The dog ate my homework again?

This is a continuing theme from http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-questions-my-dog-ate-them.html  although I suppose I cannot say that the non-existent dog ate someone's children.  That's just wrong.  What happened?  Well life happened, and I also chickened out.  As I have told you, I had a procedure on Friday that lasted the weekend.  I also had a painful steroid shot yesterday and still feel crappy.  I had steroid treatments and giant horse pills the weeks leading up the procedure and took on the tasks of deep cleaning my house and helping my lovely MIL AB pack and clean in order to move this last weekend.

So I've been stressed, feeling badly and overwhelmed.  Also, I chickened out.  I decided that asking someone if I could babysit their kids so I could get over my mental insecurities just sounded too weird to say out loud to people who would be trusting their offspring to me.  Yea.  So I didn't do it.  I will however, find an equally important task to complete by the end of this month and my evaluation.  Oops.

If you have any suggestions please let me know cause as of this moment I am blank.  Thanks guys.

Step 6

Babysit someone's kid or kids.

Its here.

So today I have another medical trial where I take the experimental drugs they give me and have contractions all weekend.  I cannot be alone for more than a moment because they are so strong and dangerous and you know, experimental.  If something does happen to me and I go to the ER I'm supposed to call my Dr right away because the EMTs won't even know what I have taken or what is going on.  Wow.  Mwc guinea pig.  So I am incredibly nervous and I want things to go well the first time.  Did I mention that there might be a second round on Monday?  No?  Oh well, there might be a second round on Monday.  If this doesn't work the first time I have to get another pill (that is not in the trial and I have to pay an exorbanent amount for) and do it all over again.  Yea, nervous.  I will be in intense pain every few minutes until Sunday night and I can't have anything other than ibuprofen for it.  I will also be exhausted and irritated most of the rest of the time simply because I am essentially going through labor and not getting a child at the end of the weekend.  FOR THE SECOND TIME.  Yea, I have done this once before so I know whats coming.  I also have to take my temperature every 2 hours which makes sleeping very difficult.  We have to set an alarm to go off every 2 hours and my insomnia does not like that.  I wake up for 3 minutes to take my temp, write it down, then cannot sleep for another hour, wake back up very soon and it just keeps going. 

I have to say though that this really reminds me that I have to be the luckiest lady ever because I have such great support.  My mom SG is coming over Sat morning to sit with me and babysit while TB helps his mom move into her new place.  Then KA is coming over in the afternoon to relieve her and the wonderful CZ will be there in the evening.  CZ will be back on Sunday while TB has an appointment and my grandparents LG and RGS will be there too.  HB is bringing me her amazing curry caserole that I cannot wait for and RBL is bringing dinner over as well.  I am so grateful to have such a wonderful team of people around me.  JBU has already called to try and keep me calm and I know that LG bought new candles to light for me.  My dad RG will be crossing his fingers with everybody else.  LG and SG mentioned they might bring some food too and SG said she plans on bringing posters to color and markers and apparently CZ has a 'bag of random fun' lol.  I have to be the luckiest lady alive.
I hope I deserve all the great people in my life because they certainly deserve someone awesome.  And my sweet husband TB has had such a hard time dealing with all of this but he still managed to stay in on St Patrick's Day while I was at the hockey game to clean the house, wash the sheets and get things ready for today.  He is also depositing our checks and grocery shopping today before my trial and making some food so my babysitters and I have plenty while he isn't there.  It has been hard seeing him so upset and I really want this to work for him almost more than for myself.

So here goes nothing, the countdown has started and at 3p this afternoon I will be with my doc (that flew in from TN btw) getting the run down of my possible side effects.  Monday I will get tests and biopsies and sonograms and x rays and they will figure out if it worked so keep all of your fingers crossed this weekend.  I'll need them. 
Oh why x rays you ask?  Didn't I tell you?  My doc also thinks there is something wrong with my spine so they are doing x rays to figure out if I have some nerve damage on Monday.  Yay.

If I close my eyes, maybe it won't see me

So... I'm feeling very nervous about Friday so instead of dealing with it head on I am pretending it isn't happening and focusing on the fact that I get to go to the Blackhawks v Stars game tonight with my awesome dad that invited me.  He got tickets from his mom for his bday and is taking me with yay.  I love love love hockey and get extra excited to go to an actual Stars game because they are such a blast.  It is also a ton of fun because my dad is from Chicago and loves the Blackhawks so its fun to tease him since they always seem to lose when we go together.  Since I am a Stars fan first I cheer for them but Hawks come in second for me so no matter how the game turns out it is always fun.  Hockey games are really the only thing him and I do together so its a nice treat when we do it.  Plus he didn't take his mom who gave him the tickets, his wife or father, or either of his sons, he wants to take me and it makes me feel good.  -Seeking my father's approval because I never got it as a child you say?  No no couldn't be.

We have never had the traditional father-daughter relationship, we haven't really gotten along most of our lives and most of our interactions when I lived at home were screaming fights.  You could say I inherited his explosive anger.  I have to say though, I am amazed how good things are between us now.  He drank heavily for a long time and being the oldest child and my father's daughter I felt the need to protect the rest of the family so I jumped in the middle of my parents' fights and constantly challenged him in every way possible.  I spent a lot of time being angry at the the things he did and said.  He stopped drinking and started an AA program about a month before I moved out, I haven't really lived with him sober and I think that is why it took me much longer than the others to come around once he was.  He said something to me however, after I moved out that will forever stick in my head and something I will always cherish especially because I am finding that it is rare.  He told me that he knew I was angry and he did a lot of hurt me and our family and that he wanted us to have a good relationship and knew it would take giving me some space to work on my anger over everything.  He told me to take as long as I needed and not to feel forced into a happy relationship that wasn't there yet and that he would be there for me when I was ready to let him in again.  The fact that he recognized what I was going through and wanted to give me the time and space to work it out means the absolute world to me.  And you know, that is exactly what happened.  He did not force hugs, conversations or family gatherings and let me deal with things and move back into our relationship slowly.  I have to say now that he and I still clash and think very differently so we fight sometimes and I really don't think I could ever live with him again but our relationship is pretty great.  We talk and laugh and joke around when we see each other, we have a special silly kind of humor that has always been a part of our interactions.  We talk about sports and watched the Stanley Cup Championship games together.  (The championship games were about the time he started calling me his 3rd son since I am the only kid who wants to watch sports with him.  I keep telling him since I am the oldest I am the 1st son, which inevitably makes my mom yell from the other room that I am her only daughter and he can"t take that away so don't call me a son.  lol)  I am truly grateful for the gift he gave me when he gave me the time to move past his indiscretions as well as my own.

-Speaking of hockey, he just text me to trash talk about the game tonight lol-

I really love my dad and am so excited for tonight and overall excited that things seem to get better and better between us.

Where did this begin?

I was thinking the other day about how much I have enjoyed putting my feelings out there with this blog and was remembering some of the reasons I started it.  The biggest reason was really to train my brain and get it in good shape for when we want to try for kids in a while but there were other small reasons.  And the tipping point, the reason that really made me decide yes let's do it, its a pretty dumb reason but I thought I would reflect.  I was watching Friends last night and Ross was trying to convince Chandler to get on their alumni web page and chat and he says, "Great, a faster way to tell people I am unemployed and childless."  It may be stupid but that comment is really what made me think, you know, this is a good idea just do it mwc.  I know it is a tv show but if you look at tv there are a lot of characters that seem to have reproductive issues, you may say its more dramatic and that we have moved away from the Leave it to Beaver type of family on tv but I really think that it has a lot to do with art imitating life.  I think this is more prominent on tv because people are having more trouble in life.  Think about it and name some characters that have had trouble, there are quite a few.

Cross all of your fingers for me

Everyone cross all your fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes and everything else you can think of that my medical trial goes well on Friday.  If it doesn't I have to do it again immediately and 6 days of contractions does not sound like something I want to do.  Thanks.

Getting Nervous

Getting pretty nervous about my med trial on Friday.  Not looking forward to the 3 days of contractions and terrible I went through last time.

I am however, excited about seeing the Stars vs the Blackhawks with my awesome dad on Thursday!  Woo Go Stars!

Did I get my wish?

This week I have been sick with a terrible sinus infection that left me feeling just awful and I spent part of Tuesday and all of Wednesday home sick from work.  While I was home my sweet cats curled up with me and loved on me trying to make me feel better.  The smallest one, Persephone, was actually very angry that I got up and went to work today.
At one point on Wednesday Seph curled up on my chest and fell asleep so sweetly that I spent 20 minutes just looking at how cute she was.  (yes, I AM one of those people obsessed with her cats)  While she was asleep I started to think a very odd thought, what if I already got my wish?  What if I already have a baby?  What if I found my daughter and she's just not a human?  I'm either very crazy or pretty brilliant because this thought gave me some comfort.  What if I don't have to worry about getting a baby because I already have one?  What if a human baby would just be a great bonus?  Yup, sounds crazy to me too but it helps.

