Review of this month

My only real note for this month is that I need to push hard to make my deadlines in May.  I set these for myself so that I force myself to grow and heal and I think it is important that I meet them no matter what happens.  I recommit myself to the blog and the challenge and will work to make sure I am healing and growing. 

Month 4 down-2 to go

Evaluate.

Character Review: Cauliflower

Nope, I'm not kidding.  Cauliflower cannot have children.  (not the traditional way at least)  Cauliflower is a hybrid and a genetic mutation from Broccoli and Cabbage.  I learned on Good Eats (in love with Alton Brown) that the buds on the heads of Cauliflower are actually called 'aborted seedlings'.  The vegetable has a chemical imbalance that aborts its seeds and keeps it from flowering.  It does carry a different kind of seed deep in the center of the stem that lets it spread but there are no traditional seeds and it will never bloom.  So Cauliflower, no wonder we like each other so much, we are in the same boat.

Bent the rules......

So I mentioned before that I was going to talk to my friend JBU about my feelings about wanting to quit my medical treatments and just see what happens.  I didn't end up doing that but I did talk to the wonderful SC and she had the exact opposite feeling than I thought she would.  She has been through some similar medical issues before I was close with her and the last few years have been spent slowly sharing our experiences with one another.  As much as I wish things like this had never happened to her it is indescribable how much easier it is to talk to her than other friends who haven't been there.  It is definitely nice to talk to someone who knows.  She made a great point to me while we were talking, I have great doctors and lots of support and the flexibility at work and home to do whats needed to get me to the healthiest place I can get to.  She regrets quitting her treatments and is in a sort of difficult spot now because its really hard to start over.
So thanks again SC, you are a great friend and a huge help.  Love you.

Character Review: Charlotte York from Sex and the City

A theme I seem to see around me, and something I have brought up here before, is that more and more characters on tv and in movies are having reproductive issues.  I thought I would highlight some of those characters throughout my blog just to show how many there really are.  I will start with perky, poised Charlotte from Sex and the City.

Charlotte wanted nothing more than to find a perfect husband, have a perfect baby and live a perfect Park Avenue life.  When she met Trey, a handsome and cultured doctor, she knew she was on the right track.  Although their sex life was an initial problem that caused a separation, eventually they both wanted to try for a baby.  They tried for a while and had trouble conceiving so then looked into fertility testing.  They found out that Charlotte had a very low chance of ever having a baby and most likely would not be able to conceive on her own.  They tried hormones and fertility techniques that inevitably pushed Trey away.  His desire was not great enough to endure the hardships that came with having a baby for them.  This is what ended their marriage.  Charlotte's divorce lawyer however, was full of desire for Charlotte and they started a fling.  Their fling turned to dating and then into love.  They try for a baby naturally and get pregnant only to lose the baby shortly after.  They work hard at adoption and after many disappointments they receive a little girl.  And later on she gave birth to another little girl. 

Tell somebody new

So this post may be late but I did meet my challenge deadline of telling someone new about my miscarriage and what has happened since.  I explained what happened to someone that I haven't talked to about it before, my brother in law's girlfriend WH.  She was not aware of why I am sick and what happened so I let her know and its nice not to feel so awkward about it.  I for some reason feel very very strange when my sick stuff comes up and someone doesn't know where it comes from.  So yay, I actually made this one and broke the late cycle I have been living.

Step 8

Tell someone new about the miscarriage.

Behind again

Once again I did not complete my challenge objective on time.  I will do it before the week is out however.  I promise.  AND!!!! And and AND!!!! I have figured out something to do instead of babysitting someone's kids.

After a terribly busy week of Dr appointments, feeling sick and missing work for both of those reasons I burst into tears in the middle of the night and told TB I was just done and refused to go to the Dr again.  For any reason.
He explained to me calmly that I was just upset and I should really think about it before I made such a large decision.  He also urged me to talk to someone who has been through what I am going through which is a smart thing to do.  I mentioned before that he was smart didn't I?  ' )
Well the two people I could think of to talk to will have very different answers I'm sure, one is currently semi-hiding from her Dr and the other is my preggy friend that I am going to see this weekend.  I have decided to talk to them about how I am feeling and see how I feel about the whole situation after that.  It helps that my fabulous friend CZ will be with me this weekend and I am get her opinion as well because she has probably seen me go through most of my issues.  For a long time I couldn't really open up to anyone but her and because she tends to play nursemaid to her friends, she has seen my crying and yelling in pain and really been there for the worst.  I imagine she would understand some of why I wanna quit cause she's been there. 

