireplace. Mostly, we sat on the couch groaning and everyone else did those things around us, but it worked. We spent the night at AB's and stayed up late watching a really great black and white movie that I don't remember the name of now and had a very nice night before we fell asleep on the couches. We awoke to coffee brewing and the tree twinkling with lights because AB had tiptoed around and made everything extra festive while we were sleeping. -she's so cute. That morning was lovely opening gifts with AB, my brother in law BB and TB. We had a very nice intimate little christmas morning that was just perfect. After getting dressed and piling our haul of goodies in AB's car, she dropped us off at my other grandmother's house on her way out of town. We sat on the couch and enjoyed a much noisier and busier holiday at that house. There are 16 of us on that side and the youngest cousins are still 6 and 8 so there are lots of loud toys and fun stories and 'what did Santa bring you' questions. We had some brunch/lunch and took turns opening our gifts one by one. We have always had a rule over there that you open gifts one at a time going youngest to oldest so everyone can see what everyone else got. This tradition has grown since me, both of my brothers and my cousin now bring their husband/fiances/girlfriend to the get together. So now we sit through 5 or 6 rounds of 16 gifts each and it can take a while lol. Once all the floor had been covered with paper and small toys and gifts everyone was stuffed full, my brother AG and his girlfriend took us home and I paid them for helping us put the gifts away and cleaning up the house a little. We both laid down, took our pain meds and went to sleep. It was a pretty nice time.
This was only supposed to be a small section of my post and has now grown pretty long so I think I will continue the rest next time.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Ache
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Ache
Ache is a word I know very well. The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems. The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason. The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs. The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around. That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery. The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently. The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it. That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father. That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have. Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend. The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart. Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun. Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine. Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about. Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age. Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was. Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts. Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger. I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it. Ache is what I know. Ache is constant. Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of. The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away. Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there. For now, I am working on lessening my aches. Maybe someday that will change.
Ache
Ache is a word I know very well. The literal ache in my back, legs, feet, hips and everything connected on a regular basis because of newly minted medical problems. The ache in my uterus and abdomen from the random contractions and movement that I have all the time now for no real reason. The aches left over that emanate from the scar tissue inside my organs. The ache in my heart when I look in my rear view mirror and see that little ghost child that follows me around. That ache I feel in my throat when I know my heart wants to cry for the fact that its been so long without recovery. The ache behind my eyes when I think that I could be holding my child's hand if things had gone differently. The inevitable ache that creeps over my brain like dark mists telling me its my fault my baby died and I am being punished for it. That aching feeling that pulls at the edges of my happiness when I see pictures of my friend's children and how happy they are or when I wonder if my child would be as mischievous as his father. That voice that still whispers in my ear while perched on my shoulder, digging in its claws as it reminds me of what I don't have. Ache when I remember that I am still grieving both my child and my best friend. The aches of thinking about that May when they both passed away just weeks apart. Ache slips in when I am making plans and having fun. Ache creeps up and changes my schedule, my feelings and my routine. Ache causes me to spend time, money and attention on things I would rather not think about. Ache gets me to schedule doctor appointments, call in new prescriptions and take trips to the physical therapist to work with people 3 times my age. Ache has changed my life and the person I thought I was. Ache is with me each and every second of all of my days, in my dreams and all of my thoughts. Ache spends its time trying to grow larger and louder and stronger. I spend endless amounts of myself trying to swallow it, shrink it and ignore it. Ache is what I know. Ache is constant. Ache is something that maybe one day I will live with less of. The thing is though, I don't think it will ever go away. Just like the idiots who say I will eventually 'forget' my miscarriage, I know it is something that will just always be there. For now, I am working on lessening my aches. Maybe someday that will change.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Grit
Thanks MH for the encouragement, I AM going to make a 5 minute Friday post today. Ignoring it because it didn't come from Gitz is not really the best choice. I also for some reason have it in my head that I need to do all the ones I missed and when I looked back I found that I have not posted one since September and have missed 22 of them. Well damn. Thats quite a lot. Maybe it will get me back in the habit of posting though.... stay tuned.
