Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wish You Were Here
Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage?
How, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after Year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
I had the last paragraph (the chorus) tattooed on my leg on the year anniversary of EB's death. It was a song he had sung many times and we had listened to together over and over again. It perfectly encompassed the way I was feeling, and still feel, about his passing. TB and I have been so lost since his death, we go over the memories and places that were important but none of them have the spark they used to without EB. These lyrics are also for my baby. While I don't have the personal connection with this song and the baby that that I do with EB and the song, it again is the way I feel we have been since those huge losses that May five years ago. When I look at those lyrics or hear that song, I feel that they frame my new life after loss so well.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Happy Mother's Day
I spent another Mother's Day without my baby. I spent another year alone. There was no scribbled card or sweet gift, there was no tiny smile or breakfast in bed for me. I did not get anything the other mothers get because I have no one to give me anything. A sad little pang hits me in the morning or when I see the cards at the grocery store for 'The Best Mom.'
You know what I did do on Mother's Day though? Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning. I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together. I called my MIL and gave her my love. We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken. We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game. I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB. I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do. And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life. I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing. I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere. Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom. I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have. Freedom. No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them. No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me.
I hate the bittersweet days. I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days. Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to. The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.
But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all. I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss. I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger. Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere. Just maybe.
You know what I did do on Mother's Day though? Spent a fun night playing games with friends on Saturday that stretched into Sunday morning. I made breakfast for my husband and ate at the table together. I called my MIL and gave her my love. We went to my mom's house to give her our gifts and have a simple and relaxing day with watermelon and friend chicken. We got to sit around with my parents, my brothers and my soon to be SIL and catch up or comment on the basketball game. I was able to come home and spend the evening laying around and watching the SVU marathon with TB. I walked into an apt that was quiet and cool and dark and lay in my bed and do nothing because that is what I wanted to do. And I was able to because I am not in charge of someone else's life. I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I was not awake with a sick child all night, no one complained when we stayed up too late laughing. I don't walk into the pressure cooker of children's toys and gadgets and baby stuff everywhere. Not having the blinding light and overwhelming heat of never being done taking care of a little person gives me freedom. I want more than anything to hold my child but on days like that, days when I can do what I want and come and go as I please I focus on the fact that I have something more traditional mothers don't always have. Freedom. No one depends on me to feed, clothe, bathe and entertain them. No one runs to me in tears or screams at the top of their lungs for me.
I hate the bittersweet days. I hate the bittersweet days more than the bad days. Bad days let me release some of what is inside, they let go of some things I hold on to. The bittersweet days are the worst because I waffle between the sad and happy thoughts, I try to focus on the good parts but slip back into the bad.
But, when the bittersweet is over and the calm comes back I think back to when there weren't bittersweet days, when there wasn't any sweet at all. I think about the steps it took to get to a place where I can see the good in the bad and see the other side to my loss. I think about those things and I smile just slightly because maybe I'm not so damaged after all, maybe I AM getting a little better and a little stronger. Even though it feels soooo slow, I think I am getting somewhere. Just maybe.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Black Days
"Fell On Black Days"
Soundgarden
Soundgarden
Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days
Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate
So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days
Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate
So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
5/8
I don't know my anniversary or my grandmother's bday but May 8th is a day that I can't forget. Each moment of that day five years ago is burned into my memory. Coming home to see TB and RM with their heads hanging low, sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home. Falling back against the door frame and standing there with my mouth open, unable to ask all the questions that sprang into my head. Hearing them tell me again that EB was gone. Listening to the slow words as they left their mouths and the scared look in their eyes because they knew which words were coming next. The shake in TB's voice as he tried to choke out how he spent agonizing hours home alone with the information, unwilling to call me at work. That sound haunts me. Eventually we went to EB's mom's house to visit with her and see what we could do. She handed over a list of names and phone numbers scratched in his handwriting and asked me to tell his friends. We all stood around, his mom, his dad, his step-mom and his sister, there with me, TB and RM; each of us staring at the carpet and lifting our heads briefly to meet an uncomfortable gaze of another. That night we told our friends one by one and then I started on his list. Only first names were listed and I had no clue who I was talking to most of the time. The calls crossed Texas and more called in, having heard from others. I gave out instructions, guidance, information and condolences. We were all hurting. We were all missing him. TB drifted off from exhaustion that night while tears dripped down his sleeping face. I went out on to our balcony after I knew he was asleep and called my mom. I just needed to talk to someone, I needed to hear her tell me it was ok since I had said that to so many others that day. After we hung up I sat out there for hours rubbing my small pregnant belly and crying. When the sky turned pink with dawn, it all seemed so surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe that he isn't here. It has been a very long five years. I honestly didn't know if I would survive without him, he was my best friend and a piece of my soul. I still feel a hole inside. I still feel fucked up.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Its easy to judge
Its easy for you to look at me and say I don't understand. Its easy for you to say I've never cared for a child so I don't know. Its easy for you to point fingers and tell me what you would do. Its always easy to make a hypothetical decision when you know you don't have to make it in your actual life. 'Oh, well I would never be able to...blah blah blah' 'Well if I were in that situation I would just.....whatever.' I am working through this one emotion at a time, its not a quick fix.
When I tell you I am not planning to have kids (because you are a stranger and its easier than telling you the WHOLE ENTIRE story) its really easy to say that I'm lucky, crazy or that I will change my mind. When I give a less definite answer like 'we aren't thinking about that right now' or 'we haven't made any decisions yet' its rude to comment about how I must not want kids because I'd rather go out and 'party.' It's easy for you to think that I just wanna go get drunk and stay out all night instead of have a child because I'm young. You don't know anything about me.
Its very easy for you to say that adoption is 'the best option' for us because you aren't hurting from the loss of your child. You can tell me how easy it is to decide to go through that when you haven't looked into the time/money/stress/anxiety that goes into waiting for someone to deem you fit enough to have a child. The idea of replacing my baby with another still hurts right now, let me deal with it before you push me along to the next step.
Asking if I am 'still grieving' BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD is just rude. It's easy to say five years is enough time to get over it but you are not me and do not know how I am dealing with things. I am doing my best here. To be real honest, I may never stop and that's just fine.
'You're lucky you can't have kids' is never ok. For any reason. Finishing the sentence with 'mine drive me crazy' is not helpful.
Telling me my life is relaxing because we don't have kids is also not ok. You may have children and I am SURE that is draining but I have doctor's appointments, meds, unanswered questions and years (if not a lifetime) of struggles with my health and whether or not I will get another chance. It is definitely not the same but it is certainly not relaxing. Saying that you 'wish you had my life' isn't much better.