In the back of my head I know that giving up is not really the answer but at this point the bad out weighs the good and its a viable option.

Oh, and these new pills give me hot flashes.  I think I'm might kill someone. 

Step 7

Talk about questions with my husband.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Otherwise known as JBU, mwc and my uterus.


So my awesome friend JBU is having a baby, I'm sure you've seen that here before, she announced it to everyone on her facebook and posted a sonogram photo.  It was pretty cool looking.  I have never seen one where the baby is so clear so early, she's at 3 months now.  It filled me full of emotional juices and warmth that tried leaking out my eyes but I would not let it!  I instead suppressed my hormonal need to cry at how excited I was for her and instead ate my sushi.

Oddly enough I had a sonogram the same day she did though my results looked much different.  Seeing her picture reminded me of my own and how strange it was.  They take periodic sonograms so they can see how my uterus has changed and if is shifting and just to double check that there aren't any new infections.  I usually get at least two, the first one is just my uterus as is all scrunched up and folded and crazy looking.  It sort of looks like a long slab of beef that has been balled up and left out on the counter.  The second sonogram is one of my inflated uterus so they can see everything.  Strangely enough, this looks every more odd.  You know those bouncy balls they have in big bins at like Wal-mart?  And the balls all look like someone half ass spray painted stripes onto them?  No?  Hmmm....  It sort of looks like a large zebra striped balloon in shades of pink and red.  When my uterus is inflated you can see large striations everywhere and you can see tons of scars and scar tissue masses.  I imagine this is what mars looks like sometimes.  So while JBU was looking at her hiccuping baby I was looking at the wasteland that is my empty uterus.  Aggravating how life syncs up sometimes.  Ugh!  There go my juices again.  Suck it up mwc, you're on the road to recovery.

Good news so far

So not much has changed since Monday but I am happy to report that 89% of my muscles are moving.  That is huge!!!! I was at zero for, oh, three years. 

Once the muscles start to move they will start to shrink and go back to how they are supposed to.  This will help my scars heal, help my body reposition my organs that have been scrunched up for too long and help me lose some weight.  This also paves the way for a higher chance of kids naturally and possibly removing some of my scar tissue so everything can get fixed.  More than anything else I am excited because this means I will start to get better faster and we can take some real steps towards clearing everything up instead of getting stopped every 2 seconds because something isn't working.  So good news oveall but still exhausted and feeling pretty shitty so I'm not gonna write down the thousands of entries I have composed in my head.  Sorry guys.

Falling Down on the Job

I'm pissed, tired, sick, exhausted, hungry and busy.  I have not updated in forever but it will just have to wait.  Back later, mwc.

Back here again

I was thinking about my reflections for this month and I just pretty much have to say the same thing again.  I would like to blog more often and be sure to keep some uplifting things in there as well.  I did think of one other thing today though, what would I do with my blog if I did get pregnant?  What would I do in the future if I had a child?  I wouldn't be 'mother without child' anymore I would be mother with child. 
Then I fell down from realization.
That has to be the first time I had a rational thought about 'when I have kids' that I have had without flipping out from feeling grief, sad, scared or crazy.  It was kinda nice.  It made me think that I have come a ways from when I started.  I have to tell you that just a few months ago when I started this blog I was feeling like a complete wreck.  I was so completely out of my mind insane about the idea of me or anyone else having children and also not having children that I was practically crawling out of my own skin to get away from it.  These last couple of years have been hard because I have not felt like myself.  I have been questioning everything I do and say to see if I am what I want to be and where I want to be because of my loss.  This may seem odd to say but it scared me to not be happy with myself.  I have ALWAYS known who I was.  I have ALWAYS been the same person.  As I kid I was the exact person I am now just with less life experience and less cussing so to feel like I don't know who I am is a real struggle for me.  I feel like I am moving into a positive space now and have calmed down a lot of my crazy.  I have to say that so far, mwc blog is a success for me.  Woot!