My cat Persephone possesses many traits and qualities from my husband and I and acts a lot like us, sometimes I imagine if I had a rowdy little girl she would be just like Seph is.  So, if she has our traits, loves us and we love her, we take care of her and bring each other joy, don't I already have a daughter?  She is one of those cats that never seems to leave the kitten stage so she still very much acts like a baby would.  She wakes me up in the morning when she wants attention and can tell when I don't feel well.  When TB tells the cat (yes, TELLS the cat) "You must have learned that from your mother,"  it makes me kinda happy and always makes me laugh.  When I see her sleeping the same way I do or telling on one of her siblings I wonder if I already have three great furry children and if maybe this isn't just how its supposed to be. 

Maybe fate doesn't have a baby in store for me, but maybe screw fate cause I already have one.

My questions? My dog ate them?

So I'm pretty bad and I'm almost behind on my challenge again.  I will do my best to finish my questions for TB tonight and stay on deadline but it is hard!!  I still have to finish cleaning my house, budget for the next week, make dinner and rest so I can get over the end of my massive sinus infection.  Ugh.
I've been sick so I feel less guilty than I should cause that's not a good excuse.  I need to get going and finish them tonight.

-It doesn't help that cleaning my craft room has uncovered 200000000000000 projects that I want to/need to work on and finish.  Oh man. 

Step 5

Make a list of questions for my husband.

Good news you say?

So, now that I have come to terms with the fact that the doctor has good news for me, I can finally talk about what it is.  Well as you know, I had to have a small surgery last week to fix one of my tubes.
......

Looking back to double check that I had shared that incident with my blog, it seems I haven't.  Here's a quick overview of what has happened.

I had to have mini surgery last Wednesday because one of my fallopian tubes was bleeding.  It wasn't punctured, which is good, but one of my scars ripped open and it was bleeding some.  My doc flew in from Tenn. to do the quick surgery and perform 80,000 tests to see what happened and why.  He told me that if they could not figure out why it started to bleed I could not to the medical trial I am scheduled for later this month.  That would suck because then they would have only 3 months to come up with a WHOLE NEW TRIAL IDEA and test it out and get it to work on me.  (if you are confused, my doctors told me in Dec that I had 6 months before my muscles started to atrophy and quit moving forever, causing me then to have a hysterectomy)  So we were anxious to know what was going on.  The surgery was easy, I did it before work one day and he said it was the same thing as putting a camera in your stomach to burn an ulcer closed, mine just wasn't an ulcer.

Ok, let's try this again. 
So I got good news, it turns out that my tube started to bleed last week because my muscles are trying to move!!!!  So they are finally doing what we want them to do.  Sort of.  It seems that the scar was torn because my muscles were twitching instead of contracting like we want.

Yes yes, my uterus was twitching.  I heard it, I know its crazy but it is unfortunately true.

We figured out why I started to bleed and I can continue with my trial this month.  Yay!  -wait, did I just cheer because I get to have 3 days worth of pain and suffering?  Wow, I need to get this medical stuff over with I am getting crazy guys.

I'm sorry, I am not familar with that term...

Ggg go gooo gooo d gooo d good news?  Excuse me Doc, I seem to be hallucinating.  Its bad news right?  Something crazy that has never been seen before has happened again right?  No?  No?  You have gooood news for me?  You mean bad right?  NO?  No its good news you say?  Hmm... I'm not really sure what to say to that.  It seems I am unable to process that right now, just write it down and I'll deal with it later.

Interogation tactics

Each month when I evaluate I tell myself I want to blog a little more and get a little more out but each day when I decide to sit down and do it three new projects fall in my lap.  Seeing that I don't have a computer at home I have to find time during my work hours to blog and there just isn't a lot of wiggle room there.  So again, its been 4-5 days with no posts and I can't seem to remember what I wanted to say yesterday, today so then I just lose patience.


Enough of that.

My next challenge goal is to make a list of questions for my husband by the 10th, which is a week from today.  Because I think my TB deserves a little privacy I don't think I will list my questions on this blog.  I think I will make a regular paper list and just use that for our discussion.  Some of our questions will probably be personal and I think he may not want all of that broadcasted, especially since he doesn't read this and has a wild imagination and who knows what he'll think I put up if he knows I put SOMETHING up here.  Gotta love my husband but he sure is crazy.  I have been thinking a lot about the best way to discuss our questions for each other when we get to that point though, I think I may express that part here.  Should one person get it all out?  Should we match up similar questions and address those together at once?  Should we switch off and each throw out one question then answer another?  Would it be best to treat this as a conversation or a q & a?  What would work for us?  Difficult stuff if I over think and over analyze it into a million damn pieces and stress myself about what we are doing and why and what it will accomplish.

And on that subject, loving my husband that is, things seem to be going pretty well lately.  Since being required to hold my hand any time I was standing, walking or moving when the ice storm hit us, he has enjoyed holding my hand since the temp rose.  He holds my hand to the car each night after we lock up the office and gives me a big grin and tells me, 'You know, I like holding your hand when you're not threatening to fall down.'  I'm telling you word for word he says that every day and I can even tell you which sidewalk square he grabs my hand at and which one he turns to me to say that on as well.  He is definitely predictable.  But its really sweet.  Sometimes I think he forgets marriage can be fun and not all hard terrible awful work and sacrifice.  So we've been working on being nicer to one another and it has been good.
I'm sure it seems odd to TRY to be nice to your significant other but once you are together for years, live together, and/or get married, sometimes you take it for granted and get too comfortable.  Making an effort to be nice makes things a little easier when life is not nice.  It has also helped immensely that we are on similar schedules now and we get to see each other a lot so there is not guilt or requirement on our choices about our time.  Learning to be your own person but take in account that your life directly affects someone's else CONSTANTLY can be hard.  Seeing a pin hole of light at the end of my LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG medical tunnel we've been going through is helpful as well.  I seem to be getting better overall (even if it minute and oh so slow) less shots, less meds and less pain is helping us both.

I guess I'm feeling pretty positive today.

Month 2 down-4 to go

Evaluate.

Evaluation time again.

Ok, so last time I decided I wanted to focus on some more good things, I think I am doing that more but it could be better.

I wanted to blog more, maybe I am a little more but I really should step it up.

I was a little off on my dates this month, whoops, so I am going to MAKE the time instead of find the time so get this done.  After all mwc, it is important for your overall health.  And blogging is fun.

My thoughts on the last month would be, I think this is getting easier.  That surprises me because it hasn't really been that long.  I think I should ponder that thought a little and work on why....  more to come.

Also, this month more than most months reminds me that I have truly wonderful friends and family members who love and support me.  I am so very grateful to have them around.  =)

Also also, I really want some more feedback from the people reading my blog, I would love to hear some of the things you have to say or any questions you have.  I would also like some votes on my polls, not sure what to do about them yet.

I almost peed my pants.

So this is a couple of days late because I wanted the time to put into words all the swirly thoughts I was having about the wonderfulness of the giant news I got on Wed.  My good friend JBU is pregnant!  I am so excited for her.  She is one of the (unfortunately several) friends of mine who has dealt with reproductive issues.  Without going through her bidniss and giving away all her secrets, I can just tell you she has been through A LOT.  This is also the friend that is perpetually sick and/or hurt and ALWAYS the -1% of people who have a crazy side effect.  Yea, so she has been through a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT.  I have spent many hours near tears listening to her worry and fret (for good reasons) that she may never get to have a child, something she has always wanted.  Commiserating with each other is a large part of our visits when we get together because its easy to talk to someone who has been through it all like you have.  I am just so thrilled for her news.  This great great freaking great news led to 3 very distinct and surprising reactions at my house.

After I got off of the phone with her I told my hubby, TB, and jumped around excited and chattering at him for a little while.  When I calmed down he turned to me and said, 'I'm so thrilled that you're so excited for her, that's great.'  And the epiphany slapped me across the face.  I AM excited for her.  That was my first and only reaction.  One of my big fears has been that I would be unable to be completely happy and supportive when my girlfriends starting having kids.  Well fear be gone because that clearly is not the case.  =)

Later in the night I couldn't stop smiling because I had another thought, she got through all of her medical drama crap and came out with a pregnancy.  If she can have so many scary moments and still get what she wants in the end maybe I can too.  Maybe my nightmare will be over someday.  Its a nice feeling when you think there might be hope.  =)

Even later on that night I could not help but notice TB was pretty upset and distant.  After asking him three times what was wrong he finally told me that JBU getting pregnant made him just a little sad.  I was shocked that I hadn't had that reaction but more shocked that he had.  He just does not express that kind of thing often.  Although he is incredible excited for JBU it just makes TB remember that we don't have our own baby here and we may not get the pleasure of being parents to be.  After he talked it out and wrote in his journal, he felt much better and was left with just the excitement.  I felt bad for my husband however, this kind of sadness when it comes to the baby just doesn't go away that quickly with him.  I think maybe because he talks about it so rarely that when he finally does it just lingers.  TB has already come around so I am not worried.

But overall, great news and excitement all the way around.  Yay JBU and BU!  yay!
-you guys should seriously consider the name liz =)

Better late than never

So I cheated a little and did the last part of my challenge on the 21st instead of the 20th, bad mwc.

Well the lovely CZ came over on Monday and we sat and talked about my list of fears and she gave me some great insights that I had not thought of, she sure is smart!  =)
It was nice to get things out and talk about them.  Maybe I can talk myself through some of my irrational crazy ramblings with a little help from her thoughts.  Love you CZ!