Your 'helpful suggestions' may mean well but you are not listening to the way they come out of your mouth. 'Can't you just adopt someone else's kid?' 'You can always have another baby.' 'Now you have a lot of information about what not to do when you get pregnant again.' 'That doctor doesn't seem to know what he's doing.' 'You're lucky you didn't have to raise a baby at your age.' 'If you hadn't gotten pregnant before you were married it would have been ok.' 'You better not tell (someone who is pregnant) you'll scare them.'
Think about the things you are going to say, sometimes they don't need to be said. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. It may be easy for you to judge me but I am not judging you. Stop it.
When I tell you I am not planning to have kids (because you are a stranger and its easier than telling you the WHOLE ENTIRE story) its really easy to say that I'm lucky, crazy or that I will change my mind. When I give a less definite answer like 'we aren't thinking about that right now' or 'we haven't made any decisions yet' its rude to comment about how I must not want kids because I'd rather go out and 'party.' It's easy for you to think that I just wanna go get drunk and stay out all night instead of have a child because I'm young. You don't know anything about me.
Its very easy for you to say that adoption is 'the best option' for us because you aren't hurting from the loss of your child. You can tell me how easy it is to decide to go through that when you haven't looked into the time/money/stress/anxiety that goes into waiting for someone to deem you fit enough to have a child. The idea of replacing my baby with another still hurts right now, let me deal with it before you push me along to the next step.
Asking if I am 'still grieving' BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD is just rude. It's easy to say five years is enough time to get over it but you are not me and do not know how I am dealing with things. I am doing my best here. To be real honest, I may never stop and that's just fine.
'You're lucky you can't have kids' is never ok. For any reason. Finishing the sentence with 'mine drive me crazy' is not helpful.
Telling me my life is relaxing because we don't have kids is also not ok. You may have children and I am SURE that is draining but I have doctor's appointments, meds, unanswered questions and years (if not a lifetime) of struggles with my health and whether or not I will get another chance. It is definitely not the same but it is certainly not relaxing. Saying that you 'wish you had my life' isn't much better.
Your 'helpful suggestions' may mean well but you are not listening to the way they come out of your mouth. 'Can't you just adopt someone else's kid?' 'You can always have another baby.' 'Now you have a lot of information about what not to do when you get pregnant again.' 'That doctor doesn't seem to know what he's doing.' 'You're lucky you didn't have to raise a baby at your age.' 'If you hadn't gotten pregnant before you were married it would have been ok.' 'You better not tell (someone who is pregnant) you'll scare them.'
Think about the things you are going to say, sometimes they don't need to be said. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. It may be easy for you to judge me but I am not judging you. Stop it.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Together
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)
Together
Thursday night is Game Night and I look forward to it like its a holiday. Each week I wake up thinking I get to see some of my best friends tonight, just get through a few more hours of work, do the dishes because the guys are coming over. RM and JH have been close friends with us for 7 or 8 years now, we have been through a lot together and supported one another through it all. We tell stupid jokes and rag on each other and compete hardcore at whatever we are playing that night. Heckling is highly encouraged. We spend hours laughing and giggling over cards, board games, dominoes and beers. Thursdays are the highlight of my week. I feel so full when I lay down after those nights, all my batteries have been recharged. JG comes over most nights and having another girl there makes it fun, occasionally someone else comes by or somebody has to work but just knowing that I get to see them each week makes me smile. These guys are my family, sometimes better than actual family. I'm a lucky lady to have them. Nothing is better than seeing RM walk through the door with a hug and container full of cookie dough for me. Seeing JH's shoes tucked under the coffee table when we leave for work Friday morning because he stayed over makes me smile.
We sit on the balcony in the breeze while the guys smoke and we tell stories about when EB was still alive and HIS game night antics, munch on whatever dessert RM brought to share and try to decide who is making the beer run. Political discussions, childhood memories, stupid mistakes, bad ex girlfriends, how much we miss EB and our crazy parents are always brought up among the stories we tell and retell and then tell again. It doesn't hurt that I usually win whichever game we're playing. ')
Together
Thursday night is Game Night and I look forward to it like its a holiday. Each week I wake up thinking I get to see some of my best friends tonight, just get through a few more hours of work, do the dishes because the guys are coming over. RM and JH have been close friends with us for 7 or 8 years now, we have been through a lot together and supported one another through it all. We tell stupid jokes and rag on each other and compete hardcore at whatever we are playing that night. Heckling is highly encouraged. We spend hours laughing and giggling over cards, board games, dominoes and beers. Thursdays are the highlight of my week. I feel so full when I lay down after those nights, all my batteries have been recharged. JG comes over most nights and having another girl there makes it fun, occasionally someone else comes by or somebody has to work but just knowing that I get to see them each week makes me smile. These guys are my family, sometimes better than actual family. I'm a lucky lady to have them. Nothing is better than seeing RM walk through the door with a hug and container full of cookie dough for me. Seeing JH's shoes tucked under the coffee table when we leave for work Friday morning because he stayed over makes me smile.
We sit on the balcony in the breeze while the guys smoke and we tell stories about when EB was still alive and HIS game night antics, munch on whatever dessert RM brought to share and try to decide who is making the beer run. Political discussions, childhood memories, stupid mistakes, bad ex girlfriends, how much we miss EB and our crazy parents are always brought up among the stories we tell and retell and then tell again. It doesn't hurt that I usually win whichever game we're playing. ')
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Damn Lucky -also I ramble
You know those overbearing, nosy, rude, stereotypical mother in laws that are always on TV and movies (like Monster in Law or Everybody Loves Raymond)? Well folks, I am so lucky that mine is the opposite of those fictional ladies in every way. We spent this weekend celebrating a friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend and some friends.
-I have to take a second and explain the odd family dynamics of that party so you get whats going on. TB met AF at work 7 or 8 years ago when he was a full fledged member of the Starbucks Cult and we all became good friends. Knowing AF, we soon got to know his dad TF and as he's into the same music and sports and frequented the same bars we went to we got to be very good friends with TF. AF was MIA for a couple of years and is now back full force. While he was gone we spent a lot of time with his dad and found out he was getting separated, I thought he'd be great for my MIL and so we got them together so they could become friends. We invited her to watch the games and see the bands with us that she already liked so they had a good time hanging out with us. (TF tells us with love sick grin that they met watching game six of the NBA championship last year, obviously the same day they won the title.) They hit it off and started texting and hanging out and several months later they have plans to move in together when his lease is up. -aaawwwwwwww
TF and AB are dating, TB and I are married, AF and CS are dating, TF is AF's dad, AB is TB's mom. To complicate things a little more TF is very good friends with me and TB, AF is good friends with me and TB also and CS is one of our tenants at work. phew.
Soooo, TB and I went to The Man Cave -aka TF's place- for AF's bday to celebrate with the above mentioned people. It was a blast, too much fun to even describe here.