-Oh and also, I didn't do anything to make up for not watching anyone's kids.  I could give the reasons why not but you've heard them before and they are still lame.  Feeling pretty unproductive with my challenge this month but I'll be back on track for April for sure.

Month 3 down-3 to go

Evaluate.

Sometimes I think they make this stuff up

I have to say that over these last few years my Dr has said some crazy stuff to me.  I was talking to my aunt LG about what was going on and we both just had to laugh when I tried to explain what they were doing.  Sometimes I wonder if I am on one of those hidden camera shows where they make you do stupid stuff for other people's enjoyment.  If you are watching my show, please stop.

Without explaining the context in which these sentences came you will laugh, but I have to tell you, the explanation of why he said some of this stuff isn't really any better.  Below are specific quotes from my Dr, I couldn't make these up if I tried.

• We are going to inflate your uterus and then scrub it out.  Its kinda like using a kitchen brush when you need to get into the corners of pots and pans while you do the dishes.
• Your uterus twitched and tore one of your fallopian tubes.
• Only half of your uterus is moving.
• We're looking for these pills to start a dance party on the inside.
• I'm going to give you a pill that gives you contractions all weekend.  You will essentially be in mild labor for three days.
• We are going to take sonogram photos of your scars to study them, say cheese.
• This shot will work the same way jumper cables work on a car battery.
• This new pain will be different from the previous pain, which is also different from the pain you will have when we're through.
• After your contractions subside you will feel menopause-like symptoms.
• You're gonna look like The Hulk if we do that.
• You need need three times as much estrogen in your body just to be even with most women.
• Once your uterus contracts back to its regular size you could lose 100 pounds.
• Your arthritis test was a problem, we need to look into this further.
• We will be giving you a shot directly in the uterus.

These are only a few things off the top of my head in the freak show that is my life.  Enjoy.

Voting is cool

I appreciate everyone who has voted on my polls so far, the votes have jumped from 1 to 9 so I'm excited.  You all overwhelmingly agree with the way I feel so far.  All of the votes are for the medical journal in order to help others who may go through the same thing and all the votes are against the court case for a law that I do not feel strongly about.  That is exactly how I feel, kinda nice to get a little reassurance I have to say.  I feel pretty crazy these days.

When I talked to my lawyers Thursday about the case we are working on I let my Doc know that I will be allowing him to write his paper about me and my innards and I also let the law guys know that I wanted them to start considering an alternative to a court case because I really didn't feel like I was up to it but I would like to help in some way if it is important.  I also asked for more information on this law they are trying to change so I can make sure I want to be a part of this before I jump in.  I do feel however, that if a case would truly benefit me the most I would go through with it.  I want those idiots to lose their licenses for what they did.

I have to say that telling them I 'wasn't up to' the case was pretty hard.  I am classically the one who wants to do for everyone else and not for myself and actually thinking that the personal stress and the already exhausted feeling I get from being in constant pain were enough and more stress and possible pain would just make things worst right now.  I am in the last year of my recovery time and I need to focus on myself.  Man, that's hard to say.

When they initially let me know that I was on a 26 month recovery plan they also let me know that my recovery was akin to that of a stroke, I had a set amount of time to do as much work as possible but that was pretty much it.  After 26 months I probably wouldn't progress anymore and wherever I land at that point was just about where I would stay.  So I have worked hard and listened to every crazy thing they have to say and seen all the drs, specialists and holistic healers they could recommend me to.  I got second, third and sometimes fourth opinions to make sure I was doing the right thing.  I have taken experimental drugs and taken part in medical trials and treatments.  I have changed my diet, my routine and my life.  Why push myself off track now to help some guys do something I'm not sure I agree with?  Well I won't.  So ha.

-Also, keep giving me your feedback.  I love the votes and love to hear how other people feel.

DAMN THESE HORMONES!!!!