Also!  I wanted to say a big congrats to my friends KK and GB on their engagement.  Good for you guys, NO ONE saw this coming.  -giant dramatic eye roll  =)

Step 4

Discuss my fears with a person or group of people.

Funny how everyone else seems to know better than you do...

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-10-most-irritating-least-helpful-parenting-tips-ever-2448391/

I thought this was an interesting article, seems like having a child is an open invitation to unsolicited and inappropriate 'advice' and comments.  Enjoy.

Finally an ending

So I'm sure by now that many of you who read often are confused by the many posts that vaguely talk about privacy and ask odd questions. Between busy work, ice storms, no computer at home and overall craziness I never did get to tie up the thread I started on about sickness vs privacy.

The very basic story is this.... I work with my family. Recently my boss/grandmother called both my mom (who I do not work with so I don't know why she was involved) and my aunt to ask them what I have been eating lately because she's sure it’s nothing but junk food. I got upset when my mom told me that and I asked my aunt if she was asking questions about my diet. The short answer is yes but it semi came up in a conversation. I guess my aunt told her because she sent an e mail about how she's sorry if I'm mad but she's just worried about me.

I get her worry but my basic stand point is this.

Its none of your business what I eat. Ever.

If you really think there is a problem or reason for concern then talk to me about it instead of people who have nothing to do with my eating habits.

Even if you ask what I'm eating I don't have to tell you.


That really got me thinking about my privacy and where it ends in relation to friends, family, coworkers, and my health. I am a big girl and I like food. That's true but what I eat is my business only. What I eat may affect my health. That's true but what I eat is my business only. As long as I am not missing work or offending my coworkers they should not care. As long as I am not tanking my health and ignoring my doctors then my family should not care.


I have a lot of health problems though and I get my overprotective gene from my gma so I can def see her concern.

But, does the status of my health void my privacy?

I don't think so.

Lots of people say that privacy goes when you get older and need more help or get sick and there are more questions. But is that necessary? Do you need to ask 20 personal questions to know if I am doing better or worse? If I am taking care of myself? If I am doing something wrong?

I would like to also say that is offends me that she focuses on my eating habits like my problems are in some way my fault or fixable. Even if that is not where she is coming from that is where I go.


In the end she is just worried and curious and I love her for that. I tried to let her know that there are boundaries when it comes to my privacy but I have a feeling we will be here again in a few months.

-for the record I am not an unhealthy eater either



I would really like an idea of how other people feel.

Do you feel like you gave up your privacy because of sickness (past or present)?

Do you feel like it is someone's right to ask about your health if they are a close friend or family member?

Do you expect total disclosure from a sick person in your life?

Do you think privacy is deserved whether health is an issue or not?


I would also like some votes on my polls, I still cannot decide about my court case and I would like an impartial opinion.

Volunteers?

Looking for volunteers again.  I need to discuss with someone/people my fears from the list I posted before.  I was kinda thinking 2-3 people and just go over the points kinda quick and hear what other people think that are not inside my crazy head with me and all the voices but as many or as few who would like to help out are welcome.  I would think coffee and dessert would be provided or snacks or something like that so you would be compensated ;).

Let me know how you feel guys.  Thanks.

Step 3

Say my fears out loud to another person.

Get to the polls

I would like to see some more votes for the polls on the right side of the screen.  Let me know how you feel, I was hoping you guys could help me make my decisions somewhat.

Btw mwc is feeling much better I can bend twist and jump around so my back is feeling good.  Slightly sore now from sitting at work today (yay full day of work -not sarcastic) but otherwise feeling good.  That is all.

I am completely annoyed however, I got a subpeona to appear in court tomorrow for work.  Ugh.  More time away from work, more and more behind.

Challenge

I have to say my fears out loud to someone by the 10th of this month and I am looking for volunteers, I'd prefer not to do this with my husband since we have a seperate fear list thing later.  Hit me up if you want to help me out.  I just need to say them out loud, not discuss them yet so I would think 10 mins of me gabbing then coffee (or slurpee CZ) on me.  Just let me know =)

I am batman

So my back is still killing me from when I fell on it on Tuesday.  My neck and head hurt as well.  So as my friend SB would say, I am batman.  You know, like in the rubber mask when he can't turn his head he has to turn his whole shoulders?  Yea well, thats me.  CZ would disagree and say I am Robin but that is a differnt silly conversation.

I have gotten way off track the last few days since the ice kept us out of the office one day and here only 4 hours the rest of the week.  Today there is half a foot of snow on top of the ice and somehow I am the only one who can find that ice.  Looking through my apt complex, everyone else can walk or play or even run in the snow and have a great time.  I step in the snow and my boot immediately hits the ice and I slip.  Luckily my hubby TB was holding my hand so I could keep my balance so I didn't fall AGAIN.  I look like a little old lady hunched over so I can watch where my feet are stepping and gripping tight onto TB's hand as we walk SOOOOOOO slowly to the car I think we'll never get there.  So maybe I'm and old batman.  Or batmans' grandma.  I dunno.
Yea, winter + mwc = disaster.  Trying to walk to the car yesterday afternoon TB exclaims annoyed, 'We could never live up north if you can't even walk.'  Personally I don't want to live up north, I am happy in Texas, but he is absolutely right I'd be laid up hurt every other week if I had to contend with ice and snow on a regular or semi regular basis.


I am going to take this weekend to get my thoughts in order to finish up my post about privacy/illness because I think it is important and I think I am only seeing one side of it so I would love some input if you have it.

Out into the cold, batman away!

Ice Ice Baby-Ow!

So its has been crazy icey around here and I have not been to work so I have not updated.  It doesn't help that I fell on said ice on Tuesday and hurt my back and hit my head on the curb soo... not good.  Been a  little busy complaining and being stuck in the house to blog.  More tomorrow though, I am sure of it.

Look out for the bear!

So even less time than yesterday to talk about my questions from before but I am trying my best to get something up as often as possible so I thought I'd go just a little further on some of the questions from yesterday.

Does your private life become more public when you are in bad health?
Are you obliged to reassure others of their fears regarding your health and lifestyle?
At what point are the intimate questions less for me and more for you?

I have always been the kind of person who is overly protective of my friends and family.  I wouldn't say to the point of interfering in their lives or giving unsolicited advice constantly but I would say that I worry too much, think about them too much and generally try to point out every angle of their questions or decision just so they think it through completely and make the best decision for them.  I don't really give advice without being asked unless I'm with very close friends and we know each other well enough to skip the 'do you want my opinion?' question (at least I think that) but I am the first to point out something they have overlooked or maybe not thought of.  I know that personally I like to think things through carefully and consider every avenue so I try to do the same for others.  I can see how it would be very easy for someone to get tired of my questions or concerns so I try to keep them to myself in most cases without being invited into their quest for an answer.  But that is a tough line.  At what point do you say, there is a bear behind you and you haven't noticed it cause you didn't turn around?  The bear isn't charging or snarling but maybe it looks a little hungry and you wouldn't want to see your friend as a snack.  Let the friend see the bear on their own?  Wait until that bear causes some trouble to mention it?  Or point out, hey no worries but there's a bear behind you?


(not really sure why I am thinking about bears.....)

Where is the line?

I don't have a lot of time to expand on this right now but I wanted to get it down so I can mull it over.

At what point is your health other people's business?
When does worry and concern become bothersome and intrusive?
What information is appropriate to ask or comment about?

More on this later..... feel free to leave your thoughts.

Month 1 down-5 to go

Evaluate.

Reflection...

So this first month of my challenge has gone well I think, I have the following notes however.

1. I need to blog more, instead of focusing on my challenge only I need to get my daily thoughts out.  A busy life just distracts me from how I feel, I should not skip this because its easy to skip it.
2. I need to include some brighter notes on purpose.  Thinking only of the downside and the pain is certainly a way to get it out of my head but is it really helping me the most?  I think a lighter and/or positive post sometimes would be a good addition and a nice relief from the oppressive feelings that tend to linger.
3. I'm wondering if anyone has any questions or suggestions?  Is there something you'd like to know?  Is there something you're going through that you'd like to discuss or approach?  Are you out there at all?  Let me know, leave a comment or e mail laeonis@hotmail.com and let me know how you feel, what you wanna hear or just say hello.

Yay

I feel so good when I know I am helping someone with my crazy ramblings to shout out MR I am happy to help you out =)  It is inspiring to know that something small and healing for me can be the same for you.  Love you darlin.

Pleased and Confused.

I've been so pleased with my previous list of possible children in my life that I haven't had a lot more to say.  I am happy to see all the people that may get something amazing someday.  =)

I have a lot of big decisions to make in the very near future regarding my court case and medical stuff, they're both very LONG stories and I'm not sure how much of them I am actually ALLOWED to share yet so there is some debate what to share with my blogging public.
BUT, basically they want to turn my small litigation case with a former doctor into a state court case to change some laws.  HUGE.  I'm not sure I'm for it.  I'm also not sure I'm against it.
My doctor wants to put my case in a medical journal and do a big case study.  This means more time at the doctor and more tests, no more money to spend though.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not sure I'm for it.  I'm also not sure I'm against it.  Starting a poll to get a general opinion on the subjects so look to the right hand side and vote if you could.  Thanks.