But, my original point, my MIL is awesome. She is sweet and fun to hang out with I am comfortable when its just us or the whole family. She is always there with helpful advice but has never ever given it to me unless I asked for it. She is just a wonderful person. At the party this weekend CS commented that she thought it was sweet that I call her Mom. She really is my mother, I'm just lucky enough to have two. It got me thinking however, about the day we told her I was pregnant. Now if you don't remember, we were engaged but not married yet and it was a big big surprise so we were nervous to let the parents know because we were still pretty young at 20 and 21. She was surprised but very supportive and excited. I can remember as we were walking down the path to leave later that night I gave her a big hug and told her thank you using her name. She put her hands on my small belly and said, ' Well you might as well call me Mom. You know, if you want to.' Teary and with a big grin I hugged my new Mom again and I've called her that ever since.
-I have to take a second and explain the odd family dynamics of that party so you get whats going on. TB met AF at work 7 or 8 years ago when he was a full fledged member of the Starbucks Cult and we all became good friends. Knowing AF, we soon got to know his dad TF and as he's into the same music and sports and frequented the same bars we went to we got to be very good friends with TF. AF was MIA for a couple of years and is now back full force. While he was gone we spent a lot of time with his dad and found out he was getting separated, I thought he'd be great for my MIL and so we got them together so they could become friends. We invited her to watch the games and see the bands with us that she already liked so they had a good time hanging out with us. (TF tells us with love sick grin that they met watching game six of the NBA championship last year, obviously the same day they won the title.) They hit it off and started texting and hanging out and several months later they have plans to move in together when his lease is up. -aaawwwwwwww
TF and AB are dating, TB and I are married, AF and CS are dating, TF is AF's dad, AB is TB's mom. To complicate things a little more TF is very good friends with me and TB, AF is good friends with me and TB also and CS is one of our tenants at work. phew.
Soooo, TB and I went to The Man Cave -aka TF's place- for AF's bday to celebrate with the above mentioned people. It was a blast, too much fun to even describe here.
But, my original point, my MIL is awesome. She is sweet and fun to hang out with I am comfortable when its just us or the whole family. She is always there with helpful advice but has never ever given it to me unless I asked for it. She is just a wonderful person. At the party this weekend CS commented that she thought it was sweet that I call her Mom. She really is my mother, I'm just lucky enough to have two. It got me thinking however, about the day we told her I was pregnant. Now if you don't remember, we were engaged but not married yet and it was a big big surprise so we were nervous to let the parents know because we were still pretty young at 20 and 21. She was surprised but very supportive and excited. I can remember as we were walking down the path to leave later that night I gave her a big hug and told her thank you using her name. She put her hands on my small belly and said, ' Well you might as well call me Mom. You know, if you want to.' Teary and with a big grin I hugged my new Mom again and I've called her that ever since.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Deafening Silence
I read a very honest post today from Me and Mine that although was about a pretty difficult topic, gave me some joy. Pregnancy hormones can do so many things to your body, you just don't even know. Allison, the woman who writes at Me and Mine, went through antepartum depression while she was pregnant. It is similar to postpartum but (as I'm sure you can guess) happens before you are separated from your child -i e during the pregnancy. Her post is raw and honest and moved me, but her message is what stuck with me the most. She urged anyone who felt not quite right or knew someone who may be going through something similar to talk about it openly. Be honest and let others know how you feel. Be there for someone who may not know how to bring it up. That hiss in your head that tells you to keep it quiet, don't let anyone know, can be SO LOUD sometimes.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault. Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days. Some days it is just there. I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too. No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic. By the way did I mention my baby died?' Yea, no one wants to be that person.
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences. This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong. When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in. After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in. The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me. I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing. People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it. That was really great. You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.
Be open and honest with people around you. Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems. Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.
I still feel ashamed to talk about my miscarriage sometimes because something whispers lies to me telling me its my fault. Something in my brain overcomes the logical part of me that knows those things aren't true but there is just no stopping it some days. Some days it is just there. I have struggled with bi polar disorder in my life and that shame can be there too. No one wants to bring down the conversation with 'Oh hey, I'm clinically psychotic. By the way did I mention my baby died?' Yea, no one wants to be that person.
Starting this blog was a BIG GIANT GIANT step for me to let some of that shame and guilt go from my miscarriage experiences. This gave me a place to safely put my thoughts and let things out without having to look someone in the face and try to be strong. When I saw how healing that was I reached out to a group of close friends and people I could trust and let a few people in. After that I challenged myself to six months of hard work to get past some of my issues and I brought even more people in. The first step in my challenge was to post on my facebook about my blog, holy crap was that scary for me. I got SO MANY positive comments though it was really amazing. People e mailed me to say how they enjoyed my blog and shared how they connected with it. That was really great. You don't even want to know how many anxiety pills it took to stop my panic attack so I could write that post on facebook though.
Be open and honest with people around you. Don't feel ashamed or alone about your problems. Be there for a friend when they don't know what to do.
PT Update
I got some pretty awesome news yesterday when I went in for Physical Therapy, good news is not something I'm used to so I was pretty excited.
I started going to physical therapy several months ago to combat some shooting pains in my legs and arms and the constant pain and ache I was feeling in my legs and hips. My doctor prescribed PT for me after looking at my MRI and x ray results and finding that I have 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs that were the cause of most of my pain. I started going twice a week and then moved to once a week and yesterday they said they want me to start coming in every 10 days. Yay! I'm excited that they feel like I'm getting better, and while I'm definitely not 100% I can tell the pain is lessening and feels different. When the therapist screened me yesterday she said I was in good shape, that's the first time that happened so far. I am excited to think that I could really be getting better and dealing with the pain.
I started going to physical therapy several months ago to combat some shooting pains in my legs and arms and the constant pain and ache I was feeling in my legs and hips. My doctor prescribed PT for me after looking at my MRI and x ray results and finding that I have 2 bulging discs and 2 deteriorated discs that were the cause of most of my pain. I started going twice a week and then moved to once a week and yesterday they said they want me to start coming in every 10 days. Yay! I'm excited that they feel like I'm getting better, and while I'm definitely not 100% I can tell the pain is lessening and feels different. When the therapist screened me yesterday she said I was in good shape, that's the first time that happened so far. I am excited to think that I could really be getting better and dealing with the pain.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Light
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)
Light
Light is something I am not. I am not happy or sunny or optimistic, I am round and heavy, and I don't do subtle well. I sometimes forget that others don't know that about me yet when I meet new people, hence the crazy situation with some friends of ours lately. Long story short, my body language and lack of subtlety led to a situation that got misconstrued and I could have prevented the whole thing with a light touch. I'd rather be wearing black and in high school I was one of the goth kids. I still am waaay into horror movies, Halloween decorating and zombie invasion escape plans. Light has never been my thing. The bathroom scale would agree. I've put on a lot of weight from my medical crap and since my restrictions still keep me from most exercise I just can't get rid of that. So for now I'm pretty heavy, hopefully we can change that. I'd just like to be a little healthier, the size isn't the issue for me really. I constantly expect the worst things to happen and my OCD brain gets overactive and plans for every feasible terrible thing that could ever happen. Good side, this means that when little stuff happens I'm pretty relieved that the crazy in my head was not real, bad side however is that I do this about EVERYTHING so there is always a lot on my mind. That probably explains some of my insomnia..... also headaches.... also therapist visits..... hmmm maybe I'm rambling now....