Ok Here goes.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Grit
Grit makes me think of determination. It makes me think of the internal motivation and want that must be strong to go for the goal you really want to accomplish. It also makes me think of sports, but most things make me think of sports so that part is a little irrelevant. Mostly flag football games played at the park and the snowy games in Green Bay that are fun to watch or the loud smack you hear when the hockey players check each other into the glass. Man, I love hockey. Those guys must have to stick through a lot to get what they really really want. I mean yea, eventually when you are the pro you get lots of perks and goodies and its fun to be a celebrity. (Darryl Johnston is still the only person who ever rendered me speechless when I met him) But think of all the dieting and flying and training and work and rules and curfews and unrealistic expectations you must live up to in order to actually be a pro athlete. How it must feel to want something sooo badly. I don't know that I have a specific goal like that. I have regular goals, get healthy, be happy and protect my family but I don't know if I have anything that I have spent my life working towards. I wonder if its too late for something like that to appear. I don't think you can really go looking for those kinds of things, something that so moves you has to find you. It cannot be found. Or tried. Or looked for.
Hmmm.... that didn't really go where I thought it would.... I guess thats the point of these things though.
Ok Here goes.
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Grit
Grit makes me think of determination. It makes me think of the internal motivation and want that must be strong to go for the goal you really want to accomplish. It also makes me think of sports, but most things make me think of sports so that part is a little irrelevant. Mostly flag football games played at the park and the snowy games in Green Bay that are fun to watch or the loud smack you hear when the hockey players check each other into the glass. Man, I love hockey. Those guys must have to stick through a lot to get what they really really want. I mean yea, eventually when you are the pro you get lots of perks and goodies and its fun to be a celebrity. (Darryl Johnston is still the only person who ever rendered me speechless when I met him) But think of all the dieting and flying and training and work and rules and curfews and unrealistic expectations you must live up to in order to actually be a pro athlete. How it must feel to want something sooo badly. I don't know that I have a specific goal like that. I have regular goals, get healthy, be happy and protect my family but I don't know if I have anything that I have spent my life working towards. I wonder if its too late for something like that to appear. I don't think you can really go looking for those kinds of things, something that so moves you has to find you. It cannot be found. Or tried. Or looked for.
Hmmm.... that didn't really go where I thought it would.... I guess thats the point of these things though.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday is upon us once again....
Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday. -Obviously
This also means that Gypsy Mama will post a 5 minute Friday post. See, I started doing 5 minute Fridays after MH showed me a blog by Gitzen Girl that had a great 5 minute Friday post about parents having childless friends. (are you following me through that crazy sentence?)
Well since Gitz is gone I've found it kinda hard to keep the 5 minute Friday updates coming. First of all, I always got the prompts from her blog. Second, it makes me sad when I get the blog update on my phone from Gypsy Mama and I don't have one from Gitz. Each Friday I read the post from GM and think about it and then never blog because it makes me sad. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Let's see.....
This also means that Gypsy Mama will post a 5 minute Friday post. See, I started doing 5 minute Fridays after MH showed me a blog by Gitzen Girl that had a great 5 minute Friday post about parents having childless friends. (are you following me through that crazy sentence?)
Well since Gitz is gone I've found it kinda hard to keep the 5 minute Friday updates coming. First of all, I always got the prompts from her blog. Second, it makes me sad when I get the blog update on my phone from Gypsy Mama and I don't have one from Gitz. Each Friday I read the post from GM and think about it and then never blog because it makes me sad. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Let's see.....
Monday, February 20, 2012
Big Breath
I know its been a while guys, I have a million excuses but mostly I've just been overwhelmed. I am trying to get back to this because its something I really like doing.
