I was thinking about it today and I only have a month left in my six month challenge to myself to go. I feel like I have definitely grown in the last several months and I feel less crazy than I did before. I am feeling very anxious lately and I have some things getting wrapped up and decisions to make soon. I need to start looking into support groups or forums for my deadline on Friday, then comes the best step of them all, I get to get my tattoo on the 10th of next month. I need to start doing some research and figuring out just what I want. I have a pretty good idea but I want to be sure about it. Some days are just overwhelming lately so I'm looking forward to that step.
I need to start thinking about my options for my health, our future together and how we want to proceed with everything. TB and I seem to have made a decision last week that I don't think people are going to like but I think its right for us. All I can do is hope they will eventually understand. Or just ignore them.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Character Review: Miranda Hobbs and Steve Brady
Miranda and Steve date on and off several times in Sex and the City and in the end live happily married in a lovely home with an adorable redheaded son. During an off period for their relationship Steve learns he has testicular cancer and Miranda does what she can to comfort her friend. She even goes with him to look at prosthetic testicles after one of his gets removed. Miranda has found out previously that she has a 'lazy ovary' and is unlikely to be able to produce an egg for fertilization. They have unexpected sex one day and Miranda find herself pregnant and worries about what to do. She goes as far as to schedule an abortion appointment but changes her mind at the last minute. She decides keeping the baby is what she really wants and becomes a caring mother who, I personally think, is a great role model for other mothers. She works, spends time with her child, and still enjoys adult conversation with her friends. She is able to have a child and not let it change her much. So one ball plus one ovary sometimes equals a baby.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Share our Fears
Part of my challenge was to talk to my husband about our fears, more specifically about our fears regarding babies, no babies and what that means in our future. It may seem odd that I scheduled this talk months ago but my husband is not very open to talking about these kinds of things and he needed the time to prepare and we both needed the time to be in a healthier place before we started spitting out things that scared us instead of our fears. There is a difference. Things scare us every day, small things, big things, uncontrollable things. Talking about what scares you is pretty pointless most of the time. Your fears however, are the things that lurk in your mind and distract you. They are what really makes you nervous, really makes you want to run away.
It turns out that TB and I have exactly the same fears. We are both nervous that I will never really be healthy we are both afraid that I will always be weak and tired and constantly trudging to doctors. We are both afraid that family will continue to put pressure on us and not understand the decisions we make. Being the oldest kids, oldest grand kids and the first married in our families puts some pressure on us. As does knowing that ALL of our family members are EXPECTING kids. They don't all necessarily expect these kids to come from us but they expect them from somewhere. No one else is even close to marriage and children of our siblings and cousins so the eyes naturally fall on us. -I do have a couple of cousins who just got married (not to each other) but they are younger and in the service and school so I don't think they are thinking babies.- My family tends to be more 'curious' than his family and I don't think they realize that their questions and concerns can be weighty. I had to explain for a while that my mom refusing to believe we will not have children is her way of helping. She believes in positive thinking strongly and feels like as long as she is optimistic and sure it will happen, then it will. This is perceived as lots of pressure by TB but I think she is just trying to help.
Overall it was a really nice talk to have. =)
It turns out that TB and I have exactly the same fears. We are both nervous that I will never really be healthy we are both afraid that I will always be weak and tired and constantly trudging to doctors. We are both afraid that family will continue to put pressure on us and not understand the decisions we make. Being the oldest kids, oldest grand kids and the first married in our families puts some pressure on us. As does knowing that ALL of our family members are EXPECTING kids. They don't all necessarily expect these kids to come from us but they expect them from somewhere. No one else is even close to marriage and children of our siblings and cousins so the eyes naturally fall on us. -I do have a couple of cousins who just got married (not to each other) but they are younger and in the service and school so I don't think they are thinking babies.- My family tends to be more 'curious' than his family and I don't think they realize that their questions and concerns can be weighty. I had to explain for a while that my mom refusing to believe we will not have children is her way of helping. She believes in positive thinking strongly and feels like as long as she is optimistic and sure it will happen, then it will. This is perceived as lots of pressure by TB but I think she is just trying to help.
Overall it was a really nice talk to have. =)
Five Minute Friday-Deep Breath
Once again I am taking Gypsy Mama's idea and writing for 5 min fri. You write for just five minutes on the topic and don't censor or correct yourself. After five minutes post what you have. =)
Deep Breath.