Light
Light is something I am not. I am not happy or sunny or optimistic, I am round and heavy, and I don't do subtle well. I sometimes forget that others don't know that about me yet when I meet new people, hence the crazy situation with some friends of ours lately. Long story short, my body language and lack of subtlety led to a situation that got misconstrued and I could have prevented the whole thing with a light touch. I'd rather be wearing black and in high school I was one of the goth kids. I still am waaay into horror movies, Halloween decorating and zombie invasion escape plans. Light has never been my thing. The bathroom scale would agree. I've put on a lot of weight from my medical crap and since my restrictions still keep me from most exercise I just can't get rid of that. So for now I'm pretty heavy, hopefully we can change that. I'd just like to be a little healthier, the size isn't the issue for me really. I constantly expect the worst things to happen and my OCD brain gets overactive and plans for every feasible terrible thing that could ever happen. Good side, this means that when little stuff happens I'm pretty relieved that the crazy in my head was not real, bad side however is that I do this about EVERYTHING so there is always a lot on my mind. That probably explains some of my insomnia..... also headaches.... also therapist visits..... hmmm maybe I'm rambling now....
Monday, April 2, 2012
Give and Take
All relationships are a system of give and take, I really believe that when you step back and look at the transactions you've had with a person you should be able to see a balance. Everyone needs to take more than they give sometimes and everyone gives more than they take at times. That's just how life goes, sometimes you need to ask for a little more. Last post I talked about all the things my job gave me, since my grandmother BC started the company, gave me the job and trained me she essentially gave me all of those things too. There are a lot of give and take situations when it comes to BC, we spend a lot of time together for work, we spend time together as family and just enjoy one another. The push and pull in our relationship is obvious. Well its been a giving year so far for me in that relationship, she has given me a lot over the years in my job and otherwise and I have given back to her by being there when she needs support through her tough medical times. (every day work stuff cancels each other out so I don't count that) She had another set back and is back in the hospital again today unfortunately. I just can't get these grandmas well!
My great grandmother, EE, has moved from the nursing home where she was getting mild therapy to an in patient rehab facility that is giving her standard physical therapy. So she is doing better, not great, but is still locked up. Just as she is starting to have some real improvement, BC gets a serious asthma attack and pneumonia and goes to the hospital late last night. As soon as one gets a little better the other gets worst. So we've had another day of shuffling around to get BC's work covered in the office and another day of visiting ladies in the hospital/rehab center. Unfortunately it looks like BC needs a few days of care and they are in two different cities. I know it really breaks her spirit to be back there and when I see either of them I just want to hug them a thousand times.
I'm starting to feel a little paranoid though. This is the first year in the last five years that I am actually feeling a little bit better. I am working really hard on my physical therapy and trying to change the things I can to make my back/legs better and just when I am getting some relief everyone else around me goes down. So far this year my uncle had a heat attack, my grandfather had another stroke, BC has been in and out with back fractures, cancer scares and now this, EE had an awful stroke, my brother thinks he has another staff infection which is what led to his kidney failure last time. Man, it has been hectic. Is this some weird reverse karma thing where everyone who helps me gets sick or hurt? What is going on lately? I'm finally kinda ok and everyone else is having issues. Maybe everyone saw that I have a little less stress lately and thought they'd fix that.
Take your vitamins and get checked by your doctor if you've been nice to me in the past half decade because apparently that makes you a target.
My great grandmother, EE, has moved from the nursing home where she was getting mild therapy to an in patient rehab facility that is giving her standard physical therapy. So she is doing better, not great, but is still locked up. Just as she is starting to have some real improvement, BC gets a serious asthma attack and pneumonia and goes to the hospital late last night. As soon as one gets a little better the other gets worst. So we've had another day of shuffling around to get BC's work covered in the office and another day of visiting ladies in the hospital/rehab center. Unfortunately it looks like BC needs a few days of care and they are in two different cities. I know it really breaks her spirit to be back there and when I see either of them I just want to hug them a thousand times.
I'm starting to feel a little paranoid though. This is the first year in the last five years that I am actually feeling a little bit better. I am working really hard on my physical therapy and trying to change the things I can to make my back/legs better and just when I am getting some relief everyone else around me goes down. So far this year my uncle had a heat attack, my grandfather had another stroke, BC has been in and out with back fractures, cancer scares and now this, EE had an awful stroke, my brother thinks he has another staff infection which is what led to his kidney failure last time. Man, it has been hectic. Is this some weird reverse karma thing where everyone who helps me gets sick or hurt? What is going on lately? I'm finally kinda ok and everyone else is having issues. Maybe everyone saw that I have a little less stress lately and thought they'd fix that.
Take your vitamins and get checked by your doctor if you've been nice to me in the past half decade because apparently that makes you a target.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Gift
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)
Gift
Gifts come in many different forms, I try really really hard to make my obstacles into gifts. Some days this is nearly impossible but trying does make me look at the situation a little differently and can usually give me a different perspective about what is going on.
My family makes me nuts, they are loud and crazy and opinionated and so am I. This makes working with them difficult some days because we all feel so strongly about whatever position it is we are debating that it can turn a meeting into an all day discussion. But, I have the gift of a family business to work in. I have a place where I came to run errands for my grandmother, that turned into being her assistant, that gave me a part time desk job, that led to the realization that I was good at the accounting and collection that needed to be done, this gave me the chance to work as a bookkeeper and office manager in the office full time and a part owner of the company. I got a great gift. This also gave me the chance to work every day with my aunt, my uncle and my grandmother which has just nourished each of those relationships and made me closer with each of them. I have the gift that I will not be laid off or let go unexpectedly because of downsizing, as long as I keep working hard and putting everything I have into the company, it will be here for me. That is a great gift, the idea that I have a stable job and we have a good business is very comforting when others don't always have that. I have the gift of being able to support my family and do something I enjoy (most of the time). I can see what comes out of my hard work when the company grows and we retain clients. I have the gift that my husband has a place to learn to be a realtor and learn from our experience so he can grow a career that he enjoys. That gave us the gift that we no longer have opposite hours, now we drive to work in the same car and sit across the office from each other. I have been given a lot of wonderful things from this business and I am very grateful. I want to spend this year working on giving back by doing everything to make it better. Fixing my mistakes and working on my flaws while utilizing the skills I have and learning new ones.