A Lighter List

I thought I would balance out my sad and depressing list from last time with a happier one.

Kids I may/will have in my life if I don't have my own.....

• nieces and nephews (if our brothers have children)
• younger cousins (I have 2 cousins still in the single digits right now)
• our friends' kids  (the ones I know already always give me a smile)
• any future friends' kids (we're still young I'll bet there will be more)
• foster children (if we decided to do that)
• kids in need (any children we volunteer with at hospitals or organizations designed for those kind of relationships)
• 2nd cousins (I haven't actually met them yet but their facebook pics are soooo cute!)
• 2nd cousins to come (we have several cousins around our age that may have children someday)
• blog kids (I follow a blog about a working mother with the most adorable children)
• random silly children we smile at in stores or restaurants (I still giggle at the toddlers that stand up in the seat and babble to you)

I think that's a pretty nice list.

List of Fears

Sorry about the delay, sick from work + no Internet at home= no blogging  =(

So here's my list of fears.....

I'm scared...

• that I'm missing something huge in my life.
• I won't be enough for TB for the rest of our lives.
• I will be too much for TB for the rest of our lives.
• TB and I will never be ok again.
• I will carry this pain with me forever.
• I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
• I'll have to rely on other people.
• I won't be able to protect another child.
• I might resent the people I love.
• I will feel lonely forever.
• TB is more hurt than he lets on.
• I can't help TB with his pain.
• I can't help my own pain.
• TB will get impatient waiting for me to be ready.
• TB will agree to children before he is ready.
• someone I don't know will ask why I don't have kids.
• I'll be rude to people who ask innocent questions.
• of a life without kids.
• of having another miscarriage.
• my body will never really heal.
• I'll never forgive myself for what happened.
• I will smother my kids and be overprotective if I do get them.
• I will never be the same person I was before.
• I cannot be fixed.
• I will never be the same person
• TB is hurting more than I know
• I am not there for TB because I am preoccupied with myself and my pain.
• I talk too much about how sad/scared/crazy I am to the few people I talk to that about.
• I'll get bitter.
• I'll react the wrong way to my close friends/family when they get children.
• I'll never have kids.
• I'll have kids and be a bad mom.
• TB isn't honest about when he wants kids.
• I don't know what I want.
• I won't ever know what I want.
• I'm too scared to make a real decision.
• I'll have another miscarriage.
• I'll get pregnant while I'm sick and have to have an abortion or something.
• I'll get pregnant while I'm sick and the baby will be effected by that.
• I'll get pregnant and it will be a threatening situation.
• We'll have to choose my life or my baby's life.
• I'll be sick forever.
• bills will keep us from doing what we want in the future.
• the law suit won't go well and we won't get any compensation.
• some stupid Dr screwed me up for the rest of my life because they didn't want to admit they were wrong.
• I'll forever be asked 'when are you gonna have kids.
• when I tell people we aren't planning on kids right now they will ask me why.
• when I tell people we aren't planning on kids right now they will do the stupid 'oh sure you will, you'll change your mind'  crap.
• my life is revolving around my problems.
• people are nervous to talk to me about baby related stuff.
• I'm too nervous to talk about baby stuff.
• I'm old and sick.
• TB will be/is overwhelmed by helping me.
• TB will realize he needs kids and I won't be able to give that to him.
• that I'm too scared to adopt.
• I'll have to explain why we didn't adopt if we don't.
• I'll feel selfish for not adopting if we don't.
• my chances will go down.
• one of these trial meds will hurt me more than I am now.
• I will have irreversible effects from meds.
• my effects will run TB off.
• my depression will never go away.
• no one will ever really understand.
• I'll never be able to make my family understand.
• I won't try to because its uncomfortable.
• I'm relying n other too much.
• I'll never be ready.
• I'll feel  guilty for taking time for myself.
• I'll feel guilty for living a nice lifestyle because I don't have kids to pay for.
• I will be weird about other people's kids.
• I'm broken.

Its always been a tough thing for me to actually say but its true.  I'm scared.

I've been sick so a little late on my list. Full update on Monday.

Step 2

Make a list of my fears.

Listing some more

I'm scared...

• that I'm missing something huge in my life.
• I won't be enough for TB for the rest of our lives.
• I will be too much for TB for the rest of our lives.
• TB and I will never be ok again.
• I will carry this pain with me forever.
• I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
• I'll have to rely on other people.
• I won't be able to protect another child.
• I might resent the people I love.
• I will feel lonely forever.
• TB is more hurt than he lets on.
• I can't help TB with his pain.
• I can't help my own pain.
• TB will get impatient waiting for me to be ready.
• TB will agree to children before he is ready.
• someone I don't know will ask why I don't have kids.
• I'll be rude to people who ask innocent questions.

I thought I'd start my list today.
I'm scared of a life without kids.
I'm scared of having another miscarriage.
I'm scared my body will never really heal.
I'm scared I'll never forgive myself for what happened.
I'm scared I will smother my kids and be overprotective if I do get them.
I'm scared I will never be the same person I was before.

>note<
Sorry about the crazy posts yesterday, APPARENTLY, I can only update my blog a text at a time and each text is a new entry soooooo yea.  craziness.

All fixed.

Working Mothers

I still haven't slept well and I still haven't started my list, looks like I'll be working on it the next couple of days.

I saw an article today on corporette.com that was about working women and their families, I was equally offended and intrigued by an article talking about working mothers.  There is a comment about how women self sabotage their careers because they are 'baby minded'  instead of 'reality minded.'  Oookkkkkkkkkkk, so we're all wrecking our futures because we're so crazy to have children?  Hmm.... I can't say I agree.  It does in the same article however, ask professional mothers to give professional women without children advice about what to plan for, what not to plan for and what benefits and working essentials are key.  There were some really great comments.

But aside from this strange article, I started to wonder how I would juggle a child and full time work if that ever happened for me.  I work in an office with only about 6 employees and while everyone else has showings, appointments and errands to run for work I am the sole office employee that stays at my desk from 9:30-5:30 every day.  Once in a while in a pinch I drive to the bank or make a personal errand twice a year but for the most part I am in the office taking care of things and getting my work done because it all is in the office, unlike some portions of other jobs.  So what would I do if my child had a sudden cold at school and I am the only one in the office?  Close the office?  Make my child wait?  Those are things I've never really thought of.  Everyone else has a legitimate reason not to be in the office full time and many work out of other spaces as well so its not as easy as asking someone to come in or change their schedule.  They have kids and appointments just like I might.  I am part owner of our business so although it is possible, it is more difficult to find something else if things did not work out with my schedule.  And I don't think I would want to leave, I love working with my family, I like my job and have relationships with all the owners and tenants we work with that would be hard to learn somewhere else and would be hard to replace here.

I always thought my mom had a great idea, she worked from home as a seamstress running her own business.  She was always at home when we came home from school, she was available if we needed her or got sick, she could work late if she needed to without problem because she could stop for dinner then continue and she had the ability to say its slow today I'm gonna watch a movie with my kids.  I don't foresee that option in my future at this job though.  So a little planning would be in order if I ever found a way to have my own child.  Just one more bittersweet part of my extensive journey.

Soooooooooo tired and unmotivated today....

I think I will put my list off until tomorrow because I did not sleep and do not feel well and cannot seem to get anything done.  In some pain today and moving forward with my lawsuit.  All clear on the western front.

Yea yea

In pain again today but I am told its 'good pain.'  Bite me.  Good pain is still pain and when I cannot concentrate at work or do the things I planned on it still hinders me.

Well I spoke to my doc and am especially mad today.  Since we have formally filed suit I can let you in on what has been going on since November.  A little background info first though.
When I was initially pregnant I went to my obgyn and  well the day my husband TB and I went together to hear a heart beat for the first time was the day she told me my fetus had died and I would have to have surgery.  We scheduled a D&C for the next day.  That night I had a natural miscarriage at home and expelled my uterine contents.  When I talked with my doctor the next day to ask about the D&C she told me that since it already happened naturally and I was so far along a D&C was not necessary.  So I didn't do it.  I was 4 1/2 months along and it is not the norm to have that procedure after a miscarriage at that late stage in a pregnancy.
When I started having pain and other complications I started seeing a specialist, Dr. Rodriguez, whom I love.  He has helped me for the past 3 years go through some tough stuff and worked hard to give me hope even when I am being cynical.  Things went from bad to worst and it took a year to find the infection I had and another year or more to kill it.  Now my uterus is 93% scar tissue from all of the damage and never fully contracted to its usual size so it is kind of like a big beach ball with no air in my body, flat and deflated.  About a year ago when we were trying to cure the infection we requested my records from the first doctor, she would never give them to us.  We finally had to subpoena them from her a few months ago and the shock I had when we finally got them you wouldn't believe.  My medical records had been forged.  To be fair, it is alleged at this time since we have only filed against them but we have an analyst who can show that it was done so I'm gonna go with forged until I am proven otherwise.  There are test results that have been changed on one report and a document stating I was choosing not to have a D&C procedure even though the doctor wanted me to and it was my name at the bottom in someone else's handwriting.  Somebody in that office forged my signature.  I sign literally a dozen letters every single day at work, I know what my signature looks like and that loopy feminine signature was not mine.  So yea, I am working on suing them for part of my medical bills and trying to get their license revoked.  A medical analyst says that if we had the correct records when we first asked for them we could have prevented up to 40% of my medical problems.  I could have been better 40% faster, I could have been in 40% less pain.  I could just kill someone for doing that to me.  My life has been upside down for 3 years and some of it could have been prevented.  Well, onward to court I suppose.

