Disqualified Grief
This article above was posted on facebook by a friend/family member of mine and I thought it really meant a lot. This woman fights and grieves for abortion reform with other pro lifers but when she honors her child taht was lost they are tense, weird, uncomfortable and discount her feelings. We ALL should recognize that grief is not something we should ignore and losing your child at any age, at any time is difficult.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Beyonce miscarriage
I'm not one who usually follows celebrities and their lives but I do think that I will be watching this show about Beyonce. I like that she keeps herself private and doesn't do everything for show and I admire anyone who is strong enough to talk about their miscarriage and what that felt like to such a large audience.
http://tv.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/beyonc%c3%a9-knowles-opens-miscarriage-hbo-documentary-164332683.html
http://tv.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/beyonc%c3%a9-knowles-opens-miscarriage-hbo-documentary-164332683.html
Monday, October 15, 2012
PILR and 5/23
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
While the following is not specifically graphic it may be difficult.
On 5/23/07 TB and I headed to the OBGYN together for the first time. I had been to previous appointments with other doctors for well check ups and all the prenatal vitamins and things that you do early on but this was the first time that TB was coming with me and the first time at the big clinic with the doctor-who-shall-not-be-named-because-we-are-currently-suing-her. All indications from the nurses meant that this would be the appointment you think about when you think of pregnancy; hearing the heart beat for the first time together, seeing a sonogram that actually looked kinda like a baby and not just a lump. We sat forever in the waiting room and giggled and got really excited. We were about to see and hear our child for the first time and we were just excited. Once in the exam room we answered more questions (including several not so nice ones about how young we were) and got ready for the sonogram. The first one didn't work so we tried a different kind and that one showed nothing as well. My heart just sank as they tried everything they could to find the heartbeat. There was not movement, no heartbeat and things just started to fall apart. I was rushed to the hospital portion to see another doctor to see if the pregnancy had become ectopic, which means the egg latches and grows in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus, and if there was any danger. I spent a long time staring at the ceiling alone waiting for the doctors to decide what was going on. He began to search for anything unusual and came to the conclusion that the fetus had stopped living very recently. After I counted the ceiling tiles for the thousandth time through my tears, he eventually was able to ensure that I was not in any danger and we started to talk about how to pass the baby the safest way. We scheduled an appointment for the morning.
TB and I left the office devastated. We sat in the car and just cried in the parking lot, neither of us knowing what to say. We drove over to my parents' house and told them the news and cried some more. We had no reasons, no answers, no explanations. We just didn't know what to do. After a long time talking we decided to go home and rest for the upcoming day. Both of us fell asleep almost immediately. I woke up a few hours later, laying on top of the covers and sleeping still in my clothes and shoes. Something didn't feel right. I used the restroom and saw the blood that I had been warned might start appearing. After some time I realized that there was more pain than there should be and my body was passing the fetus and flushing everything out of my uterus. I sat in the tub by myself for hours and went through the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. When the contractions slowed down and it looked like things were over I turned on the shower and cried until there were no tears left. I wrapped myself in robes and towels but could not get warm. Eventually I crawled back into bed, wet and shivering and curled up next to a sound asleep TB.
The doctor cancelled the procedure the next day since it was no longer necessary and soon after I started to have unusual symptoms and issues that began my long recovery process. I have since unsuccessfully tried to overcome the guilt, loss, pain and leftover trauma of that experience. Though I have not yet won those wars, I am winning more battles and am no longer afraid to talk about my experiences throughout the last 5 years.
While the following is not specifically graphic it may be difficult.
On 5/23/07 TB and I headed to the OBGYN together for the first time. I had been to previous appointments with other doctors for well check ups and all the prenatal vitamins and things that you do early on but this was the first time that TB was coming with me and the first time at the big clinic with the doctor-who-shall-not-be-named-because-we-are-currently-suing-her. All indications from the nurses meant that this would be the appointment you think about when you think of pregnancy; hearing the heart beat for the first time together, seeing a sonogram that actually looked kinda like a baby and not just a lump. We sat forever in the waiting room and giggled and got really excited. We were about to see and hear our child for the first time and we were just excited. Once in the exam room we answered more questions (including several not so nice ones about how young we were) and got ready for the sonogram. The first one didn't work so we tried a different kind and that one showed nothing as well. My heart just sank as they tried everything they could to find the heartbeat. There was not movement, no heartbeat and things just started to fall apart. I was rushed to the hospital portion to see another doctor to see if the pregnancy had become ectopic, which means the egg latches and grows in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus, and if there was any danger. I spent a long time staring at the ceiling alone waiting for the doctors to decide what was going on. He began to search for anything unusual and came to the conclusion that the fetus had stopped living very recently. After I counted the ceiling tiles for the thousandth time through my tears, he eventually was able to ensure that I was not in any danger and we started to talk about how to pass the baby the safest way. We scheduled an appointment for the morning.