Deep breath is something I say throughout my entire day. I'm in pain, take a deep breath. I'm feeling guilty, take a deep breath. I just want to crawl into bed and never leave, take a deep breath. I'm feeling anxious, upset, overwhelmed or excited. Take a deep breath.
I have always felt that taking that second just to calm yourself and stop that stream of consciousness makes all the difference. I spend a lot of time in my head, a lot of time thinking and planning and worrying. That breath saves me every time. Sometimes I need two. When my husband or my mom get upset and I want to help calm them, take a deep breath. Clear your head, think about what you're saying and doing and don't let your emotions rule your life. Generally my breath is accompanied by 'you can get through this' my secret mantra. Pushing myself to get through the struggles of medical problems, dr visits, marriage issues, crazy family members and a stressful job is a constant in my life. I struggle with physical and mental disorders that can keep me depressed or weak and I push myself to get through those things in life with a deep breath. Sometimes that is all you need to take that first step. In a life where I constantly spend all of my tainted time and energy on other people that I love, that second of deep breath is the me time I need to realize I can do it, I can get through it and it will be alright somehow.
Deep Breath.
Deep breath is something I say throughout my entire day. I'm in pain, take a deep breath. I'm feeling guilty, take a deep breath. I just want to crawl into bed and never leave, take a deep breath. I'm feeling anxious, upset, overwhelmed or excited. Take a deep breath.
I have always felt that taking that second just to calm yourself and stop that stream of consciousness makes all the difference. I spend a lot of time in my head, a lot of time thinking and planning and worrying. That breath saves me every time. Sometimes I need two. When my husband or my mom get upset and I want to help calm them, take a deep breath. Clear your head, think about what you're saying and doing and don't let your emotions rule your life. Generally my breath is accompanied by 'you can get through this' my secret mantra. Pushing myself to get through the struggles of medical problems, dr visits, marriage issues, crazy family members and a stressful job is a constant in my life. I struggle with physical and mental disorders that can keep me depressed or weak and I push myself to get through those things in life with a deep breath. Sometimes that is all you need to take that first step. In a life where I constantly spend all of my tainted time and energy on other people that I love, that second of deep breath is the me time I need to realize I can do it, I can get through it and it will be alright somehow.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Have I Done the Right Things?
EB died four years ago yesterday. That just seems wrong. How can it have been 4 years? How can he really be dead? How can only 4 years have gone by? Why does it feel so long and so short? Is it wrong to reach out to his family? Will it hurt more or less to let them know someone else is thinking about him? Did his mom spend her mother's day crying for him or holding her other kids and grand kids close? Did anyone else remember? Am I the only one left that carries the black band on my arm, am I the only one still grieving? Did I make the right choices? Have I done the right things?
I find days like this, after the sadness passes and the longing subsides, I find them full of questions. The question that looms largest in my life is 'Would it be different?'
I find my mind drifting to this question each morning while I get ready for work or when I can't sleep. I think about it when I have good memories and bad ones. Would things be different for me if he was alive? How different would they be?
The anniversary fills me with thoughts of him, the day after is full of thoughts of his influence. It may be coincidence and it may be true but it seems to me that things started to go really wrong when he died. TB and I were happily engaged and had gotten very excited about the pregnancy. We were looking at wedding venues and trying to decide to put the money into a wedding or a house together. Our parents were happy and our friends were excited. He seemed happy for us and I was looking forward to that baby calling him Uncle E. When he took his life I took all of the stress on my shoulders to shelter TB, I spent hours making phone calls to people I didn't know to let them know their friend had passed away. I wrote stories and memories for his family to read in the eulogy and worked hard to comfort TB and those around me. After he would fall asleep at night I would sneak on to the balcony and bawl for hours until the sun came up and then sneak back into bed. I just couldn't believe he had done it. Couldn't believe he was gone. We coordinated friends at the services and held a small memorial at our apt for friends who didn't feel comfortable with his family and the church they picked for our severely atheist friend. For weeks after I fielded calls from his friends who wanted answers, comfort or to take their own lives. I took all of their stress on myself so I could shield them and protect them like I always try to do. Later in the month I lost my baby. There is no medical reason that I lost it, the best suggestion was too much stress. Stress. All that stress that I took on to myself, all of that hurt and pain that I hid and ignored, did that do it? Did that kill my baby? How could I choose not to take care of myself in such a bad situation? How could I not protect my child? How can I get rid of the guilt that still haunts me years later?
How do you know if you made the right decisions? How will I ever trick myself into believing what happened wasn't my fault?