That wasn't so bad

So after all of my crazy nervous scared thoughts I posted my blog on facebook and got a couple very nice responses and then not much else.  Which is what I really wanted.  Sharing a part of myself shouldn't be a big declaration but it should be available for those who want it.  A couple of acquaintance-friends reached out and said some great things or offered some help which is wonderful.  It always feels nice to know someone is around if I need them.  Of course I did not post about it for support or compliments I just wanted to get it out and off my chest.  So now it is out in the universe of my facebook and somewhere someone might get a little help and someone might get a little laugh.  I'm sure I will get both, and that's what matters most to me.

I do have to admit that I had a small heart attack when I saw that my last posts were about feeling guilt and shame.  That's just not who I am usually and thinking some old school friends or someone I haven't been in touch with for a while saw that first was a little annoying.  I guess that's just not a very good introduction and I don't feel it fits me.

I did see that my page views quadrupled since before I posted so its nice to know some people looked. =)

Well now I am looking forward to the next step.  I'm the type of person that believes in getting the demons out of your head and letting them go so I think getting all my fears on paper will help me look at them and rationalize some of them.  Maybe when I see something written down like 'my ghost child follows me around'  I will see how delusional I am and find a way to do something about it.  (newcomers, for more info check an older post Its been too long to still be at the beginning of my journey
 about the 'ghost' that follows me around.)

I also feel like some weight has been lifted, letting the link out for my blog means it isn't a secret, means it isn't hidden anymore.  I could potentially speak to other people besides CZ and SC about it without feeling the immense need to run for my Xanez Rx.

So deep breath, big sign mwc, this was a good decision.  Onward.

Today is the day....I guess

So I was just about to type 'I have a blog' into my facebook status and I had a mini freak out.  Needed a second to procrastinate so here I am.  Deep breath mwc, you can do this.

For all of you joining me through said post (coming soon I promise) today, welcome and you might need to read a few back posts to get the gist of where I am but basically you'll get it.  This is not a blog meant for other people, meant to look on the bright side or leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.  This is about me and how I feel and how I want to feel.  Join me on my journey to through recovery and my mental health challenge.  Yikes.

Step 1

Tell people I have a blog.

The shame that consumes me

Previously, I explained some of my guilt about the miscarriage and how that is affecting my first step in my challenge and keeps me from sharing my blog with others in my life.  Well there is another part to the nagging feeling that has so far kept me from posting anything about my blog or divulging it to but a few friends and family members.  That would be my shame.  I am completely ashamed of myself for a few reasons and I think that has played a big part in my feet dragging.

I am ashamed that I could not protect my baby.
I am ashamed that I may never bear a child.
I am ashamed that I feel so emotionally fragile now.
I am ashamed that the smallest things can make me upset.
I am ashamed to be weak, soft or unstable.
I am ashamed to feel the twinge of sadness in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy.
I am ashamed that my mind thinks only of me when someone else is getting what I want.
I am ashamed that I have not gotten through this.
I am ashamed to ask others for help with a problem I feel like I should be able to handle.
I am ashamed that I am a different person now than I once was.
I am ashamed because I feel like I will never be the same again.

I have never felt ashamed for anything I have done in my life, I have always owned my mistakes and used them as tools.  Regrets mean you are not learning from your situation.  This new painful feeling is not me and it sucks.  I don't know how to get rid of it.

The guilt that consumes me

I think I will start this post and then think about it and come back to it.  So this is just the minimum information for now.  More to come most likely.

I feel incredible, unfaltering guilt because I let my child die.

There.  That right there says it all I think but, maybe a little more info might help.

Every day I walk through my life and small voices whisper to me that my baby is dead and it is my fault.  I killed him, I let him die, it is my fault.

Logically, I know this is not true I did not do anything that put my fetus in danger but, that thought is so strong I can hear it in the ac vents and on the wind at night.  Sometimes I try to rationalize my craziness and tell myself that if I had not taken on so much responsibility when E died maybe I would have been less stressed.  My overwhelming need to protect my husband TB and cushion E's family from the loss made me take on the hard tasks of telling our friends, calling his friends whom I had never met, helping with some of funeral and going to and staying late at all the family/funeral related functions those couple of weeks.  Maybe if I had been more selfish, thought more about my baby and my health, then I would have my child with me physically.  Maybe had I spent every moment thinking only of him he would be here.

I had one non-alcoholic beer after my doctor said that was ok, I ate vegetables and took prenatal pills, I did not lift bend or do anything strenuous even at the very early stages, I stayed away from medicine that was not particularly given the green light from my doctor and did everything I could think of to make sure I was taking care of myself.  When I really really think about it I did everything I could do, I think.  There is still a voice that tells me it was my fault.  And now that guilt is spilling over into my life now and it fills me full of paranoid thoughts.  If I couldn't protect my baby while it was still teeny inside me then how could I protect a child out in the world?  How can I be a good mother when I don't trust myself?  How can I trust myself when I let my child die?

Not quite there yet

Couldn't quite muster the time or the guts to post about my blog on facebook yet.  Also did not find the time or the guts to post on my blog about my guilt that is scaring me out of posting about my blog.  Thought I'd share this though.

Wish me luck cause we are 5 days from my goal and I am NOT five days from being ok with it. 

Scared again.  -giant giant sigh

Excited/Scared/Excited/then scared again

As you can see from my previous post I figured out how to blog from my phone so yea exciting.  (this one is not from my phone lol)  Its a little odd however because its in the form of a text message so there is no title and no spell check so I'm thinking those will be shorter updates and big posts will be during the week on my lunch break (whenever that happens to be).

Looking at step number 1 on my list that I posted on Friday has been scaring the pants off of me for days.  Seriously my pants just will not stay on I am so scared.  I have shared this blog so far with only close friends, a few family members, people that I trust or thought could get this to someone it may help.  I always told everyone to pass this along and feel free to share it but, other people 'finding' this because someone told them about it is much different to me than if I tell people, 'hey come share my pain and crazy rantings about sad terrible stuff no one wants to talk about.'  So yea, that's about where I am right now.  I think a lot of the reason I don't want to tell people is the immense shame and guilt I feel because I lost my baby.  And although my thinking brain agrees with logic that I did nothing wrong, that voice in my ear tells me every day that I killed my child.  It is a little hard to admit to people you have to look in the face that you 1-lost your child 2-think you killed your child 3-feel sooooo guilty about it you feel it is ruining your life and all the other stuff that goes with it.  I have to announce myself on or before the 10th of the month and I alternately flip between giving myself time to work up to it and waiting until the 10th and getting over my crap and getting ahead on my list and just doing it now.  Still on the fence but I think the days leading up to and around the actual announcement will be filled with my thoughts around the guilt that keeps me from sharing.  Look I am my own shrink.  Take that!

My super sweet and supportive friend CZ is awesome and told me something really amazing this weekend so I just wanted to say how much I appreciate her.  =)

Updating my blog from my phone!

Scared out of my mind but feeling strong

Ok so today is December 31st and last night I finished my list for my 6 month mental health challenge.  I have to tell you that I am happy to have this finished but scared to death about almost every step, especially the first one.  This is the outline of my plan and I will evaluate every month to see if I need to add, change, delete or rearrange any of my steps.  Here goes.

1/10  Tell people I have a blog.  I have only told a few close friends so I am going to do something crazy scary and post it on facebook.  (Did you just hear a scream from across town?  Yes yes you did because I'm terrified.  Its gonna take a lot of coaxing to make my fingers do it.)


1/20  Make a list of fears.  I realized that I'm scared of a lot of things in the baby/pregnant/parent area and I plan to write this down so its at least out of my head and I can start to deal with it.


1/31 Evaluate.


2/10  Say my fears out loud to another person.  AHhH!!!!!!!! Scary.  Again.


2/20  Discuss my fears with someone/people.  I thought maybe a couple different people might be good so I could get some different opinions but I at least need to discuss this with someone.  Out loud.  Scary.


2/28  Evaluate.


3/10  Make a list of questions for TB.  (My husband and I don't really talk about this very much and I know we are both still very hurt from it so we agreed to make a list of questions, sans the BIG 'when' question, and talk to each other.)


3/20  Babysit someone's kid or kids.  I think this would help us, I know it would help me, and I love all my friends' kids.  =)  (looking for volunteers to enjoy an afternoon or evening out alone)


3/31  Evaluate.


4/10  Talk about questions with TB.  We will exchange questions and answer honestly.


4/20  Tell someone new about the miscarriage.  This one scares me but I think its a good idea, my husband is smart.


4/30 Evaluate.


5/10  Talk about my fears with TB.  I think giving myself time to rationalize all my fears is good before I overload my husband with all my craziness.  He has also agreed to talk about his which is HUGE.


5/20  Look into a support group.  I think maybe talking to some other people who have gone through similar medical trauma would help me put mine in better perspective. 


5/31  Evaluate.