TB and I left the office devastated. We sat in the car and just cried in the parking lot, neither of us knowing what to say. We drove over to my parents' house and told them the news and cried some more. We had no reasons, no answers, no explanations. We just didn't know what to do. After a long time talking we decided to go home and rest for the upcoming day. Both of us fell asleep almost immediately. I woke up a few hours later, laying on top of the covers and sleeping still in my clothes and shoes. Something didn't feel right. I used the restroom and saw the blood that I had been warned might start appearing. After some time I realized that there was more pain than there should be and my body was passing the fetus and flushing everything out of my uterus. I sat in the tub by myself for hours and went through the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. When the contractions slowed down and it looked like things were over I turned on the shower and cried until there were no tears left. I wrapped myself in robes and towels but could not get warm. Eventually I crawled back into bed, wet and shivering and curled up next to a sound asleep TB.
The doctor cancelled the procedure the next day since it was no longer necessary and soon after I started to have unusual symptoms and issues that began my long recovery process. I have since unsuccessfully tried to overcome the guilt, loss, pain and leftover trauma of that experience. Though I have not yet won those wars, I am winning more battles and am no longer afraid to talk about my experiences throughout the last 5 years.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Timelines
I have been reflecting lately on my state in my life and my future plans. It seems everyone in the world is having a baby lately. I have been invited to 3 baby showers in the last month and know of AT LEAST 4 other people who are expecting right now. Going to BU's first birthday and CR's 2nd birthday were also milestones that make me stop and think.
First of all, where has all of this time gone? How are my friends and I old enough to have babies and families and all that other stuff? What has happened? It feels like we are just not far along on our timelines to be doing that kind of thing.
Second, I am just ridiculously overjoyed that I got to be at BU's birthday party and watch him gnaw on his cake and be adorable. He is just the cutest thing ever. I felt like The Grinch when his heart grows too big and breaks that thing when I signed Aunt L on his present. It's just fun to be referred to as his aunt. JU (his mom) is one of my closest friends and one of the best people on the planet and I am just in love with her son. -in the appropriate way clearly
But third, I get this weird little half pang of sadness that I will probably never be on that path. I am more than happy for my loved ones that are getting that gift but it just twists a little when I realize I just probably never will. When giggling about baby shower games I made the declaration that MY baby shower would have booze for the guests and strippers so everyone could enjoy themselves properly and not ooh and aaah over tiny baby things. I had to stop and clarify IF I had a baby shower it would have those things and that took some of the fun out of it. I really feel like babies are a bad choice at this exact point in my life but it is just a tiny bit difficult to look at these children that other people get to love so much and live with every day and I get nothing. I guess I have cats, they sure are whiny and spoiled like kids. They aren't children though, they are cats. My husband acts like a toddler some days but that's really a different story. I am so looking forward to my auntly duties as BU gets older and my brothers start having kids and I become Aunt L again and again. I just need to continue to work on sewing up this hole I feel inside.
First of all, where has all of this time gone? How are my friends and I old enough to have babies and families and all that other stuff? What has happened? It feels like we are just not far along on our timelines to be doing that kind of thing.