The stress from losing EB took my baby.
The stress from losing the baby almost took my marriage.
The stress from my marriage almost took me.
Where does it all end and how do you stop it?
I wonder if things would be different if he had never died all the time. Would some other stress have caused my body to lose the baby? Would my marriage be better? Would my child have been born? Have I done the right things?
I find days like this, after the sadness passes and the longing subsides, I find them full of questions. The question that looms largest in my life is 'Would it be different?'
I find my mind drifting to this question each morning while I get ready for work or when I can't sleep. I think about it when I have good memories and bad ones. Would things be different for me if he was alive? How different would they be?
The anniversary fills me with thoughts of him, the day after is full of thoughts of his influence. It may be coincidence and it may be true but it seems to me that things started to go really wrong when he died. TB and I were happily engaged and had gotten very excited about the pregnancy. We were looking at wedding venues and trying to decide to put the money into a wedding or a house together. Our parents were happy and our friends were excited. He seemed happy for us and I was looking forward to that baby calling him Uncle E. When he took his life I took all of the stress on my shoulders to shelter TB, I spent hours making phone calls to people I didn't know to let them know their friend had passed away. I wrote stories and memories for his family to read in the eulogy and worked hard to comfort TB and those around me. After he would fall asleep at night I would sneak on to the balcony and bawl for hours until the sun came up and then sneak back into bed. I just couldn't believe he had done it. Couldn't believe he was gone. We coordinated friends at the services and held a small memorial at our apt for friends who didn't feel comfortable with his family and the church they picked for our severely atheist friend. For weeks after I fielded calls from his friends who wanted answers, comfort or to take their own lives. I took all of their stress on myself so I could shield them and protect them like I always try to do. Later in the month I lost my baby. There is no medical reason that I lost it, the best suggestion was too much stress. Stress. All that stress that I took on to myself, all of that hurt and pain that I hid and ignored, did that do it? Did that kill my baby? How could I choose not to take care of myself in such a bad situation? How could I not protect my child? How can I get rid of the guilt that still haunts me years later?
How do you know if you made the right decisions? How will I ever trick myself into believing what happened wasn't my fault?
The stress from losing EB took my baby.
The stress from losing the baby almost took my marriage.
The stress from my marriage almost took me.
Where does it all end and how do you stop it?
I wonder if things would be different if he had never died all the time. Would some other stress have caused my body to lose the baby? Would my marriage be better? Would my child have been born? Have I done the right things?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Character Review: Frank and Alice Buffay
Frank and Alice meet as student and teacher in high school and later decide to get married. Although Frank's sister Phoebe and all of the Friends think this is unwise initially, by the end of the episode they are all supportive and happy. Once the couple gets married they reveal that they have been trying to have a baby since they got engaged and are unable to. They then, ask Phoebe to be the surrogate for their baby. After a lot of thought and conferring with her birth mother who also gave birth and then gave up the baby, she decides to do it to make them happy. She ends up pregnant with only one in vitro session and finds out she is having triplets. In the end its hard to give them up but she is happy that she did it. Later in the season however, you find out that Frank and Alice are completely overwhelmed with three children and are having a very tough time.
-side note-
My mom has already volunteered to be my surrogate mother and I know if I ever said yes she would be at the doctor in a second. lol
-side note-
My mom has already volunteered to be my surrogate mother and I know if I ever said yes she would be at the doctor in a second. lol
Friday, May 6, 2011
Five Minute Friday-Motherhood Should Come With
Today I'm trying something new. I was shown this post below by my friend MH and I think it is a great attitude towards motherhood and the lack there of.
5 min fri on motherhood
I have been watching MH use this format a couple of times and I am going to try my best to do this every Friday as well.
Gypsy Mama chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
And the rule is that whatever she writes about in that five minutes is what she posts. No editing her thoughts.
Today, her topic choice is "Motherhood should come with…"
So I'm going to set the timer, write some thoughts, and then I'm going to stop.
Motherhood should come with..... classes, an etiquette book and an instructional video.
You should have to pass some classes to become a parent, some people in the world mistreat and take advantage of their children in the worst ways. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse runs rampant and those poor kids live their life in that situation or move into foster care or some sort of orphanage and hopefully get to find a life with a new parent. Not all do though.