The hardest thing to consider a gift is my pain. That is one that I almost never look at as a gift. I hurt and ache all day every day. Some days and hours are better than others but every day I have pain that changes the way I do things. It sucks. But you know, this pain has given me the gift to see the loving sides of my friends and family. There is not a person in my life that has not brought me groceries or cooked us dinner, sat with me after surgeries and procedures, called to see how I was feeling, volunteering to do my dishes or clean up the house, covering my work or scheduling things so they worked best for me. I could go on forever but I'm almost out of time. I have seen the very best in the people that I love because my pain has made them want to help me when I needed it. Even when I didn't want to ask. I have definitely been given a lot.
Gift
Gifts come in many different forms, I try really really hard to make my obstacles into gifts. Some days this is nearly impossible but trying does make me look at the situation a little differently and can usually give me a different perspective about what is going on.
My family makes me nuts, they are loud and crazy and opinionated and so am I. This makes working with them difficult some days because we all feel so strongly about whatever position it is we are debating that it can turn a meeting into an all day discussion. But, I have the gift of a family business to work in. I have a place where I came to run errands for my grandmother, that turned into being her assistant, that gave me a part time desk job, that led to the realization that I was good at the accounting and collection that needed to be done, this gave me the chance to work as a bookkeeper and office manager in the office full time and a part owner of the company. I got a great gift. This also gave me the chance to work every day with my aunt, my uncle and my grandmother which has just nourished each of those relationships and made me closer with each of them. I have the gift that I will not be laid off or let go unexpectedly because of downsizing, as long as I keep working hard and putting everything I have into the company, it will be here for me. That is a great gift, the idea that I have a stable job and we have a good business is very comforting when others don't always have that. I have the gift of being able to support my family and do something I enjoy (most of the time). I can see what comes out of my hard work when the company grows and we retain clients. I have the gift that my husband has a place to learn to be a realtor and learn from our experience so he can grow a career that he enjoys. That gave us the gift that we no longer have opposite hours, now we drive to work in the same car and sit across the office from each other. I have been given a lot of wonderful things from this business and I am very grateful. I want to spend this year working on giving back by doing everything to make it better. Fixing my mistakes and working on my flaws while utilizing the skills I have and learning new ones.
The hardest thing to consider a gift is my pain. That is one that I almost never look at as a gift. I hurt and ache all day every day. Some days and hours are better than others but every day I have pain that changes the way I do things. It sucks. But you know, this pain has given me the gift to see the loving sides of my friends and family. There is not a person in my life that has not brought me groceries or cooked us dinner, sat with me after surgeries and procedures, called to see how I was feeling, volunteering to do my dishes or clean up the house, covering my work or scheduling things so they worked best for me. I could go on forever but I'm almost out of time. I have seen the very best in the people that I love because my pain has made them want to help me when I needed it. Even when I didn't want to ask. I have definitely been given a lot.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Loud
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. You can then link to her page and share your post with others that are writing on the same topic. =)
Loud
I am small but loud. I come from loud, I create loud and I just can't help it. I laugh loudly and tell loud stories about how we were being loud that one time. I am loud happy and loud mad, I am loud when I'm not either one. Not everyone else enjoys it or understands it, but there's not a lot I can do. My parents are loud, my grandparents are loud and most other family members, also loud. I usually describe my family as passionate when asked, good or bad they are passionate about whatever is going on at the moment. A lot of time passion comes out loudly and abruptly. Sometimes I forget about this and that other families are nice and quiet, I forget not everyone makes as much noise as we do. My husband asks me constantly why I am so loud, making so many noises and exclamations. I like loud music and loud TV. I like the loud noises of game night or the band we like, I like the loud laughter that is always at my parents house and the loud work that is always at my job (which also involves my family). I live in loud every single day. I enjoy it, I can't help it. Loud debates about random preferences and opinions are a must with friends. Loud conversations about movies, books and music can last hours. My cats are loud. I am surrounded by loud. I do really like my quiet apartment after a long day though.
Loud
I am small but loud. I come from loud, I create loud and I just can't help it. I laugh loudly and tell loud stories about how we were being loud that one time. I am loud happy and loud mad, I am loud when I'm not either one. Not everyone else enjoys it or understands it, but there's not a lot I can do. My parents are loud, my grandparents are loud and most other family members, also loud. I usually describe my family as passionate when asked, good or bad they are passionate about whatever is going on at the moment. A lot of time passion comes out loudly and abruptly. Sometimes I forget about this and that other families are nice and quiet, I forget not everyone makes as much noise as we do. My husband asks me constantly why I am so loud, making so many noises and exclamations. I like loud music and loud TV. I like the loud noises of game night or the band we like, I like the loud laughter that is always at my parents house and the loud work that is always at my job (which also involves my family). I live in loud every single day. I enjoy it, I can't help it. Loud debates about random preferences and opinions are a must with friends. Loud conversations about movies, books and music can last hours. My cats are loud. I am surrounded by loud. I do really like my quiet apartment after a long day though.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Where are my rights?
I read this article recently and although I do not agree with everything she has to say, it makes a lot of good points that highlight women's issues when it comes to reproduction. I am soo sick of hearing candidates and politicians sound off about various sexual and reproductive rights. It just makes my blood boil to hear the bills that are trying to be passed in some states that require a woman to carry a fetus until it is naturally passed from the body, no matter what. This means that if a fetus dies in the womb a woman must carry around a dead child in her body, a constant reminder of her loss and suffering, a potential medical risk, until the body passes it out. Some bodies don't. Some poor woman could be stuck her whole life with this baby in her, potentially? That just makes me sad. At that point, there is no moral issue that I can see. I get it if you don't want to give people the option to abort because a fetus is a life, I don't necessarily agree but I get that is what you are going for, but once that life is gone what is that point? Fetal cells decay quickly and can become very dangerous to a woman. I can tell you firsthand that the pain and repercussions of those decaying cells can be excruciating. I did not have any extraction procedures and passed my child naturally, the cells left in my uterus dug into the wall linings and produced a very harmful bacteria that has left me scarred and in bad health. My uterus never contracted enough to shrink back to the size its supposed to be so it has helped me gain weight and is putting pressure on my other organs. It has depleted an already messed up immune system and caused soooo many other things that I'm not even going to list. Not to mention the side effects from the meds and procedures I have had since to try and get healthy.
I just don't get what it accomplishes to make a woman continue to carry a fetus that has already died.
I do not understand how a government can try to force a woman to die for her child either. If a pregnancy or an unborn child is specifically life threatening to a woman it should be between her and her doctor. If it is a situation where you can save the baby or the mother, the government should really not be involved. You should not be able to force someone to die for somebody else, that should be your choice.