Second, I am just ridiculously overjoyed that I got to be at BU's birthday party and watch him gnaw on his cake and be adorable. He is just the cutest thing ever. I felt like The Grinch when his heart grows too big and breaks that thing when I signed Aunt L on his present. It's just fun to be referred to as his aunt. JU (his mom) is one of my closest friends and one of the best people on the planet and I am just in love with her son. -in the appropriate way clearly
But third, I get this weird little half pang of sadness that I will probably never be on that path. I am more than happy for my loved ones that are getting that gift but it just twists a little when I realize I just probably never will. When giggling about baby shower games I made the declaration that MY baby shower would have booze for the guests and strippers so everyone could enjoy themselves properly and not ooh and aaah over tiny baby things. I had to stop and clarify IF I had a baby shower it would have those things and that took some of the fun out of it. I really feel like babies are a bad choice at this exact point in my life but it is just a tiny bit difficult to look at these children that other people get to love so much and live with every day and I get nothing. I guess I have cats, they sure are whiny and spoiled like kids. They aren't children though, they are cats. My husband acts like a toddler some days but that's really a different story. I am so looking forward to my auntly duties as BU gets older and my brothers start having kids and I become Aunt L again and again. I just need to continue to work on sewing up this hole I feel inside.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Choices
Every single moment of life is a choice, your choice. Everything that you do has a reason, has a purpose and it is your responsibility to stand behind that. Maybe you chose to wear red shoes today because the color caught your eye, maybe you chose to buy a new home because this one just isn't what you thought it would be, maybe you chose to start a relationship because the chemistry made you feel happy. Every moment is a choice and every choice has a reason. It is all too easy to say 'Oh I don't know why I said that, did that, chose that,' but the truth is you do. Dig a little deeper and think about the question, then answer honestly. That answer can be easy, difficult, complicated, terrible or superficial but there is a reason you made that choice. A wonderful woman chose joy. Constantly. Gitzen Girl felt we should all choose joy always. Every day and every choice was governed by the love and relationship she felt from god. She stood fiercely behind that reason. She is missed. I get a quick heart beat when a post from her friends and family comes up on my blog feed because I love that they are carrying on her love, spirit and joy. They remind the many many people that read her blog more than a year ago why they frequented her site. Updates and info are always great to hear and I, personally, especially appreciate the posts where words from Gitz resonate in their lives today. I have never felt such an impact from someone that I have never met before in such a direct way. She was part of a group that seems too small most days that felt like it was her purpose to live the way god wanted her to live and that by emphasizing that in a positive way she could spread some of his love around. I found no judgement, disdain or preaching in the way it has come to mean. I felt unwavering strength. Not once did she demean or emphasize how others' choices were wrong or against the teachings she felt very VERY close to, instead she found that people made different choices and she understood and BELIEVED that even those choices stemmed from god's will. Spreading love and strength and joy was important and somehow effortless for her. If the fact that those things came from something you didn't agree with bothered you then you clearly were not listening. It is important that people find a way to respect one another and share how they feel without pushing those things onto others. It is evident possibly now more than most times with all the defamation of presidential candidates that goes with elections that there is VERY little respect and kindness in every day life. It is sooooooo easy to turn up your nose, discount someone and gossip with people who only feel the way you do sometimes, but that is not what makes life, people and the world better. I feel like I am better for 'knowing' Gitz and it would have been nice if she knew that. But if she is looking down like she truly believed she would be I'm sure she sees it in many faces and that is enough. In your life, take just one second and be kind, show respect and choose joy. Choose joy as often as you possibly can but, do it just once and it will start to come easily.
Gitzen Girl is missed by so many and her choices in life have impacted more than she and her family will ever know (which says A LOT because the out pour just on line of people that felt touched by her is inspiring) but the words and choices she has made live in many many people who cherished her words. I still cannot believe the pain and difficulties she went through with her years of difficult medical issues having seen her words that just dripped with strength and the overwhelming feeling that in the end it would all be ok because she chose joy.
Gitzen Girl is missed by so many and her choices in life have impacted more than she and her family will ever know (which says A LOT because the out pour just on line of people that felt touched by her is inspiring) but the words and choices she has made live in many many people who cherished her words. I still cannot believe the pain and difficulties she went through with her years of difficult medical issues having seen her words that just dripped with strength and the overwhelming feeling that in the end it would all be ok because she chose joy.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Two of Us
Sometimes I am too independent. Sometimes I forget that every SINGLE thing that I do can affect TB. If you don't know me in person then you don't know how fiercely independent I am, and have always been. I spent a lot of my life figuring things out for myself and taking care of whatever situation I was in on my own. Doing this means that I don't always think about the other people involved in the choices that I make. A few weeks ago TB and I went to see our favorite band Night Train at the local bar they usually play at. This place is a dive bar for sure and the people that hang out there are not always the classiest. To keep the story short I got into a heated argument with some guy that was in my face and trying to push me around and putting his hands on me. He was being inappropriate and saying some really nasty things so hothead that I am, I got back in his face and things just escalated. It took 3 people to keep me from hitting this guy in the face for the crap he was saying. I will absolutely tell you that is not the best decision or the right choice but in my beer soaked, pissed off moment that's where we were. I don't pick fights, I tried to stay calm but I eventually felt like I needed to defend myself.
The next day I had a conversation with TB and he let me know he was upset that I had gotten so angry and was scared I would be arrested if I was fighting in the bar with some guy. All justified concerns. We worked it out and he wasn't mad at me or anything because he knew I was defending myself myself and it wasn't like I drunkenly took a swing at someone, they legitimately started an incident. It did take a little while for him to shake off how upset he was at the idea that I might get in a fight or go to jail or anything similar. This whole thing made me think about the choices that I make. I am the type of person who really over thinks things and while I am sure whatever I am thinking about is the best choice for me, I don't always remember to think about how TB might feel. I'm not making crazy life decisions or anything but it would definitely be a good idea to think about the things I do when my temper takes over.