6/10  Get a tattoo.  This is another suggestion from my husband.  I have wanted for a while a tattoo that symbolizes my baby and it would be a nice thing to actually do.


6/14  Assess my mental health, decide on a new 6 month plan and discuss the baby plan with TB. 

Yikes.  Seems to simple and sooooo hard.  Gonna need some help with a few of these.  If you feel like you want to you are welcome, I certainly don't expect you to if you don't want though.

Oh man, this is gonna be tough.

Get a hold of yourself!

What have you gotten yourself into mwc?
Although lists and time lines are something I enjoy and almost require when it comes to projects or ongoing things for some reason when I approach anything around the baby subject I just start to spin out of control and turn into a crazy person.  I am freaking out because I alternately feel like this challenge is too hard and not hard enough.  I constantly go between daily steps and monthly steps and each one feels too much or too little.  The thought was however, that if I put some of my workings onto 'paper' I would hold myself to something instead of flopping around from decision to decision every moment and eventually this would force me to reach a conclusion that is somewhat attainable.  After all if I spend a bunch of time coming up with an intricate and difficult solution that is a lot of work and time I don't have then I won't end up following it and it won't end up doing me any good at all.  So I will strive to be rational.  Man, it is a struggle.

So I think I have decided that I will complete 3 steps a month-a happy medium from the two extremes in my brain-and they will be on the 10th, 20th and last day of every month.  I am also thinking that one of my first steps should be writing down my fears because they are filling my head so full that pretty soon I will not be able to think breathe or move.  (I imagine sometimes my head will eventually be so full that I can no longer pick it up and walk around and I'll spend the rest of my life standing on my head and I'll be similar to the kid on Family Guy that has his head on upside down.  yea.)  Another step should probably be to discuss my fears out loud to someone and go over the ridiculous things in my head and point out the craziness of it all.  In the end I am a pretty rational person and I think that if I see and hear the crazy thoughts they will start to dissipate as I convince myself I am overreacting.  I really think this is the right thing to do I just don't quite know how to start it.  Like I said I become a lunatic when I even get close to any baby related subject.  So yea, feeling pretty screwed right now.  But, it looks like maybe I made some decisions.  Screwed.

Back to Blogging

Although my mission was to cut out unnecessary time wasting for the holidays and focus on budgeting and not being Scroogey I really missed my blog.  I feel like this is a great place for me to put the secret scary thoughts down and process through them.  So I am back to blogging and I am actually going to try blogging from my phone this week.  Yikes.


To be honest I have not started on my steps that are due by the end the week for my 6 month mental health challenge to myself but I am committed to getting them done on time and not screwing around.  So you should see those soon.  Just wanted to check in.  Thanks guys for your support.

Challenge

Ok first step in my challenge is that by the end of December (yikes coming quick) I will have a monthly goal set for myself in writing for each month until 6/14.  I also think I'll need to plan to do an assesment of my progress at the end of each month so I can revise my goals if need be.
Step one down, thousands more to go towards my recovery.

busy.

I have seriously been slacking in the blog department.  Partially because I have been crazy busy with work and the holidays and partially because I haven't had the terrible dark haunting thoughts that give me the NEED to blog each day. But I still enjoy it so I have been a little disappointed that I haven't been doing it. 
Well my leg pain is back today and it is killing me I can tell my muscles have been leading up to it all week so I'm not surprised but it still sucks.

I had a nice evening talking with my husband, mother in law and brother in law's girlfriend WH last night.  It is funny how similar her and I are and how the things she complains about are the same things I complain about so apparently those brothers are alike as well.  Other than being a short feisty redhead like me, she is strong and opinionated and has a lot of conviction, I see those things in myself.  My mil, AB, made a comment about lots of redheaded grandchildren in the future and I almost leaned in and told her she would be taking care of that because I probably can't.  Then it hit me across the face.  I would be putting the same uncomfortable guilt on her that others put on me sometimes.  It seems that it is easier than I thought to say (almost say in my case) something insensitive without thinking about it.  Why put pressure on a 19 year old girl because I don't want any pressure on me.  Luckily I was thinking clearly and did not open my giant giant mouth and put my equally large foot in it. 

-I have a fancy new phone now so I think I can update on the weekends now even though my comp doesn't work.  Woo!  (I know even less of an excuse for me not writing this week)

Challenge

So in the post http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2010/10/24-going-on-80.html from 1024/10 I decided to challenge myself by my birthday to get a handle on my craziness regarding all the miscarriage/medical crap.   Sooooooo.... my challenge is to be rid of my guilt before my wedding anniversary (picked this day only because it is exactly 6 months from my birthday).  This may be a stretch so things may be modified before then to include a more reasonable goal.  I realized when talking to my husband however, that if we are going to think of trying for a child any time in the next 10 years I am going to have to get things right in my head first.  I need just a little time to figure out the physical steps it will take to get me there so stay tuned for the road map.
Ok guilt, be gone by 6/14/11.  I can beat you!  Wish me luck.

Help me out would ya?

Ok so feeling down and in pain again today, leave me something inspiring on my comments please.
 -please no spiritual/religious/christmas related comments

Thanks for your help guys.

Pain in the ass

So my pain went away for a week or so but its back and its angry.  I have had shooting lightning bolts of pain screeching down my legs all day long and it just sucks.  Not a lot to write about today but I can give you a small update.

• work is crazy and it drives me nuts
• my legs are killing me and I just wanna curl up with my cat at home
• my husband alternately drives me crazy mad and crazy happy and I cannot figure out if thats a good or bad thing
• at what point do I give up?  when do I tell my doc enough is enough and just cut it all out and put my head in a jar like futurama?
• All my clothes are too small or too large because my stomach continues to swell and reduce constantly, sometimes several times in the same day
• All my clothes are also either too cold or too hot, nothing seems to make me comfortable lately
• I feel myself getting bitter and angry and I'm not sure how to stop it
• I really don't want to be the person I think my body is making me

Freak Show

I went to my doc last week for my quarterly check and he told me yet another strange explanation about the things my body is doing.  Bring on the circus freak, mwc has a new issue.

He tells me that my uterus muscles have been inactive so long now that if they do not contract within the next six months they will be completely atrophied and they will never move again.  So basically I am screwed once again.  I am doing the 'induction' in March but that is 3 months away so if that doesn't work I will have to go through it again immediately and if THAT doesn't work I will just have to live with my swollen muscles and all the pain that comes along with it.  Great.

Bad dreams

Had a terrible dream that I was living with my aunt and uncle in some trailer house and was very large and pregnant.  While standing in the kitchen my stomach starts to bleed and my uncle begins to yell that we need to go to the hospital.  I am too petrified to move and stand there bleeding from what looks like a scar across my lower abdomen.  They are asking me how far along I am and I don't know.  Things begin to swirl and as I hit the ground my body wakes up in a cold sweat. 
Not fun.  This might be my new worst fear.  Move over creepy killer clowns and dolls that talk to you, I have real issues now.

With My Luck Who Needs Enemies?

So found out yesterday that its possible that some of this could have been avoided.  Not really allowed to say what or how yet but yea I'm pretty pissed.

Here goes nothing

Ok, here goes.  Every single day I feel this weight of guilt on my chest because I let me baby die.  I did not protect him and now he is gone.  Maybe if I had taken better care of myself.  Maybe if I hadn't tried to support everyone else.  Maybe if E was still alive.  Things would be different. 

When I think about things logically I KNOW that I didn't do anything to hurt myself or my baby, when I think about it logically I KNOW there is nothing I really could have done differently, and when I think about it logically I KNOW that sometimes things just happen without cause or explanation.
But the problem is, I rarely think about it that way.  I have tried everything to explain to myself that I did nothing wrong but I cannot seem to rationalize it and deep down in my brain a scary voice chants 'you killed your baby.'  You wonder why I'm depressed and on edge?  Well how do you learn to function when every second of every day someone whispers in your ear 'you killed your baby'?  That was not at all sarcastic, if you have a suggestion, please share.  Sometimes I feel like the guy from the Twilight Zone who sees the gremlin on the wing of the plane but no one else can see it.  I see what I've done and I know that karma is after me because of it, but no one else seems to see that gremlin.  The karma thing is a separate issue for my psyche in itself (why else would it take 5+ years of being miserable to cure something that should have been 'routine'?)

So now I sound pretty crazy don't I?  In a previous post I told you about the little toddler ghost that follows me around and now I'm telling you that I have a gremlin that whispers in my ear?  Wow, mwc has finally cracked up.