To be honest, I think the whole controversy with the insurance/contraceptives thing is pretty dumb. If you work for a religiously affiliated institution that does not agree with contraceptives you should probably expect that they won't pay for yours. If your job has nothing to do with religion then their decision should not be based on that person's specific beliefs. I still don't think you have a RIGHT to those contraceptives though. It is wrong for one man in a business to choose not to provide insurance coverage for contraceptives because of his personal beliefs. Insurance companies do not hand out condoms to men so women cannot really expect them to throw free birth control pills their way. I do think there is a middle area as in most issues. If you have a medical need for them then maybe there should be an option for some insurance coverage but it becomes hard to define NEED so I see how that wouldn't be very practical. My doctor requires me to be on the pill because it is potentially life threatening for me to get pregnant right at this time. This is also the best way to get the estrogen and other hormones I need to heal my organs. My doctor deems it is something I need but I could also get these benefits from other things if I had to so that NEED line is blurry. If you choose to use contraceptives then you choose to pay for them. Can't afford them? Don't have sex then. I do believe that prescriptions of all kinds, including birth control, should be more available and lower in price.
It is only a small sect, but it is also wrong to fire a woman because you found out she was using contraceptives, that does not effect her job unless she's getting busy at work and in that case she deserves to get fired.
I just don't get what it accomplishes to make a woman continue to carry a fetus that has already died.
I do not understand how a government can try to force a woman to die for her child either. If a pregnancy or an unborn child is specifically life threatening to a woman it should be between her and her doctor. If it is a situation where you can save the baby or the mother, the government should really not be involved. You should not be able to force someone to die for somebody else, that should be your choice.
To be honest, I think the whole controversy with the insurance/contraceptives thing is pretty dumb. If you work for a religiously affiliated institution that does not agree with contraceptives you should probably expect that they won't pay for yours. If your job has nothing to do with religion then their decision should not be based on that person's specific beliefs. I still don't think you have a RIGHT to those contraceptives though. It is wrong for one man in a business to choose not to provide insurance coverage for contraceptives because of his personal beliefs. Insurance companies do not hand out condoms to men so women cannot really expect them to throw free birth control pills their way. I do think there is a middle area as in most issues. If you have a medical need for them then maybe there should be an option for some insurance coverage but it becomes hard to define NEED so I see how that wouldn't be very practical. My doctor requires me to be on the pill because it is potentially life threatening for me to get pregnant right at this time. This is also the best way to get the estrogen and other hormones I need to heal my organs. My doctor deems it is something I need but I could also get these benefits from other things if I had to so that NEED line is blurry. If you choose to use contraceptives then you choose to pay for them. Can't afford them? Don't have sex then. I do believe that prescriptions of all kinds, including birth control, should be more available and lower in price.
It is only a small sect, but it is also wrong to fire a woman because you found out she was using contraceptives, that does not effect her job unless she's getting busy at work and in that case she deserves to get fired.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Brave
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Brave
Brave makes me think about my family right now. My great grandma EE is still recovering from her stroke and we are all working hard to help and support her. Considering she had the worst kind of stroke you can have and she is 94 she is doing just amazingly well. Considering she is the toughest lady I know and can't use her hand, face or leg and now needs help with everything she isn't doing that great. She looks so miserable laying in bed at the nursing home we had to put her in. She is upset that she was sent there and unhappy that she can't move around and do what she wants. See, she lives alone in her 2 story house and does everything for herself and now all of that has changed. I would be unhappy too. Apparently my grandmother BC (EE's daughter) promised EE she would never put her in a retirement home. I am trying to tell her its only temporary, she is only there because she is not ready for a rehab facility yet, they can take the best care of her and start some very light physical therapy until she is ready. She is still unhappy though. She is a very brave woman. She has been through the death of her husband, all of her siblings and one of her daughters. She still sends a birthday card to each and every person she has ever known and her very large extended family. She makes quilts and afghans and rugs and works hard to stay in touch with everyone by spending hours on the phone. She is a brave brave woman to move through the life she has had so far. Yesterday, while she was telling me about dating my late great grandpa and how he used to take her dancing I couldn't help but tear up. She still loves him so much after all the years it has been, it must really hurt not to have him each day.
I have not even said anything about my brave grandma BC who is spending all day by her mother's side to feed and help her. BC, by the way, just learned how to walk again after being in the hospital for months with 3 fractures in her back. I come from a line of brave, tough, feisty women. I'm pretty proud of them.
Brave
Brave makes me think about my family right now. My great grandma EE is still recovering from her stroke and we are all working hard to help and support her. Considering she had the worst kind of stroke you can have and she is 94 she is doing just amazingly well. Considering she is the toughest lady I know and can't use her hand, face or leg and now needs help with everything she isn't doing that great. She looks so miserable laying in bed at the nursing home we had to put her in. She is upset that she was sent there and unhappy that she can't move around and do what she wants. See, she lives alone in her 2 story house and does everything for herself and now all of that has changed. I would be unhappy too. Apparently my grandmother BC (EE's daughter) promised EE she would never put her in a retirement home. I am trying to tell her its only temporary, she is only there because she is not ready for a rehab facility yet, they can take the best care of her and start some very light physical therapy until she is ready. She is still unhappy though. She is a very brave woman. She has been through the death of her husband, all of her siblings and one of her daughters. She still sends a birthday card to each and every person she has ever known and her very large extended family. She makes quilts and afghans and rugs and works hard to stay in touch with everyone by spending hours on the phone. She is a brave brave woman to move through the life she has had so far. Yesterday, while she was telling me about dating my late great grandpa and how he used to take her dancing I couldn't help but tear up. She still loves him so much after all the years it has been, it must really hurt not to have him each day.
I have not even said anything about my brave grandma BC who is spending all day by her mother's side to feed and help her. BC, by the way, just learned how to walk again after being in the hospital for months with 3 fractures in her back. I come from a line of brave, tough, feisty women. I'm pretty proud of them.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
My Marriage
You guys, marriage is hard hard work. Sometimes its just hard.
Lately everything seems hard and my marriage falls into that category unwillingly. TB and I have been together 8 years. That's a big chunk of my lifetime so far. We've been married 3 1/2 of those years and let me tell you that there is no 'honeymoon phase' over here. We never got that chance. I don't think there ever was. I lost the baby as we were planning the wedding and the medical ramifications immediately hit my body. I gained A LOT of weight that I had no control over, I got very tired and had pains I didn't understand. I was grieving when I took my husband's name and so was he. We were in a spiral of dark circumstances that had nothing to do with our core relationship but effected everything about it. Years later when I notice that his ring is worn or I lost our marriage certificate (whoops) I think that not a lot has changed. We have certainly worked hard at the grief and the coming years of pain and doctors but we still have a ton of crap thrown at us each and every day that other people have no clue about. Some couples married much longer than us have not been through half of what we have been through in our very short marriage. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to be able to work together against the hard times and not instinctively close up. Somehow the thing I wasn't ready for about marriage was being completely open to another person. I have always been honest and up front but it is a WHOLE other monster to be 100% open with another person. It was hard to let him see me cry, whine and yell when I didn't understand my body or my loss. It was also hard to see him handle things differently than I do. I didn't know how to be there for him because I was so unfamiliar with the territory.