I would think after 8 years together, 6 years living together and 4 years married that we would have a better routine down but it's hard for us to get used to one another. Living 5 years of our lives in grief and bad health has not helped either. So goes marriage.
The next day I had a conversation with TB and he let me know he was upset that I had gotten so angry and was scared I would be arrested if I was fighting in the bar with some guy. All justified concerns. We worked it out and he wasn't mad at me or anything because he knew I was defending myself myself and it wasn't like I drunkenly took a swing at someone, they legitimately started an incident. It did take a little while for him to shake off how upset he was at the idea that I might get in a fight or go to jail or anything similar. This whole thing made me think about the choices that I make. I am the type of person who really over thinks things and while I am sure whatever I am thinking about is the best choice for me, I don't always remember to think about how TB might feel. I'm not making crazy life decisions or anything but it would definitely be a good idea to think about the things I do when my temper takes over.
I would think after 8 years together, 6 years living together and 4 years married that we would have a better routine down but it's hard for us to get used to one another. Living 5 years of our lives in grief and bad health has not helped either. So goes marriage.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Connect
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)
Connect
Last weekend brought a lot of connections for me. My husband and I drove down to San Antonio to spend some time with family and celebrate my cousin, RL, graduating from the Air Force Academy. My grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle, RL's husband and my other cousin were all there. RL's husband, JL, also brought along his half brother with his wife and two kids. It was not a small event to say the least. That side of the family, and the members that came down specifically, are partiers. We like to laugh and tell stories while we make food and hang out together. We love to have a good time and there is rarely anything else when we all get together. We only see my aunt, uncle and cousins every few years so there is a lot to catch up on. I had never met JL before so it was nice to meet the man that make RL so happy. Reconnecting with that side of my family fills my heart up. My uncle got so sad when we had to leave early and my aunt and I spent the whole time wrestling around with my dad and teasing him. (a tradition of ours) I am named after her so he yells that the L's are picking on him and runs to tell his mom. After 50 years he is still telling mommy when his sister bothers him and it just cracks us up. We only spent about 24 hours with them but it makes me want to spent every weekend with them. After we left the family we had lunch with some friends of ours that live in San Antonio that we had not seen in several years. It happened to be NL's daughter's birthday so we had a very nice celebration lunch where I got to meet her 2 year old daughter for the first time. Soaking in all the fun and conversation from that short lunch visit makes me miss them so much right now. It also reaffirms that time and distance just doesn't effect some relationships. Once we got home on Saturday evening I went straight to JU's mom's house because she was in town that weekend. I got to see her, her husband and their sweet baby BU. He will be 1 next month and I just can't believe how big he is and I fall completely in love every time I see him again. We went out that night with old high school friends, some like CZ that I see all the time and some like BZ that I do not. I reconnected with SO many people that I feel exhausted from the love.
-Quick side note while I still have time left on the clock-
For a split second I got the cold sweat fear that I would have to have the baby discussion with a room full of people I haven't seen in years and therefore aren't completely aware of my situation and some strangers. JL was playing with his nephew and while hoisting him above his head he asked 'So when are you guys gonna start having kids?'
I nearly dropped to the floor because I was so unprepared, I usually don't get that from family anymore. I tried to recover and smile while I said 'Oh none for us, I'm just looking forward to being an aunt in a few years.' And JL made the face everyone makes when I say that so I braced myself. To my surprise however, he smiled really wide and very proudly said, 'Same for us, we're not having kids.' Phew! I was out and it was over in seconds, I panicked for nothing.
This got me thinking though, that is how we connect with new people. We connect through our shared experiences or discussing our differences. Asking those 'basic' questions are how we relate and connect.
Connect
Last weekend brought a lot of connections for me. My husband and I drove down to San Antonio to spend some time with family and celebrate my cousin, RL, graduating from the Air Force Academy. My grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle, RL's husband and my other cousin were all there. RL's husband, JL, also brought along his half brother with his wife and two kids. It was not a small event to say the least. That side of the family, and the members that came down specifically, are partiers. We like to laugh and tell stories while we make food and hang out together. We love to have a good time and there is rarely anything else when we all get together. We only see my aunt, uncle and cousins every few years so there is a lot to catch up on. I had never met JL before so it was nice to meet the man that make RL so happy. Reconnecting with that side of my family fills my heart up. My uncle got so sad when we had to leave early and my aunt and I spent the whole time wrestling around with my dad and teasing him. (a tradition of ours) I am named after her so he yells that the L's are picking on him and runs to tell his mom. After 50 years he is still telling mommy when his sister bothers him and it just cracks us up. We only spent about 24 hours with them but it makes me want to spent every weekend with them. After we left the family we had lunch with some friends of ours that live in San Antonio that we had not seen in several years. It happened to be NL's daughter's birthday so we had a very nice celebration lunch where I got to meet her 2 year old daughter for the first time. Soaking in all the fun and conversation from that short lunch visit makes me miss them so much right now. It also reaffirms that time and distance just doesn't effect some relationships. Once we got home on Saturday evening I went straight to JU's mom's house because she was in town that weekend. I got to see her, her husband and their sweet baby BU. He will be 1 next month and I just can't believe how big he is and I fall completely in love every time I see him again. We went out that night with old high school friends, some like CZ that I see all the time and some like BZ that I do not. I reconnected with SO many people that I feel exhausted from the love.