When we were at the Dr and they were telling me my baby was dead but had not been 'passed out of my system' (is there a colder way to put that?) the nurses tried to explain what happened.  In the next month they seemed to find that nothing was really wrong with my body at the time and they attributed it to stress because there was no real reason I should miscarry.  I think that is the biggest reason I blame myself.  Stress.  Its no secret I live a stressful life and while I have been through some difficult times, I feel like I stress myself out more than necessary sometimes.  I take on other people's problems and feelings because I want to help them and in turn that puts stress on me.  It took a long time for me to learn to be a little selfish when it comes to my feelings.  When E died I asked his mother if there was anything I could do to help her family out and she asked if I would call all of his friends and let them know what happened.  She gave me a list of first names and phone numbers scrawled on a piece of notebook paper in his handwriting.  20+ people I called in 2 days and let them know.  Most of them were people I had never met or heard of and were friends from his high school and college days from years before I knew him.  My husband, TB, was too upset to help and broke down after listening to the first call I made.  I told him to sit with a friend and relax while I made all of the calls out of earshot by myself.  I wanted to protect my husband from his pain.  I should have been protecting my baby.  Each time I introduced myself as one of E's friends and explained that I needed to tell them something serious I had to relive the details of the suicide and listen to them break down and cry and ask me questions.  When it was nighttime and TB has finally fallen asleep I would sneak out on to the patio and cry hysterically.  I didn't want TB to feel like he needed to take care of me, I wanted to support him in his grief and be there for him.  I should have been there for my baby.  For the first few weeks I kept my agony on the inside while we attended the viewing with his family members who had lost touch and wanted stories about him.  I kept it inside when TB couldn't go to work.  I kept it inside at the funeral when it felt awkward.  I did whatever I could to bottle up my feelings and that stress killed my baby.  Its my fault and I am having a tough time living with that.

Almost Almost there

So I think I can write about my guilt tomorrow.  That is my goal.  Wish me some luck.

Everybody but me

Cheers to one of my best friends JB (or I suppose JU now) on her newly minted nuptials.  Congrats darlin, glad to see you so happy.  =)


This made me think about something I mentioned to a dif friend last week.  Everyone I know is married, in a relationship, having kids, working, and generally being happy.  All my friends are happy but me.  I'm the only one left behind now.  I wonder now if that is my fault, am I REFUSING to be happy?  Things could be worst, they HAVE been worst actually.  Maybe I'm stopping myself.  And if I am, then why?  Why would I stop myself?  I don't know how to accept calm and happy?  I don't think I deserve happy?  What is the answer?

Guilty as Charged

So I did something slightly horrendous this past weekend.  It was of course Thanksgiving so we made the rounds to the family members and food and had a good time getting together with everyone.  Everything was great until we started watching football.  Two things you may not know?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE football and usually yell and throw things during the course of the game.  And I cuss all the time.  Constantly.  A friend once told me I could make a sailor blush.  So I'm watching the Cowboys play (play well for a change)  and out comes the f bomb in the crowded living room.  TB's Aunt AS chided me and I immediately felt awful.  His family is really nice and sweet and quiet and I am cussing at the game on TV.  Fail liz, Fail!
What is worst than that?  I did it again later!!  TB's grandfather was saying something to me and I was still worked up from the game and another fuck fell right out of my mouth.  RIGHT TO HIM!!!!   I don't get embarrassed very often but I have to tell you that I was completely mortified!! ugh. 

Well the point to this is that it made me think about my own baby guilt and it has been something I have been trying to work up to for a while now.  So this week, I'm gonna write about it.  Get fucking ready.

Sick and Tired, staying Strong

In slightly less pain today but feeling more sick.  Thats right, I am sick and in pain for Thanksgiving.  A Thanksgiving that encompasses 5, YES 5, dinners with 5 different parts of our families throughout a week.  At least this year they are spread out, the first few years together were spent trecking to 4 locations in one day.  Ugh. 

Parents and grandparents, show some mercy to your children and grandchildren and don't expect them to be present for every second of every holiday when they are living on their own and dating/engaged/married to someone who's family also expects them to be there.

Children and grandchildren, stand your ground and do what it takes not to be exhausted this season.  If you have to tell grandma you don't want seconds because you just ate at someone else house an hour ago, she'll just have to deal with it.  If dad is mad because you left early then too bad.  And if, god forbid, you have to rotate holidays and not see some family members for Thanksgiving, reassure them you will be there for xmas if they don't pout. 

Oh, and don't turn into these guilt-giving family members that everyone seems to have.  Thanks.

Just kill me already

Feeling sick this week and in so much pain I just want to die.  My uterus is throbbing and the radiating pain shoots through my arms, legs and torso.  I ache everywhere from my shoulders to my knees.  Ugh.  Maybe the doc is right and I should move up my procedure.  The money it would cost me to do it in December however, is a big problem.  Ugh.  I hate everything.

Scariest conversation of my life

So my husband, TB, and I had the baby talk 2 nights ago and I'm pretty sure I almost died.  It was without question the scariest conversation of my life and that includes all Dr convos, and the conversation I had with my parents on Wednesday at work on my lunch break.  gross.

For some reason I asked TB how he felt about our future family planning and he gave me 2 very different answers, both of which scared me to death.  Then I told him how I felt and that scared me also.  Ugh, cannot win.

 My recovery will end in 14 months. That puts us around January 2012 which would be 8 years together total and 3 1/2 years married.  So I asked him what his thoughts were about the end of my recovery in respect to thinking about a family. Dialogue is probably the best way to describe this.

mwc-So what do you think?
tb-Probably about 2 years.
mwc-2 years?  From now?
tb-Yea about 2 years from now is a good time to start trying.  Your recovery is over in 14 months and we should wait another 6 just to be sure.  So about 2 years.
mwc-That's 20 months, less than 2 years. Oh my god.  That really scares me.

Scary.  Children in the next 3 years that are mine?  Scary.
But also kinda cool.  I could have children in the next 3 years that are mine.
Wow.  Ok just breathe. Scary. Awesome. Scary. Awesome.  Wow, so scary.

I told him that if that is his thinking I could be ok with that I just need to do a lot of work on myself before then because I am nowhere near ready for that because I am still petrified that losing our baby was all my fault and I'll just do it again and I am not ready to deal with that.  But I need to.  Ugh.  Back to scary.
I proceeded to cry and tell him all about how scared I am (I'll get into specifics in another post its long) but that was a good plan and I would do the work to be ready and if I wasn't there we would just wait.
Then he felt awful cause I cried, even though I tried to explain he did nothing wrong its all me and my 'emotions' and these stupid hormones, so I asked him if that was honestly how he felt.  (he is notorious for saying what he thinks I want to hear and not telling me the truth)
So we started the talk ALL over again. 
tb-Hypothetically when do you want to have kids?
mwc-Well I always thought I'd have my kids young and close together.  I would think 3 to 4 years of marriage would be nice and then think about trying. 
tb-So...
mwc-Oh my god, that's now isn't it? Holy shit it is.
tb-Well yea that would probably be something we would be thinking about.
mwc-I change my mind that is too scary.
tb-It was supposed to be hypothetical.
mwc-Hypothetically it scares me to death and I am no longer alive.
tb-Ok let's start over.
mwc-Ugh. No I'll behave.  What are your honest thoughts?
tb-how about 4 years?
mwc- When I'm 30?
tb- You wouldn't be 30.
mwc-I will be 29 in 4 years and it takes nearly a year to cook the baby so I'd be 30.
tb-Yea I guess you'd be 30. Did you say cook the baby?
mwc-You know like a bun in the oven? 
tb-Ok.....
mwc-Sorry. Waiting til I'm 30 scares me.
tb-You're scared again?
mwc-I know I'm sorry I'm all over the place.
tb-Its ok.
mwc-Once you hit 34 it becomes more dangerous to have children and who knows how long it would take to conceive?  There are already enough negative factors.  Plus I always wanted a big family.  30 to 34 is a small window, especially if I want 3 or 4 children.
tb-True.
mwc-But, I don't want to feel rushed.  I want to make the right decision.
tb-Ok....

So where did we land?  Soon scares me.  Waiting scares me.  Feeling rushed scares me.  Waiting too long scares me.  I'm an emotional wreck.  My husband is pretty great.  I am going to spend a year working on myself and what scares me about having kids.  He is going to spend a year working on being more mature.  We will talk about this again when my recovery is over.
So no progress.
Be mindful that this conversation was only about natural conception, we didn't even get into adoption, fertility treatments, or any of the other trillion options we have to think about.

Scared to death.

I've been telling you I'm crazy......

So last night I think I finally convinced my husband how crazy I am about our cats.  The conversation left him moping and sad but I think he got it.  I've been telling him for years now that the cats are keeping me sane and I've turned a little fanatical about them as my strange way of coping but he hasn't listened or understood or something because he just got it last night.  hm....


Quick shout out to my friend BAM who is sad and in pain but is able to get the problem fixed soon =)
Get well soon!

Feel it coming in the air at night

I can feel the air get colder, I can feel my breath catch, I can feel that overwhelming sadness coming to wrap its shadowy arms around me and pull me silently backwards.  I can feel that scream caught in my throat and feel the eyes on my back.  I can feel that guilt, the envy, the sadness and the overwhelming desire to stop breathing.  I feel it coming.  Its coming for me and I cannot stop it.

Xmas Carols make me HOMICIDAL

That's right guys, I said xmas carols make me homicidal.  As in, they make me want to kill people.  All people near me or said carols. 
It is the 15th of November today and although I am aware that the holidays insist on coming soon and it is getting chillier outside I am NOT ready for xmas carols.  ugh.  I can deal with crowded grocery stores, traveling and the long and expensive list of gifts I want to get for people because those are all things I inflict on myself for one reason or another.  Carols however, I cannot stand.
What did I hear when I came into work this morning (while groggy and not feeling well, I add)  freaking xmas carols!  So I ask, 'What is that noise, are those xmas songs I hear already?, with my nose crinkled and my face frowning.  Our office assistant says, 'Yes,' and I tell her, 'Please listen to them quietly because they make me angry.'  She looks at me with big wide eyes and says, 'But, I love them.'  ugh.  So I'm a scrooge and she hates me. 
Luckily most of the day I don't hear them but when no one is printing and I'm not on the phone, fa la la la la drifts into my cubicle/office thing where my desk is and my blood boils.  I sit and try not to make a big deal out of it and be a grouch but OH MY FREAKING GOD they drive me crazy.