I found a really good man though. He has done a lot for me. He puts up with a lot too. The grief I still haven't worked through. The mounting bills that we have to somehow tackle. The days when my bi polar disorder sneaks in and makes me irrational. Crazy family members. Bad days. Bad attitudes. Angry rants. Ill timed surgeries and trips to the pharmacy. Law suits with my doctors. Endless appointments he has to work around -we only have one car. Through all of those things he still lets me deal with things my own way, no matter what that means for him. When I am too sad to move he gently lifts me up and makes me smile no matter how late he is for whatever he has to do. TB works hard to do the little things that sit on my brain and make my anxiety shoot through the roof. Not once has he ever said no when I have woken him at 3 in the morning to ask if he will rub my throbbing legs. When I know his day has been long he will still drive to get whatever I am craving for dinner when I JUST CAN'T find the energy to cook dinner even though I promised him. He sneaks out of bed on the weekends to let me sleep in and closes the door so the cats won't jump on me, I will find him sitting right next to the TV with it so low its not even a whisper so he doesn't wake me up. He will get out of a perfectly warm bed to make me pancakes and worries that they are 'done right.' If I fall asleep across the bed he will sleep on the couch because I 'just looked so peaceful.'
TB may have a thousand faults, as we all do, and some days I can see every one of them. He is bad with money, bad under pressure and so clueless that its hilarious sometimes. He really really loves me though and when it is important he quietly does whatever he thinks I need. Stuffed animals dance and he makes bad jokes until I laugh with him. I really lucked into a good one. Oh and he has taught me patience and helped me curb many many of my not so nice tendencies. We are nowhere near perfect apart and definitely not perfect together but we fit. Sometimes the truth is ugly and boys are gross and life is tough to get through. I am ultimately a lucky woman to have this man in my corner, even if some days he's the one I'm fighting with. He lets me be me. That is more important than doing the dishes.
Lately everything seems hard and my marriage falls into that category unwillingly. TB and I have been together 8 years. That's a big chunk of my lifetime so far. We've been married 3 1/2 of those years and let me tell you that there is no 'honeymoon phase' over here. We never got that chance. I don't think there ever was. I lost the baby as we were planning the wedding and the medical ramifications immediately hit my body. I gained A LOT of weight that I had no control over, I got very tired and had pains I didn't understand. I was grieving when I took my husband's name and so was he. We were in a spiral of dark circumstances that had nothing to do with our core relationship but effected everything about it. Years later when I notice that his ring is worn or I lost our marriage certificate (whoops) I think that not a lot has changed. We have certainly worked hard at the grief and the coming years of pain and doctors but we still have a ton of crap thrown at us each and every day that other people have no clue about. Some couples married much longer than us have not been through half of what we have been through in our very short marriage. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to be able to work together against the hard times and not instinctively close up. Somehow the thing I wasn't ready for about marriage was being completely open to another person. I have always been honest and up front but it is a WHOLE other monster to be 100% open with another person. It was hard to let him see me cry, whine and yell when I didn't understand my body or my loss. It was also hard to see him handle things differently than I do. I didn't know how to be there for him because I was so unfamiliar with the territory.
I found a really good man though. He has done a lot for me. He puts up with a lot too. The grief I still haven't worked through. The mounting bills that we have to somehow tackle. The days when my bi polar disorder sneaks in and makes me irrational. Crazy family members. Bad days. Bad attitudes. Angry rants. Ill timed surgeries and trips to the pharmacy. Law suits with my doctors. Endless appointments he has to work around -we only have one car. Through all of those things he still lets me deal with things my own way, no matter what that means for him. When I am too sad to move he gently lifts me up and makes me smile no matter how late he is for whatever he has to do. TB works hard to do the little things that sit on my brain and make my anxiety shoot through the roof. Not once has he ever said no when I have woken him at 3 in the morning to ask if he will rub my throbbing legs. When I know his day has been long he will still drive to get whatever I am craving for dinner when I JUST CAN'T find the energy to cook dinner even though I promised him. He sneaks out of bed on the weekends to let me sleep in and closes the door so the cats won't jump on me, I will find him sitting right next to the TV with it so low its not even a whisper so he doesn't wake me up. He will get out of a perfectly warm bed to make me pancakes and worries that they are 'done right.' If I fall asleep across the bed he will sleep on the couch because I 'just looked so peaceful.'
TB may have a thousand faults, as we all do, and some days I can see every one of them. He is bad with money, bad under pressure and so clueless that its hilarious sometimes. He really really loves me though and when it is important he quietly does whatever he thinks I need. Stuffed animals dance and he makes bad jokes until I laugh with him. I really lucked into a good one. Oh and he has taught me patience and helped me curb many many of my not so nice tendencies. We are nowhere near perfect apart and definitely not perfect together but we fit. Sometimes the truth is ugly and boys are gross and life is tough to get through. I am ultimately a lucky woman to have this man in my corner, even if some days he's the one I'm fighting with. He lets me be me. That is more important than doing the dishes.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
YAY!!!
A quick congrats to one of my biggest supporters, CZ, who in addition to being generally awesome is now officially a freelance designer. YAY! Good for you and congratulations CZ!
Also, hockey for her belated birthday today, so two for one.
Also, hockey for her belated birthday today, so two for one.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Five Minute Friday-Empty
I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Empty
Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty. Its not my baby's room. Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child. The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them. I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are. That can make things seem pretty empty some days. These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true. It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently. What I could have done to save my child. That's where it gets bad. I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to. A doubt to sneak in on. Those days are the hardest. I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out. Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good. Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out. On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it. I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking. I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.