-Quick side note while I still have time left on the clock-
For a split second I got the cold sweat fear that I would have to have the baby discussion with a room full of people I haven't seen in years and therefore aren't completely aware of my situation and some strangers. JL was playing with his nephew and while hoisting him above his head he asked 'So when are you guys gonna start having kids?'
I nearly dropped to the floor because I was so unprepared, I usually don't get that from family anymore. I tried to recover and smile while I said 'Oh none for us, I'm just looking forward to being an aunt in a few years.' And JL made the face everyone makes when I say that so I braced myself. To my surprise however, he smiled really wide and very proudly said, 'Same for us, we're not having kids.' Phew! I was out and it was over in seconds, I panicked for nothing.
This got me thinking though, that is how we connect with new people. We connect through our shared experiences or discussing our differences. Asking those 'basic' questions are how we relate and connect.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Effects of infertility
I came across this article a little while ago and wanted to share it. While I do not necessarily agree with what some of the experts are saying, I think that its a great way to see that people are highlighting the effects of infertility and just how deep they go. One expert in particular seems to be using this study to get more funding for IVF, I really feel like if any funding is added it should go towards mental care of the people involved. Having a baby is a lifestyle choice and the debate about whether money should be set aside from the government to give infertile women the option to conceive is not mine to argue; but the aftershocks of losing a child or having a miscarriage is not a lifestyle choice. People should at the very least have access to someone or something that can help repair the damage that causes.
As someone who has dealt with alcoholism in my family and mental disorders in myself and other family members I am always glad to see these things in the spotlight of information. Too often the notions of being 'a drunk' or 'crazy' outweigh the actual facts. It is difficult to deal with either of these things and I can absolutely see how the internal stress of infertility can cause disorders or drinking. By no means does every woman turn to alcohol or develop a mental disorder, but this shows that many of them have the potential if they are not helped. It is difficult to put yourself in that circumstance if you have never been there, so there is little research or information regarding the mental state of an infertile woman. I like that someone is cataloging some of the results and again just getting the info out there into the world. The more information there is, the easier it can be to talk about it or know where to turn. Not everyone knows that those feelings are natural and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist may be the best answer. Some don't even know or admit to the thoughts and feelings these ladies have talked about and in turn do not know that help is available. It's there and it helps. Look for it if you need it.
As someone who has dealt with alcoholism in my family and mental disorders in myself and other family members I am always glad to see these things in the spotlight of information. Too often the notions of being 'a drunk' or 'crazy' outweigh the actual facts. It is difficult to deal with either of these things and I can absolutely see how the internal stress of infertility can cause disorders or drinking. By no means does every woman turn to alcohol or develop a mental disorder, but this shows that many of them have the potential if they are not helped. It is difficult to put yourself in that circumstance if you have never been there, so there is little research or information regarding the mental state of an infertile woman. I like that someone is cataloging some of the results and again just getting the info out there into the world. The more information there is, the easier it can be to talk about it or know where to turn. Not everyone knows that those feelings are natural and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist may be the best answer. Some don't even know or admit to the thoughts and feelings these ladies have talked about and in turn do not know that help is available. It's there and it helps. Look for it if you need it.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Character Review: Bethenny Frankel
Looking through things on line while I ate my lunch, I came across this article. Although I don't watch her on the Housewives show she is on, or really know a lot about her in any other capacity, I immediately felt for what she said in this article. Her emotions so mirror the ones I had and still have now. That first flicker of 'Oh no, I wasn't planning this' gives way to the excitement only to have it taken back again. If you read my blog at all you have seen that I carry a HUGE bag of guilt around with me from my miscarriage, feeling like it was my fault for not protecting the baby better. Hearing that another woman logically knows it is wrong but still feels that makes me feel a little less crazy. Oh and that fact that she says that she had a small relief that the ill timed pregnancy difficulties were no more is just wonderful to read. (obviously wonderful is an odd term here, go with it) I love to hear a woman be honest about loss and miscarriage because it is really REALLY hard to be honest with yourself and a whole different monster to be honest out loud to other people. This woman is brave for being able to say these things in an interview and put herself out there.