I've been going to physical therapy lately and have added TWO more doctors to the ones I already see so it has been a little nuts. My new meds make me feel awful and work has been busy and everyone I know is sick or hurt so I have been running around all kinds of crazy and getting nothing done. Its times like those that I feel like a 'sick person,' I don't have energy to clean my house or make dinner, I don't have the strength to help my great grandmother out of the car and I just don't have the patience for poor TB who is stuck doing it all. Ugh. I don't like feeling at all helpless and thats what bouts like this feel like. I am working really hard at PT though and feel like its helping a lot so I plan to have more energy soon.
On the other hand, TB has been pretty jerky lately so as an I'm sorry he has been cleaning our apartment. Really cleaning it. Cleaning it the way I used to clean it. I am pretty OCD and any spec or spot bothers me, I don't like things out of place or unorganized and I find joy in throwin things away and having a clean space. TB, not so much. If it does not smell awful, the house is clean. Needless to say we are different and I do not force him to clean the way I want to when I can't do it. Our house is pretty spotless right now. It is a very nice gesture to see him work so hard when I know it isn't important to him. He even scrubbed the baseboards.
Seeing the clean house lets me exhale a little and feel a little more in control and supported. Its hard to be the spouse of someone sick all of the time, he sure puts up with a lot.
I've been going to physical therapy lately and have added TWO more doctors to the ones I already see so it has been a little nuts. My new meds make me feel awful and work has been busy and everyone I know is sick or hurt so I have been running around all kinds of crazy and getting nothing done. Its times like those that I feel like a 'sick person,' I don't have energy to clean my house or make dinner, I don't have the strength to help my great grandmother out of the car and I just don't have the patience for poor TB who is stuck doing it all. Ugh. I don't like feeling at all helpless and thats what bouts like this feel like. I am working really hard at PT though and feel like its helping a lot so I plan to have more energy soon.
On the other hand, TB has been pretty jerky lately so as an I'm sorry he has been cleaning our apartment. Really cleaning it. Cleaning it the way I used to clean it. I am pretty OCD and any spec or spot bothers me, I don't like things out of place or unorganized and I find joy in throwin things away and having a clean space. TB, not so much. If it does not smell awful, the house is clean. Needless to say we are different and I do not force him to clean the way I want to when I can't do it. Our house is pretty spotless right now. It is a very nice gesture to see him work so hard when I know it isn't important to him. He even scrubbed the baseboards.
Seeing the clean house lets me exhale a little and feel a little more in control and supported. Its hard to be the spouse of someone sick all of the time, he sure puts up with a lot.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Life can be hard
TB hurt his back and has been hunched over and barely walking this week and it has been crazy. It is very difficult to be the able bodied family member when I am in so much pain. My legs are throbbing, my feet are tingling and my toes are numb. I cannot sleep and work and everything else has me crazy stressed. TB cannot lift or bend and can barely walk or move.
I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend. I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do. I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday. My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with. My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late. I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car. I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish. We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.
I am not sleeping. I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested. I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at leastpass out get some rest. IT HAS BEEN WEEKS. No sleep for weeks makes me cranky and unmotivated.
I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills. I hate it. I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office. It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.
The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now. I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before. You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.
TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us). He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour. Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels. I'm getting even less done than usual.
We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run. The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days. So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday. That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around. We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.
Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.
I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.
I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective. Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF. No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough. Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is. Things will be ok. Things will be ok. Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
I have cookies to bake, gifts to finish making and wrapping and a house that is still not cleaned up from the birthday party I threw for myself last weekend. I look around and make lists and lists and lists and try to convince myself there isn't a lot to do. I spent most of last week sick and took my birthday off so I am behind at work and I have been stressed out trying to get things done before we take off this Friday and Monday. My boss/grandmother gets super stressed around the holidays and tends to focus her energy on me so I get chewed out hourly for things I have no control over/nothing to do with. My pile of to do papers is HUGE and I just can't get through it because I cannot find time to stay late. I have a hard time cleaning up because I am taking care of TB and have been buying fast food for lunch and dinner this week because the kitchen isn't clean and I have to drop TB off after work in order to go to the store because TB can't walk through the store and is too uncomfortable sitting in the car. I haven't started baking the mountain of cookies I need to make and I have bath salts and scrapbooks to finish. We have a list of advent things we were supposed to do for fun that I now feel obligated to and cannot find time for.
