Its easy to judge

Its easy for you to look at me and say I don't understand.  Its easy for you to say I've never cared for a child so I don't know.  Its easy for you to point fingers and tell me what you would do.  Its always easy to make a hypothetical decision when you know you don't have to make it in your actual life.  'Oh, well I would never be able to...blah blah blah'  'Well if I were in that situation I would just.....whatever.'  I am working through this one emotion at a time, its not a quick fix.

When I tell you I am not planning to have kids (because you are a stranger and its easier than telling you the WHOLE ENTIRE story) its really easy to say that I'm lucky, crazy or that I will change my mind.  When I give a less definite answer like 'we aren't thinking about that right now' or 'we haven't made any decisions yet' its rude to comment about how I must not want kids because I'd rather go out and 'party.'  It's easy for you to think that I just wanna go get drunk and stay out all night instead of have a child because I'm young.  You don't know anything about me.

Its very easy for you to say that adoption is 'the best option' for us because you aren't hurting from the loss of your child.  You can tell me how easy it is to decide to go through that when you haven't looked into the time/money/stress/anxiety that goes into waiting for someone to deem you fit enough to have a child.  The idea of replacing my baby with another still hurts right now, let me deal with it before you push me along to the next step.

Asking if I am 'still grieving' BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD is just rude.  It's easy to say five years is enough time to get over it but you are not me and do not know how I am dealing with things.  I am doing my best here.  To be real honest, I may never stop and that's just fine. 

'You're lucky you can't have kids' is never ok.  For any reason.  Finishing the sentence with 'mine drive me crazy' is not helpful.

Telling me my life is relaxing because we don't have kids is also not ok.  You may have children and I am SURE that is draining but I have doctor's appointments, meds, unanswered questions and years (if not a lifetime) of struggles with my health and whether or not I will get another chance.  It is definitely not the same but it is certainly not relaxing.  Saying that you 'wish you had my life' isn't much better.

Your 'helpful suggestions' may mean well but you are not listening to the way they come out of your mouth. 'Can't you just adopt someone else's kid?' 'You can always have another baby.' 'Now you have a lot of information about what not to do when you get pregnant again.' 'That doctor doesn't seem to know what he's doing.' 'You're lucky you didn't have to raise a baby at your age.' 'If you hadn't gotten pregnant before you were married it would have been ok.' 'You better not tell (someone who is pregnant) you'll scare them.'

Think about the things you are going to say, sometimes they don't need to be said.  Sometimes you don't have to say anything.  It may be easy for you to judge me but I am not judging you.  Stop it.