-I have to say that personally hearing a woman who is financially independent, married, older than me and otherwise in a good place say she felt some relief really makes me pause. I felt that small relief that I wasn't going to care for a child that I wasn't sure I was ready for and that my then fiance and I had a chance at a regular young married life together and the chance for TB to be stable and secure in a career. Truthfully it's easier not to have a child with all that is going on in our lives right now. But maybe that's a little selfish. I've had some nasty insults from people who say I 'deserved' the miscarriage because we were young and not yet married, its just kinda nice to hear that someone else has been in that mindset.
Aside from all that, I just wanted to praise her for her honesty.
-I have to say that personally hearing a woman who is financially independent, married, older than me and otherwise in a good place say she felt some relief really makes me pause. I felt that small relief that I wasn't going to care for a child that I wasn't sure I was ready for and that my then fiance and I had a chance at a regular young married life together and the chance for TB to be stable and secure in a career. Truthfully it's easier not to have a child with all that is going on in our lives right now. But maybe that's a little selfish. I've had some nasty insults from people who say I 'deserved' the miscarriage because we were young and not yet married, its just kinda nice to hear that someone else has been in that mindset.
Aside from all that, I just wanted to praise her for her honesty.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Its been a long time been a long time been a long lonely lonely lonely tiiime
I know its been a while guys but man, I have been going through a lot lately. We've been working like mad to save for our vacation and our cruise deposit for my brother's wedding next year, my MIL was in the hospital and my grandmother and great grandmother were in and out a few times too. Difficult work stress plus trying to find the energy to live life. We started a crazy project to clean the WHOLE house out all at once cause I'm smart. I had an evaluation with the Doc and I have been waiting not so patiently for the results. I have been stressing about the choices I will need to make very soon and all that comes with that. And then there's that precarious balance between I need to make my own decision about my body and you're my husband so I want your input.
The biggest thing I have dealt with lately seems to be my meds though. They are forever tweaking and changing and reevaluating the meds I get since I am in another experimental trial. I go to the doctor four times a week, twice to get my blood work done and checked and twice to get GIANT shots to pump me full o meds. Fun. These things make me SOOOOOOO sick it's just awful. I hate it. I have no energy, I get nothing done, I can barely make it to work and back some days. My immune system is down again so my allergies are killing me and I am staying VERY far away from anyone that may be sick or look sick or seem sick or stood near someone else that seemed sorta sick. I just can't afford to be wiped out with something stupid like a cold right now.
Well these meds are kicking my ass so the logical next step is to up the dosage. Yaay. This is the third week on the new dosage and the first week I looked like the walking dead for five days (that 5x the days I looked shitty on the previous dosage just so you have a reference) but the second week and now today I am feeling surprisingly good. I have gotten lots of projects done at work and helped clean up the house, I have even had energy to help with dinner which almost never happens anymore.
So I have this theory... it is completely in my own mind and has no actual medical basis, I'm just kinda hoping that I'm right. So you know when you're in a car accident or something and they give you pain killers? Well as long as you are in a ton of pain the pain killers just sorta soak that up, and when you take one and you are in less pain they make you kinda high and loopy. The pills work when there is pain to counteract and they have side effects (whether you see them as good or bad is up to you I guess) when they aren't being used up. Well I am hoping that the new dosage is actually working and that is why I have the energy to do stuff. I am hoping that I was feeling bad before when they weren't working and now that I am feeling ok that's a sign they are working. Makes a little sense right? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just crazy.
The biggest thing I have dealt with lately seems to be my meds though. They are forever tweaking and changing and reevaluating the meds I get since I am in another experimental trial. I go to the doctor four times a week, twice to get my blood work done and checked and twice to get GIANT shots to pump me full o meds. Fun. These things make me SOOOOOOO sick it's just awful. I hate it. I have no energy, I get nothing done, I can barely make it to work and back some days. My immune system is down again so my allergies are killing me and I am staying VERY far away from anyone that may be sick or look sick or seem sick or stood near someone else that seemed sorta sick. I just can't afford to be wiped out with something stupid like a cold right now.
Well these meds are kicking my ass so the logical next step is to up the dosage. Yaay. This is the third week on the new dosage and the first week I looked like the walking dead for five days (that 5x the days I looked shitty on the previous dosage just so you have a reference) but the second week and now today I am feeling surprisingly good. I have gotten lots of projects done at work and helped clean up the house, I have even had energy to help with dinner which almost never happens anymore.