I am not sleeping. I wake up every hour or half hour and just cannot get rested. I am used to insomnia and the tiredness that goes with it but I usually crash after a few days and at least
I am going to the doctor almost every morning for tests, injections and pills. I hate it. I was so happy to have that time off of meds and out of the doctor's office. It makes me depressed when I wake up to think my first thought is the doc.
The laundry is literally waist deep in my closet because we have been running without heads for a while now. I can't even go to bed without doing a load of laundry and that just makes me feel more tired than before. You'd think while I wasn't sleeping I'd be doing laundry but I guess it doesn't really work that way.
TB's phone is not working so I can't leave him at home because we don't even have a land line so he couldn't get a hold of anyone if he fell or if something random and crazy happens(like it always seems to with us). He drove himself to the bank today at work and I nearly had a heart attack when it took him an hour. Of course since he's at the office but in a ton of pain without strong meds he is mostly useless to get anything done and I am constantly distracted by what he needs and how he feels. I'm getting even less done than usual.
We FINALLY got our plans nailed down for the holidays and I am happy we have no overlapping plans so we don't have to run. The only problem is that our plans lined up soooo perfectly that we don't have time to stop in between the FOUR places we have to be in those 2 days. So I have no last minute time to get things done and everything has to be ready by noon on Saturday. That means dressed nicely, presents wrapped organized and packed in the car, gas in the tank, food prepared wrapped and in a cooler so we can haul it around. We are leaving the house at noon on Sat and won't see it again until Sun night.
Woooooo, I just needed to get some of that out.
I am feeling so stressed, so worried and just can't shake the idea that everything is on my shoulders and it will all probably go wrong.
I am trying soooo hard just to take a deep breath and keep everything in perspective. Say it out loud mwc, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE INCREDIBLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF. No one will die from a late present or lack of cookie dough. Nobody's life depends on how I look for the holidays or how messy the kitchen is. Things will be ok. Things will be ok. Things will be ok, just take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It is hard to get through this anxiety lately, I wake up with a racing heart and can't calm down even when I take the right meds.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It Happens
I read a short article here that says Michelle Dugger of 19 Kids and Counting had a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester. That's a sad thing to hear, but I thought all of the nasty comments after the article were even worst. It is not anyone's right to tell you when to have kids or how many is enough, telling any mother she 'deserved it' or that 'it was a sign' is just disgusting. You don't have to agree with what she does but how can you really tell someone its a good thing they lost their child?
People are gross.
People are gross.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Interesting
We were at the office today and TB was having one of those lethargic, burnt out sort of workdays so I suggested he do something other than work and cut up some photos I had printed for a few minutes. After he was done, I gathered them up, 'Thanks for cutting these for me. See? I told you that you wouldn't mess them up.' He remarked, 'I tend to mess everything up somehow I just figured I could mess those up too.' I told him, 'I don't think you mess things up, you just keep life interesting.' And as I said that I turned around to see him leaning waaaay back in his desk chair and then throw a star shaped stress ball straight into his eye. He yelled that it hurt and doubled over while we both cracked up. 'I think you just made my point for me dear.'
Its the little things that keep life interesting. It certainly is never dull at my house. Or work I guess.....
Its the little things that keep life interesting. It certainly is never dull at my house. Or work I guess.....