Etiquette books about what is appropriate should be handed out with pregnancy tests so you can start studying early. People don't usually mean to but can be so rude and/or inappropriate about their children. I think it comes from engrossing your entire life with your child, you forget other people don't think your poop story is cute or the screaming is funny. I get it, you get lost in your kid. Good, you should you have a great gift. But someone should be there to lightly tap you on the shoulder and remind you that although this is the kid's fave song, I don't need you to hand the phone over to them so I can hear it unless I am asking.
An instructional video about what is appropriate to others without children is also needed. Telling me your horror stories so I rethink trying? Rude. Telling me how much I will like it when I am STILL trying. Also kinda rude. I don't think parents think about what comes out of their mouths, there are 2 reasons for this theory. You are so caught up in the child's life that you forget other people are not. and/or You are so starved for adult conversation that everything you have thought since the last time you had one just sort of tumbles out when you open your mouth. Neither one is bad and parents that do this should never feel ashamed or anything, I just think some reference material would help the rest of us out. Thanks.
5 min fri on motherhood
I have been watching MH use this format a couple of times and I am going to try my best to do this every Friday as well.
Gypsy Mama chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
And the rule is that whatever she writes about in that five minutes is what she posts. No editing her thoughts.
Today, her topic choice is "Motherhood should come with…"
So I'm going to set the timer, write some thoughts, and then I'm going to stop.
Motherhood should come with..... classes, an etiquette book and an instructional video.
You should have to pass some classes to become a parent, some people in the world mistreat and take advantage of their children in the worst ways. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse runs rampant and those poor kids live their life in that situation or move into foster care or some sort of orphanage and hopefully get to find a life with a new parent. Not all do though.
Etiquette books about what is appropriate should be handed out with pregnancy tests so you can start studying early. People don't usually mean to but can be so rude and/or inappropriate about their children. I think it comes from engrossing your entire life with your child, you forget other people don't think your poop story is cute or the screaming is funny. I get it, you get lost in your kid. Good, you should you have a great gift. But someone should be there to lightly tap you on the shoulder and remind you that although this is the kid's fave song, I don't need you to hand the phone over to them so I can hear it unless I am asking.
An instructional video about what is appropriate to others without children is also needed. Telling me your horror stories so I rethink trying? Rude. Telling me how much I will like it when I am STILL trying. Also kinda rude. I don't think parents think about what comes out of their mouths, there are 2 reasons for this theory. You are so caught up in the child's life that you forget other people are not. and/or You are so starved for adult conversation that everything you have thought since the last time you had one just sort of tumbles out when you open your mouth. Neither one is bad and parents that do this should never feel ashamed or anything, I just think some reference material would help the rest of us out. Thanks.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Review of this month
My only real note for this month is that I need to push hard to make my deadlines in May. I set these for myself so that I force myself to grow and heal and I think it is important that I meet them no matter what happens. I recommit myself to the blog and the challenge and will work to make sure I am healing and growing.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Character Review: Cauliflower
Nope, I'm not kidding. Cauliflower cannot have children. (not the traditional way at least) Cauliflower is a hybrid and a genetic mutation from Broccoli and Cabbage. I learned on Good Eats (in love with Alton Brown) that the buds on the heads of Cauliflower are actually called 'aborted seedlings'. The vegetable has a chemical imbalance that aborts its seeds and keeps it from flowering. It does carry a different kind of seed deep in the center of the stem that lets it spread but there are no traditional seeds and it will never bloom. So Cauliflower, no wonder we like each other so much, we are in the same boat.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Bent the rules......
So I mentioned before that I was going to talk to my friend JBU about my feelings about wanting to quit my medical treatments and just see what happens. I didn't end up doing that but I did talk to the wonderful SC and she had the exact opposite feeling than I thought she would. She has been through some similar medical issues before I was close with her and the last few years have been spent slowly sharing our experiences with one another. As much as I wish things like this had never happened to her it is indescribable how much easier it is to talk to her than other friends who haven't been there. It is definitely nice to talk to someone who knows. She made a great point to me while we were talking, I have great doctors and lots of support and the flexibility at work and home to do whats needed to get me to the healthiest place I can get to. She regrets quitting her treatments and is in a sort of difficult spot now because its really hard to start over.
So thanks again SC, you are a great friend and a huge help. Love you.
So thanks again SC, you are a great friend and a huge help. Love you.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Character Review: Charlotte York from Sex and the City
A theme I seem to see around me, and something I have brought up here before, is that more and more characters on tv and in movies are having reproductive issues. I thought I would highlight some of those characters throughout my blog just to show how many there really are. I will start with perky, poised Charlotte from Sex and the City.