So I have this theory... it is completely in my own mind and has no actual medical basis, I'm just kinda hoping that I'm right. So you know when you're in a car accident or something and they give you pain killers? Well as long as you are in a ton of pain the pain killers just sorta soak that up, and when you take one and you are in less pain they make you kinda high and loopy. The pills work when there is pain to counteract and they have side effects (whether you see them as good or bad is up to you I guess) when they aren't being used up. Well I am hoping that the new dosage is actually working and that is why I have the energy to do stuff. I am hoping that I was feeling bad before when they weren't working and now that I am feeling ok that's a sign they are working. Makes a little sense right? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just crazy.
Five Minute Friday-Enough
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)
Enough
I have been absent from my blog for a while now since I have been going through some difficulties in life. This seems like the perfect topic to jump into where I am at in my recovery process right now.
I've had enough.
I have just had enough of trying the same meds that are not working and zap all of my energy and make me feel so sick. I seriously cannot keep water down once a week. It's not fun. More than the awful side effects, I am just through sitting around and hoping things will work out. I trust my doctor very much and I generally take his advice but I just can't sit still any longer. At my last evaluation visit I told him that when we meet to discuss the results he needs to schedule a little extra time and plan on going through my options with me because I have had enough of all of this. I am ready to make some decisions and move forward, whichever direction forward takes me. I have had enough days feeling crappy I have had enough pills and meds and shots. I have had enough 'wait and see.'
I've just had enough.
I basically have four options and none of them are good, I am not looking forward to any of them but something has to be done. After five long years dealing with these problems and three years of recovery I have had enough and I need to DO something, anything really, that will change the situation.
I really feel like I have enough strength to make the right choice for my body and my future.
Enough
I have been absent from my blog for a while now since I have been going through some difficulties in life. This seems like the perfect topic to jump into where I am at in my recovery process right now.
I've had enough.
I have just had enough of trying the same meds that are not working and zap all of my energy and make me feel so sick. I seriously cannot keep water down once a week. It's not fun. More than the awful side effects, I am just through sitting around and hoping things will work out. I trust my doctor very much and I generally take his advice but I just can't sit still any longer. At my last evaluation visit I told him that when we meet to discuss the results he needs to schedule a little extra time and plan on going through my options with me because I have had enough of all of this. I am ready to make some decisions and move forward, whichever direction forward takes me. I have had enough days feeling crappy I have had enough pills and meds and shots. I have had enough 'wait and see.'
I've just had enough.
I basically have four options and none of them are good, I am not looking forward to any of them but something has to be done. After five long years dealing with these problems and three years of recovery I have had enough and I need to DO something, anything really, that will change the situation.
I really feel like I have enough strength to make the right choice for my body and my future.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
5 years
Things you can do in five years:
What have I done in five years? Tried to pull myself together.
Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you. I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD. That is just insane. I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed. I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time. I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life. I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into. I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken. I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me. Guys, it is tiring. It wears me out. I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes. I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday. Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits. Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point. Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey. I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two. Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.
- go through high school
- get through college
- pay off a car
- save to buy a house
- plan a wedding and get married
- get a promotion
- travel the world
- start a family
- make a goal
- reach a goal
- almost anything
What have I done in five years? Tried to pull myself together.
Reflecting on the five year anniversary of losing my baby in May makes me realize just how much time can warp you. I COULD HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD. That is just insane. I think about how long it has been and how far I have limped down the recovery path both physically and mentally and wonder how my progress compares to the time that has passed. I see myself moving through a demented Dali inspired scene where I am wandering through a desert with odd objects and melted clocks lay with no sense of time. I cannot focus on the clocks or the things I pass that scare me, I must move forward, soldier on and remember that I am fighting for my life. I am fighting to be a combination of who I was and who I have turned into. I am fighting to tape together my cracks and splinters of this frame that still feels so broken. I am struggling to grieve in a healthy way and not let it consume me. Guys, it is tiring. It wears me out. I wander through this Dali desert and feel alone while knowing I have to rely on myself to make the right changes. I limp some days and crawl others, I wake up sometimes steps behind where I was yesterday. Other days I don't move, I sit in the grief and my heart splits. Eventually I put my hands in the dirt and push myself back up and start moving towards some distant point. Eventually I find a little strength to move towards whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey. I soak in the good thoughts and memories, the brief happy moments TB and I had planning our family future of three and the good ones I know are in the future for our family of two. Eventually I get back up and move through the guilt and pain and take another step.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Character Review: Fran and Maxwell Sheffield
The Nanny and her gorgeous employer danced circles around each other and the idea of a relationship for 5 years and and then very quickly admitted their feelings for one another and got married. Fran finds out soon after the wedding she is pregnant but does not tell Max because he expresses how much he does not want a child yet. After finally telling him she has an accident and ends up in the hospital to find out that she was never really pregnant before, there was a false positive. They spend the next several months trying to get pregnant and are unable to. It takes a long time and lots of hurt feelings but she eventually gets pregnant with twins and both parents are ecstatic.