Tis the freaking season I guess.....

Update

Still in pain.  Still screwed.  That is all thanks.

Starting to feel a lot like Frankenstein

My uteran pain is terrible today, doesn't help that today was stressful so my teeth and all my muscles are clenched.  I have this radiating paid from beneath my stomach that shoots into my legs and spreads across my thighs so as I sit at my desk all day long I feel alternately numb and intense pain through them.  By about 2 o'clock on these days I want to chop my legs off to lessen the pain.  But thats not generally the best solution.  The doc tells me its just because everything is pushing against each other because my uterus is still too large so there's pain.  This is different somehow from when I had pain because an infection was attacking my tubes and uterus and also different from the pain I will feel when my uterus starts to contract and shrink.  So basically I'm screwed.

My legs are stiff, my arms ache, I randomly sigh, grunt or yell.  I think these hard knots in my neck are the bolts growing in.

November

I had this theory a couple years ago and after 4 straight years in a row that prove it I think it has become a fact.  When November 1st hits every single year things instantly get craaaazy and they stay that way until February 28th/29th.  March 1st brings me some peace.  on 11/1 my work instantly gets more difficult, less people pay, more people move, we deal with more and more stupid stories about why the rent is late.  Most people seem to get exponentially grumpier and stay that way until lovely 3/1 comes along.  My boss, who is also my grandmother, seems to take this sickness on in heaps.  Though, I admit that as soon as Halloween is over I am grumpy until its warm.  Not because I don't like cool weather, it just seems to go that way.  When I start planning Thanksgiving and winter holidays I feel scrooge-y and alternately happy.  Annoying emotions.  Christmas carols make me homocidal.  We have to clear out files at work and that always lasts from December through January and sometimes beyond.  I have to deal with 1099's, tax forms and all the other end of the year accounting crap that sucks.  I go between blowing everyone off to being upset we can't see everyone and back again.  I feel guilty cause I can't buy all the people I want to all the things I want to get them but then get upset when someone EXPECTS me to spend a certain amount.  Nov-Feb is expensive and a huge hassle all the way around.  It doesn't help that Texas weather is crazy and on xmas eve you have to pick out 2 outfits to wear the next day, one you wore to the beach in August and one that covers every inch of your skin in 8 layers of fleece.  Everything metal, and some things plastic, at my office begin shocking me any time I not only touch them but walk near them. 
It is just crazy around here lately.

Will it never end?

So I heard from the doctor today and pending tests in December and January it looks like I am definitely going to have to be 'induced'  again in March.  Ugh.  NOT looking forward to that feeling.  I had this done in September and basically I will be part of another experimental treatment in a long line of what-new-and-strange-thing-can-we-try-now.  Last time they gave me what equates to a triple dose of Pitocin in a shot and pill form that will make my uterus have contractions for 2 1/2 days every hour or so and put me in miserable pain.  It should be illegal to put a person through labor and not give them a baby after its done!
Last time we decided to do this they told me I couldn't be left alone and I had to take my temperature every 2 hours and I had to be lucid and carefully watched to make sure I don't rupture anything.  Not fun!  Luckily I have a lot of support and other than the pain, the awful awful pain, and the terrible flash back memories of my miscarriage it wasn't that bad.  At least its better than the time they shot medicine directly into my uterus after they INFLATED it, yes inflated it, and I had to lay on my back for 5 days.  I did that twice.  Sounds crazy to you?  Its a freaking circus.

Wicked

I was reading Wicked this weekend and it brought back a memory from a couple years ago.  My husband (then fiance) and I went to go see the musical Wicked because his lovely Aunt MN gave us her tickets when she could not go.  It was a really great musical and we both really enjoyed it.  But the most vivid part of that memory is feeling like a family with my belly protruding and smiles on our faces.
When I found out I was pregnant I was really nervous to tell anyone, not for the usual reasons young unmarried couples are nervous however, we have very supportive families and friends.  I was nervous because I felt from the beginning that something wasn't right and I just didn't want to tell everyone.  I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to go wrong.  So at the time of the Wicked excursion we weren't telling people yet.  When we went though, I ended up wearing a shirt that was kind of tight across my stomach and my cute belly stuck out in that round, high, obviously pregnant way and it was a nice feeling.  We didn't hide it, we felt like we could relax a little.  Some stranger even commented on how happy we looked to be expecting.  It was a nice feeling. 
We ended up losing the baby just a couple weeks after we started telling people so that happy feeling was a rare moment I remember fondly.  I really did enjoy the feeling of being pregnant.  =(

Fun Fun Evenings with no babies and no babysitters

My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago but his present is dinner and a local hockey game with my parents, my husband and me.  We are going to a delicious place called Village Burger Bar in Watters Creek and after that we are going to see the Allen Americans minor league team play.  I have to say that I grew up watching hockey with my dad, who is the biggest Blackhawks fan, and we went to watch the Hawks and Stars play for years.  I guess I'm just a little hockey-snobby because when I went to see this team play for the first time last year I laughed.  I have never seen so many hockey players laying on the ice.  They fell down CONSTANTLY.  lol  They must have been good or had a tiny division because they made it to the playoffs last year.  Either way I'm excited and its gonna be fun.  After the game I am driving to Waco with my friend CZ to see our other friend BAM for the weekend.  I feel slightly bad that I am leaving for the whole weekend one of the first times my husband is home on the weekend since he changed jobs but I'm sure that won't last.  =)  We'll get used to that. 

So since I'm in a pretty positive mood today I was thinking.  I can do all these things fairly easily because I have no children to think about and no babysitter to coordinate.  I can buy tickets with no idea if someone else can watch the kids and leave for the weekend without possible tears from babies.  I get a nice evening and a fun weekend.  Add this to the list of things I can do since I don't have any children.  =)

Memories

My husband did a nice favor yesterday and drove my grandmother to her doctor's appointment since it was rainy here.  He had to take her to the hospital where her Dr practices and drop her off.  Unknowingly he had to go to the same hospital where we found out I was losing the baby.  Now TB does not like to talk about what happened and gets very upset when I say something even close to the subject so you can imagine how surprised I was when at around 11 last night he says he hopes he doesn't have to take her back to the hospital any time soon because it made him really sad.  We haven't been there since our visit with our Dr, we thought we were going to hear the heartbeat and see a sonogram for the first time and instead we found a lifeless body on the screen and silence.  I can remember sitting in the parking lot crying and calling my mom.  She is the most maternal person I know and was soooo happy to hear I was pregnant and although I know she was very sad she was so supportive when we told her what happened.  We drove to my parents' house after the Dr and we cried and hugged and talked, I'm very lucky to have them.  I don't remember all of that evening but I do remember waking in the night to miscarry, that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
My poor husband was sad all day after visiting the site of our disappointment.  Its the little things.

Please god bring back september

It is November.  I do not like November.  Work gets longer, harder and more stressful.  Texas won't decide if its summer, spring, fall or winter.  And then there are the holidays.  I love the idea that I get to see people who I don't necessarily see all year long and I love seeing the looks on people's faces when I give them something special but the holidays are stressful.  And this year seems to loom just a little higher than the others.  Babies.  Christmas cards, gifts, photos, and gatherings thrust other people's children in my face.  I have known this was coming and had hoped I would find myself in a better place when this month began but, unfortunately I'm not.  So I will brace myself for the inevitable.  Wish me luck.

Freaking Lifetime

I had a blast at our annual Halloween party on Saturday night and stayed up super late chatting with old friends so Sunday I laid around and watched TV.  During commercials of the epic fail that is the Dallas Cowboys this season I was watching Hush Little Baby on Lifetime.  I don't know if you watch Lifetime movies but they are crazy and a big joke in my family.  They are always about murder or sex or cancer or some strange mystery or mistresses or stalkers or just something crazy.  Many are terrible (Mother, may I sleep with danger?  -actual title) but a lot are not bad, especially the newer ones.  The annoying part is that they suck you in and then you can't stop watching them cause they make no sense.  Yesterday my husband actually told me to stop flipping back to one of the football games so we could finish the end of a particularly crazy movie.  Like I said, they suck you in.
So this movie yesterday is about a mother who's child died when she was very young.  Its starts as she is pregnant with the second baby a while after the death of the first.  Well, after she has the second baby she ends up with postpartum depression which escalates to psychosis which is centered around the idea that she thinks her new baby is a reincarnated version of the first child and wants to kill her because she let her die.  She ends up going really crazy and killing some people and slicing her sister up and going into a mental hospital for a while.  But throughout the movie she keeps seeing this ghostly version of her daughter following her around saying 'you killed me mommy'  which, if you have read previous posts, you know that I have a similar delusion.  So now I think I've gone nuts because I can see my child following me around and although he does not say I killed him, my heart does, and his eyes ask me why.  So yea, I've cracked up.  Psych ward, here I come.