Charlotte wanted nothing more than to find a perfect husband, have a perfect baby and live a perfect Park Avenue life. When she met Trey, a handsome and cultured doctor, she knew she was on the right track. Although their sex life was an initial problem that caused a separation, eventually they both wanted to try for a baby. They tried for a while and had trouble conceiving so then looked into fertility testing. They found out that Charlotte had a very low chance of ever having a baby and most likely would not be able to conceive on her own. They tried hormones and fertility techniques that inevitably pushed Trey away. His desire was not great enough to endure the hardships that came with having a baby for them. This is what ended their marriage. Charlotte's divorce lawyer however, was full of desire for Charlotte and they started a fling. Their fling turned to dating and then into love. They try for a baby naturally and get pregnant only to lose the baby shortly after. They work hard at adoption and after many disappointments they receive a little girl. And later on she gave birth to another little girl.
Charlotte wanted nothing more than to find a perfect husband, have a perfect baby and live a perfect Park Avenue life. When she met Trey, a handsome and cultured doctor, she knew she was on the right track. Although their sex life was an initial problem that caused a separation, eventually they both wanted to try for a baby. They tried for a while and had trouble conceiving so then looked into fertility testing. They found out that Charlotte had a very low chance of ever having a baby and most likely would not be able to conceive on her own. They tried hormones and fertility techniques that inevitably pushed Trey away. His desire was not great enough to endure the hardships that came with having a baby for them. This is what ended their marriage. Charlotte's divorce lawyer however, was full of desire for Charlotte and they started a fling. Their fling turned to dating and then into love. They try for a baby naturally and get pregnant only to lose the baby shortly after. They work hard at adoption and after many disappointments they receive a little girl. And later on she gave birth to another little girl.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tell somebody new
So this post may be late but I did meet my challenge deadline of telling someone new about my miscarriage and what has happened since. I explained what happened to someone that I haven't talked to about it before, my brother in law's girlfriend WH. She was not aware of why I am sick and what happened so I let her know and its nice not to feel so awkward about it. I for some reason feel very very strange when my sick stuff comes up and someone doesn't know where it comes from. So yay, I actually made this one and broke the late cycle I have been living.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Behind again
Once again I did not complete my challenge objective on time. I will do it before the week is out however. I promise. AND!!!! And and AND!!!! I have figured out something to do instead of babysitting someone's kids.
After a terribly busy week of Dr appointments, feeling sick and missing work for both of those reasons I burst into tears in the middle of the night and told TB I was just done and refused to go to the Dr again. For any reason.
He explained to me calmly that I was just upset and I should really think about it before I made such a large decision. He also urged me to talk to someone who has been through what I am going through which is a smart thing to do. I mentioned before that he was smart didn't I? ' )
Well the two people I could think of to talk to will have very different answers I'm sure, one is currently semi-hiding from her Dr and the other is my preggy friend that I am going to see this weekend. I have decided to talk to them about how I am feeling and see how I feel about the whole situation after that. It helps that my fabulous friend CZ will be with me this weekend and I am get her opinion as well because she has probably seen me go through most of my issues. For a long time I couldn't really open up to anyone but her and because she tends to play nursemaid to her friends, she has seen my crying and yelling in pain and really been there for the worst. I imagine she would understand some of why I wanna quit cause she's been there.
In the back of my head I know that giving up is not really the answer but at this point the bad out weighs the good and its a viable option.
Oh, and these new pills give me hot flashes. I think I'm might kill someone.
After a terribly busy week of Dr appointments, feeling sick and missing work for both of those reasons I burst into tears in the middle of the night and told TB I was just done and refused to go to the Dr again. For any reason.
He explained to me calmly that I was just upset and I should really think about it before I made such a large decision. He also urged me to talk to someone who has been through what I am going through which is a smart thing to do. I mentioned before that he was smart didn't I? ' )
Well the two people I could think of to talk to will have very different answers I'm sure, one is currently semi-hiding from her Dr and the other is my preggy friend that I am going to see this weekend. I have decided to talk to them about how I am feeling and see how I feel about the whole situation after that. It helps that my fabulous friend CZ will be with me this weekend and I am get her opinion as well because she has probably seen me go through most of my issues. For a long time I couldn't really open up to anyone but her and because she tends to play nursemaid to her friends, she has seen my crying and yelling in pain and really been there for the worst. I imagine she would understand some of why I wanna quit cause she's been there.
In the back of my head I know that giving up is not really the answer but at this point the bad out weighs the good and its a viable option.