I am currently taking hormones to help my healing process, apparently I have always had low estrogen and estrogen helps your uteran muscles stay healthy so pumping me full of hormones like a milking cow seems like the right idea.  I have been on them for a while now, a couple of years aaaaaa

....ahem I'm sorry guys, our cute redheaded locksmith just walked in to talk to me and I got a little distracted.  Let me get back on track.....ok I think I'm good.

I have been taking these hormones for a couple of years actually and although I have definitely evened out since I first started taking them, I can see a marked difference from my emotions now and a few years ago.

The famous story about the first week I started them was when TB made a joke one night about taking my blanket from me and I burst into tears.  He just looked at me wide eyed and stuttered that he didn't know what was going on.

I guess you also have to know, if you don't know me in person, that I am not a very emotional person.  I don't really get mushy or sad or romantic or hurt that easily.  And I rarely cry.  My emotions pretty much range from silly, excited, happy, tired, melancholy, angry and really really pissed.  I'm a simple girl.

-Man, I am full of interruptions today.  Can you tell I am scattered today?

Well.... what this whole post was supposed to be about.....
I have gotten a couple of really nice messages from friends, acquaintances and even one or two from strangers about how much they have liked reading my blog and how they hope I do well and that they are struggling themselves and like to know other people are going through things too.  One theme I seem to get from everyone though, is that I am brave.  Brave.  Ok even typing that makes me get a little glassy eyed.  After these last years of feeling anything but brave, hearing that other people think that about me makes my eyes tear up just a little.  Ugh vomit.  I do not like crying.  But I do like the people who say nice things to me so I guess I'll just blame it on the hormones.  And in case you didn't know, everyone who deals with reproduction trouble and doesn't go on a killing spree is brave as well.  =)

Its worth noting, I think, that I am taking 4 times the generally prescribed amount just to get me to one level higher than most women.  So three of those pills are just to get me to catch up with everyone else.  The last one puts me just ahead.  Ugh vomit some more.

Oh, and you know those SPCA commercials with that awful Sarah McLaughlin song?  Those make me cry too.  TB actually changes the channel when they come on because I sob and try to convince him to go to the shelter and rescue all of the animals.  Yea.  I hate those hormones.

Quick update on my status

Just got a call from the good Doc and seems things are going fairly well.  I went in yesterday for FOUR hours of tests to see if this thing worked over the weekend and it turns out that 55% of my muscles were moving and the other 45% were not.  I got a HUGE and painful steroid shot directly in my uterus to see if that would help and was ordered to go home and rest.  A nice idea but I had 'rested' all weekend and had work to do.
Today I went and had more biopsies and sonograms and tests and he just called me to say that 70% of my muscles were moving.  We decided to give it a week to see what happens and then make a decision on Monday what to do if the moving muscles are not contagious.  -Personally I'm hoping for a dance party in there cause not only will I heal faster but I will lose a substantial part of my belly.  That's right, I'm not just fat, I'm fat and sick.  A large portion of my belly that protrudes, and does make me look sorta pregnant, will be gone soon.  WOO! 

So we'll just wait and see, story of my damn life.

In another update note, I also got x rays of my spine and specifically of my lumbar yesterday so maybe I'll have an answer to this leg pain/possible nerve damage issue.

The dog ate my homework again?

This is a continuing theme from http://motherwithoutchild.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-questions-my-dog-ate-them.html  although I suppose I cannot say that the non-existent dog ate someone's children.  That's just wrong.  What happened?  Well life happened, and I also chickened out.  As I have told you, I had a procedure on Friday that lasted the weekend.  I also had a painful steroid shot yesterday and still feel crappy.  I had steroid treatments and giant horse pills the weeks leading up the procedure and took on the tasks of deep cleaning my house and helping my lovely MIL AB pack and clean in order to move this last weekend.

So I've been stressed, feeling badly and overwhelmed.  Also, I chickened out.  I decided that asking someone if I could babysit their kids so I could get over my mental insecurities just sounded too weird to say out loud to people who would be trusting their offspring to me.  Yea.  So I didn't do it.  I will however, find an equally important task to complete by the end of this month and my evaluation.  Oops.

If you have any suggestions please let me know cause as of this moment I am blank.  Thanks guys.

Step 6

Babysit someone's kid or kids.