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Good Advice
This article has some good advice about how to talk to your childless friends if you are a parent. I have to agree with all of these things. =)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Carving Pumpkins
Tonight we are carving pumpkins with my friends, something I just love to so. We get silly, usually put on random costumes or masks and take a ton of laughing pictures. I like to see how creative everyone gets and I end up with a huge display of jack o lanterns when we're done. CZ came the first year, then CA and SC, then CZ, SC and BZ, this year CZ, JF JP and my little brother AG are coming and its gonna be a blast.
In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays. Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce. Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them. These are things I just loved doing.
Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun. The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning. I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back. I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.
In my house as a kid, we loved doing crafts for the holidays. Dying Easter eggs took hours because we each had a dozen works of art to produce. Carving pumpkins took special planning to get just the right face design and hanging xmas ornaments was a battle to see how many on the tree were yours and they all had to be right in front where everyone could see them. These are things I just loved doing.
Most of the friends that have/will come over for carving haven't done it before and I think that's kinda fun. The first time CZ carved her pumpkin she was so excited she could not stop grinning. I like sharing my traditions with other people and its a lot of fun when they enjoy it and keep coming back. I may not share these things with my kids; if for some reason I cannot adopt, can't have kids or in some way end up childless, I will have fun doing these things with other people that I love.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
10-15
Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sounds like a long and sad name, but if you think about it its pretty nice. A lot of ladies feel like they cannot talk about the loss of a baby or miscarriage. Many people feel like this is less of a loss because they are not born yet or are alive for such a short time. I, obviously, feel the opposite of this and want to celebrate the people that have gone through it. All people should be able to express their grief and should be encouraged to deal with that issue instead of push it away or ignore it. I hope that everyone has the opportunity in their life to share their joys and pains with someone. I hope that all of you have someone you can talk to or be with when you are dealing with difficult times, pregnancy related or not. Take this day of remembrance and hold those close to you that have dealt with difficult times. It can be embarrassing and confusing. Give strength to those that need it in your life and don't be afraid to ask when you need a little back.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
4 long/short years
My baby could be turning 4 today. That just breaks my heart. I want to badly to be able to hold him and just be with him. I know that just isn't what was meant to be but I still struggle with it. Did I do something so wrong that karma took away my ability to have kids? I just hate to think that my kid could be trailing around behind me, learning things about the world and soaking in the love I know he would get. I sometimes feel like its hard to miss something that you never really had but those thoughts were there, the life was there and the love was there. I had my whole world planned and suddenly that ended. How can I go on to have more children when I feel like that is the wrong thing to do? How can I tell the difference between my gut feeling telling me what is right for me and my guilt chastising me for what has happened?
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make. Who would our child be? I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses? My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families. I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like? Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have. I want to know what that is like. I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone. I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow. I want to know those things with all of my heart. But... I know that just may not be what happens for me. I may not get those experiences. I might not ever be that person I thought I would be. I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though. I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through it all.
I look at my husband and wonder what kind of life we would make. Who would our child be? I think often about the quirks and personalities in my family and wonder which of those things my child could have, what combination of traits would he posses? My brothers and I could not be more different from one another but the things that make us up are inherently from our parents and families. I see so many people in my face and mannerisms, what would my baby be like? Holding JBU's 10 day old BU shows me the personality that a child can already have. I want to know what that is like. I want to create another person with my husband and watch him grow up and turn into someone. I want to know what it feels like to carry my child and feel him move and grow. I want to know those things with all of my heart. But... I know that just may not be what happens for me. I may not get those experiences. I might not ever be that person I thought I would be. I am learning how to be pretty happy with anyone else I am though. I am starting to feel like maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through it all.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Scarred
Soo.... I got it! I got my tattoo finally.
BAAAMMMMM!! There it is.
I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person. This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special. I am so happy with it =)
BAAAMMMMM!! There it is.
I have been struggling with what kind of a heart I want because I am not a girlie heart kind of person. This is traced from a portion of one of my awesome friend's painting, SC, so it is extra special. I am so happy with it =)
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