Oh, and these new pills give me hot flashes. I think I'm might kill someone.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Good The Bad and The Ugly
Otherwise known as JBU, mwc and my uterus.
So my awesome friend JBU is having a baby, I'm sure you've seen that here before, she announced it to everyone on her facebook and posted a sonogram photo. It was pretty cool looking. I have never seen one where the baby is so clear so early, she's at 3 months now. It filled me full of emotional juices and warmth that tried leaking out my eyes but I would not let it! I instead suppressed my hormonal need to cry at how excited I was for her and instead ate my sushi.
Oddly enough I had a sonogram the same day she did though my results looked much different. Seeing her picture reminded me of my own and how strange it was. They take periodic sonograms so they can see how my uterus has changed and if is shifting and just to double check that there aren't any new infections. I usually get at least two, the first one is just my uterus as is all scrunched up and folded and crazy looking. It sort of looks like a long slab of beef that has been balled up and left out on the counter. The second sonogram is one of my inflated uterus so they can see everything. Strangely enough, this looks every more odd. You know those bouncy balls they have in big bins at like Wal-mart? And the balls all look like someone half ass spray painted stripes onto them? No? Hmmm.... It sort of looks like a large zebra striped balloon in shades of pink and red. When my uterus is inflated you can see large striations everywhere and you can see tons of scars and scar tissue masses. I imagine this is what mars looks like sometimes. So while JBU was looking at her hiccuping baby I was looking at the wasteland that is my empty uterus. Aggravating how life syncs up sometimes. Ugh! There go my juices again. Suck it up mwc, you're on the road to recovery.
So my awesome friend JBU is having a baby, I'm sure you've seen that here before, she announced it to everyone on her facebook and posted a sonogram photo. It was pretty cool looking. I have never seen one where the baby is so clear so early, she's at 3 months now. It filled me full of emotional juices and warmth that tried leaking out my eyes but I would not let it! I instead suppressed my hormonal need to cry at how excited I was for her and instead ate my sushi.
Oddly enough I had a sonogram the same day she did though my results looked much different. Seeing her picture reminded me of my own and how strange it was. They take periodic sonograms so they can see how my uterus has changed and if is shifting and just to double check that there aren't any new infections. I usually get at least two, the first one is just my uterus as is all scrunched up and folded and crazy looking. It sort of looks like a long slab of beef that has been balled up and left out on the counter. The second sonogram is one of my inflated uterus so they can see everything. Strangely enough, this looks every more odd. You know those bouncy balls they have in big bins at like Wal-mart? And the balls all look like someone half ass spray painted stripes onto them? No? Hmmm.... It sort of looks like a large zebra striped balloon in shades of pink and red. When my uterus is inflated you can see large striations everywhere and you can see tons of scars and scar tissue masses. I imagine this is what mars looks like sometimes. So while JBU was looking at her hiccuping baby I was looking at the wasteland that is my empty uterus. Aggravating how life syncs up sometimes. Ugh! There go my juices again. Suck it up mwc, you're on the road to recovery.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Good news so far
So not much has changed since Monday but I am happy to report that 89% of my muscles are moving. That is huge!!!! I was at zero for, oh, three years.
Once the muscles start to move they will start to shrink and go back to how they are supposed to. This will help my scars heal, help my body reposition my organs that have been scrunched up for too long and help me lose some weight. This also paves the way for a higher chance of kids naturally and possibly removing some of my scar tissue so everything can get fixed. More than anything else I am excited because this means I will start to get better faster and we can take some real steps towards clearing everything up instead of getting stopped every 2 seconds because something isn't working. So good news oveall but still exhausted and feeling pretty shitty so I'm not gonna write down the thousands of entries I have composed in my head. Sorry guys.
Once the muscles start to move they will start to shrink and go back to how they are supposed to. This will help my scars heal, help my body reposition my organs that have been scrunched up for too long and help me lose some weight. This also paves the way for a higher chance of kids naturally and possibly removing some of my scar tissue so everything can get fixed. More than anything else I am excited because this means I will start to get better faster and we can take some real steps towards clearing everything up instead of getting stopped every 2 seconds because something isn't working. So good news oveall but still exhausted and feeling pretty shitty so I'm not gonna write down the thousands of entries I have composed in my head. Sorry guys.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Falling Down on the Job
I'm pissed, tired, sick, exhausted, hungry and busy. I have not updated in forever but it will just have to wait. Back later, mwc.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)