-I'm sensing a tv theme here. I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.
-I'm sensing a tv theme here. I guess they feel like the karmic effect of reproduction issues is to have multiple children at once.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Risk
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. Be sure you comment on the link posted before you and any other links you read. =)
Risk
Risk is a touchy word. It can be hard for people. High risk pops into my head first. I am at high risk for diseases and infections because of my immune system collapse. I will certainly have a high risk pregnancy if I ever get pregnant again. If that happens there is a risk that I may not survive it. I have potential to be put on a high risk adoption list if we ever decide to do that. My life on many days feels like it is filled to the brim with numbers, statistics, and risk calculations. There's a big risk that I will need to get a full hysterectomy very soon. There is the risk that if I choose to have that surgery now for my health, my husband (or even I) could regret and/or resent it later. It's too risky to make an incision to farm and freeze some of my eggs. Every new pill, shot, capsule gives me the risk of busting one of my many scars AGAIN and giving me internal bleeding AGAIN and making me have ANOTHER minor surgery to fix it up. There is a risk that all of this is for nothing and I may never bear my own children and I may never be healthy again. There is a risk that all of this will trigger my bi-polar disorder in difficult ways that make it hard to control. There is a risk that I will look back and think I made the wrong choices. There is also that chance that anything could happen so it's difficult to believe the statistics every time. Sometimes my gut can see the risks long before the doctors and doctors and doctors see it.
Risk
Risk is a touchy word. It can be hard for people. High risk pops into my head first. I am at high risk for diseases and infections because of my immune system collapse. I will certainly have a high risk pregnancy if I ever get pregnant again. If that happens there is a risk that I may not survive it. I have potential to be put on a high risk adoption list if we ever decide to do that. My life on many days feels like it is filled to the brim with numbers, statistics, and risk calculations. There's a big risk that I will need to get a full hysterectomy very soon. There is the risk that if I choose to have that surgery now for my health, my husband (or even I) could regret and/or resent it later. It's too risky to make an incision to farm and freeze some of my eggs. Every new pill, shot, capsule gives me the risk of busting one of my many scars AGAIN and giving me internal bleeding AGAIN and making me have ANOTHER minor surgery to fix it up. There is a risk that all of this is for nothing and I may never bear my own children and I may never be healthy again. There is a risk that all of this will trigger my bi-polar disorder in difficult ways that make it hard to control. There is a risk that I will look back and think I made the wrong choices. There is also that chance that anything could happen so it's difficult to believe the statistics every time. Sometimes my gut can see the risks long before the doctors and doctors and doctors see it.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wish You Were Here
Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage?
How, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after Year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
I had the last paragraph (the chorus) tattooed on my leg on the year anniversary of EB's death. It was a song he had sung many times and we had listened to together over and over again. It perfectly encompassed the way I was feeling, and still feel, about his passing. TB and I have been so lost since his death, we go over the memories and places that were important but none of them have the spark they used to without EB. These lyrics are also for my baby. While I don't have the personal connection with this song and the baby that that I do with EB and the song, it again is the way I feel we have been since those huge losses that May five years ago. When I look at those lyrics or hear that song, I feel that they frame my new life after loss so well.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Happy Mother's Day
I spent another Mother's Day without my baby. I spent another year alone. There was no scribbled card or sweet gift, there was no tiny smile or breakfast in bed for me. I did not get anything the other mothers get because I have no one to give me anything. A sad little pang hits me in the morning or when I see the cards at the grocery store for 'The Best Mom.'
You know what I did do on Mother's Day though? Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning. I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together. I called my MIL and gave her my love. We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken. We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game. I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB. I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do. And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life. I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing. I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere. Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom. I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have. Freedom. No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them. No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me.
I hate the bittersweet days. I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days. Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to. The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.
But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all. I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss. I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger. Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere. Just maybe.
You know what I did do on Mother's Day though? Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning. I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together. I called my MIL and gave her my love. We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken. We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game. I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB. I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do. And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life. I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing. I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere. Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom. I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have. Freedom. No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them. No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me.
I hate the bittersweet days. I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days. Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to. The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.
But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all. I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss. I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger. Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere. Just maybe.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Black Days
"Fell On Black Days"
Soundgarden
Soundgarden
Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days
Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate
So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days
Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate
So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate
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