Empty
Sometimes I feel like my guest room is empty. Its not my baby's room. Sometimes I feel like my life is empty when I catch that ghost child out of the corner of my eye or when I hear other ladies talk about how wonderful it feels to be a mother and spend time with their child. The photos and the stories make me ache just a little even through all of the happiness I feel for them. I hope no one is ever where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be reminded that I am not where they are. That can make things seem pretty empty some days. These days bring bad thoughts and lies whispered in my ear I JUST KNOW aren't true. It makes me feel haunted, followed by my mistakes and what possible things I could have done differently. What I could have done to save my child. That's where it gets bad. I start to rationalize all of those things in my head that aren't true and give them a place to cling to. A doubt to sneak in on. Those days are the hardest. I wonder around feeling full of guilt and anxious to push it out. Those days I fight the hardest to get past the bad thoughts and into the good. Those days I find anything that I can to distract myself and fill myself with good things that push the awful out. On days like that I am thankful for Game Night and good friends that bring cheesecake and hug me when they know I need it. I am thankful for a husband that lets me come home and crawl into bed while he silently takes care of everything we need without asking. I am very lucky for the people in my life every day, but on those days I wonder if/how I would get through without them.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Waiting Waiting
I feel so hazy today. My mind is somewhere else completely. My grandmother, BC, (the one I work with) has been in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months because she has 3 fractures in her back and because of a very long and complicated history I will not bore you with it took a while to find/treat/get her back to any sort of shape to be at home. Well her mother EE has been down here the last month and a half to take care of her. EE is 94. -I think its kinda cute that no matter how old they are her mom still has to rush down from Utah to take care of her daughter
Well BC is finally back home and with physical therapy and some restrictions (we took her keys) she is improving slowly. Thankfully things are healing and she is getting some mobility back (she wasn't 100% to begin with so its hard to gauge where she is exactly)
EE lives by herself in Utah and still sews quilts, crochets blankets and weaves rugs. She pays her own bills and schedules rides to her doctor appointments. Really the only issues she has is that she is starting to lose her sight and she cannot drive. She is healthy, spunky and tells you exactly what is on her mind. She was a 'wild girl in her day' because she insisted on going to college. She does a lot for her church and pushes us to as well and has a lot of friends that come to see her. She is buying endless presents for her great granddaughters that live near her and is always telling stories of her life. I love to pour over old photos with her and ask about relatives and places and things that happened because she has a very clear memory of it all and usually a goofy story to go with it.
EE had a stroke yesterday afternoon. In the 28 years that I have been alive she hasn't even been sick before, that I can remember. It is really hard to see her feeling helpless. The left side of her body did not work at all yesterday, today she is making progress. Her toes and fingers move and she can mostly squeeze your hand. Her mouth and face do not work well on the left but she is not slurring her speech anymore. The doctors thought she was delusional when she was giving orders to my mom and aunt out of the corner of her mouth from the hospital bed when she was talking about her Southwest ticket and eye appointment. We all knew that she was telling us to push her trip back to Salt Lake to Monday instead of Sunday so she could get the shot in her eye that helps her see. (if getting a needle to the eye once a month doesn't make you strong I don't know what does)
Today I got to see her twice and though she is looking much much better and all of the doctors and nurses keep telling us how AMAZED they are at her progress, I can't look at my sweet great grandma without getting tears in my eyes. Its just such a change. Its one of those things that is so large that you can actually feel the world twist to put you on a new path and in a new direction. My poor, crazy, cranky, goofy old grandma is the strongest person I have ever known. My mom always says the ladies on that side of the family are strong because we have great genes from EE and her mother MF. They started a long line of crazy, stubborn, fun loving women. I'm lucky to be one of them (even if my mom also jokes that my genes are more diluted than hers lol)
I have to say that tonight when we picked up BC, seeing my brother CG so upset was almost the hardest part. CG hates hospitals, and almost refuses to talk about anyone he loves that is sick or hurt. He just likes to avoid it, doesn't want to think about it. He was watching through the window while the nurse did strength exercises with EE and to see him tear up made me want to just hug him so badly. -He's not really a huggy person and we don't really have that kind of relationship so I let him sweet fiance comfort him.
I did have to smirk at the similarities when both he and I started to cry a little and when his fiance and my husband moved to comfort us we both turned the other direction said that we're 'fine' and wiped our eyes while the others watched on.
Now we are just waiting to see what the doctors say and what the outcome will be. She has a large blood clot in her neck and the meds she is on to fix it are dangerous and if they don't work she'll have to have surgery. Not good. We're just waiting to see what will happens. If anyone can get through this its her.
Well BC is finally back home and with physical therapy and some restrictions (we took her keys) she is improving slowly. Thankfully things are healing and she is getting some mobility back (she wasn't 100% to begin with so its hard to gauge where she is exactly)
EE lives by herself in Utah and still sews quilts, crochets blankets and weaves rugs. She pays her own bills and schedules rides to her doctor appointments. Really the only issues she has is that she is starting to lose her sight and she cannot drive. She is healthy, spunky and tells you exactly what is on her mind. She was a 'wild girl in her day' because she insisted on going to college. She does a lot for her church and pushes us to as well and has a lot of friends that come to see her. She is buying endless presents for her great granddaughters that live near her and is always telling stories of her life. I love to pour over old photos with her and ask about relatives and places and things that happened because she has a very clear memory of it all and usually a goofy story to go with it.
EE had a stroke yesterday afternoon. In the 28 years that I have been alive she hasn't even been sick before, that I can remember. It is really hard to see her feeling helpless. The left side of her body did not work at all yesterday, today she is making progress. Her toes and fingers move and she can mostly squeeze your hand. Her mouth and face do not work well on the left but she is not slurring her speech anymore. The doctors thought she was delusional when she was giving orders to my mom and aunt out of the corner of her mouth from the hospital bed when she was talking about her Southwest ticket and eye appointment. We all knew that she was telling us to push her trip back to Salt Lake to Monday instead of Sunday so she could get the shot in her eye that helps her see. (if getting a needle to the eye once a month doesn't make you strong I don't know what does)
Today I got to see her twice and though she is looking much much better and all of the doctors and nurses keep telling us how AMAZED they are at her progress, I can't look at my sweet great grandma without getting tears in my eyes. Its just such a change. Its one of those things that is so large that you can actually feel the world twist to put you on a new path and in a new direction. My poor, crazy, cranky, goofy old grandma is the strongest person I have ever known. My mom always says the ladies on that side of the family are strong because we have great genes from EE and her mother MF. They started a long line of crazy, stubborn, fun loving women. I'm lucky to be one of them (even if my mom also jokes that my genes are more diluted than hers lol)
I have to say that tonight when we picked up BC, seeing my brother CG so upset was almost the hardest part. CG hates hospitals, and almost refuses to talk about anyone he loves that is sick or hurt. He just likes to avoid it, doesn't want to think about it. He was watching through the window while the nurse did strength exercises with EE and to see him tear up made me want to just hug him so badly. -He's not really a huggy person and we don't really have that kind of relationship so I let him sweet fiance comfort him.
I did have to smirk at the similarities when both he and I started to cry a little and when his fiance and my husband moved to comfort us we both turned the other direction said that we're 'fine' and wiped our eyes while the others watched on.
Now we are just waiting to see what the doctors say and what the outcome will be. She has a large blood clot in her neck and the meds she is on to fix it are dangerous and if they don't work she'll have to have surgery. Not good. We're just waiting to see what will happens. If anyone can get through this its her.
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