Choices

Every single moment of life is a choice, your choice.  Everything that you do has a reason, has a purpose and it is your responsibility to stand behind that.  Maybe you chose to wear red shoes today because the color caught your eye, maybe you chose to buy a new home because this one just isn't what you thought it would be, maybe you chose to start a relationship because the chemistry made you feel happy.  Every moment is a choice and every choice has a reason.  It is all too easy to say 'Oh I don't know why I said that, did that, chose that,' but the truth is you do.  Dig a little deeper and think about the question, then answer honestly.  That answer can be easy, difficult, complicated, terrible or superficial but there is a reason you made that choice.  A wonderful woman chose joy.  Constantly.  Gitzen Girl felt we should all choose joy always.  Every day and every choice was governed by the love and relationship she felt from god.  She stood fiercely behind that reason.  She is missed.  I get a quick heart beat when a post from her friends and family comes up on my blog feed because I love that they are carrying on her love, spirit and joy.  They remind the many many people that read her blog more than a year ago why they frequented her site.  Updates and info are always great to hear and I, personally, especially appreciate the posts where words from Gitz resonate in their lives today.  I have never felt such an impact from someone that I have never met before in such a direct way.  She was part of a group that seems too small most days that felt like it was her purpose to live the way god wanted her to live and that by emphasizing that in a positive way she could spread some of his love around.  I found no judgement, disdain or preaching in the way it has come to mean.  I felt unwavering strength.  Not once did she demean or emphasize how others' choices were wrong or against the teachings she felt very VERY close to, instead she found that people made different choices and she understood and BELIEVED that even those choices stemmed from god's will.  Spreading love and strength and joy was important and somehow effortless for her.  If the fact that those things came from something you didn't agree with bothered you then you clearly were not listening.  It is important that people find a way to respect one another and share how they feel without pushing those things onto others.  It is evident possibly now more than most times with all the defamation of presidential candidates that goes with elections that there is VERY little respect and kindness in every day life.  It is sooooooo easy to turn up your nose, discount someone and gossip with people who only feel the way you do sometimes, but that is not what makes life, people and the world better.  I feel like I am better for 'knowing' Gitz and it would have been nice if she knew that.  But if she is looking down like she truly believed she would be I'm sure she sees it in many faces and that is enough.  In your life, take just one second and be kind, show respect and choose joy.  Choose joy as often as you possibly can but, do it just once and it will start to come easily.

Gitzen Girl is missed by so many and her choices in life have impacted more than she and her family will ever know (which says A LOT because the out pour just on line of people that felt touched by her is inspiring) but the words and choices she has made live in many many people who cherished her words.  I still cannot believe the pain and difficulties she went through with her years of difficult medical issues having seen her words that just dripped with strength and the overwhelming feeling that in the end it would all be ok because she chose joy. 

Two of Us

Sometimes I am too independent.  Sometimes I forget that every SINGLE thing that I do can affect TB.  If you don't know me in person then you don't know how fiercely independent I am, and have always been.  I spent a lot of my life figuring things out for myself and taking care of whatever situation I was in on my own.  Doing this means that I don't always think about the other people involved in the choices that I make.  A few weeks ago TB and I went to see our favorite band Night Train at the local bar they usually play at.  This place is a dive bar for sure and the people that hang out there are not always the classiest.  To keep the story short I got into a heated argument with some guy that was in my face and trying to push me around and putting his hands on me.  He was being inappropriate and saying some really nasty things so hothead that I am, I got back in his face and things just escalated.  It took 3 people to keep me from hitting this guy in the face for the crap he was saying.  I will absolutely tell you that is not the best decision or the right choice but in my beer soaked, pissed off moment that's where we were.  I don't pick fights, I tried to stay calm but I eventually felt like I needed to defend myself.

The next day I had a conversation with TB and he let me know he was upset that I had gotten so angry and was scared I would be arrested if I was fighting in the bar with some guy.  All justified concerns.  We worked it out and he wasn't mad at me or anything because he knew I was defending myself myself and it wasn't like I drunkenly took a swing at someone, they legitimately started an incident.  It did take a little while for him to shake off how upset he was at the idea that I might get in a fight or go to jail or anything similar.  This whole thing made me think about the choices that I make.  I am the type of person who really over thinks things and while I am sure whatever I am thinking about is the best choice for me, I don't always remember to think about how TB might feel.  I'm not making crazy life decisions or anything but it would definitely be a good idea to think about the things I do when my temper takes over.

I would think after 8 years together, 6 years living together and 4 years married that we would have a better routine down but it's hard for us to get used to one another.  Living 5 years of our lives in grief and bad health has not helped either.  So goes marriage.